How Often

[stoploss11]

How Often do they promise they are leaving their SO?

 

How long did it take for them to start saying things like that?

 

I ask because, she is not married but still lives w her abusive babys father. I heard heard before we were together tellig other people that she would never marry him anad was trying to find a way to leave. I think its part fear and part financial security he provides.

 

We've been apart for 7 weeks and NC for 2 weeks.

[fooled once]

How Often do they promise they are leaving their SO?

 

How long did it take for them to start saying things like that?

 

I ask because, she is not married but still lives w her abusive babys father. I heard heard before we were together tellig other people that she would never marry him anad was trying to find a way to leave. I think its part fear and part financial security he provides.

 

We've been apart for 7 weeks and NC for 2 weeks.

 

In my case, he said it from day 1. He actually moved into his own place for a year too. After 2 years of his promises, I left. As far as I know, they are still together. Have no idea, haven't heard from him in probably 8-10 years.

 

Don't wait on her to leave. Move on with your life. Words mean nothing - actions mean everything.

[KarmasTestDummy]

If he's abusive to her it could take longer depending on how strong of a woman she is. Those relationships are addicting because of her low self worth and feeling like she has nothing better. There's a whole other handbook on them. It takes an average 5 attempts at leaving before there's enough strength to stay gone. On top of his threats to probably make her life hell or try to steal her kid, etc. If you want her you will have to be her prince charming to swoop in and rescue her from the life she's accustomed to. You'd have to provide her security, a place to go, etc. And then you may spend months trying to prove to her you love an respect her because she's not used to kindness, it will feel fake. It's a lot of work.

[stoploss11]

If he's abusive to her it could take longer depending on how strong of a woman she is. Those relationships are addicting because of her low self worth and feeling like she has nothing better. There's a whole other handbook on them. It takes an average 5 attempts at leaving before there's enough strength to stay gone. On top of his threats to probably make her life hell or try to steal her kid, etc. If you want her you will have to be her prince charming to swoop in and rescue her from the life she's accustomed to. You'd have to provide her security, a place to go, etc. And then you may spend months trying to prove to her you love an respect her because she's not used to kindness, it will feel fake. It's a lot of work.

 

WOW. So spot on. She has all the surface confidence in the world but really feels worthless. Its a shame. He ahs threatened her also threatened her with taking the kid.

[pureinheart]

How Often do they promise they are leaving their SO?

 

How long did it take for them to start saying things like that?

 

I ask because, she is not married but still lives w her abusive babys father. I heard heard before we were together tellig other people that she would never marry him anad was trying to find a way to leave. I think its part fear and part financial security he provides.

 

We've been apart for 7 weeks and NC for 2 weeks.

 

It's anybodies guess what she will do, she could surprise you and really be done...I did when noone thought I would, I quit smoking also and nobody believed it..anything is possible.

 

ExDM never once said he would leave, even he didn't think he could.

[KarmasTestDummy]

WOW. So spot on. She has all the surface confidence in the world but really feels worthless. Its a shame. He ahs threatened her also threatened her with taking the kid.

 

Exactly, but if you can convince her he's merely trying to intimidate her then there's hope. He will say whatever works, but if she can leave and stop giving him the power to control her then he will back off or try to get her back with kindness. The best thing you can do is treat her like an absolute princess. Make her feel like you will stand by her through it all and that you would never let anything happen to her or her child....and then back it up time and time again even when she tries to push you away because she won't think she deserves someone like you. Good luck. Ive been the abused woman. It took me 10 years to leave despite knowing all along I would never be with him forever. I was like her...always said I would never marry him..then he talked me into it after I got a good job and he needed the health insurance. These men can convince women to do anything. They are master manipulators and can turn her from angry to begging him to stay in 5 minutes just by apologizing, promising to never hurt her again and promising to get help at whatever cost.

[East7]

I ask because, she is not married but still lives w her abusive babys father. I heard heard before we were together tellig other people that she would never marry him anad was trying to find a way to leave. I think its part fear and part financial security he provides.

.

 

This kind of woman will deceit you. If she had a high self-esteem, she would have quited long time. But she doesn't, she is dependent and insecure. She has not known anything better than being treating like a cr@p and she must like that !

