miaowmiaow Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 We were together for almost 5 years and recently just got married in February of this year. A little over a month ago out of the blue he tells me that he doesn't want to be with me right now, that he wasn't happy and he needed to be alone. He didn't want to talk about anything, he made up his mind just like that. I was confused and did everything to push him away further (begging to give us a chance,you know all that stuff). I decided that I couldn't live with someone that didn't know if they wanted to be with me so I started to pack up my stuff. He said that I could still live with him , that we could be roomates for now, which confused and hurt me even more. I moved to a different state to be with my family through this hard time. I find out acouple weeks ago he's already in a relationship with another girl. I asked him if he wanted to save our marriage and take things slowly and he told me," In my current situation, no, but I can't predict the future" and said that he's fine where he's at in his current relationship. He texted me acouple weeks ago telling me that he missed me, that I was his bestfriend and that things weren't as bad as he made them out to be. Which confused me even more. He wants to stay in contact with me and wants to be friends. What sucks is that I really do love him and want to work things out, even though he's with another girl. I feel stupid for loving someone that could do that to me. We have always been there for eachother through thick and thin and never really broke up before, we may have had arguements. All I can think of is that he started developing feelings for this girl ( he works with her) before he broke up with me. We had been going through some tough times for acouple weeks due to our car breaking down, family being in town and stress with work and college. It seemed so easy for him to break things off with me like that. All I want is for him to give us a second chance because we had something special and I can't believe he threw it away like that. He texted me acouple days ago saying ," I think you should move back to Vegas". ( I lived in Vegas and moved to Arkansas to stay with my family). He texted me at like 6am saying that which I found very strange and random. I asked him why and he just said, " just cause" and that was it. Then yesterday he brings up getting an anullment/divorce and I asked him if that's what he really wanted to do and he says don't you? I told him that I wanted him to give us a chance, but if he's not willing to save our marriage then he can go ahead and file. He didn't say anything after that. I just don't know what to do, I do love him and want to be with him and have been trying to cope the best I can. It's so hard fighting for someone being so far away and him already having a gf. It makes me think he didn't love me if he could move on so quickly like that. I can't stop thinking about him and I just want him back.
shayan Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 my personal advice, get as far away as possible from this guy. He sounds oppurtunistic, if he loved you he would not have needed his personal space. And he sure as hell wouldn't of had a girlfriend.
yoga18 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 my personal advice, get as far away as possible from this guy. He sounds oppurtunistic, if he loved you he would not have needed his personal space. And he sure as hell wouldn't of had a girlfriend. Leave! Sounds so much like my ex! Please file yourself! Tell him you will make it easy for him and your going in search of real happiness! Tell him goodbye! It will hurt but trust me I wasted 7 years on a story such as yours plz don't do that!
lucylove Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 sadly it becomes more and more clear as i read what you have written that you are dealing with someone who once loved you and has now settled for egotistically suitable mind games. you know what love is because you love him. ask yourself, loving him as you do now or as you did then, would you, could you have acted as he has? love does not gamble this way. this man is attempting to have his cake and eat it too. he wants freedom and he wants you on the back burner as a source of comfort all at once. i understand you love him and want him back. i know what love is and it is not easy to toss aside. and i know it must be difficult to reconcile what you had with what you have now. but self respect should always triumph love, if one is to come out ahead. if you compromise your self respect here, you lose in both cases. if you do not risk it, you win automatically in the former case and a chance at least of winning in the latter. that said, you should seriously reconsider the option of reconciliation even if it is presented to you. ok, so you all encountered some tough and stressful circumstances. what married couple doesn't? do you want to be with someone who throws away your love because the going gets a little tough? it isn't as if you gave him sound reason to abandon you. yes life might have gotten a bit trying but you did not cheat on him, abuse him, or not make a full effort now, did you? you sound like a very caring lady. you have a lot to give. why give it to someone willing to play with your heart? it sounds and looks (from your picture) as if you are still very young. you have plenty of time to find someone who would never take you for granted. what are you waiting for? you can do better and deep down you know it! gather your strength and get some outside help--a counselor for instance, to help to deal with the suddenness of this very painful event. and move towards healing. you don't need a husband who flees at the sight of trouble. you need one who sticks it out and fights. it is doubtful, very doubtful, that he will change.
