I need to destroy a relationship.

[ChrisMac]

Because it's not healthy and a better one is possible. But I'm pretty sure I can't pull it off. I don't know. I'm going to try, but my chances don't look good. Get ready for a LONG story.

 

So in 2004 I met the girl of my dreams. Funny as hell, beautiful, brilliant, charming, and we clicked harder than anyone I've ever met. We got together a month later and spent the next two years together, and they were the best years of both our lives. I still laugh thinking about some of the stories.

 

But in September 2006, she had to leave the country. See, she was German and her student visa was up, and while she'd applied to PhD programs and jobs in the states, she was rejected from them all, and only accepted into a fantastic school in Zurich, Switzerland. And because her dream was to become a scientist, I told her she had to go, she couldn't miss her chance. So we promised to stay together and somehow make it work, and we talked on the phone every day and Skyped at least 1-2 times a week.

 

Fast-forward two years and we're both entirely miserable. We're both having serious panic and anxiety issues. We see each other for one week every 4-6 months. I'm in massive debt from the trips I do take to see her. She has few friends there because she rarely goes out. And I don't see any end in sight to our situation. I can't get a job there because I don't speak German and don't have a degree necessary for a company to support my visa. She suggests I could go to an MBA program in Europe to be closer but I have $40,000 of debt and can't afford to take a year of not working plus pay tuition.

 

So in July 2008, we've both been taking antidepressants for more than half a year, which have the effect of suppressing all my emotions and not making me think with my heart, rather pure logic. And logic says the situation makes no sense, we should break up. Maybe she'll find someone who can help her loneliness and make her happy and be there with her. So I fly over there and sadly say we should end it for now until we can find a way we can be together. And she's devastated, and tells me that if I do this, there's no reconciliation possible later, because she'll never trust me again. But I say it's for the best, we have to do it. I quit the drugs the same week.

 

We still talk every day, and the end of October comes and the drugs have started to wear off, and all the emotion and need for her comes flooding back, and I don't care, I *have* to make it work, and because I'm finally paying down the debt due to work successes, I feel I can get there with the MBA program the next year. She feels the same and says I should come visit for Christmas. I say no, if I'm to get there the following year, I need to save all the money possible, and spending Xmas apart will be the last sacrifice. After that she says she needs some time with no contact, and we agree to not talk for Xmas and New Year's. I take the standardized tests for school and to my surprise rock them.

 

2009 rolls in and she's different. Colder. March she starts dating a coworker she's been in the same lab with for three years who'd been asking her out repeatedly. I can't say I didn't ask for it, but it kills me on the inside.

 

I fly over there in May to see how she really is, and she surprises me at the airport, holding me, saying "I have to get out of here. This place is killing me." She reverts back to repressing her feelings again, though makes me stay in her guest bed that night. Nothing happens between us. From what I can tell her new boyfriend is much older (she's 29 and he's 40), quiet, superbright, maybe not as passionate as we were but passive and not likely to break up with her, especially as his last g/f dumped him.

 

Next day she takes me to the train station and on the platform breaks down and starts bawling, saying she's so sad. In tears as well, I say I love her and everything's going to work out for the best, promise. She says she loves me too. Calls and emails me repeatedly on the train, saying she's sad. I write her back saying listen, we both are still miserable, but need to focus on making our own lives the best they can be. So let's do just that for a year, but if by the start of 2010 I get into school there and we're both not completely happy, we get back together and I spend the rest of my life making her happy as she was in the States before she left. She writes back: "DEAL!!! :-) I like that plan a lot. Talk to you soon!!!"

 

2009 passes, we talk only a few times on the phone -- mostly when she calls me in some kind of trouble or drunk -- and I get my application in for a graduate school in France. I get accepted to interview. These go well. I get waitlisted. December 2009 I get rejected. Have to start all over again with applications for September 2010. We talk briefly on the phone once or twice about about nothing in particular, though she drops a couple comments about how I've only been ****ing around with school applications.

 

In the Jan-April 2010 I redouble my application efforts and apply to six schools: the same one in France again, two in Spain, three in the UK. To my delight, I get asked to interview to one outside London and one in Barcelona, Spain.

 

In May 2010 I go to interview in London, and on the flight back I stop overnight in Zurich again to see her, to tell her I've almost made it. I'd called her to say I was coming a week before and we talked for almost an hour, but night before I arrive she says her b/f's pissed and we can't meet for long. Day I get there she says she's too busy to come downtown, I better just come to her school's bar, we can meet for a few mins.

