What would you do if you found out BW had told xMM lies about you?

October 24, 2010

Well, I stand by what I said, but am sorry if it was taken harshly. The fact is that you chose to get involved with a married man. Things ended badly. I'm sorry for that, but what they say between themselves about their marriage, about you, about all the tea in China is now THEIR BUSINESS.

And it keeps you from yours, which is getting on with your life.

JT I respect your opinion and always have even if we don't agree sometimes.

I always listen and take in even if I don't reply:), you just have to ask FO for that, she knows:o lol

No hard feelings;)

October 24, 2010

Oh, well now I see some creative editing has taken place to make the "karma" argument. Let's clarify, so there's no further need to jack H4U's thread. Let's look at what ACTUALLY was said:

If the BS in my situation found out, she could call me anything she liked, true of not. As the betrayed party, that is her right.

What's the saying? Karma is a b1tch?

If one was reading the post as it was written without assuming malice, they would see that the karma comment was referring to my hypothetical situation, not anyone else's.

Apologies can be made via PM so as to not jack this thread further, thanks.

October 24, 2010

Sometimes people do what they need to do in order to make things right in their own world. I have to say I am not surprised that the wife embellished what you told her- I am sure she reconciled the conversation with how she was feeling- hurt, enraged, confused, decieved.

She may have reconciled the converstion to the point where she believes you said what you said to her. I am sure her feelings about what was done behind her back reflected how she translated your conversations.

In terms of your ex-MM, perhaps he too has to demonize you in order to feel better about what he did- so it makes sense that he would embrace what his wife told him and run with it. If he can make you the enemy because of these conversations it serves a dual purpose for him:
1) it takes the onus off of what he did to his wife and makes you the bad guy (also justifying him leaving your affair);
2) it gives him and his wife common ground- all of a sudden, YOU become the problem, not their marriage, and NOT what HE did to his wife.

I think the wife believes what she has to in order to move forward. It's unrealistic to expect that she'd come out of those conversations with a favourable opinion of you- and regardless off how forthright and pleasant you were during those conversations- she's going to view you as the enemy no matter what.

The bottom line is that there is no point defending yourself against the two of them. They are both working through what they need to in order to put the affair past them. People will warp things to suit them in a situation like that. Your MM probably has to believe what he does in order to keep his marriage- and she has to believe you are something she needs you to be in order to move forward as well.

I know it hurts, but I don't think she decieved you anywhere near the way HE did.

The bolded above seems very realistic to me and makes a lot of sense to his reactions and her lies.

Thanks D-Lish this is a mess I will be very happy to leave....

October 24, 2010

I will not contact him I promise FO, I am done with him. You know how I feel about this:o

I still have a long way to go and I still hurt about this whole mess but I'm very much in control of my feelings and my actions:D

Thanks for the ((hugs)) xx

You hang in there, okay? I do know how you feel and I am glad you vented here. You are getting better every day! STRONGER, FREER and overall happier.

As much as I know you want to "be heard" and the truth of what you said to be discussed, you know it is better for you to let the deal with all their issues and problems. Be well my friend!

October 24, 2010

Some people only see what they want to see and from who they want to see it from.

I thought your post was a nice rebuttal.

GEL

What does this mean?

October 24, 2010

The bolded above seems very realistic to me and makes a lot of sense to his reactions and her lies.

Thanks D-Lish this is a mess I will be very happy to leave....

That's the next step Hope, leaving it behind you.

I think you also need to put the onus of the break up in it's proper place. I truly believe she told him what she "believes" you said with her conscience to back it up. Truth is relative and subjective. You have your truth, he has his truth, and the wife has her truth. How each of you frame your notion of the truth is probably going to dictate how all of you proceed.

The only problem with the aforementioned is that HE is the one that deserves to be left out in the cold- but it's you and his wife that end up being the most damaged by his actions.

Now they can both go off and re-bond believing "that OW was a demon".

It took me some time, but I blame my exH for choosing to have an affair behind my back. The OW was a willing participant in the affair- but she wasn't "the cause" of the problems in our marriage.

I guess I am saying, don't demonize the wife for the demise of your affair (or the aftermath)- demonize the MM that caused all of the heartache for both of you in the first place.

He's now the one sitting pretty, and that just doesn't seem right does it?

