I was bad and snooped...what I found is not good.

[Heartache Lives On]

So

...I did exactly what I never thought I would do in a relationship again...snooped because of my trust issues. I have never had it easy when it comes to love. Was in a few long term relationships and then blindsided when they unexpectedly left for another woman or whatever.

 

I have been in a new relationship for alomost 9 months. I didn't want to let myself fall again, but I did. At 5 months in I introduced him to my daughter and at 6 months we confessed our love for each other.

 

About a month ago I started getting a bad feeling in my gut, like he may have been hiding things or deceiving me. We were supposed to get together with a group of people that weekend and he suddenly cancelled plans and another woman who was invited cancelled at the same time and I got a sick feeling that they were going to be together. This woman and her husband had been friends with my man for a few years. Her husband died at the end of May (awful, I know!).

 

Anyway, because my gut feelings were driving me mad, instead of confronting him, I did what I know is bad, and looked at his phone. Sure enough, that night they had called and texted each other. That didn't confirm anything for me for sure, but made me suspicious.

So

I have continued to check his phone.

 

Here's the thing. He is constantly reassuring me that he loves me, I'

m

beautiful, I'

m

amazing, blah blah. HOWEVER, last weekend we went to a party that she was at. As soon as she arrived he paid no attention to me and was attentive to her. At one point she approached me and told me that she has never talked to any of his past girlfriends. That she is like the "protective older sister" who likes to make his girlfriends squirm

so

she can weed out the bad ones. Then the two of them got in to the hottub together and basically ignored me the whole night. Nice.

 

Since then again he's showering me with the I love you

so

much, you're amazing, I can't wait for a future with you. But I looked at his phone again and there is a series of msgs from two days ago where she is inviting him over for fajitas, he says "Only if u sit on my lap" and she says "Ha, nice try" and he says "Yeah well, Your loss." And then proceeds to text me that he loves me later in the night.

 

So

, I've violated his trust by snooping in his private belongings. But my fears have been somewhat confirmed that I don't think I can trust him.

 

ANY ADVICE?? I need to figure out what to do to confront this.

[hearttobreak]

Once the circle of trust is violated, its hard to get it back. If he's already cheating on you now, its better to find out now then let it boil over to something bigger. I always say, go with the gut. When I go against my gut feeling, its usually the wrong one. If you want to find out more, confront him about it, however, chances are, once he finds out you checked his phone, he will have a blank look on his face. Then try to change the subject or just storm out and leave. Its a catch 22 dear.

[GooseChaser]

Why didn't you get in the hot tub with them? At least when he mentioned her sitting on his lap, she said, "Nice try." That's a good thing. The exchanges don't reflect well on your boyfriend, though.

[skydiveaddict]

I trust no one at all. Do that, and you will always have peace of mind.

[Heartache Lives On]

Why didn't you get in the hot tub with them? At least when he mentioned her sitting on his lap, she said, "Nice try." That's a good thing. The exchanges don't reflect well on your boyfriend, though.

 

Well, I didn't get in the hottub because it was freezing out and I did not bring a suit and she was over there discussing her implants and being the brassy arrogant person she is. Any time she's been around me she's tried to almost bully or intimidate me and then hang off of him. The same night another girl was in tears because of the way this woman treated her! And we are all grown adults!

[Heartache Lives On]

I trust no one at all. Do that, and you will always have peace of mind.

 

I don't, that's my problem! How can I ever have a secure, lasting relationship if I can't trust anyone, or even myself! I mean, I'm untrustworthy too...I snooped! ****e.

 

By the way...my ex fiance was a skydiver. He sure was a prick!

[GooseChaser]

Well, I didn't get in the hottub because it was freezing out and I did not bring a suit and she was over there discussing her implants and being the brassy arrogant person she is. Any time she's been around me she's tried to almost bully or intimidate me and then hang off of him. The same night another girl was in tears because of the way this woman treated her! And we are all grown adults!

And your boyfriend just lets her do that? You deserve better! If I were you, I'd find a new boyfriend!

[skydiveaddict]

I don't, that's my problem! How can I ever have a secure, lasting relationship if I can't trust anyone, or even myself! I mean, I'm untrustworthy too...I snooped! ****e.

 

By the way...my ex fiance was a skydiver. He sure was a prick!

 

 

 

Thanks alot. Not all of us are pricks.

As for the relationship aspect, you can't have a secure lasting relationship without trust. That's why I don't have one and never will.

 

But odd as it sounds, just because I trust no one, doesn't mean I can't be trusted. I would never betray anyone's trust.It's just not part of who I am

[Titania22]

About a month ago I started getting a bad feeling in my gut, like he may have been hiding things or deceiving me. We were supposed to get together with a group of people that weekend and he suddenly cancelled plans and another woman who was invited cancelled at the same time and I got a sick feeling that they were going to be together. This woman and her husband had been friends with my man for a few years. Her husband died at the end of May (awful, I know!).

