SunsetRed Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 My story of dating a separated man who went back to his wife is exactly the same as all the other stories from women who've gone through this. I'll spare all the details, but will say they were separated for 3 years and the divorce was in process, but as soon as she found out about me and realized she may not have full access to his money, she pulled the "mother of your child" card and he went back. Of course, like all the other separated men I've read about on these forums, he was crying, telling me he loved me and that one day he'd come back, yada yada. So, I'm still in pain and found this site on a google search last night. I read all the stories from women who've gone through this and the stories are all the same...the soon to be ex wife freaks when she realizes someone else is in the picture and wants him back. Mine went back due to $$ reasons he says and "the child" who is 16. So, my question is..has anyone had the separated bf come back to you with divorce papers in his hand? I don't plan on waiting for this to happen, but then again, they were physically separated for 3 years and haven't lived as man and wife for 6, he lived in the garage for 3 years before the separation. It sucks that separated men are such a high risk. With 50% of all marriages ending in divorce, you'd think that some of these men would be getting divorced.
Don Ho Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Sorry about your breakup. This is what happens when you date separated people. He can say it's for the $ or kid. Obviously he still has feelings for her and I think he was trying to let you down gently. I doubt he gave you the full, true story about her and his feelings about her. So he lied to you by omission. I wouldn't wait around for sure. Doesnt' matter that he left for his Ex wire, the fact is he left you. Move on and find another.
spice4life Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 My story of dating a separated man who went back to his wife is exactly the same as all the other stories from women who've gone through this. I'll spare all the details, but will say they were separated for 3 years and the divorce was in process, but as soon as she found out about me and realized she may not have full access to his money, she pulled the "mother of your child" card and he went back. Of course, like all the other separated men I've read about on these forums, he was crying, telling me he loved me and that one day he'd come back, yada yada. So, I'm still in pain and found this site on a google search last night. I read all the stories from women who've gone through this and the stories are all the same...the soon to be ex wife freaks when she realizes someone else is in the picture and wants him back. Mine went back due to $$ reasons he says and "the child" who is 16. So, my question is..has anyone had the separated bf come back to you with divorce papers in his hand? I don't plan on waiting for this to happen, but then again, they were physically separated for 3 years and haven't lived as man and wife for 6, he lived in the garage for 3 years before the separation. It sucks that separated men are such a high risk. With 50% of all marriages ending in divorce, you'd think that some of these men would be getting divorced. I wouldn't pin any hopes on him coming back. Live your life as if he isn't coming back. He made a choice and the best thing you can do is accept it, grieve it and try to move on. Don't stop your own life in the hopes that he will get divorced. He may not and then you will have wasted more of your own time waiting around for him. If he is serious about you then he will come looking for you once he is free.
Author SunsetRed Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 I do blame myself for anything I may have done to make him want to go back to her. Just before he went back he told me "My decision to go back to her isn't final, the ball is in your court." What was I supposed to do? Offer to let him live with me rent/utility free while he gave everything he had to his WIFE? We'd still have to hide our relationship from certain public places (he's military) until he's divorced and it didn't seem that the divorce would ever happen anyway. He says I "let him or gave him" back to her (her, being a WIFE). Well, what other self respecting option did I have? I'm not putting my life on hold. I'm doing things and meeting people. I am living as if he never existed, except that my heart still hurts and I wish I could stop blaming myself.
Don Ho Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 (edited) How can it be your fault that he still had feelings for her? It can't be. So he turns it on you and tries to make you the bad guy saying you sent him away. He's just doing that to make himself feel less guilty. Don't fall for that one. Edited October 24, 2010 by Don Ho
PegNosePete Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 This is what happens when you date separated people. Ouch! Sweeping generalization much? This is one of the risks when dating separated men... but certainly doesn't happen every time!
Don Ho Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Peg, you must be or have been separated. Like it or not, separated people are high risk when it comes to a relationship and the person getting involved should be extra careful if get involved at all. IMO, don't get involved in the first place.
