atage26 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Dear all, appreciate your deeply thought advice for this one. You can read my story on my previous thread. I took the advice given as I thought it's the only fair thing to do. Story cut short: Been on/off with this 25 yr old dude since June last yr. On/off as I couldn't completely forget my ex (couldn't forget because I felt guilty for dumping 1 guy for another & well, that ex was the longest guy I've ever dated). So come Jan '10 and 25-yr-old dude & I decided to give a REAL try without any 3rd party interference. I cut off contact with my previous ex well, at least til Apr then I tried to limit the contact. Blablabla, I started missing my ex again and I felt that 25-yr-old dude & 1 weren't that compatible. Anyway, so ytd he asked me whether I was happy with him. We had this talk just a week ago and nearly broke up. Ytd was the actual breakup, his Q led to many discussions which finally led to a breakup. My reasons were that we weren't compatible and that I really tried and that this wasn't abt my ex anymore (kinda a lie). But yes, in the most part, I was starting to get bored with him, starting to feel like I had no ME time which was important to me (he's really sticky), and so on. He couldn't let go. He didn't want to break up. He said no 2 ppl who love each other should juz let go without trying to fix the problems. My birthday was very recent and he put a lot of effort into it. In a whole, he ist the sweetest guy. The type of guy who wouldn't cheat on u, who would devote his whole life for u albeit a bit controlling (on what u wear, who u meet etc), the kinda guy who would take a month prior to yr bday or watever to plan how to surprise u, and the kinda guy no matter how poor would pamper u...... Yes, maybe u wonder why wld i let go of such a guy. I feel suffocated actually. Because I know I can't commit myself (he wants to get married soon) and I don't wanna waste his time when I'm feeling unsure. So I told him i need time on my own and we both agreed that i shall spend a few days alone without contact from him and when i've come to a conclusion, I'll let him know. But today he smsed me and he told me he thinks that i'm testing his love and he was planning to buy lunch and come over to my place. Sigh. It's like he is in DENIAL. Anyhoo i told him not to and so now my Question is..... How do i break it to him nicely? I think it's only fair since he hasn't done anything really wrong to warrant the breakup. And how do i do it so that he isn't delusioned or he might cont to beg etc? I'm starting to worry he might b suicidal Appreciate the thoughts, thanks.
Don Ho Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Too bad he's such a pussy. He's acting just the way I explain to guys on here that they should not act; smothering, clingy, too available, too nice. You're in a bind. I think you have be upfront and tell him that it's not working for you. Otherwise you're just leading him on and that will hurt him more.
coist Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Seems like to me that you somewhat led him on at one point or another. If i"m not mistaken, you stated that you tried to work things out with him but things went sour simply because you were missing your ex. I think that's what I read but anyway...I am a male and am dealing with a break up yet being strong minded about it. It's been over four months since I've seen her. Good ! Anyway, I think that the men who might read your story might have flashbacks of their situation because when men go through a broken heart and are trying their damness to get over their ex, sometimes we tend to be angry with women so when you come along and state your situation about wanting to leave this other guy, some men just might not want to reply to your post....then again I am sure some will but I doubt a vast majority would all because your story might remind them of their hurt. Think about it....us men go through a broken heart....implement the No Contact rule....try to move on so when we read that a woman has cheated and wants to leave a guy that appears to be a great guy (based on your words) then you could be judged. However, I will not be that way towards you. I will not judge you because I don't know you like that. In my opinion, you have free will do do as you please. If you chose to leave this guy then you can do that. No one is holding you back. No if you decide to leave him, don't play games with him because men tend to take break ups more personally and it takes us much longer to heal versus women. Let this guy know that you don't think you are ready for a relationship anymore. Do not tell him that you want to be with your ex eventhough honesty is the best policy, don't tell him that. Just do a gradual step down. Go from talking every day down to talking four times a week then three times a week. If you are really that concerned about him and his feelings, take wean him off slowly instead of going cold No Contact. Do not sleep with him at all...no kissing...no I love you.....no holding hands....no going out together. Let him know you are not ready for a relationship at this time and you prefer to be alone. If he calls, go from answering right away to answering the next couple of days. Keep reinforcing that you want to be alone and do not desire a relationship. Now me personally I'm very big on honesty though. I personally would come out and state how I really feel but allot of people lie anyway and since you've cheated also, then what difference does being honest makes? Good luck and I hope you the best.
strangeways Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Treat him with the respect he deserves. Break up with him in the way you would want to be broken up with. Leave no room for doubt. Don't mention your ex. Don't tell him you want to be friends. Don't tell him you felt suffocated. But whatever you do don't say anything like It's me not you. I would like to say ignore any contact with him but I know how that feels. If he feels the need to contact you allow him to. Be polite but firm. If he persists go no contact for his own good.
strangeways Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Well put strangways. Learnt through a recent bitter experience!
