runner87 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 PLEASE help me with this. I've been shy all my life, and I've never had too many friends. But the last few months I've forced myself to be more outgoing. However, people still don't respond to me and kind of seem indifferent to me. In fact, even when I try to be friendly/nice to people, they give me strange looks, and I've even heard some people say I'm "weird", although I don't know why (I don't talk about weird things; I try to focus on the other person and get to know them, but if they ask me about myself, I will respond and talk about myself). I try to have normal, pleasant conversations with people, but they're not interested. And at other times, with other people, when I try to push it a little further, I feel like I'm coming across as annoying from the looks I get from people. Even though I've become more outgoing, I never get invited anywhere, no one ever calls or texts me.... I just don't know what to do, and I'm so depressed. Does anyone know how to be outgoing without being annoying or weird?
shayan Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 hmmm, My question is do your conversations feel awkward? Do you have good posture, are you confident in yourself. Are you trying to please people? Are you able to be yourself and natural, or are you constantly thinking about what to say next? Often the things that make a conversation awkward is not the things we say, but the tone we use and the gestures and body language which accompany it. What you need is a family member or maybe a therapist or one of your close friends to monitor you in a conversation and see how you act. Eye contact and posture are very important, and comfort. When you are uncomfortable talking to someone it doesn't matter if you're talking about the most interesting thing in the world you will project that discomfort unto them and they'll want to get away, I think this may be your problem being that you've always been shy. please elaborate so I can help you, I am pretty good socially.
Leigh 87 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 hmmm, My question is do your conversations feel awkward? Do you have good posture, are you confident in yourself. Are you trying to please people? Are you able to be yourself and natural, or are you constantly thinking about what to say next? Often the things that make a conversation awkward is not the things we say, but the tone we use and the gestures and body language which accompany it. What you need is a family member or maybe a therapist or one of your close friends to monitor you in a conversation and see how you act. Eye contact and posture are very important, and comfort. When you are uncomfortable talking to someone it doesn't matter if you're talking about the most interesting thing in the world you will project that discomfort unto them and they'll want to get away, I think this may be your problem being that you've always been shy. please elaborate so I can help you, I am pretty good socially. Can you please help me too! I am also not able to make friends. At times, I knowingly get into phases where I KNOW I am not inthe right state to make friends. However, when I am in a normal mood and feel that I am talking normally to people, I have still yet to get friends. At times, I am very much in my own head, and my own issues cloud my vision, so that I am unable to project an image that is normal or approachable. However, I would like some advice on how to make betetr use of my normal moods, where I feel like I am comfolrtable enough withi myself, at that given time, to talk with people. Things like; what posture or position or tone or subject matters compell people to want to get to know you better? I know the common sense things, like making eye contact, and appearing interested in them and asking them questions, without talking too much about yourself. Although I would still like to hear from a socially apt person such as yourself, what are some of the qualities you like in people when you talk with them inpublic?
denise_xo Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I would recommend the book 'Presence' (UK)/ 'Second circle' (US) by Patsy Rodenburg - it puts the kind of issues you raise in a very different light and gives you practical tips for how to move forward.
shayan Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 hi leigh, Well for men a good posture is often an open legged assymetrical and relaxed one. For woman a crossed leg relaxed posture works, women are so beautiful (sorry for digressing). It's very important to be relaxed and not too uptight or formal. In terms of eye contact it's not good to constantly look for a long period at the person (unless you are feeling the passion), you should occasionally allow yourself to look away or atleast let your head be relaxed and move from time to time. Here is a good example of both postures and good eye contact, except for men allow your backs to lean backwards a little. http://www.corbisimages.com/Enlargement/42-21885647.html Next the most important thing is learning to talk naturally. This means going into conversation without any expectations and being just yourself. This is the hardest thing I feel most people have to overcome. Many people think that in order to have a succesful conversation the topics must be incredibly interesting. This is wrong! In fact this is incredibly self defeating because it puts a lot of pressure on yourself to be interesting and makes it harder to just be your self. And if you can't be yourself in a conversation well then it's not going to go far. I'm going to make a main post under friends and self improvement so you can continue reading there for more advice.