dreamingoftigers Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 This has pre-breakup affair written all over it. Do a 180 with the guy, he didn't just get with her a couple of weeks after breaking up with you. He got physical, that's why he is willing to leave his marriage.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 (edited) miaowmiaow : I'm not going to beat around the bush here, with glorified words about your current situation. Let's just cut to the chase, shall we! Don't hurt yourself even more by being naive, don't fool yourself, this "other woman" just didn't jump into the situation weeks after your break up, more than likely she was already there. This "other woman" was in your Husbands dark shadows of his world. Once the coast was clear, and your were out of the picture, this "other woman" walked out from the shadows and into the light. No telling how long your Husbands apparent affair with this "other woman" was. But from the sounds of it, it had to be a considerable period of time, most people who just meet their soon to be "other woman" just don't immediately kick their wife's to the curb. This "other woman" was something in the making for quite some time. Your Husband has been "stacking the deck" against you for a while now. You say a month ago he started to tell you he didn't love you anymore! Think long and hard, were there any sort of other "warning signs" that he was showing before a month ago? Did his interest in doing things with you change at anytime say within the past 6 months? Did his verbal attitude change for the worse within the past 6 months? Did he start becoming more easily agitated by you within these past 6 months? Did he start using you as some sort of an escape goat, for problems in your marriage, within the past 6 months? Has he been acting strange or wired or even suspicious when receiving phone calls late at night? Has he ever used the excuse more than once within these past 6 months, that when a late night call came in, that is was just a wrong number? Has he been going out of his way within these past 6 months to have more private time, even if it meant going into another room of the house, just to be alone, maybe with his phone in hand? Have you noticed any strange activity on the family computer within the past 6 months? Before moving out, did you at all check your computers internet browser for it's "history report"? Within the past 6 months have there been any odd or unusual or suspicious marking on your Husbands body, bite marks, hickey's, finger nail scratch marks on his back, stuff like that? I only have asked all those question, to try and help to get you thinking! If you answered yes, to maybe even two (2) of those questions, you might have your answer, that this "other woman" isn't anything new in your Husbands life, that she indeed has been around a good long while, waiting for just a day like this to come. This man has dishonored you! This man is now putting another woman before his own wife. This man is currently playing house with another woman, when he should be playing it "for real" with his very own wife. This man has been keeping his sweet piece of a** on the side for quite some time, all the while keeping it as his own "dirty little secret"! This man has gone as far as stabbing you with the ultimate dagger of dishonor in the back, by even uttering the words "I don't love you"! This man wants the best of both worlds, for his wife to move back to Vegas, all the while once again having his secret little piece of bang tail in the shadows, for him to do as he pleases. I'm sorry, but in my opinion, this is no man, this is a dark evil little child. Before I sign off here, I'm going to give you one last and final thing to think about. I learned the following the hard way, my marriage was destroyed by my ex-wife's betrayal, similar to your situation and I learned this........ "If you don't have trust, than you really don't have anything at all"! If even a little tiny part of your mind is reserved in trusting your Husband again, than the deals off. Trust is a "deal maker" and it's a "deal breaker"! Just think about this all very seriously. Put yourself into a "hypothetical scenario", you forgive your Husband evil deeds, you allow him back in to your heart, back into your soul, back into your mind. Everything for a while is a honey moon again, but there it is, that little tiny voice in your head, that nags you, that echos in you head when you Husband says something to this effect......"Honey, sorry to be calling you but I'm going to have to stay after here at work and finish up the proposal, I might be like 2-3 maybe even 4 hours late getting home, don't worry about fixing dinner and please don't wait up for me"! Can you live with this? Are you going to take it at face value? Are you going to trust that your Husband is being honest with you? Even with this hypothetical scenario, I think I can hear something, it's that little voice inside your head. I think your mind just had a split second thought........................."Is he at work, or is he with the other woman"! Think about it! Edited October 24, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior
Author miaowmiaow Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 Thank you all for replying to my post. Everything is all so confusing. He was acting strange 2 weeks before he broke up with me. That is when our car broke down and he started getting rides to work with the girl he is with now. Then she started driving him around everywhere without my knowledge. I'm pretty sure he started developing feelings for her in that time since I could tell with how he was acting. I'm not sure if he actually did anything with her in that time but who knows. I know everyone keeps saying to divorce him and forget about him but it's just so hard because he was my friend for 8 years, almost 5 years of being together and only 7 months being married. I do love him , he seemed like he loved me so much and wanted to be with me and have a future with me when he asked me to marry him. It's been a month and 2 weeks since now, it's so weird not having him in my life. We use to do everything together and both really understood eachother, or so I thought. I guess the only thing to do is to continue to move on with my life and try to get an annulment. Yes we are both young still ( i'm 24 and he's 22) and I know it will take time to heal, I just wish I didn't miss him so much and constantly think about him. He seriously did mean the world to me. I can't believe he would do something like this to me.
