newpriorities Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Hi, first I would like to apologize for seeming to repeat the story so often told on this forum, but I really need help (as do so many of us!). So if you can bear with me and read my story, maybe someone out there can help. I have been separated from my husband for over one year, we have children that are nearly grown and we married very young. I have been having a relationship with a married man for nearly three years. My separation from my husband had nothing to do with this (believe it or not); he had long moved out of our bedroom and our separation has remained amicable. My mm and I do really love each other and the sex is unreal both in its pure physical form and in the emotional intimacy. I have never experienced anything like this. He also makes me laugh more than anyone has in my life. We work together and see each other every day, but only go out every couple of weeks or so. He has a younger child and has made it clear he stays in his marriage for his child's sake. This is something I completely understand because it is precisely what I did. I stayed for the sake of our children until they were older. I assume he is telling the truth, but as we all know, no one really knows for sure. So here's where I need help. I enjoy being alone and the phase of my life where I am at now. I do not expect him to leave his bs nor would I want him to leave for me. But, after I am with him, I end up feeling so empty. In other words, when I don't see him much, I am happy and feel my life is full. But, when we do get together it is so incredible that I feel so much pain afterwords. Literal, physical pain. So.....clearly this is not a good relationship for me. Yes, we are the "loves of each others' lives" etc., but what does that really mean? I am sooooo tired of analyzing this to death. We are great colleagues together and I love my job, so switching jobs is not an option. Yet, I want to be out of this relationship (sort of)! Help! I really do want to end it, but the pain..... Any ideas?
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Bottomline is, it is an affair. If you choose to stay the OW and be in the affair, then accept things as they are and enjoy it for what it is. Focus on your own life when you aren't with him, and be happy. OR, end it so you can be alone, heal from your marriage ending and also be independant with no man in your life. if you stay, you'll get hurt and have expectations and hope that because "love" is there, he'll want you more than his wife and family. Also, he may not choose you if his wife finds out the affair. Are you prepared for that? To face her, the fallout and also office gossip? Your reputation is also at risk by having an affair with someone you work with.. Believe him when he tells you he isn't leaving his wife and family.
sugarmomma Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 The only way to end it would be cold turkey. Cut all contact with him except for the professional part. Stop having sex with him and go out with your girlfriends and meet new people. You deserve the best and he can't give it to you. Best wishes.
spice4life Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Well, you have two choices. You can either accept it for what it is, enjoy the time you do have and keep yourself busy as heck in between or end it and start a new life for yourself. It's up to you. I know how you feel though as I have been there myself. The after effect hangs around a bit and messes with your head.
Author newpriorities Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 I do believe him and I struggle with what we each "deserve." Is it as simple as just enjoy it for what it is? Enjoy the sex, the laughs etc. and also lead my own separate life? In theory, this is what I would want, but in reality I do end up feeling sad and empty, so that seems to indicate I want a "real" relationship with him. Regarding the fallout--I do believe that if his wife finds out, it's really his issue, not mine. Yes, I know, but he's the one staying in his marriage and cheating, not me. I love the power quote. Read this one in a book, "It is the powerlessness, the sense of being out of control, that annihilates." Still, why do I seem absolutely unable to do what I know I should? I know that sounds like a pathetic excuse (and it is!) but why!!??? What is my problem? I am a strong, independent woman and yet in this arena, I seem immobile! Pathetic!
spice4life Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I do believe him and I struggle with what we each "deserve." Is it as simple as just enjoy it for what it is? Enjoy the sex, the laughs etc. and also lead my own separate life? In theory, this is what I would want, but in reality I do end up feeling sad and empty, so that seems to indicate I want a "real" relationship with him. It depends. It's hard to not want to be with someone when you feel they are the love of your life. I think the theory part is just another phase of your A with him. You are battling between the reality of the situation and how you feel about him. Hence the let down you experience after he leaves. Now that you are free from your marriage, it sounds like you are beginning to see what it is that you really do want in a relationship. Maybe, you are realizing that the physical and emotional intimacy you have with him is what you do want, but with him it's hard because it can't be more due to the circumstances. So you are beginning to wonder if it's possible to find it with someone else without all of the boundaries attached. If this is the case, it's not a bad thing. You are starting to think about what will make you happy. I am a strong, independent woman and yet in this arena, I seem immobile! Pathetic! Nah, you're not pathetic. You are evolving so give yourself some time.
Author newpriorities Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 But this is where I get stuck. "...it can't be more due to the circumstances." Isn't this where we all start believing that circumstances will change with time? On the one hand I say, "there are so many different kinds of relationships in life--each to be enjoyed for itself." Including the A. On the other hand, that seems like such a rationalization. I'm not sure I would ever meet someone that I feel so passionately about. On the other hand, I probably feel this passionately because it's an A.! Thoughts?
sc58 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 I'm not sure I would ever meet someone that I feel so passionately about. On the other hand, I probably feel this passionately because it's an A.! Thoughts? I often thought the same thing. I love my MM so much, and I feel very passionately about him. I thought I would never find someone I feel this way about. However, I wondered if I only felt this way because it was an affair and I didn't really have him. But you know what, I realized that it's dumb to think that you'll never find someone that you feel this passionately about. I never thought I would meet my MM and fall so deeply in love with him, so I'll probably find someone else in the same way - when I least expect it. Those kinds of thoughts are what keep me sane. Currently, my MM SAYS that he's going to get a divorce and file after the holidays, but I do not know if that will actually happen. So I just think, if it doesn't happen, then fine. I can move on because there IS someone else out there I can feel this way about. And same goes for you. If we think that we'll never be with someone who makes us THIS happy, or who we love THIS much, then it's so hard to let go.
2sunny Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 soooo, staying for the kids... look how well that worked out. i would think YOU could advise him how that ending goes. bottom line is - if nothing changes - nothing changes. YOU are the one who can invoke the change you want. don't expect it from him. IF he leaves you that empty afterwords... then why not change things for YOU? go out. find an available man that can offer you way more than his measly once every few weeks sneaky lying behavior... that leaves you feeling empty. find an honest and worthy man that can offer you a true relationship. you've waited your entire adult life right? why short change yourself again? change things. and yes, YOU can change jobs IF you really want to. money shouldn't preclude your ultimate happiness. before you offer yourself as a free woman - you may want to get that divorce finalized though. otherwise you are only offering an available man yourself as a married woman...
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