First post here, She left me...full story

[bl22]

Hello everyone

 

Been reading posts on here with people going through the same problem as me. I'm willing to share my story...

 

Im 22 year old guy, 2 and half years ago I met this girl. Lets just say I thought she was absolutely amazing, she was my dream girl, I know everyone says that but I've had plenty of girlfriends before and they've never really bothered me. It was almost like I'd made her up myself she was that perfect, her eyes, her smile, her personality. She was a real natural beauty and didn't think much of herself atall which was suprising to me.

 

We we're both 20 at the time and we had perfect dates, I could tell she was as lovestruck as me and we got to know each quite fast. We had such a strong bond from the start. Lots of inside jokes, gifts for each other and everything was great, our families liked our relationship, out friends did, our sexlife was great (I was her first)

Before I met her I had a very strict gym routine going 5 times a week. After about a year of being with her, I was so happy and content that i didnt feel the need to impress anyone anymore and stopped going to spend more time with her.

After about a year we both start getting a little too comfortable, as relationships do, but we were both stil very happy. She was stil the sweetest kindest most innocent girl I'd ever known.

 

Everything was perfect until around 6 months ago, she mentions this guy at her work. I didn't think nothing of it cause i trusted her without a 2nd thought. Slowly but surely i noticed she would mention his name alot more in conversations we'd had. I checked his FB curiously and laughed. Wasnt worried, hes 19 (shes now 22) short arse, ugly guy, admits hes desperate etc.

 

My ex is just too nice for her own good, and I've always said you can't be nice to desperate guys because they get too attached, which is what happened. But he hated the fact she was with me, and he used to be her friend 1 day, then totally blank her the next day leaving her confused and annoyed and I had to cheer her up.

 

About 3 months ago we start arguing over him cause he admits to her he fancies her, I obviously dont like this and tell her to back off from him because its not fair on me obviously. She says she will.

Then she drops the bombshell 3/4 weeks ago 'Im not sure how i feel about him'....and was devastated but didnt feel threatened. I got pi**ed off and few days later she rings me saying shes sorry and its definately just friendship.

I meet her the next day and we have a lovely day out together, I'm saying bye to her at the train station and she tells me shes stil unsure about him. She starts crying in front of me and i didnt know what to say. We left and thats the last time i saw her.

 

I gave her space to think and then eventually I txtd her asking if she wanted to talk on the phone after work. She said 'Yes id love to talk to you tonight ' which i was happy at.

Her shift finished and I waited for a txt....no txt....i waited for a call...no call.....i called her ...phones off. I waited for a few more hours into the night and nothing so i went bed.

 

I woke up the next morning and rang her and she answered...i asked why didnt you ring me last night like you said....she goes quiet.....then admits she was out with him and kissed him. " But i felt nothing and realised how much i love you" she said.

Devastated I was, but took her words and said look its me or him make your choice. She said me, and I said so its not going to happen again then? and she answers "I dont think it will"

I just laughed and told her to get lost then as that didnt convince me. Since then I know she has got together with him basically which goes against the type of character I fell in love with and everything shes ever said to me. In fact it was only last month I took her out for the night and she said it was the best night of her life and that i was the love of her life. In fact i still have txts from her saying that.

She says she stil loves me but can't be with me whilst having feelings for him. I'm so bitterly wounded right now. Since then I've got back in the gym and back into my routine.

 

Everyone says move on, which they're probably right, but this has all come out of the blue to me, just this month. Last month she was telling me how shes gonna marry me and keep me forever?!

I really, really want to see her 6 months - 1 year down the line and for her face to be full of regret cause I'm going to work on being the best person I can possibly be, and that will be a million times better than the sly, desperate person she left me for.

[Don Ho]

Well, the say a good life is the best revenge, however, I wouldn't even waste my time worrying or thinking about what she will think about me in 6 months or a year. Go back to the gym and get over her. You'll find a better one.

[bl22]

thanks for the replying and reading. It has really destroyed my trust in anyone now, I've never ever had a problem with her being friends with new people but now this has happened, how am I going to take that in the future with new people I may meet? I'll be a paranoid wreck.

 

How can someone just jump from one person to the next without feeling any shame, surely she must have moments where she thinks about me whilst with him since we were so intimate and close.

 

I hope to god her new relationship with him which was formed out of deceit and betrayal goes really bad, fast. That will restore a little bit of faith 'what goes around comes around.'