 

 

The thing is, you have been fighting your urges to snoop, so good on you. But you got a really bad feeling in your gut, that's your intuition. So you listened to it and that's good. Obviously it is always hard to tell when you are doing something complusive or following your intuition when they overlap. But from what you have said, it sounds like he has a big crush, and she is encouraging it. I think in this instance your intuition wanted you to see that.

 

So good on you for listened.

[yoga18]

So

...I did exactly what I never thought I would do in a relationship again...snooped because of my trust issues. I have never had it easy when it comes to love. Was in a few long term relationships and then blindsided when they unexpectedly left for another woman or whatever.

 

I have been in a new relationship for alomost 9 months. I didn't want to let myself fall again, but I did. At 5 months in I introduced him to my daughter and at 6 months we confessed our love for each other.

 

About a month ago I started getting a bad feeling in my gut, like he may have been hiding things or deceiving me. We were supposed to get together with a group of people that weekend and he suddenly cancelled plans and another woman who was invited cancelled at the same time and I got a sick feeling that they were going to be together. This woman and her husband had been friends with my man for a few years. Her husband died at the end of May (awful, I know!).

 

Anyway, because my gut feelings were driving me mad, instead of confronting him, I did what I know is bad, and looked at his phone. Sure enough, that night they had called and texted each other. That didn't confirm anything for me for sure, but made me suspicious.

So

I have continued to check his phone.

 

Here's the thing. He is constantly reassuring me that he loves me, I'

m

beautiful, I'

m

amazing, blah blah. HOWEVER, last weekend we went to a party that she was at. As soon as she arrived he paid no attention to me and was attentive to her. At one point she approached me and told me that she has never talked to any of his past girlfriends. That she is like the "protective older sister" who likes to make his girlfriends squirm

so

she can weed out the bad ones. Then the two of them got in to the hottub together and basically ignored me the whole night. Nice.

 

Since then again he's showering me with the I love you

so

much, you're amazing, I can't wait for a future with you. But I looked at his phone again and there is a series of msgs from two days ago where she is inviting him over for fajitas, he says "Only if u sit on my lap" and she says "Ha, nice try" and he says "Yeah well, Your loss." And then proceeds to text me that he loves me later in the night.

 

So

, I've violated his trust by snooping in his private belongings. But my fears have been somewhat confirmed that I don't think I can trust him.

 

ANY ADVICE?? I need to figure out what to do to confront this.

 

Ok its not totally bad....there are parts of this that are sooooo me! I have trust issues because my ex husband cheated. Ok yea I went through my new guys phone, looked at all kinds of stuff not proud of it in the least but I did and I can't change that. Here's what I did do...I told him the truth he wasn't happy but he also saw my point and how his actions were not ok. We worked through our issues and we are so much better. Ok so when I see his phone sitting around I do get the urge to grab it but I don't. I have separated what my ridiculous husband did from the guy I have now. No relationship is perfect but I will say my guy deserves to be trusted and I'm going to try to do that...trust it is so hard but I'm going to try. Will it hurt like hell if he hurts me yes but at least I will know I'm alive. You need to talk with him if he's a good guy yea ok he might get pissed but if you have a good argument to back yourself up then he might calm down enough to hear what you have to say....good luck

[Titania22]

Thanks alot. Not all of us are pricks.

As for the relationship aspect, you can't have a secure lasting relationship without trust. That's why I don't have one and never will.

 

But odd as it sounds, just because I trust no one, doesn't mean I can't be trusted. I would never betray anyone's trust.It's just not part of who I am

 

That's great. I know what you mean, as I also live by my own personal code of ethics. But I don't expect anyone else to. I live and make choices based on being the person I want to be, and have no expectations as to the mavements and behaviour of others.

[yah]

They just have a flirty relationship. They've been friends for years, you came into the picture just a few months ago. This is a classic case of someone being worried about their SO and their opposite-sex close friend.

 

You are asking if their relationship is appropriate. Did her husband think it was OK? I think it is suspicious only if the dynamics of their friendship changed after his passing. Regardless, if you are not OK with it, express your feelings to him. Just remember that if she is his close friend, he's probably been through more with her than you, and there must be a very good reason he is still friends with her. If he hasn't given you reason to worry before, then give her the benefit of doubt and try to see if you can stand/befriend her. If they both exclude you from having a relationship with her, then you know for sure what's going on.

[Scott4]

Their behavior is inappropriate. I am curious if she is messing with you or testing you in some way. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself for snooping. If he wants to spend his life with you, he shouldn't be hiding things.

[skydiveaddict]

Their behavior is inappropriate. I am curious if she is messing with you or testing you in some way. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself for snooping. If he wants to spend his life with you, he shouldn't be hiding things.

