on a learning curve Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 It seems that the OW takes most of the blame for an affair. Spoken or not. As an OW, I have never wanted anything from my MM other than sex. Now, things are complicated, and I am in a bad spot. I want more, and he is content. Oh the irony...
2sunny Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 It seems that the OW takes most of the blame for an affair. Spoken or not. As an OW, I have never wanted anything from my MM other than sex. Now, things are complicated, and I am in a bad spot. I want more, and he is content. Oh the irony... he's content because he has everything he needs. YOU are the only one that can change this for YOU. YOU have choices. you can choose not to participate any more - knowing that you deserve more than what he is willing to offer to you. this will leave you space to find a man that is willing to give you more of what you are looking for - as long as the MM is there and taking up your time and energy (even mental energy) you're not likely to move forward to find what you need for happiness. he may try harder to get you back into position once you cut him off... just remember what's in YOUR best interest - not his.
Author on a learning curve Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 Thank you, 2sunny. I have read your words a few times. I do deserve more. Thank you.
pureinheart Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 It seems that the OW takes most of the blame for an affair. Spoken or not. As an OW, I have never wanted anything from my MM other than sex. Now, things are complicated, and I am in a bad spot. I want more, and he is content. Oh the irony... Now that you want more, the rules change...you hold the cards as to what you will accept and what you won't...your the shot caller gf!
turnstone Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 It seems that the OW takes most of the blame for an affair. Spoken or not. As an OW, I have never wanted anything from my MM other than sex. Now, things are complicated, and I am in a bad spot. I want more, and he is content. Oh the irony... Who do you think blames the OW? The BS? The WS? Other OW? Society in general? Do you feel blamed? Who by? Do you blame yourself? What does this have to do with you now wanting more from the MM?
desertIslandCactus Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 It seems that the OW takes most of the blame for an affair. Spoken or not. As an OW, I have never wanted anything from my MM other than sex. Now, things are complicated, and I am in a bad spot. I want more, and he is content. Oh the irony... So-called 'sex' is actually extreme intimacy, or the closest that the two can be. That's why intimacy is reserved for marriage.. .. It's only natural that at least one of the two, in this type of relationship would wish for it to go further or be more. As others have said, you should decide what you want. And I think you should give yourself a time frame for exit.
Kismetly Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I'm in a really similar situation. I was convinced that all I wanted was the sex and a casual, long distance relationship (and we were pretty good friends) - but I suspect that when you are intimate with someone over a period of time - particularly when that intimacy is good - it's just not possible to remain emotionally detached. When that happens, OWs like us are toast. If nothing else, 4 years after my divorce it's reminded me what an intimate relationship feels like and it's reminded me that I do want one of those again. Maybe that's what it was sent to me for. What can you take out of your relationship with MM? Will it be enough? Good luck. Good luck.
bentnotbroken Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 You are the villian....in your own life. Now depending on the ow, she may or may not be the villian in the triangle, but I believe the AP is the villian in their own lives, just as one doing anything that will cause pain to themselves in a situation is the villian.
woinlove Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 It seems that the OW takes most of the blame for an affair. Spoken or not. As an OW, I have never wanted anything from my MM other than sex. Now, things are complicated, and I am in a bad spot. I want more, and he is content. Oh the irony... I'm not sure what connection, if any, you imagine between the points you are making: (1) blaming OW and (2) ending up wanting more from a content MM. Is it that (2) causes you pain and so you should be viewed as a victim?
Author on a learning curve Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 Thank you everyone, for your comments. It means alot right now. As far as a connection between the two statements, lets just say that I shouldn't have a pity-party, drink two glasses of wine, and post my incoherent ramblings on LS. Though, it seems that MM is blaming me (in a sense) for now wanting more from our relationship. I have articulated my feelings to him, and he has become sullen, and almost angry with me. I told him that I can no longer continue our relationship and he is behaving like a child - claiming that I never cared about him, and that I am breaking HIS heart. It's all a bit too much.
woinlove Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Thank you everyone, for your comments. It means alot right now. As far as a connection between the two statements, lets just say that I shouldn't have a pity-party, drink two glasses of wine, and post my incoherent ramblings on LS. Though, it seems that MM is blaming me (in a sense) for now wanting more from our relationship. I have articulated my feelings to him, and he has become sullen, and almost angry with me. I told him that I can no longer continue our relationship and he is behaving like a child - claiming that I never cared about him, and that I am breaking HIS heart. It's all a bit too much. Yeah, MM are usually either too much or too little. Sounds like he's good at flipping things around for himself and I'm glad to see that you are on to him.
fooled once Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 So-called 'sex' is actually extreme intimacy, or the closest that the two can be. That's why intimacy is reserved for marriage.. .. It's only natural that at least one of the two, in this type of relationship would wish for it to go further or be more. As others have said, you should decide what you want. And I think you should give yourself a time frame for exit. and that's YOUR view. Not everyone believe that.