serenemind Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 (edited) I think its time for you to stop thinking about him and start thinking about yourself. Even if he comes back do you think you will be able to trust him...do you think he will be loyal to you....he will never cheat on you? Can you guarantee that. The answer is NO. Right now you are alone and thats the reason you cannot stop thinking about him. Take care of yourself. Start doing something fun, step out and meet friends and family. Try to be around people and in a few days you will feel much better. Eat well and build some courage. Honestly you can do a lot more in life than clinging to this guy who doesn't care a damn about you. ..."The first thing you need to do is stop staring at your cellphone hoping to see a text or a call from this guy". Good luck and keep posting. Edited October 24, 2010 by serenemind grammar
stillafool Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 He is keeping you on the string until he decides what his final move is going to be. Yes he already had this other girl lined up before he broke up with you. Honey, I am sorry for your pain but be thankful you did not have kids with this guy. If you want him back (and I can't understand why you would) you have to go strict NO CONTACT with him. He has to know what it would be like not to have you there anymore as an option. How can he miss what the two of you had when he is still allowed the priviledge to talk to you and know you still love and want him. Also, NC will strengthen you and help you see things clearer. If I were you I wouldn't take him back unless he made a trip down there and cried and begged for your forgiveness.
habs53 Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Hey there. Let this guy go, he made a huge mistake and is simply putting you in the picture because it may not work out. You left and he doesnt know how to handle that. Do your self a huge favor and stay gone. You seem like a smart pretty woman, dont settle for this. He is playing you for a fool.
Author miaowmiaow Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 So he randomly messages me tonight asking me what i'm up to tonight and letting me know he carved a pumpkin for his first time. Why is he messaging me randomly letting me know all the things he's doing ( this isn't the first time). It's like i've tried to get him to do things with me and he never wanted to go out and do fun things but now he's with that girl it's like he's rubbing it in my face that he's doing all kinds of new fun stuff with her that he wouldn't do with me. Is he trying to make me jealous or something? I just don't understand.
Tayla Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 PLease take off the blinders and focusing so much on WHAT he is or ISNT doing to save the marriage, Instead change your phone number and get a PO box for when things need to be sent...Otherwise you are just setting yourself up ..easier said then done...I know...been there. Just re-focus on how to recover from this....you are doing yourself a great disservice by neglecting your well being , mental and otherwise....
gemmie Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 The fact that he's texting you with all the stuff he's up do just proves how insensitive and selfish he is toward you. Also, he's supposedly with this new girl - bet she wouldn't like the fact that he still contacts you either - he's playing both of you like a beautiful orchestra. Don't be a part of it - I agree with all the others here, go NC with him, he doesn't deserve it. It is a shell of a marriage you are left with, so put no more effort or work into it, and move on. Read some books, go out, have fun, and don't let him sucker you back into his pathetic lies. It's hard, its tough, lots of crying, but you'll be stronger than ever and ready to meet your proper other half.
Author miaowmiaow Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 So he messages me today telling me that he had thought about reconciling with me , that he had been going back and forth about it for awhile but that he'd had enough. He's happy with his new gf. Did I mention that she recently got out of a long term relationship with her bf as well and he has been trying to get her back. I think it would be funny if she left my ex to go back to her ex. Does anyone believe in karma? He said that he isn't confused anymore and that he's over me. It has been 8 weeks since he broke up with me. How can someone just leave their wife and not even give them a chance to reconcile and to jump right into another serious relationship so soon? I think they are even moving into a new apartment together at the end of this month. Ugh it makes me sick. Anyways, I broke down today crying and being depressed. I was doing so well today but he just has to ruin everything for me. We have acouple thousand dollars of debt together that he keeps bugging me about. I just want him to leave me alone!
