I just dumped my dream girl

[BrokenArrow1987]

well we talked and it went well except we're still broken up and shes left the country for 6 weeks. After talking I'm still a jelous guy but I really do trust her. I wish we could be together but maybe some space is important right now. Shes says she can't live like this and I agreed. Over 10 months it hasn't grown into anything more than just sneaking around and having to keep our relatinship a secret for everyone, and its a hopeless future if we tried to stay together and keep doing what we were doing. This must be what it's like being gay and having a partner in the closet. I've been trying for a long time and still haven't figured it out. In my mind logically life goes on whatever happens, but my heart still has hope and I can almost see it. I can't really trust my gut cause I haven't been eating healthy and many times what I think is my gut trying to tell me something is really just paranoia. Anyways thanks for the support everyone who posted advice.

[chocha_mocha]

Hey BrokenArrow, I can understand where you are comming from. Not that my last relationship involved the dynamics of yours, but I can understand being with someone who needs alot of attention from the opposite sex. Maybe I'm wrong, but it kinda sounded like that from your posts. Regardless of whether you trust them or not, its going to make you feel insecure and jealous. I don't think trust is as absolute as 'well I trust you so you can do no wrong'. I trusted that my partner didn't want to cheat, or that they would, but it gets difficult knowing that they are getting off on the attention they are receiving and not doing anything about it. Lets be honest, who doesn't feel good when they get a compliment from then opposite sex? But if they begin to grave it like my ex did, it makes you feel like your not a good enough partner, you know, like your not giving them enough to make them feel wanted. Well I certainly gave. Didn't seem to make much difference. It was all about feeding his ego.

 

I must have made things so difficult if you couldn't admit to people that you were together. Personally, I don't think I could have felt secure in a relationship were I was being hidden, regardless of the reasons. Even though it hurts and you hope one day things might be different, its really positive that you've been able to recognise what works/doesn't work in a relationship. It doesn't mean that your are overly suspicious or jealous because you didn't like how your gf was acting, its just we're all different and have different expectations in a relationship.

 

What ever happens, I hope things work out for you xx

[BrokenArrow1987]

Once she told me that she loves that I'm jelous, but she hates that I'm jelous. I worked out a lot when we started dating which was easy when I had the motivation to, I thought I would have to beat up guys for hitting on her or to defend myself if her brothers found out. But I only got in one fight and it was addmitidely passive agressive in nature because I couldn't confront the man about what I was really pissed about and had to make is seem like I was mad at him for something unrealted. It was a quick fight and even though he acted tough before I laid a hand on him, two seconds into the fight he ran to tell the manager on me, I got in trouble from my boss, he lied and said I came at him with a knife but they didnt fire me when I told them I lost my cool and it wouldnt happen again. I guess I scared him pretty bad. The guy is an arrogant *******, a biggot who never shuts up and would try to push the smaller guys at work around like the gay guy who use to work there, so I don't feel bad about it. I had few incidents with that guy after that. But afterwards instead of decking a guy for talking to her in a way I don't like, I would have to let guys go and get mad at her in private instead which dosen't seem like a manly thing to do. Right now I'm glad I have time to reflect and think about stuff. It was sure exciting at times for sure.

Edited November 4, 2010 by BrokenArrow1987

[BrokenArrow1987]

I think jelousy is healthy, maybe not for the person whos getting beat up but it's a very primal emotion that has lasted generations of evolution. I would be bothered if I had a partner that wasn't jelous sometimes.

[BrokenArrow1987]

I want her back, but I think I'll still be jelous sometimes, I feel like if I don't she will walk all over me and if I am suspicious and jelous that she will feel like I dont trust her and want to cheat on me. Is there a balance somewhere? She was very careful to keep our relationship a secret and I wouldn't be able to find any evidence of her cheating if she was even half as careful not to let anyone find out as she was with me. She would always delete our text messages and I made sure to do the same. God and sometimes now I still think she may have been hiding things from me. I beleive she told me the truth about not doing anything with sthe other guy at work she seemed really sincere. She thought I was going to kill her, when I came to appologize to her for accusing her of giving me an STD which Im an idiot for because it turns out it was really just a canker sore. I said I"m sorry and pulled out some flowers and she tought I was pulling out a gun. It was a jerk move on my part to accuse her like that.