 

I take the trams up there, and get to the bar, and after more than a year, there she is again. Beautiful, now very thin tho, almost too much so, and scars on her arms from where she's been cutting herself. She never did that when we were together. We get a few beers, light conversation at first but it quickly turns sour. She starts in telling me how great he is. So smart. Speaks six languages. Such a nice apartment. They don't live together but that's okay, it makes every night like a date. She then starts repainting the times we were together as awful. I was always an *******. "You'll *never* find anything this special again." "You need to just move on, okay?" Said she had no memory of crying on the train platform, or of the email where she said "DEAL!!" when I proposed we get back together forever at the end of the year. I'd reread that email 100 times.

 

At one point she looks at me and says "If we got back together, how could I know you wouldn't just break up with me again in two years?". Shocked, I stammer out the truth: I can't prove it but I'm a different man, stronger, and if we can be together on even the same continent there's no way I'd ever want out again. But she dismisses it with a wave of her hand.

 

A few of her friends show up and ask to sit with us. I ask if we could have a few more minutes. But the conversation stays dark, she remains angry, and finally she walks me out and puts me on the bus, we say goodbye and the bus pulls away as she walks back inside. A little buzzed off the beer I decide I can't let it end like that, and get off the bus and run back to the school bar in the rain and go inside. I walk in and she's sitting with her friends, staring at me. "What are you doing here?!" I tell her I need to talk to her again, no idea what to say. Her friends tell me that anything I have to say I can say to them. She relents and comes to talk to me, but I have nothing more to add, and finally leave again. I get back to the hotel and she IM's me on Facebook saying that she's sorry, but just so bitter and hates everyone in the world right now. I wish her the best and log off.

 

That night I get blind drunk in Zurich and miss my flight home the next morning. I don't recontact her. Following day I get home to the States. Next weekend she calls me, 2am her time, drunk, talking about nothing for an hour. Next weekend she calls again, but hangs up when I answer.

 

August comes on quickly and I sell half my stuff, store the rest, sell my car, take care of the visa, find a place to live, and move to Barcelona and start school. I'm now halfway through the semester. She just finished her program, and based on what she said when we last talked, she and her b/f are going to travel around Europe for the next four months, then figure out where to move next.

 

Personally I think it's hopeless. She's not happy with her man, I'm sure he's very nice but doesn't understand her, yet they'll stay together forever because he knows he won't do better and she knows he won't ever leave her. I know I've grown and changed and become the man she and I both wanted me to be. If we were to get back together now, I know we could have an amazing life together. And I'm certain she's repressing all her feelings for me, covering them up with a fiction her friends helped her to create to get over our past, and that repression is eating away at her from the inside.

 

I want to make her realize what could be, and how much I still adore the s#%& out of her and how amazing our lives could be again. But I don't see any way to pull it off, to break through that shell she's built up.

 

So that's the end of my 12,000-word rant. Does anyone have any advice? Am I the a#%hole in all of this? Is there any possible glimmer of hope? My life will be fine, and I'm moving on, but with such sadness and massive regret at the opportunity lost. If only she could just put away her anger...

[shayan]

my friend she is with someone else now. I am so sorry it had to end up like this, but the fact that she moved so far away and then you told her for you guys to seperate for a year was a huge obstacle most relationships would not last. You need to end this and stop regretting your decisions. The fact that you seperated from her happened for a reason, the fact that you told her you guys needed a year away from eachother happened for a reason.

 

When you were spending all that time applying to schools and studying your ass off with 40,000 debt was that something your true self wanted? Or was that something you did to desperately be with her. Hmmm, are you truly the man you and her wanted to be or have you simply spent the past couple years of your life molding yourself into something so that your relationship could survive.

 

what I mean to say is, from my intrpetation of the text, it seems like you have been changing yourself a lot to fit your relationship. That is not a healthy way to live, and often these sorts of relationships lead no where, because we forget ourselves in the process. Everything, you've done seems forced, when you were on those antidepressants and the voice told you to let go, when your intuition originally spoke. You should have let go.

 

Well good luck, my advice find a good woman in the states, you seem to be very intelligent, and have a great capacity to love, thus I forsee you finding many wonderful women. And most importantly begin mourning your loss, and working on letting go, rebuild yourself. Return to yourself, you want to heal from this, then return to yourself and find love within.

[ChrisMac]

but the fact that she moved so far away and then you told her for you guys to seperate for a year was a huge obstacle most relationships would not last. You need to end this and stop regretting your decisions. The fact that you seperated from her happened for a reason, the fact that you told her you guys needed a year away from eachother happened for a reason.

 

what I mean to say is, from my intrpetation of the text, it seems like you have been changing yourself a lot to fit your relationship. That is not a healthy way to live, and often these sorts of relationships lead no where, because we forget ourselves in the process. Everything, you've done seems forced, when you were on those antidepressants and the voice told you to let go, when your intuition originally spoke. You should have let go.

