durkadurka Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Well last night I had the displeasure of having my first 'meaningful' (and I use that term loosely) chat with my ex-girlfriend in nearly 1.5 months, suffice to say that her perception of reality is really skewed. I've posted here about how I went down to visit her, and told her that we each had circumstances in our lives that prevented us from being together at the time (her life is very transient right now, and I am not in a position to be with her until her situation had been sorted out). Suffice to say, she spent the entire conversation telling me how miserable she had been with me, that she is doing better without me, and that I had 2 years to make our relationship work, and chose not to for whatever reason and that how I treated her was appalling. I kind of stuck to my guns and said the reverse was also true. I also said I didn't know why she would want to call or be friends with someone she obviously despised so much. That I flew down there when she needed companionship, and friendship, and offered her support when she needed it, and that the offer to move down to be with her was genuine. She was such a jerk, I don't understand why you would go out of your way to have a malicious harsh conversation with someone. It strikes me as completely unnecessary. I'm going to shoot her off a quick email this afternoon simply saying that I don't want to be friends with her.
Shadowburn Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 It's not a good idea to be friends with exes until sufficient amount of time had passed and better yet, you're involved with someone else AND happy. I wouldn't send her any emails, just go back to NC and let it go. Her perception of reality is not skewed...after break ups, everybody lives in their own version of reality. I'm sure she's telling all her friends what a jerk you were and still are....and noone will convince her otherwise. It's just a nature of the beast.
WTRanger Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 I agree with shadow, no email. The NC started that day, and keep to it. Let her figure it out that you don't want to be friends.
Author durkadurka Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 It's not a good idea to be friends with exes until sufficient amount of time had passed and better yet, you're involved with someone else AND happy. I wouldn't send her any emails, just go back to NC and let it go. Her perception of reality is not skewed...after break ups, everybody lives in their own version of reality. I'm sure she's telling all her friends what a jerk you were and still are....and noone will convince her otherwise. It's just a nature of the beast. Nah, the last 6 months of our relationship and even up until now I treated her like a princess. She's made some choices that I can't forgive though and it needs to be said. So far she's managed to unload everything on me and I'm about to return the favour.
WTRanger Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 You are making a huge mistake by returning the favor. The best way to deal with this, is to do nothing at all. Don't you see what you are about to do? You are about to give her the golden ticket! By returning everything, by blaming her, by fighting back you are going to give her the ultimate out. She'll be able to tell everyone, and have it be true, that you are this total douche. Saying nothing, she can't do that. Sure, she probably will but deep down in her soul she'll know she's creating this lie. If you contact her and she rips you into a blubbering pile of what used to be a man, don't say that we didn't warn you.
Author durkadurka Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 You are making a huge mistake by returning the favor. The best way to deal with this, is to do nothing at all. Don't you see what you are about to do? You are about to give her the golden ticket! By returning everything, by blaming her, by fighting back you are going to give her the ultimate out. She'll be able to tell everyone, and have it be true, that you are this total douche. Saying nothing, she can't do that. Sure, she probably will but deep down in her soul she'll know she's creating this lie. If you contact her and she rips you into a blubbering pile of what used to be a man, don't say that we didn't warn you. I'm not going to blame anyone. I'll post what I've done here when it's done and I'll get feedback.
Shadowburn Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 All we can do here is to give you an advice. It's up to you what to do with it.
Art_Critic Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 suffice to say that her perception of reality is really skewed. She seems to have reality in her grasp.. are you sure it isn't you that has their perception skewed. People move on from breakups.. that is what it seems she has done.. she also learned that she wasn't as happy with you as she is now.. that in itself isn't that big of a deal since it is almost true for one side of every breakup. You need to not send the email.. it will only weaken your viewpoint and make her even more glad that you guys aren't together. Time to go NC
johan Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 She's made some choices that I can't forgive though and it needs to be said. So far she's managed to unload everything on me and I'm about to return the favour. What are you trying to do? Teach her a lesson? She's a "big jerk" so in her mind she'll just turn it all back around on you anyway. Subconsciously you want a reaction from her. Otherwise you wouldn't bother. And she's not going to react the way you want. So you'll just end up being dissatisfied at best. Or at worst disappointed and hurt again. Saying something is always worthwhile when you're dealing with someone you continue to have a relationship with. But when it comes to exes, getting stuff off your chest ends up being a waste.