That night I said I had to tell her something, I've tried to tell her about my feelings for her before and it never came out right and didnt sound sincere and I don't think she beleived me, In my mind this would be something she couldn't argue with, so she asked me what it was I had to tell her. I looked into her eyes, put my hands on each side of her face and stole a kiss from her, this was the first time in a long time that she kissed me back like she meant it, it was just a second or two then as if suddenly realizing, pulled back, I told her thats what I wanted to tell her. She smiled and then got serious she said this dosent mean were are back together and I replied "I know", and she gave me a warm embrace. It was a goodbye. What it comes down to is that she wanted to keep it a secret and I didn't. From my perspective if we came out that things would be happier and all our friends and family would be happy for us. from her perspective if we came out that her life would basicaly be over and she would be and outcast and we would never be able to see eachother again. I think both view are probably a bit exaggereated from reality. I wanted our relationship to be something more and maybe I pushed that too much instead of just let things be and see where life would take us. I really want her back but how do I keep my trust in her? The manager at work that hates me caused my friend whos going through enough troubles at home as it is break and force quit today, shes done it to 2 or three people now and I'm her next target. I could loose my job and loose all contact with her. I've been warned to watch out for that manager that she hates me for whatever erason and will do anything to try and fire me or force me to quit and I've been trying to keep on my toes and with all this stress right now I have to be more careful than ever to keep my cool. I'm trying to figure out what my heart is trying to tell me and it's definatly mixed. I want to be with her but the jelousy and secrecy hurts and these problems make me feel insecure which isn't exactly a turn on for her which in itself makes me feel insecure and I don't want to pressure her and make her feel trapped either. I know there are other women out there but I haven't made the positive changed in my life like I have by being with her. I gave up many of my old addictions, started to care about my health and went back to school all without pressure from her. I think that she really makes me a better man by her being with me.

Edited November 5, 2010 by BrokenArrow1987

[BrokenArrow1987]

Sorry to resurrect this old thread, I've been looking for a new job, shes been over seas in her home country with her sister right now. I've been talking to other girls at school more but I'm not interested in a relationship with any of them. I went out for a few drinks with an old female friend of mine, should I tell her about this when she gets back? I'm suppose to be on the wagon. I'm feeling conflicted in between wanting to be with her and being a man. If I'm spineless about things she wont be with me and if I'm too hard I can't be with her. I want to be with her but not like how it was. I want her to understand how I feel. Every other time she broke up with me beause things wernt working out with us sneaking around, I had every intention of getting back together with her and we did. But now that I'm the one who brok up with her things seem different. It's hard to let her go. My inner voice asked me "you're just going to give up?" but then I think "What if we did get married, I couldn't tolorate having a wife that flirts with other men.". I want to forgive her for flirting with other guys right in front of me, but she never appologised for her behavior and always blamed the other person. I don't exactly have a new life to offer her if she were to be kciked out of her home by her family. I'm still in school. It will be 3 weeks before I see her again. I want to be honest to her about me being jelous and hope she will understand. I don't know what to say to her when she gets back if anything. Logically I should jsut let her go and find a new job where I wont be working with her anymore. But that dosent feel right, love is anything but logical. But there has been so much damage done I don't know if I should try to rebuild or move on. I feel like theres something I havent said to her that I need to say. but I don't know what the words are. When I've tried to say I love you to her it never sounded sincere and I don't think she beleived me and she never said it back. I like her and I think she likes me too. maybe there is something wrong with me. or im just not communicating my thoughts or intentions.

Edited November 24, 2010 by BrokenArrow1987