October 24, 2010

Not sure I understand.

I just didn't want FO to think Silly was being disrespectful to JT.

I respect all of their opinions even if we don't agree on everything.

H4U, she was being disrespectful to JT. Her comments of

your behaviour was (by your new-found standards) reprehensible, yet you scored yourself a proper winner of a husband it seems. That's not what I thought karma was about,

was meant to demean and belittle JT because of words on another thread. That is what I had an issue with. The implication that JT doesn't deserve a "proper winner of a husband" was a low remark.

October 25, 2010

While I gratefully have a proper winner of a husband, I am pretty sure of what my standards were then and now, and what I do and do not deserve. I do not need a stranger on the Internet to tell me that.

I am sorry if someone might have let their personal opinion of me cloud their interpretation of my post(s). My regret is that is wasn't handled via PM, and interrupted someone else's thread needlessly.

My hope is that my clarification is sufficient to close the matter, at least on this thread, so there is no further interruption.

Again, apologies for the threadjack.

October 25, 2010

I am not in denial, I have been through all of the 'denial' with my IC, I get what I have done, I get my part in the A and I get that you think I lied to her by being with her H, I really do, but thinking of it like that can only hold me back in my healing and MY healing is whats important right now.

The suicide is something that xMM said would happen if she ever found out about 'us'. The reason I focus on that is because she told xMM, their children and their family it was because of what I had said, which I can handle if they knew what I had actually said.

Okay, I missed this, and maybe it will help me express my point in a more user-friendly way.

Your healing is what is important to you, as you said. So surely you can see that her's is to her as well? Part of your healing might have involved posting on LS. If she knew, she may or may not appreciate it, and may or may not agree with what you write.

You are healing in your way, she her's. If twisting the truth helps her, then that's what she needs to do to heal, just as you venting here about it does.

Leave her be. Continue to work on you.

October 25, 2010

My response was nothing whatsoever to do with another thread. As stated, on a support and discussion forum a poster cites karma as the reason another poster is having a difficult time. Let's hear about karma then? It's really simple. If H4U's issues are due to karma, I'm interested to know how widespread that is, how long she can be expected to suffer due to her actions, and whether karma only affects some OW or all OW. jthorne may or may not be willing to expand on her comment.

October 25, 2010

Sometimes people do what they need to do in order to make things right in their own world. I have to say I am not surprised that the wife embellished what you told her- I am sure she reconciled the conversation with how she was feeling- hurt, enraged, confused, decieved.

She may have reconciled the converstion to the point where she believes you said what you said to her. I am sure her feelings about what was done behind her back reflected how she translated your conversations.

In terms of your ex-MM, perhaps he too has to demonize you in order to feel better about what he did- so it makes sense that he would embrace what his wife told him and run with it. If he can make you the enemy because of these conversations it serves a dual purpose for him:
1) it takes the onus off of what he did to his wife and makes you the bad guy (also justifying him leaving your affair);
2) it gives him and his wife common ground- all of a sudden, YOU become the problem, not their marriage, and NOT what HE did to his wife.

I think the wife believes what she has to in order to move forward. It's unrealistic to expect that she'd come out of those conversations with a favourable opinion of you- and regardless off how forthright and pleasant you were during those conversations- she's going to view you as the enemy no matter what.

The bottom line is that there is no point defending yourself against the two of them. They are both working through what they need to in order to put the affair past them. People will warp things to suit them in a situation like that. Your MM probably has to believe what he does in order to keep his marriage- and she has to believe you are something she needs you to be in order to move forward as well.

I know it hurts, but I don't think she decieved you anywhere near the way HE did.

This is really good D...and how it works sometimes:(

October 25, 2010

My response was nothing whatsoever to do with another thread. As stated, on a support and discussion forum a poster cites karma as the reason another poster is having a difficult time. Let's hear about karma then? It's really simple. If H4U's issues are due to karma, I'm interested to know how widespread that is, how long she can be expected to suffer due to her actions, and whether karma only affects some OW or all OW. jthorne may or may not be willing to expand on her comment.

I quess I missed the responses that led to your post, although I get what went down.

There's also a thing called forgiveness....I use all of the sayings (wording)*walking very lightly NOT to step on Spiritual toes*

Whatso ever a man sows, so shall he also reap-

What comes around goes around-, etc.