PegNosePete Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I am separated pending divorce yeah, and can conclusively say that the chance of me getting back with my wife is absolutely zero. Another rule to which I am the exception??
Don Ho Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Maybe Bro. Not going back to an Ex is only one of the issues. You have to admit your emotions are probably all over the board. Would you recommend to your Sister that she gets involved with a guy like you right now?
PegNosePete Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 (edited) I don't see the difference between someone like me who has been separated for 3 months, and someone in an LTR who split up 3 months ago. I am called "separated" yet he is called "single". Emotionally we are no different. The only difference is a piece of paper with legal writing on it, and the burned remains of a wedding album. But anyway I don't think this is helping the OP much. The chance of this guy coming back to her is very low so Sunset, I would cut your losses and move on. Edited October 25, 2010 by PegNosePete
Author SunsetRed Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 OMG PegnosePete, thats what my guy said. He said he was the exception to the rule and that too much had been said and too much damage had been done for him to go back. What happened was, he ended up going overseas on a deployment and had planned on finalizing the divorce upon his return. Instead upon his return, the wife told him she'd lost her job and would lose the house if he didn't move back in and take over the bills. At least that's what he says...he says if the wife loses the house, then his kids lose the house. Ok, so he's taking care of his kids (who are 16 and 20) and thats a good thing. Still...there's too much for me to sort out so I am trying to move one. I think breaking up with a separated (ok, married) man is worse than getting a divorce. When I got my divorce, I was trying to lose a husband that I didn't want. Separated men do a good job of acting husband like to you, because duh, they are a husband. So when you lose the separated man, you are losing what seemed like a perfect husband as they go back and be someone else's real husband.
TLCbear Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I don't see the difference between someone like me who has been separated for 3 months, and someone in an LTR who split up 3 months ago. I am called "separated" yet he is called "single". Emotionally we are no different. The only difference is a piece of paper with legal writing on it, and the burned remains of a wedding album. I kind of have to agree with Don Ho on this one. It is a slight difference, maybe not in regards to emotion, but other areas, yes. In my opinion, LTRs are a little bit easier to walk away from than a marriage simply because you don't have a probation period or deal with the courts.
Don Ho Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 PegNose, I think both examples you give are ones single people should probably try to avoid. I do think a marriage (including it's "piece of paper") is probably more stressful on people and they may be more likely to return. Below those two examples I would add people that just got out of a relationship in the last six months that lasted at least a few years. No offense to you or separated people (they need love too ) but I think you'll admit you're probably a little mixed up or angry or emotionally unavailable (or all three). From my own dumping from a separated woman many years ago, I can say I recommend to others that they don't do it. BTW, she said she went back for the kids, when I knew it was for the $ and the nice house. Anyway, separated people are typically too problematic and there's too many risks to getting involved.
PegNosePete Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Yep I do admit I am mixed up and angry and emotionally unavailable, which is one reason I haven't pursued another relationship. But if my marriage had just been an LTR, I don't see how it would be any different. I would be just as mixed up, angry and emotionally unavailable. Sure I'd probably be a little less stressed and probably not have some b**** trying to scam £10,000 out of me, but I don't think that will affect my recovery time. I am rapidly approaching indifference, even regarding the money, easy come easy go. People go back to their spouse for the kids, for the money, for the house, the security, the familiarity, the sex, for love, for the carpets... but I've not seen any stories of people who went back just because they have a marriage certificate. An unmarried man who has kids, money, house, security, familiarity, sex, love and carpets is just as likely to go back to their ex, as a married one, IMO. It's not the marriage that draws him back, it's all those other things. Sunset - yep I'm sure that's what "they all" say! Some of them mean it (like me), and some don't (like yours). But, I'm sure they all say that too!!! I guess like so many other things in this world, the only way to prove it is through actions, not words. And I'll be here in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, to prove what I am saying is true
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