 

This past month has felt like a bad dream literally, I've just wanted to wake up. It was always her paranoid of me doing something like this to her! Mornings are the worst time as I keep dreaming of her where we sort things out and she actually see's me again, then I wake up and it sinks in yet again whats happened

[bl22]

Also just to add...

 

I've decided no contact until her birthday in a couple of months time, I've wrote her a letter explaining some things and bought her a few gifts which I know she'd love. Some say this is a bad idea, some say its a good idea. Im not expecting us to get back together, but it might make her think a little plus she spent ALOT on my birthday.

[Don Ho]

thanks for the replying and reading. It has really destroyed my trust in anyone now, I've never ever had a problem with her being friends with new people but now this has happened, how am I going to take that in the future with new people I may meet? I'll be a paranoid wreck.

 

How can someone just jump from one person to the next without feeling any shame, surely she must have moments where she thinks about me whilst with him since we were so intimate and close.

 

I hope to god her new relationship with him which was formed out of deceit and betrayal goes really bad, fast. That will restore a little bit of faith 'what goes around comes around.'

 

This past month has felt like a bad dream literally, I've just wanted to wake up. It was always her paranoid of me doing something like this to her! Mornings are the worst time as I keep dreaming of her where we sort things out and she actually see's me again, then I wake up and it sinks in yet again whats happened

 

Oh, you will trust again. We always seem to "forget" a little and try again. Well, as I always say "Women are like monkeys. They never let go of one branch until they have hold of another". It probably won't work out for them and you're right, she'll probably get what she's got coming. But hey, look at it this way: she's now HIS problem!

[Don Ho]

Also just to add...

 

I've decided no contact until her birthday in a couple of months time, I've wrote her a letter explaining some things and bought her a few gifts which I know she'd love. Some say this is a bad idea, some say its a good idea. Im not expecting us to get back together, but it might make her think a little plus she spent ALOT on my birthday.

 

You wrote her a letter and bought her gifts. Everyone would say that's a bad idea, especially me. Anyone that said it's good idea and encouraged you should have their head examined. I notice how you didn't come on LS and ask members what they thought of what you wanted to do. Probably because you knew the answer you would get. It might make her think a little? Not to be a jerk Bro, but yeah, it will make her think that she's made the right decision to dump you and that you're a pathetic pussy.

 

It has nothing to do with how YOU feel about HER it has everything to do with you SHE feels about YOU. Writing a letter and sending her gifts is not going to "win" her over, in fact it will do the opposite. You claim you don't want to get her back, but you're trying to buy her back with your letter and gifts. No offense, but you did what the average guy does and it never works.

Edited October 24, 2010 by Don Ho

[strangeways]

WTH. Letters and gifts. What's the point of that? Like DH said (in so many words) it'll make you look like needy idiot. Take the gifts back, get your money back, buy yourself something, burn the letter.

 

Do not contact her on her birthday. Go out on her birthday with some friends and celebrate the fact she's out of your life.

[bl22]

Yeah you're right, dont worry I havent sent anything to her though. Her birthdays in a couple of months time. Maybe wait to see if she contacts me before sending anything? IF she doesnt, then I wont.

[strangeways]

Yeah you're right, dont worry I havent sent anything to her though. Her birthdays in a couple of months time. Maybe wait to see if she contacts me before sending anything? IF she doesnt, then I wont.

 

Stop waiting to see if she contacts you. If you stop waiting and get on with your life you'll probably find you don't give a s**t whether its her birthday or not.

[bl22]

It's just hard to stop loving someone so suddenly, despite how much of a backstabber she is. Plus she says she stil loves me, that's what I don't get.

[Don Ho]

Bro, she loves you but is not IN LOVE with you. It's more like she cares about you as a dear friend. It's said to make her feel better by making her think she's making you feel better. That's it. Stop reading into it.

[strangeways]

It's just hard to stop loving someone so suddenly, despite how much of a backstabber she is. Plus she says she stil loves me, that's what I don't get.

 

Listen, ACTIONS NOT WORDS. If she loved you she would be with you. Stop trying to second guess her. We've all been through this.

 

I get you can't suddenly stop loving her but you will eventually. Then you'll breath a huge sigh of relief, look back and think "WTF was thinking".

[coist]

Yep....she did the do hommie. She appeared to have met this guy and slept with him or at least kissed. If not him then with another man. Why I say this? Well based on your story, the no phone call, no text, then go on to say she doesn't know how she feels about him or something to that effect all tells me she has stepped out and did her bidding. So where does that leave you? Do you hang on and give her your remaining power or do you reclaim your self worth and leave.