I speak both of these in my belief system, and yes they do occur, although in this case, let me explain:

It's one thing to be angry and letting go of frustration, it's quite another if I'm sitting there saying..."see, this is what you get for what you did"... and I did that a couple of times and was chastised myself for being critical.

God knows the motive behind the motive, and we reap according to our hearts...and you know, it may not be a consequence for anything, it could just be life period.

Sometimes we are tested, like Job...man that dude went through HELL, he lost his entire family, livestock, and was afflicted with major physical illness...and then the kicker is people were (in the name of "support")telling him the same thing that is being said here.

If we were to actually get what we deserve equal to what we've done, we'd all be toast.

SG and H4U, I have done more wrong in one day than you two together will do in a lifetime...the God I serve is a loving, compassionate God, that when I come to Him and say...man, I screwed up this time...He just hugs me because He knows my heart...and guess what, even when I don't come to Him, He's there anyway. If I could only communicate how much He loves us, but there are no words...

I'm not going to debate this next statement, it is just that, a statement:

For real...why are so many hung up on H4U's past...he lied, she lied, they lied, the man in the moon lied (we all lie BTW, not one person alone has the market corned on that)...who the hell cares now...her post was not about what happened in the A, it's about what she found out recently and wanted to explore it as she is in councelling.

She was dealing with either one or more psychos, I know how that feels and it is like weird. Personally have never encountered such drama.

If you should enter into a place where you need to start a thread for support, I would personally ignore those who try to sidetrack the real issue by trying to put you on the defensive and not respond.

October 25, 2010

For real...why are so many hung up on H4U's past...he lied, she lied, they lied, the man in the moon lied (we all lie BTW, not one person alone has the market corned on that)...who the hell cares now...her post was not about what happened in the A, it's about what she found out recently and wanted to explore it as she is in councelling.

I can't believe you honestly think the W doesn't care any more. The W cares and their past relationship as OW and BS matters. This is not some random person off the street lying about H4U.

I feel like jthorne. I have been the OW several times and any of those W's can say whatever they want about me. There is nothing they can say about me that will hurt me as much as my actions hurt them. That's my own personal view. Seems like it is jthorne's view too. This view helped me because I could easily let go of whatever the W did to or said about me. If that's not a useful view for others, fine. But that doesn't mean that no one cares. The W does and it would seem that H4U does, or this wouldn't be a topic for discussion here. Some random person lies about you and you simply deal with it, you don't post it in the OW forum.

Edited October 25, 2010 by woinlove
typo

October 25, 2010

What makes you believe she lied? He just put the blame on you by saying she tried to commit suicide because of what you said. That's pretty cruel to blame you for his actions. You told this woman her husband said he never loved her like he loved you. That would be enough for her if she was in enough despair over the pain. You minimized his feelings and the whole importance of her marriage to her. you were honest. his and your actions were enough if she was mentally unstable which he knew she was. he knew if you were honest she would do this yet he tried to put this on you for your words. Be mad at him not her. Did you ever hear what she said you said? what could hurt more than the truth you gave her?

October 25, 2010

Oh did I mention that she had every chance to slap me if that was what she wanted as she sat outside my house for 2 hrs previous to this phone conversation which I was unaware of at the time but she chose to lie about what I had said instead.

You do have a point here. I never do understand why BW's cry, squeal, and carry on, instead of going right up to the OW and knocking them smooth out.

October 25, 2010

She asked me what he had said to me about 'them' and their M?

He said he would never leave her for me and that he had always said that he loved her but wasn't sure if he was in love with her and needed to know that there was nothing left in their M to save before he could walk away.

She asked how come I had stayed with him for 2yrs if I knew he wasn't leaving her?

He told me we were soulmates and that he had never loved his W in the way he loved me and that if he could put 2 women together that we (me&BS) would be it. He had even thought of how he would ask me to marry him as if he ever married again it would be me.

She asked about sex and how he had pushed her away?

I told her he had said he couldn't have sex with her because he felt guilty because he would be with her but would be thinking of me.

There is so much more but you get the picture I'm sure. I answered her questions.

I really don't understand why this cowardly man would say these things to you and not be man enough to tell his wife how he felt, leave her and marry you. I can't believe his W wants to stay with him after hearing this.

