Titania22 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Sorry, one thing I should clarify...not that it makes a whole lot of difference...is that he was in the hottub with his guy friends and she got in there with them after they were already in there and cozied up to him. I started to get really upset by the nature of their conversation so I went in the house and joined others in there. There are now pics on facebook of the two of them in the hottub, him rubbing her shoulders and staring longingly at her (at looking very drunk, which he was). Might I add that his MOTHER was at the party!? Inside with me though when the hottubbing occurred. He is a very overly affection person to everyone, he loves the attention. He calls every one babe and love and darling, gives everyone hugs and shoulder rubs. I've been able to deal with that part, but it's the nature of the secret texts and calls that has me wondering. Now I am thinking that it's just his personality, and alcohol decreases inhibitions.. I am not justifying his actions, but it seems that it is all part of the package deal that comes with him. The text messages also go along nicely with the rest of the behaviour. I think he really does love you and your child, but he is who he is, and if he changed that, sooner or later he would probably not be as happy anymore.
Titania22 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I also feel you would be much happier if you hadn't looked at his phone. People need space. They need to be able to be different people in different settings. My last boyfriend used to get jelous and jump to conclusions if my phone rang and it was a text from a guys name. But all it was was junk text messaging I didn't know how to stop. Of course this rattled around inside him, causing problems. But it was all in his head. Now I get that in your case it's texting back and forth, but texts, like facebook updates, mean essentially nothing in the real world.
Author Heartache Lives On Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 Now I am thinking that it's just his personality, and alcohol decreases inhibitions.. I am not justifying his actions, but it seems that it is all part of the package deal that comes with him. The text messages also go along nicely with the rest of the behaviour. I think he really does love you and your child, but he is who he is, and if he changed that, sooner or later he would probably not be as happy anymore. Hmmm, so you think he's just the kind of person who texts women that he wants them to sit on his lap and when they don't oblige he says "your loss"? And does that just for the feel good attention? And if I said I'm not cool with that type of communication...and if he stopped...he wouldn't be happy anymore? I see what you might be saying, but if that's the case, I don't know that I want to be with that kind of person. Because what I need is to be with someone who respects me and loves me enough that I am the only one who gets that kind of attention from them. Is that unreasonable?
Titania22 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Hmmm, so you think he's just the kind of person who texts women that he wants them to sit on his lap and when they don't oblige he says "your loss"? And does that just for the feel good attention? And if I said I'm not cool with that type of communication...and if he stopped...he wouldn't be happy anymore? I see what you might be saying, but if that's the case, I don't know that I want to be with that kind of person. Because what I need is to be with someone who respects me and loves me enough that I am the only one who gets that kind of attention from them. Is that unreasonable? There are lines and extremes. I think you should talk to him, and work out where the line is. And yes, he could be that type of person, and not understand the difference between what is acceptable to you and what isn't. And yes you deserve to be with someone whose way of being is in allignment with what you feel comfortable with.
Author Heartache Lives On Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 I also feel you would be much happier if you hadn't looked at his phone. People need space. They need to be able to be different people in different settings. My last boyfriend used to get jelous and jump to conclusions if my phone rang and it was a text from a guys name. But all it was was junk text messaging I didn't know how to stop. Of course this rattled around inside him, causing problems. But it was all in his head. Now I get that in your case it's texting back and forth, but texts, like facebook updates, mean essentially nothing in the real world. Oh, I know! I'd be much happier if I didn't know what I do, and if I could have a clear conscience, which I now don't. It was the gut feeling that something was up. And the sexual nature of their texts (and xos and is there anything I can dos, etc).
yah Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Thanks for the advice, and feel free to laugh at me. I have been hurt very badly before, and my daughter too. Sometimes I wonder whether to just get out of a relationship and stay out of a relationship to avoid any pain that comes along with it, you know? I was not laughing at you. I was saying that, here you are worrying about everything, and he doesn't even know it. He won't know what you are feeling, and how to make you feel better, unless you tell him. My advice was: talk to him and be honest. Feel free to do otherwise. Lastly, I'm sorry you and your daughter was hurt previously.
Titania22 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Oh, I know! I'd be much happier if I didn't know what I do, and if I could have a clear conscience, which I now don't. It was the gut feeling that something was up. And the sexual nature of their texts (and xos and is there anything I can dos, etc). Well in my case, I loved my boyfriend with my whole heart, I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together, he left me, and I have been single for the last 3yrs. I know it has nothing to do with your man, but it shows in my case, that his suspicions were unfounded and brought unecessary strain on the relationship.
Hopeful30 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Leave him. You do realize he is exaggerating the "I love you"s and the "You're the best"s because he feels guilty right? Its bad that you snooped, but its good that you followed your gut. Cut things before you and your daughter both get attached and hurt. Next time, just ask and go with your gut. You don't need to snoop through his phone, because judging by how he was ignoring you when she is present, tells it all. I wish you all the best I hope things go smoothly.