The-Zen-Warrior Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Did I mention that she recently got out of a long term relationship with her bf as well Sorry to find humor in your situation, but you got me laughing a little, when I read part of your post here, the line above just about made me spit out my Pepsi in laughter. What came to my mind, what do I find so silly here, well what we got ourselves here is nothing more than a classic case of REBOUND! Oh yes, your Husband can sure pick em! He must not have a clue that rebound relationships, almost always crash and burn! So he broke it off with you, on the premise of making it work with a girl on the rebound! Hell, your Husband is on the rebound himself, this is already shaping up to be a very stable, honest, loyal and healthy relationship......."NOT"! Heck miaowmiaow don't worry your pretty self about this guy anymore, heck, if anything, why not get out a nice bag of "double butter" pop corn and pop that up! Grab yourself a nice cool one out of the fridge, grab yourself a lawn chair, find a nice place to sit by the field of life and watch this one play out! This is going to better than watching a cheesy episode of Days of our Lives!
cozenedindigo Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 you are SO MUCH BETTER OFF without him! Do whatever it takes to go NC and clear your head. I know ya'll have been together for 5 years, but you're only 24! How much of that has been mature, healthy, stable? How much of it has been fantasy/puppy love? On top of everything, he MARRIED you and then is acting like this?! Sounds like a piece of crap you shouldn't waste any more time on. Five years is more than enough. Close that door, girl, slam it hard. Don't leave it open for him to come back when he gets dumped on his sorry behind. Go NC, keep coming back here, head to your best girlfriend's house, cry, go on a few casual dates eventually -- do WHATEVER it takes, but cut contact right NOW!
Author miaowmiaow Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 So it has been a little over 2 months now since the break up. I haven't initiated any contact with him but he has messaged me acouple times. Him and his new GF are getting a place together at the end of this month and even went furniture shopping together. They even got a kitten (after months of me trying to talk him into us getting a kitten together). I'm so over it all. I don't even want him back if he ever does realize he was a complete ass for doing this to me. I just hope we're able to get an annulment and he can just be out of my life. I don't deserve to be treated the way he has treated me. I don't feel hate towards him anymore. I don't really feel anything anymore. I am starting to realize how toxic he was to me. He was controlling, he made me feel stupid, wouldn't let me handle any of the finances and wouldn't let me buy anything ever but he would buy whatever the hell he wanted to whenever he wanted, he would argue with me in the middle of the grocery store about stupid little things and make me cry... We may of had good times but he was also really horrible towards me and I do not deserve to be treated that way. I don't know what I was thinking even staying with him as long as I did. I guess I just thought I seen a good side to him. I am better off without him. I definitely learned from this experience. I just don't know if I will be able to trust another person ever again. These past 2 months have been hard on me but I am feeling stronger everyday and even though i'm lonely i'm happy that I have this freedom now. I am still young and have so much I want to accomplish in my life and now I don't have a stupid controlling guy in my life weighing me down anymore.
habs53 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 So it has been a little over 2 months now since the break up. I haven't initiated any contact with him but he has messaged me acouple times. Him and his new GF are getting a place together at the end of this month and even went furniture shopping together. They even got a kitten (after months of me trying to talk him into us getting a kitten together). I'm so over it all. I don't even want him back if he ever does realize he was a complete ass for doing this to me. I just hope we're able to get an annulment and he can just be out of my life. I don't deserve to be treated the way he has treated me. I don't feel hate towards him anymore. I don't really feel anything anymore. I am starting to realize how toxic he was to me. He was controlling, he made me feel stupid, wouldn't let me handle any of the finances and wouldn't let me buy anything ever but he would buy whatever the hell he wanted to whenever he wanted, he would argue with me in the middle of the grocery store about stupid little things and make me cry... We may of had good times but he was also really horrible towards me and I do not deserve to be treated that way. I don't know what I was thinking even staying with him as long as I did. I guess I just thought I seen a good side to him. I am better off without him. I definitely learned from this experience. I just don't know if I will be able to trust another person ever again. These past 2 months have been hard on me but I am feeling stronger everyday and even though i'm lonely i'm happy that I have this freedom now. I am still young and have so much I want to accomplish in my life and now I don't have a stupid controlling guy in my life weighing me down anymore. It takes time, it really does. Trust, Understanding, feeling safe is what makes a relationship. The warm feeling inside of you is gone now. It will take some time to get that back again and trust someone again.