She will like your gentleman ways and probably fall for you but she will be back and forth to the abusive man and she will break your heart with deceit.

[BB07]

This kind of woman will deceit you. If she had a high self-esteem, she would have quited long time. But she doesn't, she is dependent and insecure. She has not known anything better than being treating like a cr@p and she must like that !

She will like your gentleman ways and probably fall for you but she will be back and forth to the abusive man and she will break your heart with deceit.

 

It's clear you know little about abused women......and I find your post offensive and ignorant and I especially find your comment saying that she likes it that way incredibly offensive. :mad:

[East7]

It's clear you know little about abused women......and I find your post offensive and ignorant and I especially find your comment saying that she likes it that way incredibly offensive. :mad:

 

I don't think you put yourself in this category (abused woman), but if yes, I feel for you.

 

I maintain ALL I said - I have known women which are being treated bad and that stay addicted to their abusive men. It's the ugly truth - sorry if you don't like it.

[Confused4Now]

It's clear you know little about abused women......and I find your post offensive and ignorant and I especially find your comment saying that she likes it that way incredibly offensive. :mad:

Clearly he doesn't know what he's talking about. Living in a marriage of a abusive wife and my xMW husband was abusive...I know first hand what abuse is and its not easy getting out. I didn't even love my wife and it took me 21 years to get out.

[BB07]

I don't think you put yourself in this category (abused woman), but if yes, I feel for you.

 

I maintain ALL I said - I have known women which are being treated bad and that stay addicted to their abusive men. It's the ugly truth - sorry if you don't like it.

 

No I didn't put myself in that category and don't assume I did.

 

Your choice of words used in the prior post was offensive but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt if English is not your primary language. Is it?

[seren]

I don't think you put yourself in this category (abused woman), but if yes, I feel for you.

 

I maintain ALL I said - I have known women which are being treated bad and that stay addicted to their abusive men. It's the ugly truth - sorry if you don't like it.

 

East, women who have been abused don't become addicted to abuse, rather that years of abuse have a drip, drip effect. The abuser gradually breaks down the self esteem of the abused person, making them feel they aren't deserving of anything other than an abusive relationship. Mix that in the fear, low self esteem and disempowerment and it makes for a very, dangerous and damaging relationship. The person who is abused isn't addicted to the abuse, more like conditioned to feel they aren't able or good enough to expect any other behaviour.

 

Finally, when they muster up the courage to admit that they are being abused, they take steps to remove themselves from the situation. It isn't easy, it is very difficult, extremely brave and, unfortunately, that is the ugly truth.

[East7]

No I didn't put myself in that category and don't assume I did.

 

Your choice of words used in the prior post was offensive but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt if English is not your primary language. Is it?

 

No, English is not my primary language, maybe the words sounded too violent, while I thought it was more "banal". Anyway I don't deny the sense of the post. I meant what I said.

[BB07]

What Seren said.......

You obviously don't understand the dynamic east.....Seren explained it well.

 

East, women who have been abused don't become addicted to abuse, rather that years of abuse have a drip, drip effect. The abuser gradually breaks down the self esteem of the abused person, making them feel they aren't deserving of anything other than an abusive relationship. Mix that in the fear, low self esteem and disempowerment and it makes for a very, dangerous and damaging relationship. The person who is abused isn't addicted to the abuse, more like conditioned to feel they aren't able or good enough to expect any other behaviour.

 

Finally, when they muster up the courage to admit that they are being abused, they take steps to remove themselves from the situation. It isn't easy, it is very difficult, extremely brave and, unfortunately, that is the ugly truth.

[East7]

The abuser gradually breaks down the self esteem of the abused person, making them feel they aren't deserving of anything other than an abusive relationship. Mix that in the fear, low self esteem and disempowerment and it makes for a very, dangerous and damaging relationship. The person who is abused isn't addicted to the abuse, more like conditioned to feel they aren't able or good enough to expect any other behaviour.

.

 

Great explain indeed.