Author on a learning curve Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 Yeah, MM are usually either too much or too little. Sounds like he's good at flipping things around for himself and I'm glad to see that you are on to him. This is the first time I have seen this side of him. And, although I can appreciate him not wanting me to end things, I am a bit taken aback by his explicit disreguard of my feelings.
woinlove Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 This is the first time I have seen this side of him. And, although I can appreciate him not wanting me to end things, I am a bit taken aback by his explicit disreguard of my feelings. Well, I don't know your MM or your situation, but I would hazard a guess that the situation has been satisfying his needs, but you are now disrupting that - either by wanting more or ending things. Neither of these gives him what he wants. The status quo is what gives him what he wants. That's just my guess as to why this side came out.
Author on a learning curve Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 Well, I don't know your MM or your situation, but I would hazard a guess that the situation has been satisfying his needs, but you are now disrupting that - either by wanting more or ending things. Neither of these gives him what he wants. The status quo is what gives him what he wants. That's just my guess as to why this side came out. You're right. And, although I am very shaken by this, in a bittersweet way, I am glad that I saw this side of him.
Owl Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 You're right. And, although I am very shaken by this, in a bittersweet way, I am glad that I saw this side of him. Whyso? How has gaining this knowledge changed your plans/intentions/actions?
Author on a learning curve Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 Whyso? How has gaining this knowledge changed your plans/intentions/actions? I am taking a "mental day", today as my thoughts/emotions are all over the place, so I thank you for asking the question, Owl. MM and I have been emailing back and forth for the last hour or so. He refuses to acknowledge my feelings, and instead, reacts with anger, is crying victim status ("how can you just toss me aside like this?"), and is generally being selfish. I admit to feeling torn - part of me wants to comfort him (is that crazy, or what?), another part of me wants to shake him, yet another part of me wants to crawl into bed and avoid thinking at all. I know that I have to move forward. I'm not sure how to do that right now, but I know it is necessary. That doesn't really answer your question, but I am thinking about it.
donnamaybe Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 MM and I have been emailing back and forth for the last hour or so. He refuses to acknowledge my feelings, and instead, reacts with anger, is crying victim status ("how can you just toss me aside like this?"), and is generally being selfish. Victim of what?! What an arse! HE is the one getting the best of both worlds. If he's so worried about losing you, then he should do something about it. If he thinks he has some sort of divine right to a wife AND a mistress, then he'd better find a mistress who is content to remain JUST the mistress. Think of yourself and DUMP him.
Author on a learning curve Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 Victim of what?! What an arse! HE is the one getting the best of both worlds. If he's so worried about losing you, then he should do something about it. If he thinks he has some sort of divine right to a wife AND a mistress, then he'd better find a mistress who is content to remain JUST the mistress. Think of yourself and DUMP him. Thank you, Donna. Yes, he is getting the best of both worlds, and obviously doesn't wish to change that. I am hurt by his selfishness - his refusal to respect or even acknowledge my feelings. I feel like I've been hit by a truck.
donnamaybe Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Thank you, Donna. Yes, he is getting the best of both worlds, and obviously doesn't wish to change that. I am hurt by his selfishness - his refusal to respect or even acknowledge my feelings. I feel like I've been hit by a truck.Okay, and I know this will be difficult, but think about counting your blessings. What if his W had found out and kicked him out of the house? I bet he would have come running to you, and you might have wound up with him full time, completely unaware of this side of him. It would have eventually become a situation where his selfishness could have possibly hurt you in an even more major kind of way. At least, now that you know his true persona, you can move on and find a decent man without having suffered a financial setback or an even bigger hurt. Maybe you would have been with him and then he found another OW. Now THAT would have sucked the very LIFE out of you! You're right. The man has no consideration for how you feel or what you're going through. It's all about him and no one else.
Author on a learning curve Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 Okay, and I know this will be difficult, but think about counting your blessings. What if his W had found out and kicked him out of the house? I bet he would have come running to you, and you might have wound up with him full time, completely unaware of this side of him. It would have eventually become a situation where his selfishness could have possibly hurt you in an even more major kind of way. At least, now that you know his true persona, you can move on and find a decent man without having suffered a financial setback or an even bigger hurt. Maybe you would have been with him and then he found another OW. Now THAT would have sucked the very LIFE out of you! You're right. The man has no consideration for how you feel or what you're going through. It's all about him and no one else. Thing is Donna, his wife DID find out about the affair a few months back. I suspect now that he reacted to her in a similar fashion - blaming her for the A, and making her feel guilty. I feel sick just thinking about it.
donnamaybe Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Thing is Donna, his wife DID find out about the affair a few months back. I suspect now that he reacted to her in a similar fashion - blaming her for the A, and making her feel guilty. I feel sick just thinking about it.And you're probably 100% correct. If she is willing to keep him, just leave the self-indulgent prick to her. At least now you'll be free to allow a man worthy of your time to find you.
Author on a learning curve Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 And you're probably 100% correct. If she is willing to keep him, just leave the self-indulgent prick to her. At least now you'll be free to allow a man worthy of your time to find you. Thank you, Donna. For now, I am ignoring his emails, and I'm going to get my butt of the couch and pull myself together. Baby steps. Thank you for the encouragement
donnamaybe Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Thank you, Donna. For now, I am ignoring his emails, and I'm going to get my butt of the couch and pull myself together. Baby steps. Thank you for the encouragement Us gals gotta stick together! You have the right attitude. Get off the couch and make your life WONDERFUL!
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