October 25, 2010

I really don't understand why this cowardly man would say these things to you and not be man enough to tell his wife how he felt, leave her and marry you. I can't believe his W wants to stay with him after hearing this.

yes because we all know the married man never lies as he has two women.

October 25, 2010

You do have a point here. I never do understand why BW's cry, squeal, and carry on, instead of going right up to the OW and knocking them smooth out.

I can speak for the reason why BS's suffer in silence:

During the time of transition, the situation makes the BS feel she is at fault - with dealing with the suddenly irrate H. There is the huge life change with the divorce incl attorneys and property settlement and the haughty demanding OW is also calling the shots.

There's not a whole lot of wiggle room for the BS during this period.

October 25, 2010

I can speak for the reason why BS's suffer in silence:

During the time of transition, the situation makes the BS feel she is at fault - with dealing with the suddenly irrate H. There is the huge life change with the divorce incl attorneys and property settlement and the haughty demanding OW is also calling the shots.

There's not a whole lot of wiggle room for the BS during this period.

I've also heard it from several corners (one being on LS) that often the BS is so unsettled and traumatised by the upset their spouse is suffering that they display virtually no natural reactions. They only care about the person they are married to and improving the most immediate situation.

No time for punch-ups in that scenario.

October 26, 2010

I can't believe you honestly think the W doesn't care any more. The W cares and their past relationship as OW and BS matters. This is not some random person off the street lying about H4U.

I feel like jthorne. I have been the OW several times and any of those W's can say whatever they want about me. There is nothing they can say about me that will hurt me as much as my actions hurt them. That's my own personal view. Seems like it is jthorne's view too. This view helped me because I could easily let go of whatever the W did to or said about me. If that's not a useful view for others, fine. But that doesn't mean that no one cares. The W does and it would seem that H4U does, or this wouldn't be a topic for discussion here. Some random person lies about you and you simply deal with it, you don't post it in the OW forum.

You misunderstood the context of what I was communicating...the OP is about how H4U feels about what exMM's W is saying about information that she told her, how it was twisted. Many posters were going back into the A portion which hasn't been an issue...meaning the A is over.

This thread is not about how the W was hurt...if you go back into "the past" threads you will see the pages and pages of how this was already covered. To my knowledge H4U has not minimized the W's pain, in fact she has been compassionate concerning that.

October 26, 2010

You do have a point here. I never do understand why BW's cry, squeal, and carry on, instead of going right up to the OW and knocking them smooth out.

Now there's a mature way of dealing with matters:rolleyes:

October 26, 2010

I've also heard it from several corners (one being on LS) that often the BS is so unsettled and traumatised by the upset their spouse is suffering that they display virtually no natural reactions. They only care about the person they are married to and improving the most immediate situation.

No time for punch-ups in that scenario.

Yes I agree SG .. Traumatised is the word for it .. In my situation, the 22 years of trust meant I wasn't really aware of the situation until the divorce went down.

October 26, 2010

This thread is not about how the W was hurt..

Yes, I agree - it veered off somewhere..

Hopefully the thread has minimized the OP's frustration over the situation.

October 26, 2010

I can speak for the reason why BS's suffer in silence:

During the time of transition, the situation makes the BS feel she is at fault - with dealing with the suddenly irrate H. There is the huge life change with the divorce incl attorneys and property settlement and the haughty demanding OW is also calling the shots.

There's not a whole lot of wiggle room for the BS during this period.

I'm sorry for what you went through DIC......I can't imagine how terrible of a shock that was and dealing with an ass of stbx husband.........but I wonder do you suppose the reason that she was so difficult was because of the lies he had told her about you?

October 26, 2010

Yes I agree SG .. Traumatised is the word for it .. In my situation, the 22 years of trust meant I wasn't really aware of the situation until the divorce went down.

22 years, wow Desert, that's a long time...

That happened to my mom...they were in the process of getting divorced, then my dad said he wanted to work things out and that the proceedings had ceased...then all of a sudden she hears through the grapevine that the divorce was final and my dad had taken "new wife" to Hawaii to get married...

She didn't tell me about this until I was about 35 or so, it just came up due to a similar sitch.

This was back in '67, yours is the second time I've heard that, was yours during/around that time period??????

How could they get away with that, have things/laws changed????

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What would you do if you found out BW had told xMM lies about you?

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