 

Well, yes and no man. I never said we should separate for a year, I said we should break up until we one day found a way to be together in the same place. Which, six months later due to the good GMAT scores and lowered debt, I did. I lacked the self-confidence that I could pull this off when I broke up with her, but then found a better side of myself and realized I could do it.

 

That said, yes, I changed myself, but only with the knowledge that she would likely reject me. I needed to change my life with or without her, to develop myself, and the MBA satisfied both of those goals. I did it to have another shot with her, but I never hurt my long-term goals in the process. The voice on the antidepressants that said let her go may have been rational, but it wasn't me, and that's what hurts the most in this -- she's pissed at a guy that I'm not. This guy here who I actually like and love that loves her would never have done that. But she doesn't care. She thinks they're both the same guy.

[shayan]

my friend with everything else to the side, she is with someone else now. Mistake or no mistake she's let you go, time to do the same.

Edited October 24, 2010 by shayan

[lolab]

u hate urself

 

get out of her face and life u waster!

 

go get some counselling and sort ur issues with ur mother

 

sht t heads like u r all the same

 

waste ur own time

 

that u have authority over pospass ass

 

GROW UP SHARPER!

[ChrisMac]

Thanks, lolab. I was following you until the part about "that u have authority over pospass ass". Not sure what that meant but thanks otherwise for the very clear perspective.

 

I want to be clear as well, though, that I did go to counseling, which is what landed me on pills and breaking up with her in the first place. It was when I quit the drugs and realized I could man up and take action to finally be with her that I realized who I was and stopped hating myself.

 

Now I'm pretty damn happy with who this guy is, I just miss the love of my life still and haven't figured out how to flip the switch and move on. It's not that I hate me, it's that I love her and can't get over what an idiot this guy was two years ago.

Edited November 7, 2010 by ChrisMac

[Banker Chick]

The thing is Chris, it sounds like you kept up your end of the bargain. It took balls to do what you did and was risky. But, I also believe if it was true love it would have lasted and she'd see all the positive changes you made and how hard you worked to be with her.

 

Like the others said, after all of that, she still wants to be with this other guy, happy or not. That unfortunately, is your answer. You sound like a great guy with an incredibly romantic heart. You will easily find someone that will appreciate these qualities. Better to know the relationship couldn't go the distance now than later. Give yourself some time to heal and then move on.

[durkadurka]

Thanks, lolab. I was following you until the part about "that u have authority over pospass ass". Not sure what that meant but thanks otherwise for the very clear perspective.

 

I want to be clear as well, though, that I did go to counseling, which is what landed me on pills and breaking up with her in the first place. It was when I quit the drugs and realized I could man up and take action to finally be with her that I realized who I was and stopped hating myself.

 

Now I'm pretty damn happy with who this guy is, I just miss the love of my life still and haven't figured out how to flip the switch and move on. It's not that I hate me, it's that I love her and can't get over what an idiot this guy was two years ago.

 

As the Nike commercial says, you can't force fate. Seriously bro, read this, and realize that I understand where you're coming from.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t252300/

[ChrisMac]

Jesus, Durkadurka, you just made me feel so much better right there... at least I didn't go through all that!

 

How are you doing? You starting to get past it? Honestly, I'm not sure if you just skipped over that part for time's sake, but what did you like about her so much? Not one thing I read in there makes her sound worth the effort, whereas you sound like you did everything right.

[durkadurka]

Jesus, Durkadurka, you just made me feel so much better right there... at least I didn't go through all that!

 

How are you doing? You starting to get past it? Honestly, I'm not sure if you just skipped over that part for time's sake, but what did you like about her so much? Not one thing I read in there makes her sound worth the effort, whereas you sound like you did everything right.

 

Heart in my throat man, heart in my throat. After spending 2 months without her, I found the resolve to give her the best things of me and offered it up on a silver platter.

 

What I got back was unforgettable and unforgivable. Am I getting past it? Yes and no. Yes in the sense that I am starting to realize that it was an un-winnable scenario that could only be solved through maturity. In that sense, I'm not solely responsible for the break up. I can cling to that.

 

I can also cling to the reality that I'm uncomfortable with the scenario that she has with her parents.

 

Also, our relationship was messed up. Did we live together? Did we not live together? Our relationship was far from normal. I was operating at such a high stress level I boomed from 170 to 210 pounds last year.

 

I'm not over it in the sense that it kind of looks like this business thing MIGHT work, in which case she will have turned back into the person that I cared about and her life will be perfect while I am struggling to keep myself afloat.

 

No in the sense that she said that if she got this business it would be great for us, because it would allow her to bring people down to work for her, and she would be in one spot for a while.

 

I'm not over it because I gave the best of me and said, okay we tried it in my town, that didn't work, but I'm willing to try and come down here to work it out.