 

Easier said than done...I know...boy I know....but this is the only way to build character from within and by that I mean enforce the No Contact. Never let anyone put your face in the sand no matter how much they claim they love you or how much you love them because if you continue putting up with her issues then she would regard you as weak and we all know that women do not like weak minded men.

 

Do this for yourself, not for her. Endure the storm that is about to come your way and by that I mean, sleepless nights, loss of appetite, thoughts of her having sex with another man, crying, sadness...and all that bull that comes alone with it. But if you endure this test....this lesson....I promise you that you would be a whole new person and someday you will look back at this woman and laugh about it to your new current lady.

[bl22]

thanks for the advice guys

 

Don ho what you said has really hit home, **** sending gifts and a letter. Like hell she deserves them, she doesnt even deserve a happy birthday. I'm just worried shes going to try to contact me on her birthday saying something like 'see i knew you didnt care really' cause she got it in her head that I didnt care as much as her which is total bull**** and just an excuse.

 

She has put me through the most painful experience I've ever lived through. Hurts so much because i loved her, but she's shown her true colours now and I'm begining to realise she's not worth me contacting her again ever.

[strangeways]

I'm just worried shes going to try to contact me on her birthday saying something like 'see i knew you didnt care really' cause she got it in her head that I didnt care as much as her which is total bull**** and just an excuse.

 

She has put me through the most painful experience I've ever lived through. Hurts so much because i loved her, but she's shown her true colours now and I'm begining to realise she's not worth me contacting her again ever.

 

Why are you worried then? Not your problem. Let her think what she wants to think. It's her problem.

[fabio10]

Bro your line of thinking right now seems alot like I was afew months ago Don tried his best to get through my stubborn rose tinted glasses and did I see sense....NO....until I made the mistake you are pondering !!! She said to me in the weeks following our break up that I had not tried to get her back, so I wrote the letter you are thinking of writting, I bought the gifts, I wrapped them up I posted them !

 

Did we get back together NO !!!! It did nothing, but I tell you what does do something NC, she tries to contact me alot but I dont respond, the only differance between you and I is my ex did not leave me for someone but learn from my mistakes, when the hold she has over you right now begins to loosen you will see things straight my god she dosent deserve you, take care of yourself, you have a long road ahead Im no expert nor am I healed but Im getting there.

[bl22]

thanks guys, i do really understand now that letter and gifts = bad idea

 

the more i think about it, the more i feel angry n sick, shes betrayed my trust, my love, my loyalty, my belief in her, everything. Why should someone like that get gifts and the pleasure of knowing how much im thinking of her.

[Mimolicious]

SO her birthday is supposed to be cashing in day? WTF do you care what she thinks if you dont send her gifts and this and that... What are you, her sugar daddy?

 

She's kissing and feeling "puzzled" about another dude and you're supposed to shower her with presents for her birthday to show that you care?! Where do they find these people?????!

 

I have a strong feeling that you will take this "good girl gone bad" back in a heartbeat. Get an STD exam before you take her ass back.

 

Seriously hone, life aint over and all you have lost is deceiving ho-ho. She just showed you a biit of her TRUE colors. Keep going to the gym, go out and make new friends.

 

But see what a little arrogance can get you!? You probably goofed and bashed this co-worker of hers calling him all sorts of foul names and perhaps it made her see the good qualities in him. No pun intended, I am just pointing out the obvious. Isnt this a typical scenario in tons of teen movies. Macho man gets dissed for the geek?

 

Anyway, dont waste energy thinking of what she wants, thinks or is doing. Not your business anymore. The quicker you stop the faster you start a new chapter in your life. You're only 22....

[bl22]

Mimolicious alot of what you say hits home. I wish I would have discovered this site a while back as it would have saved alot of mistakes on my part.

 

That being said, I've now seen what she's capable off and I'm pretty relieved it happened now rather than a few years down the line with the possibility of engagement/family

 

Thanks guys

[Don Ho]

Good change in attitude Bro. Don't contact her on her B-Day. IF she contacts you about it (which I doubt) you can always turn it around on her.

