naive2001 Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 I am in terrible need of advice. For most of the people that have not been in this situation it is very easy to say, "just leave him, he does not love you, are you stupid?, open you eyes", but it is easier said than done! A few years back I was reunited with a family acquaintance that I had not seen in about 2 years. When we were smaller he would constantly tel evryone he liked me, but I would just blow him off: however, when we met again my heart coresponded in such a strong way to him, it all seemed like a dream! We were boyfriend and girlfriend for about 7 months and I thought he was the best guy in the world. He treated me like a princess and he never tried anything else than kissing me, even though he was 21 and I was 18. Time passed by, and from one day to another he said he could not be with me, I was devestated. Everything was going fine between us. I never understood what happened. The next thing I knew he was back with his ex. That totally broke my heart. I gave up all hope in making things work. Some time passed by when he looked for me and that is where all the deceit and heartbreak started! I accepted being with him knowing that he was with that girl only because I thought he was going to leave her and that we could go back to being that "perfect" couple that we once were. After 3 months went by and I saw he did not leave her I asked him what was going on and he was honest with me and said that he was not going to leave her. At that point I made the right decision and left him. A few months later my stepmom told me that he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant 1 month after I broke up with him and that he was going to get married soon, which he did. We did not talk for almost 2 years, though we did happen to coincide with each other 2 times. Within that year and 9 months or so there was not a day that I did not think about him: however I decided to get married to my highschool sweetheart to see if maybe that would ease yhe pain of having lost the love of my life. Did not help! Plus he was not a good guy he was very violent and I ended up leaving him. The night everything changed was when we both happen to be at the same party, he was with his wife, he actually had the nerves to go up to me and tell me why was I being so conceited! All I did was roll my eyes. All through the night I felt his gaze on me 2 months after i got the most unexpected call, it was him! He said he was nearby and wanted to see me. I said yes. One thing lead to another and we kept seeing each other almost every day up until now. My feelings for him are now more stronger than ever. About 3 months ago we were actually intimate for the first time and unlike 2 years ago now I cannot seem to let him go. I just feel like we were meant to be. I am not stupid I know he is not going to leave her, but I do not what gave me the strenght before and why do I lack it now!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Curt Posted March 3, 2004 Moderators Posted March 3, 2004 Clearly, you both have made mistakes here, but one statement tells it all for me: "Time passed by, and from one day to another he said he could not be with me, I was devestated." From my humble perspective, this shouted the truth, as far as his committment level to you was concerned. Remember, at this point in your lives you both had the ability to be with each other in an extended relationship, if you BOTH had desired to be. He made it clear at that time that he couldn't be with you in a longterm circumstance. Later on in your post, you said the following... "he was honest with me and said that he was not going to leave her. At that point I made the right decision and left him. " Here, he once again refused your affection. Now, in my mind, notwithstanding the desire he apparently has to be with you intimately (physically/sexually?) now, what REALLY is his committment to you? Also, I wonder if that committment to you is as strong as the one he has with his wife and child/children? I find major issues with the following too, as it ties in with committment issues you are probably having: "Within that year and 9 months or so there was not a day that I did not think about him: however I decided to get married to my highschool sweetheart to see if maybe that would ease yhe pain of having lost the love of my life. Did not help! Plus he was not a good guy he was very violent and I ended up leaving him. I am not trying to be judgemental here, but "S'up wit dat, Yo?" You were crushing over a guy STILL that was emotionally unavailable to you. Then, you decided to get MARRIED to a guy to...ease the pain??? How could this have possibly helped??? You say at the start that your friends are telling you to, essentially, get over him and move on. You are not accepting that this is what you need to do, correct? I ask you this...what is the alternative? Continue on an affair with a man that is not available to you, nor his own family? Continue to lower your own moral "bar" so that you pursue the "fantasy" of being with him at the expense of your own life? I am sorry, but this type of thing troubles me. IMHO, you may need counselling, OR, you need to just decide to make the right decision, and say goodbye to him. Easier said than done perhaps, but it MUST BE DONE! Curt
naive2001 Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 Dear Curt: Thank you so much for your reply. I think that you were very straight out without being harsh about it. I know that his commitment for his family is way bigger than what he will ever or has ever felt for me. I unlike many women do not blind myself or make myself believe something that is not real or is not going to happen. I know that he is going to stay with his wife and that is what hurts. I need to find a way to make it o.k. I have to find a way to forget about him because he obviously loves this woman or else he would not keep going back to her. In second thought, he does not love anyone because if he did love her he would not have another woman on the side! I just feel he does not make it easy for me. He keeps looking for me. When I feel like I am holding myself together well without him BOOM he comes back into the picture. I feel like my story is a bit more complicated because my feelings for him were developed before he had a commitment with anyone. Most women fall in love with a married man knowing that he is married and they allow themselves to fall in love with that forbidden love, but there was no way I could have known all the crap this guy was going to put me through. When he came back into my life my feelings for him were intact, they remained the same as before. I guess I am still caught up in yesterday. He was the one guy that treated me like a queen and since we were small always had a thing for me; however, that is all it was "a thing" Hope to get a reply from you Thank you
Girlie Posted March 4, 2004 Posted March 4, 2004 I know it must be hard to have such deep feelings for this man who is taken. But realistically, he's not the one who makes it hard for you to let go. You do. Sure, he looks for you. But you don't have to see him. I'm sure you really want to when you hear from him, and I know it's probably easier said than done to say no, but that's really what you have to do. You've known each other for a long time and have a history together and that can be difficult to let go of. However, having him in your life has obviously become a detriment to you. He's got to go. My advice is...walk away. And next time he wants to get in touch with you, say thanks, but no thanks. If you keep letting him return to you, he probably will. But he'll never give you what you want.
