DianeAsi Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 (edited) I am a married woman in an almost sexless and definitely passionless marriage. My husband is a good husband and father to our 3 kids (one is from my first marriage, but he raised her since age 2). My problem is that the sex sucks. We've been together for 9 years and he loves me, he's just not a sexual person, where I on the other hand am very sexual and need it much more than he does. There's a guy at work, and we have this unbelievable sexual tension between us, but he doesn't want to do anything because I'm married. He said if I were single it would be a different story. I can't understand that because he's married w/kids too, so why the double standard? I'm not looking to break up my family, I love my husband and we've been to all the counseling that exists, I just need a little more than he does. What do I do with this guy at work, we're both dying to be together physically, but can't. No, I would not consider going with just any guy, my husband and I talk about this problem all the time, and he has no interest in spicing things up, trying something new or anything like that. He thinks that once in a while is enough, and only once at a time. I'm sure he's not having an affair, and I told him that I don't want to have an affair, but I have needs and for the past 9 years I've been taking care of myself. He said "do what you have to do". We love each other, and talk about everything, we tried to get help, a number of times, but in the sex department he's just not doing it for me. He doesn't watch porno, not depressed, just doesn't have sex drive like I do. I'm in my prime, I'm 32 years old and live like an 80 year old. We don't go out on dates or anything either - I'M BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!! I'm going nuts, and I don't know what to do...HELP! The only thing that's left is to see if there's actually a physiological problem with him, and he's kind of embarassed to do that, understandably. I'm willing to try anything, and I mean ANYTHING that will get his sex drive up. I have tried offering him everything and would do anything that he asked me to.. Edited October 24, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Mei Mei Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 It seems that the sexual affair with the MOM has not happened due to his refusal to do so. You are soon to explode with the heightened sexual drive. I advise you to seriously consider the potential risk to your marriage. Seek marital counseling to work on yourself and your relationship before it goes even worse. Good luck
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 what do you do about this guy at work?. nothing. you respect the fact that he is married and has enough sense to not become involved in an affair. leave him alone he's married. move on to another victim for your playmate while you profess to love your husband so much.
Author DianeAsi Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 this guy at work has cheated on his wife before, he doesn't want to cheat with a married woman - it's ok for him but not for me. i need sexual satisfaction and can't get it from my husband, whom, yes i do love. because i love him i have to give up on my own sexual satisfaction?
woinlove Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 My advice is to have a frank talk with your H. Although perhaps not in the first discussion, plan to tell him everything, including that you want to have your sexual needs met by other men if he is not interested. Some people have successful open marriages and you might become one of them. These are the options I see if you want to keep your integrity (1) come to an open and honest agreement with your H, which will likely involve your M changing, either by becoming open or one or both of you changing or (2) divorce so you are free to have sex with whomever you want. If you choose (1), you have to give it time and be willing to keep trying to establish open communication, if this is not the mode your M has operated under. The initial reaction is likely to be negative, but, if you value your M, you should keep working on conveying your unhappiness, while listening to your H's concerns. Marriage counselling may be useful/needed. If this doesn't get anywhere, you still have option (2). If you and your H agree to the solution of you having sex with another man, you should find a single man or a man in an open relationship. Otherwise, your actions would harm another family.
kis Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 this guy at work has cheated on his wife before, he doesn't want to cheat with a married woman - it's ok for him but not for me. i need sexual satisfaction and can't get it from my husband, whom, yes i do love. because i love him i have to give up on my own sexual satisfaction? How long has this tension been going on with the guy at work? If he is refusing to have sex with you but still flirts and continues to have a relationship with you. he knows he if playing with fire and somethings got to give. When your husband told you to do what you have to do. was he talking about masterbation or........................what. Does he know about the other man?
woinlove Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I should add to my above message, since you say you talk about everything: Telling your H that you have needs, but don't want to have an A and have been taking care of yourself, is not the same as telling your H that you are thinking of having sex with another man. So I am assuming you still have a ways to go in frank discussion. For an open R to work, you two would need to establish clear rules. Does he want to know in advance? Are there restrictions on who, where, when, etc?
Norville_Rogers Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Never...NEVER...have an affair with someone you work with. Or even work in the same building that you work in. EVERYTHING changes as soon as the clothes come off. Unless you're willing to make this extremely uncomfortable for you or him (or others) at work (to the point where one you may have to find another job) then don't dip the pen in the company ink....even if that ink is pink!
Bryanp Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I guess you really have to ask yourself are you willing to risk destroying your marriage and ending up divorce which becomes a real possibility? He may have a hormone problem and should be checked. In addition, a therapist or a sex therapist may be in order. Good luck.