[Downtown]

B122, as I stated in Rap's thread, I am not finding any substantial behavioral traits (in your description of your exGF's behavior) that closely match strong BPD traits. Perhaps I am overlooking something. Do you recall specific behavior indicating that she has a weak and unstable self image? Do you recall repeated instances of all-or-nothing thinking, wherein she classifies people at one extreme and then, in ten seconds, reclassifies them as the exact opposite -- based on some minor comment or action that triggered her fears? Do you recall instances of her being very afraid of both abandonment and engulfment, as I described in Rap's thread? If not, don't worry about it. Instead, be very thankful that she doesn't suffer from those painful traits.

 

As I discussed in Rap's thread, being dumped so abruptly is not, by itself, an indication of strong BPD traits. Indeed, that behavior is so common among 22 year old people that -- when you get older -- you will realize it is a big risk to marry anyone before they are in their late 20's, or at least 25. In the early 20's, most people are still changing greatly in their values and goals.

Its hard not to think of him with disgust cause he actively persued her for around 6-8 months of our relationship, ... Also, I was her first time, and the thought of her doing that with someone else just tears me to pieces, after all the promises she made. I dont think i could everl ook her in the face again if i find out shes done it with him which most people would say she has done by now. Urgh hurts to write that. I hate the guy. (and her)

Like other respondents, my advice is to let go of your anger toward him. If your exGF was really a good fit for your personality type, there is no way she would have walked out for a 19 year old guy who is good with a pool stick. Your anger, then, really arises from the terrible pain SHE did to you.

 

Because you love her so, your mind is projecting the anger onto a safe target, i.e., onto the hapless snooker player. Only by redirecting your anger on him do you have a prayer's chance of keeping yourself from telling her exactly what you think of her betrayal -- an action that would kill any chances of you ever winning her back. Hence, you are simply using Mr. Rebound as a trash can to contain your anger at a safe distance from your loved one.

 

Significantly, projection works successfully to redirect your anger ONLY because it is done subconsciously, thus allowing you to actually believe that he is the source of your torment. Please, don't be fooled by that childish defense mechanism. It is one of the same defenses that children used often every day.

 

Granted, I still occasionally use projection too as an adult. And, yes, I am totally unaware of doing it until a week -- or a month later -- when I have time to cool down and reconnect with my logical mind on that issue. I therefore am urging you to do now what otherwise may take you many months -- don't trust your anger toward that man. Yes, he is devious and unworthy. Your anger, however, has little to do with him. The person who betrayed you was your exGF. Use your anger, instead, to help you stay with NC and remain away from her. You did not deserve what she did to you.

You say the impression we make when we break up isnt important. I acted desperate and needy for around 2 weeks after the breakup, so you're saying she wont remember me as this and it will have disappeared and she will remember the good relationship we had for 2 years?

Unless you think of behaviors resembling BPD traits, this question is essentially moot because it presupposes she has such traits. That is, I don't want to lead you astray by suggesting that she has traits that are not evident in your description of her behavior.

Is there any point contacting her on her birthday next week? .... I dont want her to make up a story in her head that I never cared cause i didnt wish her happy birthday and she spent alot on mine.

Regardless of whether she has strong BPD traits or not, I agree with the other respondents that you are much better off staying NC. But, ultimately, you will have to trust your own judgment (not the intense feelings you are suffering from).

[bl22]

Hey DownTown

 

Thanks for replying

 

It was only when reading your replies in the other thread i began to pick up on simarlar behavior with my ex. At the time though, I'm the sort of guy who would brush this behavior off easily with a joke as I could make her laugh even when she was in the foulest of moods which i liked.

 

But there were times she'd stay with me over weekend, and when shes leaving become very stressed despite a lovely weekend and id say to her look sweet lets not ruin it now its been great,and she'd say i no but i cant help it. She'd get home, few hours later everything will be fine again and thanking me for a great time.

Before she broke up with me , before she even mentioned the feelings for someone else, she DID suggest a break, which caught me by suprise. At the time I was like 'erm do you want me to leave then?' cause i was at her house. Eventually she said NO NO stay the thoguht of losing you is killing me, she said she wanted a break 'to get better cause she feels shes not good enough for me'

 

I quietly told her thats not for her to decide, its up to me, and I love you so I say you are good enough for me, you cant use that excuse on me. I didnt really think too much into her saying the break thing because we were stil having loadsa fun together. It was then masked by the ' i have feelings for someone else' a week or 2 later.

 

I do no this guy was txting her all the time, they work together 5 times a week also, and theyd chat on fb alot. I trusted her so I didnt think anything of it for the most part. The fact they work together 5 times a week makes me hope they soon get sick of each other cause they are always around, especially if they decide to see each other weekends as well? there will be no space atall!

