Hopeful30 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 (edited) He has a kid he hasn't seen in years because his ex ran away with another guy. For me kids are a dealbreaker, and I have been honest with many men and told them this is not for me, they knew upfront and we parted ways before anyone could get hurt. The guy I am seeing now told me after I developed very strong feelings for him. I asked him numerous times upfront and told him why, but he hid it from me in fear that I will leave him. Now that I have feelings for him, I have a growing fear that one day his child will come back into his life (which will most likely happen). Its different when you meet a person who is already living with his child in his life. You can decide right then and there if you are okay with it. But when you have a relationship with somebody, and all of a sudden absolutely everything changes because a past kid comes back into their life, it's a different situation. And I don't know if I can live knowing that one day this might happen. Everything might change, and I don't now if I'm okay with that. People tell me to take my time, but I need to decide now before we get anymore involved. He might end up being the man for me, he might not. So far he has been the perfect man for me, which make it difficult to decide if I should take this risk and if it will be worth it. Should I stay or should I go? Edited October 24, 2010 by Hopeful30
denise_xo Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 He has a kid he hasn't seen in years because his ex ran away with another guy. For me kids are a dealbreaker, and I have been honest with many men and told them this is not for me, they knew upfront and we parted ways before anyone could get hurt. The guy I am seeing now told me after I developed very strong feelings for him. I asked him numerous times upfront and told him why, but he hid it from me in fear that I will leave him. Now that I have feelings for him, I have a growing fear that one day his child will come back into his life (which will most likely happen). Its different when you meet a person who is already living with his child in his life. You can decide right then and there if you are okay with it. But when you have a relationship with somebody, and all of a sudden absolutely everything changes because a past kid comes back into their life, it's a different situation. And I don't know if I can live knowing that one day this might happen. Everything might change, and I don't now if I'm okay with that. People tell me to take my time, but I need to decide now before we get anymore involved. He might end up being the man for me, he might not. So far he has been the perfect man for me, which make it difficult to decide if I should take this risk and if it will be worth it. Should I stay or should I go? Children are deal breakers for me, too, although I would be more tolerant of an SO's older child/children but am definitely not having any myself. Bottom line is that there is no compromise solution with children. On lots of other issues, you can meet half way (where to live, goals in life, how to deal with family, etc etc.). Children are an either/or thing. Seems to me you just have to ask yourself if this man is worth you changing your position on this...? But I would be just as if not more worried about the fact that he basically lied to you about it. That's a pretty big red flag to me - not only because he was (from how I read your post) blatantly lying to you but also basically denying the existence of his own child. Don't you find that a bit worrying?... In any case, good luck with making decisions
atlnay Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Should I stay or should I go? Before I give advice, is this the same boyfriend you posted about before? June 7th - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233971/ Is it wrong to continue this relationship? My current bf has a daughter. Eventually I will want kids of my own, but I don't want a blended family. June 16th - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t234931/ Why am I jealous of his daughters but not his sons? With my current bf, he has one daughter. But for some reason, I always feel resentful towards her, even though she is only 8 and has done nothing wrong. He spends less time with her than my ex did with his kids (due to custodial reasons) yet I still feel resentment towards his daughter. and October 10th - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t248923/ He is very inconsistent. Says he likes me, does sweet things for me, but on the other hand says things ive heard millions of times before. "I'm not like every other guy you've been with. Don't be scared. Why won't you kiss me." NOTE: Its been only 3 weeks, Ive seen him maybe 6-7 times total. Is the guy from June the same guy in October you've been seeing 3+ weeks?
Eeyore79 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Personally I would bail out of the relationship - firstly because he lied (red flag!) and secondly because I couldn't live with knowing that he had a child with some other woman, which would more than likely walk back into his life one day and cause problems. The other obvious question is: What sort of man is he if he doesn't even bother to see his own child? It's a HUGE red flag if he has basically disowned his own flesh and blood.
Str8noChaser Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Two issues: you explicitly said kids are a dealbreaker for you. Feelings can go away, this dealbreaker won't. Secondly, you said you asked him upfront. Multiple times. The fact you had to ask more than once means you had your doubts & he lied to you on something major. Do you want to keep dating a dealbreaker who lies to you?
LiveWell Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 OP, you asked "should I stay or should I go"? Obviously that depends on what your available options are. If you "go," then you will be single, unless you have another boyfriend waiting in the wings. So your real choice is which do you prefer: Being single for perhaps an indefinite period of time; or staying in a relationship with someone who has an issue that might cause problems down the road? Insisting that whoever you date not have children is of course your right. However the more dealbreakers you have, then the less people there will be for you to get into a relationship with. IMO there are lot of things worse in a SO than having children. YMMV.
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 Is the guy from June the same guy in October you've been seeing 3+ weeks? Wow I appreciate that you remembered!! No this is someone else Ive known him for 3 years but we have gotten close in the last few months. I didn't post about him cuz everything was perfect lol I had nothing to complain/ask about...until now.
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 (edited) You're all right, he lied to me and that's a big red flag. The only reason I don't take this into consideration is because he came clean. He came clean the day after we became official and he told me everything: why, when, what happened etc... As well, he isn't trying to convince me to stay. He told me to think about it, and whether or not I am okay with the situation. That he won't force me to do something I would be unhappy and uncomfortable with. Edited October 24, 2010 by Hopeful30
Eeyore79 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 You're all right, he lied to me and that's a big red flag.The only reason I don't take this into consideration is because he came clean. He still lied, even if he eventually came clean. As well, he isn't trying to convince me to stay. He told me to think about it, and whether or not I am okay with the situation. That he won't force me to do something I would be unhappy and uncomfortable with. He may not be trying to convince you to stay, but he's still being deceitful and manipulative. Instead of being truthful up front, he chose to lie to you until you were involved enough that you might be willing to accept something that you otherwise wouldn't. If you "go," then you will be single, unless you have another boyfriend waiting in the wings. You can't stay with one boyfriend just because you don't have another one lined up yet! If the relationship doesn't work, you should end it - stringing someone along just because you don't currently have any better options is cruel. So your real choice is which do you prefer: Being single for perhaps an indefinite period of time; or staying in a relationship with someone who has an issue that might cause problems down the road? Being single isn't exactly a death sentence - surely it's better to be single and looking for Mr Right than to be dating Mr Wrong and hurting both him and yourself? Mr Right will never find you if you're already taken!
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 He may not be trying to convince you to stay, but he's still being deceitful and manipulative. Instead of being truthful up front, he chose to lie to you until you were involved enough that you might be willing to accept something that you otherwise wouldn't. You are right, but I keep telling myself that he did it with good intention, and out of such a strong desire to be with me. I guess its true what they say, you believe what you want to believe, and see the ones you love the way you want to see them.
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