JAGeezer Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 (edited) this guy at work has cheated on his wife before, he doesn't want to cheat with a married woman - it's ok for him but not for me. i need sexual satisfaction and can't get it from my husband, whom, yes i do love. because i love him i have to give up on my own sexual satisfaction? In a word? Yes. I have prostate cancer, which has recently come out of remission. For those who don't know what that means, the hormone injections required to force it back into remission will kill my sex drive, dead, dead, dead. My wife supports me in that. She needs her husband alive more than she needs a hardened penis. How about that. So, if your husband were in my boat, would you feel that it gives you carte blanche to cheat to fulfill your "needs"? The marriage vows read "for better or for worse". This would be the worse. Grow up and deal with it, or get a divorce, because you have no business being married. End of story. If you want sex more than you want your marriage, then get a by god divorce and go get laid. It's either one or the other. Pick one. Cheating because you can't control your own sexual appetite is an insult to your family and your husband. If, however, you're ready to stop whining about YOUR needs, then keep working with the poor SOB. Tell him how you feel, and that if something can't be done about it, you're going to have to leave because you're dying. Make it clear that the marriage is on the line. If that doesn't work, then decide. Which matters more to you. Your marriage and your husband's love, or a bawdy good time between the sheets. Like I said, in the situation you describe it's a clear cut either/or choice. This is marriage, not a Chinese buffet. JAG Edited October 24, 2010 by JAGeezer
Maggotface Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Sex is more important than we'd like to think isnt it? It does make things more frustrating for you but if you really love your husband as much as you say you do then you do not even want to imagine the hurt you will put him through if/when you cheat, it will affect your children also. Think about it from your husbands point of view, it's not just you getting sexual release it's another man being intimate with his wife. That would be a huge blow to him knowing that he has failed so much to please you sexually that you've had to go elsewhere. I think the best advice came from woinlove, an open marriage is a possibility if nothing else has helped.
Vince1980 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 hey have u done anything at all with the guy in work. flirty texts or and odd kiss ?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 What is not enough???? Once a week, 4X's a week, once a month???? Do you want sex to be swinging off chandeliers with toys and "freaky" stuff????? I take it you want wall shaking, all night sessions.... You have three kids, one before age 21.... Sounds like you are trying to recapture your youth and scared you missed out on something.... But then you say you are bored and not even "date nights".... Does he know this is what you want too???? What exactly do you want would be a start?
Silly_Girl Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 What is not enough???? Once a week, 4X's a week, once a month???? Do you want sex to be swinging off chandeliers with toys and "freaky" stuff????? I take it you want wall shaking, all night sessions.... You have three kids, one before age 21.... Sounds like you are trying to recapture your youth and scared you missed out on something.... But then you say you are bored and not even "date nights".... Does he know this is what you want too???? What exactly do you want would be a start? At the age of 32 I don't think chandeliers and and toys should be off the menu at all.
MorningCoffee Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 At the age of 32 I don't think chandeliers and and toys should be off the menu at all. Add 20 or 30 years to that, and they STILL shouldn't be off the menu. Just maybe a little slower with the chandelier.
jwi71 Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 i need sexual satisfaction and can't get it from my husband, whom, yes i do love. because i love him i have to give up on my own sexual satisfaction? Then you have a clear choice - cheat or do not. Personally, I would sit your H down and specifically tell him what you intend to do - namely have sexual intercourse with other men to satiate your need. I would further go as far as to phrase in such a way that his only responses will be yes or no. No ambiguity. If he says yes, lay out ground rules (protection, frequency, who, etc) and then go laid. If he says no...you can either cheat and have an A, get a D, or live with it. Clearly if he says yes you are free and clear to satisfy your needs within the rules you BOTH agreed upon. If not...well...then what? In any case, I really wouldn't go after the co-worker - that's nothing but trouble. Put up an online profile and go from there.
JAGeezer Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Then you have a clear choice - cheat or do not. Personally, I would sit your H down and specifically tell him what you intend to do - namely have sexual intercourse with other men to satiate your need. I would further go as far as to phrase in such a way that his only responses will be yes or no. No ambiguity. If he says yes, lay out ground rules (protection, frequency, who, etc) and then go laid. If he says no...you can either cheat and have an A, get a D, or live with it. Clearly if he says yes you are free and clear to satisfy your needs within the rules you BOTH agreed upon. If not...well...then what? In any case, I really wouldn't go after the co-worker - that's nothing but trouble. Put up an online profile and go from there. And if he says yes because he's been boxed into a corner with no way out but to lose his marriage? People will agree to a LOT of things that they later regret, when they feel that they have no other choice. Right now, the person with all the choices seems to be the OP. JAG
Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 At the age of 32 I don't think chandeliers and and toys should be off the menu at all. What does someone expect from a relationship when it comes to sex...... Yes what is normal for one, maybe abhorant to someone else. Sorry if the OP tells me they are having sex 4X's/wk and use porn and toys, various positions, but she wants to try B&D or suggests Swinging vs. once a month missionary...... that is something to take into account before offering advice....
Chi townD Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 this guy at work has cheated on his wife before, he doesn't want to cheat with a married woman - it's ok for him but not for me. i need sexual satisfaction and can't get it from my husband, whom, yes i do love. because i love him i have to give up on my own sexual satisfaction? Yeah it's call for better or for worse. You might have heard something like that. So, now take the worse and make it better. Someone posted it might be a horomone problem, I think a check up is needed.
gkaplan000 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 My marriage is far from perfect and our passion is lacking too. My wife has never been a passionate person but takes care of me like a champ in the bedroom. My sex drive is like yours and I can never get enough. her's is not so much since it hurts her to have sex after our second child. No matter how bad I want to have sex with someone else that is never an option for me. In the time that it takes to cheat on my wife... I would rather take that time drink a captain n coke and eat a turkey sandwich. Sex is not worth throwing a marriage away. You are only really hot for this guy since it would be a new thing for you. Put your big girl panties on and force your husband to give you the sex you need.
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