dispatch3d Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 You were introverted before and didn't talk to people very often. Now you're trying to expand your horizons, so to speak, and are finding you don't have the skills to talk to strangers. This shouldn't be that surprising. You are attempting things you haven't developed yet. The good news is it will get better with time. Avoid talking too much about someone else. It can make them feel uncomfortable. For girls they will assume you are hitting on them. It's best to find a common subject and talk about that subject. Preferably you want to hit a subject that both of you have an interest in. Figure out what the person likes/is passionate about and talk about that. You are putting wayyyy too much of your selfworth on other people. I generally couldn't care less if someone likes or dislikes me. Especially if I don't know them. That's way too much power to give them anyways. Just have a fun and interesting conversation and don't worry about there opinion. There are more people who dislike me than I dislike, and I'm very happy about that.
Author runner87 Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 hmmm, My question is do your conversations feel awkward? Do you have good posture, are you confident in yourself. Are you trying to please people? Are you able to be yourself and natural, or are you constantly thinking about what to say next? Often the things that make a conversation awkward is not the things we say, but the tone we use and the gestures and body language which accompany it. What you need is a family member or maybe a therapist or one of your close friends to monitor you in a conversation and see how you act. Eye contact and posture are very important, and comfort. When you are uncomfortable talking to someone it doesn't matter if you're talking about the most interesting thing in the world you will project that discomfort unto them and they'll want to get away, I think this may be your problem being that you've always been shy. please elaborate so I can help you, I am pretty good socially. I probably do come across as awkward in a lot of one-on-one conversations, because I'm not confident and have low self-esteem. The other day, I ran into a girl I used to go to high school with; we hadn't seen each other in two years. She said hi to me, we started talking, and I felt sooooo awkward (even though she was sweet and friendly and I've always considered her a friend); even though I asked her about her life now and what's been going on with her, and she did the same, I still felt anxious the whole time, wondering what I'd do if I ran out of things to say. And by the end of the conversation, I could sense she felt awkward, too--- because of me. I guess I should also note (in case I didn't in my original post) that there are a few people that I'm NOT awkward around, and I don't feel awkward around them even in the beginning; they just make me feel comfortable. And yet, even with these people, I have a hard time making friends (we're on friendly terms, and enjoy talking/hanging out at school or work, but they never invite me to do things). Maybe because they're so socially successful already that they already have too many friends and just see me as an acquaintance they don't have time to really befriend, I'm not sure. But this happens with just about everyone around whom I feel like I can be myself. I take care of my hygiene, I dress nicely, I work out and run, and I've been told a lot that I'm an attractive guy (even though I don't see it). So I can't really blame my poor social success on not taking care of myself physically; it's got to have something to do with my personality. As for the body language you mentioned, I do have poor body language, and sometimes I have trouble making eye contact. But at times, even when I do okay with eye contact, I still feel like people think I'm weird or annoying. Even in my classes at school, I feel like everyone sits on the other side of the room, or they all talk with each other and joke around, but no one talks to me. It sucks.
Author runner87 Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 At times, I am very much in my own head, and my own issues cloud my vision, so that I am unable to project an image that is normal or approachable. Leigh, I have this problem too! Where I get so deeply involved in my own thoughts that I wonder if maybe that makes me seem unapproachable to other people.
Truthseeker-John Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 (edited) Runner, you try too hard. If they want you to be friends, it will be a two way. Meet people where they are and relax. Another thing: because you are shy you sometimes avoid eye contact and that can make people think that you are not really interested in them. Don't worry about it too much. Keep practicing and it will get easier. Edited October 25, 2010 by Truthseeker-John
shayan Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 read my main post making new friends it'll help
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