 

 

In other words, she can't trust him.

[eerie_reverie]

I personally would dump him. That is so sketchy.

 

I think the reason they haven't hooked up is because she doesn't want to.

[GooseChaser]

Well, I didn't get in the hottub because it was freezing out and I did not bring a suit and she was over there discussing her implants and being the brassy arrogant person she is. Any time she's been around me she's tried to almost bully or intimidate me and then hang off of him. The same night another girl was in tears because of the way this woman treated her! And we are all grown adults!

They might be really close friends, but he should stand by you, not let her "hang off of him". Red flag, in my opinion.

[GooseChaser]

To add to that, if anything like the hot tub incident happens again, please, join them! Remember that you are his girlfriend, not her, and you can do that and make sure that everyone knows it! If he treats you badly or ignores you, you always have the option of dropping him and finding someone else.

[Heartache Lives On]

Oh dear. I appreciate all of your quick responses very much, but am still confused about what to do. I mean, I actually don't doubt that he loves me! He is here pretty much every night unless I tell him not to come over. He tells my daughter now that he loves her, and to break her heart again will be the biggest killer. I doubt that he has physically been with anyone else at this point (though I really have no clue), but it seems that he still finds the need to give and get attention from others to make himself feel good...and shouldn't I be enough to make him feel that way if he truly loves me? Don't I deserve that much respect. I already know the answer to that...yes, I do.

 

But what I don't know about is whether to just say to him, look, I feel like I can't trust you and never will, goodbye....or tell him what I did and what I found and goodbye...or tell him what I did and what I found and see if, 1) he leaves ME because of MY betrayal, or 2) he tries to tell me he'll make up for it somehow and earn my trust...

[GooseChaser]

It would be a good idea to have a talk with him and work things out through that. Communication and honesty is really important.

[Heartache Lives On]

It would be a good idea to have a talk with him and work things out through that. Communication and honesty is really important.

 

I absolutely agree and have obviously not mastered communication. Do you think I should come out and tell him what I did and found?

[BobSacamento]

He says all the right things but when it comes right down to it, how much is that really worth?

[Titania22]

but it seems that he still finds the need to give and get attention from others to make himself feel good

 

Just a point. Some people DO need to give and get attention from many different people to feel good.

[yah]

But what I don't know about is whether to just say to him, look, I feel like I can't trust you and never will, goodbye....or tell him what I did and what I found and goodbye...or tell him what I did and what I found and see if, 1) he leaves ME because of MY betrayal, or 2) he tries to tell me he'll make up for it somehow and earn my trust...

 

Unless you have spoken to him about this issue and it has not been solved, why would you break it off with him?? Good grief. I'd feel sorry for that guy. I can imagine him telling someone, "You know, I was dating this girl for awhile, and things were getting serious between us, until OUT OF THE BLUE she dumps me!! WTF. She said I was hanging out with Jane too much and it was inappropriate. Well, how the f* was I supposed to know if she never brought it up? Women!" Sorry, I just have to laugh at that thought..

 

You need to bring it up to his attention. At this point, you don't even have to reveal you snooped. Cite those instances where you felt uncomfortable around them. See what he says. Watch for changes. If you see none, THEN its time to say goodbye.

[Heartache Lives On]

Sorry, one thing I should clarify...not that it makes a whole lot of difference...is that he was in the hottub with his guy friends and she got in there with them after they were already in there and cozied up to him. I started to get really upset by the nature of their conversation

so

I went in the house and joined others in there. There are now pics on facebook of the two of them in the hottub, him rubbing her shoulders and staring longingly at her (at looking very drunk, which he was). Might I add that his MOTHER was at the party!? Inside with me though when the hottubbing occurred. He is a very overly affection person to everyone, he loves the attention. He calls every one babe and love and darling, gives everyone hugs and shoulder rubs. I've been able to deal with that part, but it's the nature of the secret texts and calls that has me wondering.

[Heartache Lives On]

Unless you have spoken to him about this issue and it has not been solved, why would you break it off with him?? Good grief. I'd feel sorry for that guy. I can imagine him telling someone, "You know, I was dating this girl for awhile, and things were getting serious between us, until OUT OF THE BLUE she dumps me!! WTF. She said I was hanging out with Jane too much and it was inappropriate. Well, how the f* was I supposed to know if she never brought it up? Women!" Sorry, I just have to laugh at that thought..

 

You need to bring it up to his attention. At this point, you don't even have to reveal you snooped. Cite those instances where you felt uncomfortable around them. See what he says. Watch for changes. If you see none, THEN its time to say goodbye.

 

Thanks for the advice, and feel free to laugh at me. I have been hurt very badly before, and my daughter too. Sometimes I wonder whether to just get out of a relationship and stay out of a relationship to avoid any pain that comes along with it, you know?