Well, I said the same thing in a simplistic way. In my first post, I said, "she is dependent and insecure" (low self-esteem, fear ) and when I said "she must like it" - it meant she probably thinks this is the best she can have and she doesn't think deserve better.

Now to make my point :

People who have been broken inside have a kind of masochist tendency, they end up accepting being abused as normal, thus they reject sane relationship and gentle partners because they unconsciencely think they don't deserve them. Investing to a relationship with someone like this may become very deceitful unless they are healed and have gained the self-esteem back.

(I have read some psychology, I'm not talking by my own)

[seren]

Great explain indeed.

Well, I said the same thing in a simplistic way. In my first post, I said, "she is dependent and insecure" (low self-esteem, fear ) and when I said "she must like it" - it meant she probably thinks this is the best she can have and she doesn't think deserve better.

Now to make my point :

People who have been broken inside have a kind of masochist tendency, they end up accepting being abused as normal, thus they reject sane relationship and gentle partners because they unconsciencely think they don't deserve them. Investing to a relationship with someone like this may become very deceitful unless they are healed and have gained the self-esteem back.

(I have read some psychology, I'm not talking by my own)

 

This is probably a better explanation than saying someone likes abuse, as for your point. I tend to agree that people who have had a systematic eroding of their self esteem and self belief begin to believe that they aren't deserving of a loving, honest relationship. It isn't so much masochistic, more a lack of self belief, self worth and huge esteem issues. The not good enough feeling, makes people who feel this way very vulnerable,and many lurch from one bad relationship to another.

 

Very often people base their self worth on how others interact or treat them, a confident person who hasn't had to deal with abuse (either physical or emotional) would have respect for themselves and remove themselves from the bad relationship, people who have low expectations, based upon how others, especially significant others have been toward them, stay, blame themselves for the poor behaviour of the other and so on and so on.

 

It happens a lot in A's, gaslighting during an A is a form of emotional abuse that can make a person question their sanity, self worth and result in a loss of self esteem. Some people with low esteem have damaging realtionships over and over as they do not think they deserve better. Dammed sad for all. Physically abusive realtionships involve both the emotional aspect coupled with the visible scars that they aren't 'good enough', there is a special place reserved in hell for abusers IMHO.

I have spent far too long working with people and children who have been abused, I view each and every one as survivors and incredibly brave.

Edited October 25, 2010 by seren
It's late, spelling appalling, time for bed x

[BB07]

Absolutely Beautiful post Seren.........you get it and you also have an empathy and understanding that is very wise.

 

This is probably a better explanation than saying someone likes abuse, as for your point. I tend to agree that people who have had a systematic eroding of their self esteem and self belief begin to believe that they aren't deserving of a loving, honest relationship. It isn't so much masochistic, more a lack of self belief, self worth and huge esteem issues. The not good enough feeling, makes people who feel this way very vulnerable,and many lurch from one bad relationship to another.

 

Very often people base their self worth on how others interact or treat them, a confident person who hasn't had to deal with abuse (either physical or emotional) would have respect for themselves and remove themselves from the bad relationship, people who have low expectations, based upon how others, especially significant others have been toward them, stay, blame themselves for the poor behaviour of the other and so on and so on.

 

It happens a lot in A's, gaslighting during an A is a form of emotional abuse that can make a person question their sanity, self worth and result in a loss of self esteem. Some people with low esteem have damaging realtionships over and over as they do not think they deserve better. Dammed sad for all. Physically abusive realtionships involve both the emotional aspect coupled with the visible scars that they aren't 'good enough', there is a special place reserved in hell for abusers IMHO.

I have spent far too long working with people and children who have been abused, I view each and every one as survivors and incredibly brave.

[Silly_Girl]

This kind of woman will deceit you. If she had a high self-esteem, she would have quited long time. But she doesn't, she is dependent and insecure. She has not known anything better than being treating like a cr@p and she must like that !

She will like your gentleman ways and probably fall for you but she will be back and forth to the abusive man and she will break your heart with deceit.

 

How dare you suggest that victims of domestic abuse 'stay because they like it'. You creep me out. Get your head out of your backside and do some reading on this.