 

Thinking back on the relationship, she was ALWAYS buying me things, and i bought her stuff too but not to the extent she did for me. I never asked for this , but she would always do it for me. The thing you said about getting lost in the othe persons personality rings home too, I had planned a load of projects which i wanted to do and so wanted to involve her, she got heavily involved with all that stuff and began watching all my fave films etc. I just presumed this was her taking a keen interest in me, never thought of it as BPD.

 

There were times when she thought I was on the computer too much when in fact id be on there to show her something. But she hated the computer bein on whilst i was there. I didnt really do anything majorly wrong in the relationship, just got too comfortable. Her father died like 9 years ago too and I've always tried to help her with that, whenevr hes mentioned I'd always be there for her. She used to say to me she feels her family reject her AND she was ALWAYS the paranoid 1 in the relationship.

 

Always thinking I'd be going off with someone else, or leaving her randomly, or telling her i dont love her anymore. I never ever had these paranoias. Also we very very rarely argued but when we did, it would always end with her saying 'im such a **** girlfriend to you' and id have to convince her she really isnt.

 

To be honest, during the relationship, these moments didnt bother me much, I was more than willing to ignore this stuff and just get on with things, I loved her, I was willing to take her as she is and if that meant she had a tantrum for no reason sometimes, then so be it, like I said...I'd just make her laugh and nobody else could do that when she was in that mood. I always stuck by her....hope that shows you abit more info...

 

Thanks so much for the reply:)

Edited November 27, 2010 by bl22

[Downtown]

B122, as I said in Rap's thread, every adult on the planet exhibits all nine BPD traits occassionally. And, when we were young children, we exhibited them all day long. This is because such traits arise from primitive emotional defenses (e.g., all-or-nothing thinking, projection, magical thinking, splitting, other dissociation, and denial) that are essential for our survival.

 

Do you remember the time your were driving on the highway and suddenly realized that you could not recall seeing anything in the last ten miles -- not even the three lighted intersections you had to have passed through? And do you remember the time you went to the kitchen and, on opening the refrigerator door, suddenly realized you had no idea what it was you were looking for? Well, both of those instances constitute "splitting" (i.e., dissociation) -- one of the hallmarks of BPD traits.

 

What happened was that, as the conscious part of your brain was day dreaming a thousand miles away, the subconscious part of your brain was driving you safely through three intersections and walking you carefully to the kitchen refrigerator. This process is called "splitting" because those two parts of your mind were temporarily "split," i.e., out of touch with each other. Of course, it is normal for folks to do such splitting every day, perhaps day dreaming many times in one day while they are walking or driving.

 

Consequently, even the most exotic of the nine BPD traits -- splitting -- is a very natural and common process. Indeed, like the other traits, it arises from a fear-response essential to our survival. Hence, when you look up to suddenly see a truck bearing down on you in the crosswalk, you would be a dead man if you handed the emergency over to the logical, rational part of your mind. Fortunately, you cannot do that because your brain is hard wired -- when suddenly startled or scared -- to split off the connection to the logical part so that the mind has to rely, instead, on the black-white thinking produced by the intuitive, childlike part of the mind. The beauty of all-or-nothing thinking, of course, is that it is very rapid.

 

This means that BPDers do not suffer from some weird other-worldly traits. Instead, they differ from the rest of us by degree. That is, they rely far more heavily on the primitive emotional defenses because, when they were 3 or 4, they likely experienced a trauma that forced them to use those primitive defenses very intensely in order to survive. The result was that they continued to hold onto those defenses for dear life and thus never did move on to mostly replacing them with more mature defense mechanisms (e.g., self soothing). That, at least, is the current theory for explaining that aspect of their behavior.

 

I mention all this simply to explain that your observations of a few BPD-type behaviors in your exGF likely indicates that, like all of us, she occassionally exhibits such traits. If that is true -- and I hope it is -- it is very very good news.

[bl22]

I mention all this simply to explain that your observations of a few BPD-type behaviors in your exGF likely indicates that, like all of us, she occassionally exhibits such traits. If that is true -- and I hope it is -- it is very very good news.

 

Thanks for the reply again downtown, can you ellaborate on why its good news that she shows BPD type behaviors?

[Downtown]

Sorry I wasn't clear. If your Ex is exhibiting only occasional BPD traits like nearly everyone else, it means she is a normal person, not a BPDer. That would be good news, indeed.