Naive Posted March 4, 2004 Posted March 4, 2004 Girlie, Thank you for the support, believe me it really is hard, more so that we once held an open relationship that in *MY* eyes was perfect. I guess that I have to let go it is so hard though! It's just that I am so happy when he is around. It's an emotion that I cannot put into words. I really don't know what is more strong, the happiness I feel when he is around or the emptiness I feel when he's gone.
Girlie Posted March 4, 2004 Posted March 4, 2004 I have been in almost your exact situation before. I was dating a man who actually ran off and got married in Vegas while he was still dating me and then tried to hide it from me, which obviously didn't work. Unfortunately, I didn't walk away right away. It is so hard. All I can tell you is that I finally walked away and felt good about myself for doing so. And eventually I found someone else who made me feel happy and even better, was NOT already taken. It takes time, but moving on is worth it in my opinion. My only regret is not doing it immediately.
Naive Posted March 4, 2004 Posted March 4, 2004 Girlie, That sounds familiar! How did you do it to move on? What made you or what gave you the strength to leave? What did you do to stop yourself from running back or from thinking about him? Thruthfully, the hardest part is when he looks for me I am just unable to say no. But when he does not look for me I can help but think "he's with her right now", does thoughts are eating me alive! I know I have to move on. It has gotten to the point were I feel bad for his wife and when I hear things it actually bothers me to hear he makes her cry!!! Why? I do not know, maybe it's a bad conscience or maybe I can relate to her pain. Whatever it is, all I want is to live a normal life with no tears and no shame!
Girlie Posted March 4, 2004 Posted March 4, 2004 I don't really know what to say as far as what made me move on. Being with him made me feel guilty and I longed for a man who was mine and mine only. And finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. So I cut off all contact with him. No phone calls, nothing. I refused to so much as say hi to him. It took all of the will power I had, but I knew it was the right thing to do and that made it easier. He had a wife, and even if he didn't care and wanted to get involved with someone else, I DID care. Regardless of whatever feelings I had for him, I did not want to be with someone who was married. Period. It helped having friends who were supportive and would allow me to call them at any hour anytime I felt like I wanted to cave and contact him. I still thought about him...it took me a while to get over it. But absence, in this case, did not make the heart grow fonder. I kept myself busy doing other things, and getting involved in my interests, and eventually I met someone else who was not married.
overseas2004 Posted March 16, 2004 Posted March 16, 2004 but there was no way I could have known all the crap this guy was going to put me through. When he came back into my life my feelings for him were intact, they remained the same as before. No not at the outset but you got a pretty good indication from the very beggining that he was going to be an A**. By the way I am not being judgemental. I have had a string of relationships with men in the past several years all of whom were unavailable to me. One was married another one was unstable. Yada Yada Yada. I don't know if you need counselling or not but what you do need to do is ask yourself Why you look for that? I personally have resolved not to do this anymore because it has caused me to almost lose my mind after the fall out. It just isn't worth it to be sad all the time. So take a good look at yourself and determine what it is that drives you. Once you do that you will know how to stay away and change what you like. Is it that you like the drama? That could be one question. Are you afraid of commitment yourself so you seek the unachievable? Do you need to prove to yourself that you can get even the one that can't be gotten. And if you can't figure it out. Then start dwelling on how nice it would be to have someone who is always going to be around and at least try to be there when you need him. Ay. Cheers.... and good luck to us both.
Naive Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 It's so hard to belive this was me over a year ago. I am so happy that I can read all of this and put it behind me
Curt Posted May 31, 2005 Moderators Posted May 31, 2005 It's so good to get a positive post; one to prove once again that time does heal all wounds. Curt
MiChick43 Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 This guy really sounds very self absorbed. Thruthfully, the hardest part is when he looks for me It sounds so one sided. He wants you when only HE wants you. It does not sound like he is actually there for you, emotionally. Good luck. I really hope that you start thinking about yourself and your needs in life. Hugs
Naive Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 Click here to see my update I am so happy to show you guys my update. By the way, thanks so much Curt. Your post really helped me out back then and I am sure it will help out many other women.
Curt Posted June 1, 2005 Moderators Posted June 1, 2005 Glad I could be of some help, hunn. Best regards, Curt
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