[East7]

How dare you suggest that victims of domestic abuse 'stay because they like it'. You creep me out. Get your head out of your backside and do some reading on this.

 

I apologize having been extreme in expression, maybe because I have seen lots of women staying with bad guys. Seren gived a wonderful view and I explained the real sense of "they like it".

You may not agree with my opinion but it gives you NO RIGHT to offend me !

[Silly_Girl]

I apologize having been extreme in expression, maybe because I have seen lots of women staying with bad guys. Seren gived a wonderful view and I explained the real sense of "they like it".

You may not agree with my opinion but it gives you NO RIGHT to offend me !

 

I was EXTREMELY offended by your post. There is no 'real sense' behind your original claim. You posted what you posted. I found it disgusting, as did others.

[stoploss11]

I'm so lost. Why do they stay w the abuser? She seems to have gone on and giving it a try to make it work with him. How do you know if shes really trying to make it work or giving in, or if its fear?

[seren]

I'm so lost. Why do they stay w the abuser? She seems to have gone on and giving it a try to make it work with him. How do you know if shes really trying to make it work or giving in, or if its fear?

 

Hi Stoploss

 

The reason people who have been abused stay, is because very often, they have been conditioned to believe that they aren't good enough or worthy to have a loving, reciprocal relationship. They have been told time and time again that they are worthless, useless, ugly, fat, thin, stupid, or any of a myriad of names made to chip away at them. Very often it is the abuser who feels not good enough, they project how they feel onto someone else, sadly, they usually project onto vulnerable people who love the abuser, are blind to their drip, drip abusive behaviour. The abused person absorbs the insults, the veiled critticisms and because they do not want to think badly of the abuser, take it all onto themselves, think it's their fault, and so it begins.

 

Years of this make people very vulnerable, make them believe they are bad or mad or not good enough, very often, if they are shown love, they cannot deal with it - how can someone love them if they cannot love themselves? They return time and time again to the destructive person, simply because they don't know any other way. It takes a very long time for them to learn to love themselves, some never do and lurch from one destructive relationship to another. Some mistake attention or sex for love, some cannot show feeling because to show love you have to feel love. It is a very complex relationship.

 

For those who learn to love themselves and feel good enough, a loving relationship can be a scary place to be, what if it all goes wrong? what if they screw up? what if the new person finds out they are not good enough? so some become pleasers without pleasing themselves.

 

You cannot know for certain why the person returns, I'll bet they don't even know themselves - other than the 'I love him' statement and some just want the abuser to recognise what they have in front of them, change and for the realtionship to work. Sadly that rarely happens without a lot of hard work.

 

I know this can be very, very hard to understand when looking on. The abused person will only really leave when they recognise they are being abused and that it is a toxic relationship.

[delirious]

Great explain indeed.

Well, I said the same thing in a simplistic way. In my first post, I said, "she is dependent and insecure" (low self-esteem, fear ) and when I said "she must like it" - it meant she probably thinks this is the best she can have and she doesn't think deserve better.

Now to make my point :

People who have been broken inside have a kind of masochist tendency, they end up accepting being abused as normal, thus they reject sane relationship and gentle partners because they unconsciencely think they don't deserve them. Investing to a relationship with someone like this may become very deceitful unless they are healed and have gained the self-esteem back.

(I have read some psychology, I'm not talking by my own)

 

Wow East I guess English is not your first language, you are obviously trying to put your knowledge in a more tactful way, but you have hit a note with me here. I would be interested to know what book you could recommend. Silly Girl, you should have read this.

[Silly_Girl]

Wow East I guess English is not your first language, you are obviously trying to put your knowledge in a more tactful way, but you have hit a note with me here. I would be interested to know what book you could recommend. Silly Girl, you should have read this.

 

Why is that please?

[East7]

Wow East I guess English is not your first language, you are obviously trying to put your knowledge in a more tactful way, but you have hit a note with me here. I would be interested to know what book you could recommend. Silly Girl, you should have read this.

 

You guess right but what is it wrong with my English ? Im not sure of your sarcasm...but I admitted my words were tactless and I apologized. Do you have smth more interesting to say AND relevant to the topic ?