GrayClouds Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Treat him with the respect he deserves. Break up with him in the way you would want to be broken up with. Leave no room for doubt. Don't mention your ex. Don't tell him you want to be friends. Don't tell him you felt suffocated. But whatever you do don't say anything like It's me not you. I would like to say ignore any contact with him but I know how that feels. If he feels the need to contact you allow him to. Be polite but firm. If he persists go no contact for his own good. What he said^ But understand one of the reasons this guy is being suffocating is that you was never really in the realtionship. It a good example to show that getting involve with someone new when your not over the EX is not a good idea, it likely will not work and will end up hurting people.
skydiveaddict Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Here we go again, another "nice guy" getting dumped. And women say they prefer "nice guys." It's all bs. But anyway, just be honest with him and tell him how you feel. That will help him not to make the same mistakes in the future (hopefully).
skydiveaddict Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I feel you Sky. I mean if he was so sweet then why dump him? Some women say they want a good man yet contradict that by dating bad men. True words, Virtually ALL women say they want a "good guy", but it is never the case. which is ok with me, but why not just admit it?
Don Ho Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Because that's what they "think" they want, but they're drawn to jerks because it's instinct.
GrayClouds Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Because that's what they "think" they want, but they're drawn to jerks because it's instinct. immature girls and unhealthy women are drawn... not by instinct but by low self esteem.
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Here we go again, another "nice guy" getting dumped. And women say they prefer "nice guys." It's all bs. But anyway, just be honest with him and tell him how you feel. That will help him not to make the same mistakes in the future (hopefully). There aren't that many of these posts on here. I avoided the "bad boys" like the plague. I thought my husband was one of the nice, sensitive, considerate friendly guys.
Coolsbreeze Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 This fits my situation so well. My girlfriend and I have been broken up for about 6 weeks now, she broke up with me because she thought we were on different paths in our lives and didn't think we had a future together. I smothered her a little bit too, but it was mainly because I loved her so much and wanted to spend every waking minute with her. I always believed that she should get the attention that she deserves. In hindsight I could've tried my best to understand her a little better and maybe she would've stayed with me longer. I cherished every second that we spent together and definitely would've married her one day. I treated her with respect and did my best to be considerate towards her and her feelings. I planned her birthday with so much effort and did everything that she wanted to do on that special day. One of my many gifts to her was that I surprised her with a facial and a massage at a local resort. In the end she let me go really hard. She cut off all contact with me and was talking to me in a very cold way in the few times when we actually talked. I did my best to try and stay friends with her but she didn't want to have anything to do with me . About a week later, after we broke up, she was in a relationship with someone else already even after she told me that she didn't have feelings for anyone else. To have her lie to me like that hurt me really badly, especially after me caring and loving her so much through our relationship. My advice to you is be honest with him, and don't lie when you don't need to. But hold back some of the more hurtful things because having your heart broken is the most painful thing in life. And sometimes broken hearts can never recover if the person loves you more then anything in the world.
Don Ho Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 immature girls and unhealthy women are drawn... not by instinct but by low self esteem. Really. Just those two? And what kind of guys have you dated, nice guys or bad boys? And if nice guys, how many of those did you dump?
livelife Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 True words, Virtually ALL women say they want a "good guy", but it is never the case. which is ok with me, but why not just admit it? We want good guys, but they cant be good all the time. meaning, the good guys tend to get clingy, and devote all their time to you. Yes, thats awesome, but at the same time live a life of your own and just make time for me when needed. Can't be too easy, guys!