TaurusTerp Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I'm going to go against everyone else and say he hasn't done anything wrong. He flirts with other women and is close with this particular woman that you dislike. If you hadn't seen that text (which, in reality, is rather innocent flirting - I send raunchier texts like that to friends all the time), you wouldn't really have a case for cheating. That said, you clearly need to work out boundaries. Talk to him, tell him what you want him to stop doing, and go from there.
LiveWell Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I don't, that's my problem! How can I ever have a secure, lasting relationship if I can't trust anyone, or even myself! I mean, I'm untrustworthy too...I snooped! ****e. By the way...my ex fiance was a skydiver. He sure was a prick! I think he's cheating on you. As to how you can ever trust anyone? Maybe you need to start changing how you pick men. Avoid the exciting/alpha/"skydiver" types (sorry about that skydiver dude, nothing personal); go for dull/boring/responsible/reliable. Then once you got the dull reliable guy, it's up to you to figure out a way to "sex him up" but only for YOU. Now dull guy is still capable of cheating but there's a lot more risk for him as opposed to alpha/playboy who assumes he can get lots of women.
yoga18 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I'm going to go against everyone else and say he hasn't done anything wrong. He flirts with other women and is close with this particular woman that you dislike. If you hadn't seen that text (which, in reality, is rather innocent flirting - I send raunchier texts like that to friends all the time), you wouldn't really have a case for cheating. That said, you clearly need to work out boundaries. Talk to him, tell him what you want him to stop doing, and go from there. The guy I am dating had the same type of flirty messages with a girl he used to mess around with. I told him the boundaries I needed and he's managed to respect that. So V the butt can send her little messages now about how she wants to be cuddled and have her hair played with and he says to her back "hey did you see the new Dexter?, it was a good one....she finally got the hint to!
LiveWell Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Oh dear. I appreciate all of your quick responses very much, but am still confused about what to do. I mean, I actually don't doubt that he loves me! At a minimum he's hedging his bets with hottub chick. If he hasn't already boned her, he sure as heck is open to the possibility. He is here pretty much every night unless I tell him not to come over. That has no bearing on whether or not he's cheating/wants to cheat/would cheat if the opportunity arose. Plenty of men are perfectly happy remaining in the primary relationship and having various flings on the side in addition. It keeps life interesting (or so I am led to believe by those who indulge in this behavior). He tells my daughter now that he loves her, and to break her heart again will be the biggest killer. I think it's very lowly that he told your daughter this, I think it's a manipulation tactic. If this dude really love your daughter then he would NEVER do anything which might even possibly hurt her mother--such as heavy flirtation (or more) with hottub skank. I doubt that he has physically been with anyone else at this point (though I really have no clue), but it seems that he still finds the need to give and get attention from others to make himself feel good...and shouldn't I be enough to make him feel that way if he truly loves me? Don't I deserve that much respect. I already know the answer to that...yes, I do. Yes the answer is obvious, you have to "next" this guy, sooner or later, or you and your daughter are going to be hurt, IMO. But what I don't know about is whether to just say to him, look, I feel like I can't trust you and never will, goodbye....or tell him what I did and what I found and goodbye...or tell him what I did and what I found and see if, 1) he leaves ME because of MY betrayal, or 2) he tries to tell me he'll make up for it somehow and earn my trust... All you need to say is to quietly and calmly confront him, just the two of you, and say: "I know you have been cheating on me. Don't try to deny it. I'm not going to tell you my sources. But if you're truthful with me and tell me everything, right now, then maybe we can work things out."
TaurusTerp Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 LiveWell, you are too cynical to be giving out advice. Not everybody on earth is evil.
LiveWell Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 LiveWell, you are too cynical to be giving out advice. Not everybody on earth is evil. I prefer being perceived as "cynical" rather than as "apologist for bad behavior."
painfullyobvious Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 The relationship is in trouble if you feel the need to snoop.
Gallaxia Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Sounds like your guy has difficulty with boundaries. Even if you do continue to pursue a relationship with him, will this other woman always be a part of the whole picture? Constantly "testing/provoking" you, "protecting" him, etc.? That's interference and an unhealthy dynamic for all. Especially for you, with a child. You deserve someone who'll devote their full attention (through ACTIONS & consideration) to you and your child, not "jokingly" throw sexual innuendos, propositioning others & hot tubbin' it up. If it's a struggle before marriage, guess what happens after...? There's no magical wand at the altar. Cut your losses before you become too attached.
dispatch3d Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I trust no one at all. Do that, and you will always have peace of mind. gotta give trust to get trust. I have flirtyish conversations with girls i'm friends with as well. It could just be that he's a flirty guy and talks like that normally. I'd still be a little concerned he said something like "You can sit on my lap". Kinda weird. Him "ignoring" you while he went in the hottub is a perception you have. Just discuss with him your issues with this girl rather than letting it fester, or taking some kind of stance like you can't see her..... which probably wouldn't work too well, they have been friends for a while (from what I can tell)....
tami-chan Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Were you invited to the "fajita dinner"? I think you need to tell your BF what bothers you. It does not matter if they were friends first, you are in his life now and he loves you and you love him and you have a relationship. Set up boundaries, if you can't agree, well....next! I do not mean that to be flippant but really, why continue to suffer?
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