Ajax Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Seems like the general consensus is to not send the email. I sympathize with you in wanting to send it. Ive been tempted many times to send one last letter to my ex saying how well I treated her (and I did) and that she just couldn't appreciate it. I never sent it though because it wouldn't have made a difference. At the end of the day she still wouldn't be with me. Deep down she knows that I treated her well, it just wasn't enough for her. No amount of logic or reminding will make her see the light. Someday she'll have a boyfriend who doesn't treat her right, and then I'll be vindicated. It might make you feel good to write out the email, but don't send it. Thay're right, she'll use it as evidence that you're the jerk. Stay on the high road and stay NC.
Weekender Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I agree with everyone on not sending an email. I understand you feel you need to respond to her claims, but sometimes no response IS a response too. Stay NC.
Author durkadurka Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 So this is what I had to say Hey Anna, I just wanted you to know that it was nice to hear from you. I had a few thoughts after talking to you last and I wanted to share them with you. After our chat, I really thought it was really important to remember not just the bad times but the good times as well. It was really saddening to hear you talking about everything, and I would like to offer an alternative view. For every challenging experience, there was an equally wonderful and amazing experience. Whether it was lighting off fireworks in front of the McDonald’s, going to Whistler and sitting in front of the fire at the Mallard Lounge, ordering cocktails at the Chateau swimming pool, getting the front desk of the Pan Pacific to give us free chocolate and liqueur only to find out we got the stuff from the vending machine too (bonus!), our fantastic dinner at Le Gros that was a throwback to an era before we were even born. Draining tequila shots at the Four Seasons, valentines at Araxi, going on a horse back ride in Hawaii. Enjoying a majestic Christmas Eve dinner on the side of a volcano (I bet you never imagined you would do that!). There’s also teaching you how to ski, watching Vicky Cristina Barcelona, going to the Olympics, or sitting in front of the fire after a hot tub at my grandparents. Olive Garden in Bellingham, going out on the boat, your going away party, our lunch at Le Crocodile, watching the Sopranos, or going to the Boat House, and last but not least, the St. Louis Blues vs. Vancouver Canucks games, honestly the list goes on forever. Without question, each thing was very special. Regardless of how I behaved, which was erratic at times, I revered you like the Mona Lisa. Someone that was close to perfection and someone whose excellence could not be rivalled. Your beauty is not something that could be debated. Actually, if I had to quantify it I would say 20 out of 10, even in sweat pants and a nanny shirt. Each morning when I woke up, and you would roll over and opened your eyes, it was like looking into the eyes of an angel. Coming down to St. Louis was divine, and will go down in the memory books as one of the best trips I have ever taken. It was a great experience. Unfortunately, my message didn’t come across properly. I thought it spoke for itself. I don’t feel that it is good a good idea to continue to have conversations like we had on Friday. Some of the things that have been said have been difficult to listen to, hearing how miserable you were, and how much happier you are without me isn’t very satisfying to hear. My grandparents were thankful for your message and they wanted me to say hello. Ryan
Author durkadurka Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 Did you send it? Nope. I haven't.
PegNosePete Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 (edited) Oh dear. You have serious validation issues! She is your ex. You don't need her approval, or for her to tell you how great you are. You just need to not talk to her any more. And the best way to do that, is to say nothing to her. Post your email on the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread instead. Edited October 25, 2010 by PegNosePete
valpre Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Post your email on the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread instead. Agreed. Don't send that to her, it's not going to change anything and there is no point in trying to convince her that you were a great BF. You have your own happy memories, leave it at that.
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