iheartboobs Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 First of all, let me say I know it hurts, I've been there. Second, try to think of it this way: you married a man that will cheat on you. That's a fact. You married a man that will leave you. That's a fact, too. You married a pile of **** that will lie to you, disrespect you, make you look like a fool, and not care. You married a man who does not love you, not really, because you don't do that to someone you love. These are all facts. This is who your husband is. Now he's playing games with you by phone? "jst txtng 2 say i crved a pmpkin lol", "stil <3 u but dnt no if i wnt u", "stayng w/ gf wnted u 2 no rofl"... ****in seriously? He has the nerve to leave you for another woman and then tell you about carving a goddamned pumpkin? WTF? Is that the kind of person you want to be married to? Really? I'm glad that you're looking past the pain to see that you are better off. Besides, if this was going to happen, aren't you relieved that it happened a few months into the marriage instead of years or decades? Aren't you glad that he left you when you're 24 instead of 34, or 44, or 54, etc.? He could have left you with 3 kids and middle-aged... instead he had the decency (I use the term loosely, I'm sure it had nothing to do with him being decent) to leave you with your whole life ahead of you. Thank God for that! I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it could have been so much worse. He's scum and he doesn't deserve you. **** that guy.
Too Much Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 So it has been a little over 2 months now since the break up. I haven't initiated any contact with him but he has messaged me acouple times. Him and his new GF are getting a place together at the end of this month and even went furniture shopping together. They even got a kitten (after months of me trying to talk him into us getting a kitten together). I'm so over it all. I don't even want him back if he ever does realize he was a complete ass for doing this to me. I just hope we're able to get an annulment and he can just be out of my life. I don't deserve to be treated the way he has treated me. I don't feel hate towards him anymore. I don't really feel anything anymore. I am starting to realize how toxic he was to me. He was controlling, he made me feel stupid, wouldn't let me handle any of the finances and wouldn't let me buy anything ever but he would buy whatever the hell he wanted to whenever he wanted, he would argue with me in the middle of the grocery store about stupid little things and make me cry... We may of had good times but he was also really horrible towards me and I do not deserve to be treated that way. I don't know what I was thinking even staying with him as long as I did. I guess I just thought I seen a good side to him. I am better off without him. I definitely learned from this experience. I just don't know if I will be able to trust another person ever again. These past 2 months have been hard on me but I am feeling stronger everyday and even though i'm lonely i'm happy that I have this freedom now. I am still young and have so much I want to accomplish in my life and now I don't have a stupid controlling guy in my life weighing me down anymore. Yes, he is scum. Good for you for getting over him so quickly.
goingstrong Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I don't feel hate towards him anymore. I don't really feel anything anymore. I am starting to realize how toxic he was to me. That sounds like you have truly gotten beyond him. Hate is not the opposite of love, quite the contrary...they are bedfellows, indifference is the opposite of hate.
Author miaowmiaow Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 My ex randomly messages me the other day telling me how depressed he is, telling me that him and the girl he left me for are fighting all the time and she has been lying to him constantly. I found it extremely funny and couldn't stop smiling, knowing that he is miserable now. Shows you right for dumping the best thing that ever happened to you! Hahaha.
BlindRage Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 My ex randomly messages me the other day telling me how depressed he is, telling me that him and the girl he left me for are fighting all the time and she has been lying to him constantly. I found it extremely funny and couldn't stop smiling, knowing that he is miserable now. Shows you right for dumping the best thing that ever happened to you! Hahaha. I wish my ex texted me that. I would tell her, "oh really? Good for you. -_-"
Duckduckgoose Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 What goes around comes around for your ex Maiow. You are too pretty and smart for a guy to treat you like that. You are gonna find a real man that appreciates you and won't do those kinds of things. My story is similar to yours, except my H(stbx?) isn't cheating. He just up and left. Only a coward leaves a relationship. Every day is really hard but I know it will get easier.
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I hope that is a picture of you with your new kitten! And that you continue to move on, and on, and on until this part of your life is safely and securely in the past. You will have a relationship ahead of you with a man who would never behave like your ex has done. Be grateful that you don't have to be with such a chump anymore.
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