Author atage26 Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 We want good guys, but they cant be good all the time. meaning, the good guys tend to get clingy, and devote all their time to you. Yes, thats awesome, but at the same time live a life of your own and just make time for me when needed. Can't be too easy, guys! I agree. There's got to be a balance striked. TOo much of one thing is never a good thing. Anyway thanks for the advice everyone. I'll take the step of telling all except still pining for my ex part as that would destroy him. Hope the lot of you are doing well!
harkkam Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Its actually easier to treat girls in a "not nice guy manner" its because men value women too much. Just imagine how you treat your bratty brother or sister, but with a bit more compassion. Being nice actually takes more effort, its easier not to always be thinking about a woman all the time and take care of yourself. Being nicer takes more work so next time you feel like you're going out of your way to get a girl to like you just remind yourself. "Why the hell am I breaking my back to get her to like me, what about her, she is just a bore" Either just walk away at that time or makes jokes and if she doesnt respond well just leave. Forget that nice sh*T, only give that to women who actually deserve that from you. No woman is getting an ounce of anything from me until she proves herself worthy of my company and worth being nice too. No brownie points for having a pu*sy with me
BrokenArrow1987 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Your killing this guy by being with him when you don't really like him. How much worse is he gonna feel that the onyl reason you prolonged this painful experience is not beaucar you respect or admire him but becauses you pity him. because in reality your haven't broke up with him not because you care about him but you dont want him to think your are a bitch. Romantic relationships shouldn't be baised off of pitty that would kill any mans ego right there.
Wisteria Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 atage26, despite what you think, this guy is NOT a nice guy. From what you've said here, he is incredibly controlling (wants to decide what you wear) and refuses to listen to what you tell him (deciding he's coming over to bring you lunch when you told him you wanted NC). He is trying to guilt you into being with him, and he's doing a good job of it. These are all hallmarks of abusers, most of whom started out as "really great guys" before gradually revealing their true selves. I'm not trying to dump on genuinely nice guys. They know when to back off and when to pace themselves. Smothering is not being nice. Break it off gently but firmly with this guy now. Do not accept his phone calls, texts or whatever. Unfortunately I think you're going to need a little help with this because I think he's going to reveal his true, stalkerish nature once he realizes you are serious. Good luck!
Mimolicious Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 One simple way. Telling him the truth. You said it yourself, that you lied. So what about you tell him how you REALLy feel rather than having this guy think that "2 people in love don't break up without working things out". This will create all sorts of insecurities for him, when in fact he is not the problem. The problem is you still attached to your xBF and used this "sweet guy" as your rebound. Try that! Hey, at least he'll grow some anger and strength to move on with his life and find someone that truly deserves him. On a positive note, you're at least not dogging him while you're at it. Keep up your stance and if you dont want to be with him, dont flake. He'll live...
shayan Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 just be completely honest, tell him exactly why you broke up with him. Don't pussy foot around. Don't be friends. Be honest. You tell him the truth and stop picking up the phone because he is going to call a lot. Do him a favor and disconnect completely and don't be so weak in the future and cause someone so much pain because you need a rebound, or because you just need someone around. It's obvious you were never genuinely interested in this man. Learn from this mistake of yours and grow. And I am sorry but to be honest with you, Though I am sure you are a good person and have good intentions. I feel like the way you handled all of this is very oppurtunistic, cold, poor natured, and not in alignment with any good, and bicthy, so please don't do this again.
skydiveaddict Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 (edited) We want good guys, but they cant be good all the time. meaning, the good guys tend to get clingy, and devote all their time to you. Yes, thats awesome, but at the same time live a life of your own and just make time for me when needed. Can't be too easy, guys! No you don't want a "good guy" . You want a guy that will "just make time for you when needed". In other words, you want a guy you have to chase a little bit. Nothing wrong with that. But admit it, you said it yourself, nice guys tend to get "clingy", and that will drive most women away. And if you will be honest with yourself, "clingy" guys are not "awesome", they get boring very quickly. Edited October 27, 2010 by skydiveaddict
Banega100 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 how do you break up with him? by telling him to quit asking like a pusswari nam bread. what a puss-ay!
GrayClouds Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Really. Just those two? And what kind of guys have you dated, nice guys or bad boys? And if nice guys, how many of those did you dump? Your desire to extrapolate any meaning from anecdotal evidence , at best, is purely faulty logic and, at worst, suggest a cognitive biases that is desperately seeking some reinforcement, possibly looking for to explain away a personal hurt from rejection. A fact you can be secure with; nice guys, bad boys, good girls, wild women and all who live in between simplistic labels gets dumped. No matter how you choose to behave it will not protect you from experiencing pain that opening yourself up to an human being with there own faults, but by behaving honestly will greatly improve your chance of someone honestly loving you. While you choose to use the availability heuristic of LS to reinforce your attitudes, in my particular case I can assure you I have never dumped a nice guy.
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