 

Ultimately, I found that she worked hard, but didn't work smart. She didn't make it easy for me.

 

I longed for her to be that magnetic attractive go-get'er kind of person that she was when we first started dating. She was glorious, she got a full scholarship to my local university, came top of her class at stanford, and was in general a very kind and sweet girl. The problem was, for whatever reason, she doomed herself to a menial existence and clinged to me as a source of stability.

 

Not only is that bad in any relationship, it also meant she wasn't the girl that I fell in love with.

 

The problem with her is simply this, she swings from branch to branch, just looking for the best AT THE TIME. I have no idea why she stuck around with me as long as she did, maybe she's just stupid. The poor fellow that dates her is simply going to get her out of convenience.

 

Every guy she's dated has served a purpose. I'm the MOST attractive guy she's ever dated, certainly one of the more generous, and I'm also the guy that had her back through the ****.

 

So truthfully, I don't know how I feel about everything. I haven't talked to her in 10 days and I think I should probably not talk to her for the rest of my life.

 

I boil it down to this, she was in such a hurry to forget about me that she forgot about the $500 dollars that I got for selling her stuff for her. How much more offended can you get?

 

2 weeks before she left, we still discussed getting married. I just don't get it.

 

I wrote this note to her a few days ago when she called

 

I was being honest when I said I wanted to improve myself, and I don’t feel that talking is bringing me closer to my goal. As your companion, I cherished you, and appreciated your presence in my life. Trust me, watching Paula Deen will never be as much fun. I will miss your Reese’s Pieces cookies. But I can’t remember the last time that after we talked, I felt happy afterwards.

 

While we were discussing the job at Intellectual Ventures, I told you how insecure I was about everything. When you moved on in August, right after I left, it broadcast a loud message to me. It demonstrated what I feared for a long time, and what you think about me, and it’s not something that I can forget. As John Mayer said ‘you stuck the knife in, and twisted it again.’ I put everything that I could muster into coming to visit you.

 

Please give me the courtesy of letting me move on. I gave us the best chance I could to allow us to be friends, and I was rejected.

 

Maybe one day our paths will cross again.

 

I am glad that you are adapting well back into life in the USA, and that you have found a lifestyle that is more along the lines of what you want and see for yourself.

Edited November 7, 2010 by durkadurka

[ChrisMac]

That's a very tough call to make, man. I know it well. I guess you have to ask yourself what good can come of talking to her. If it ends up only making her feel better about herself -- either by knowing you still care for her or by knowing that you're okay -- I'm not sure you owe her that. The question is how you get to be where you need to be (happy with life as it is) fastest.

 

Kinda feel like I'm talking to myself here, but in your situation I don't think people like her change. Some people only have the ability to see and and hear themselves, and relate to the world only inasmuch as different events and people affect them.

 

Ever meet a girl who can't sit still long enough to watch a movie, ever? You can't discuss "Lost" with them because they don't watch tv? And you realize it's because just watching or listening to something means there's no chance it'll be about them. I'm not saying your girl is that bad, but it certainly sounds extremely selfish and missing the biggest point -- you've proven again and again how reliable you'd be, and how great a life you'd provide. If after all that she still wants dog-track guy, let him have her. She'll just drop him when whatever he's providing her runs out for awhile.

 

My guess here -- and please correct me if no -- is that this is most difficult for you because you have to accept the loss of all the time you put into it. On a deeper level that's clear in your writing, you know you need to write her off as she's poison. Yet it's hard to give up because then wtf were you doing all that for for so long? Becomes a vicious cycle. I guess just start by telling yourself you did it all because you're just awesome like that.

 

With my girl, I think she lost a lot of what I loved at first too, but then again I also believe it's still there, but she's just too screwed up now to let it surface. I don't know, maybe she's golden right now, happy as a clam, but I don't think so. I know the girl and know that when she's happy she's laughing her ass off at every word people around her say, not drinking and saying she hates "everyone in the world right now except my cat". But that's not my problem anymore.

 

I do believe that I was messed up pretty bad due to the LDR, not ready mentally to handle that at the same time that work and other things were in the toilet. Maybe my weakness there means I deserve to lose her forever. But I also know that I've come so goddamn far since then, all through my own effort, and think I'm now pretty close to the man I want to be and she always saw in me. I'm reading to freaking do this, to have a life, and I see all the errors of my ways.

 

Yet I've never told her any of this. I've never had that opportunity. I couldn't tell her "I'm trying to get to Europe to prove how much you mean to me" while I was only applying. I couldn't call her because the words would be too weak. She'd think it was just more empty talk. I needed to get here first. To quietly buckle down, put the effort into getting here, get here, and show her I wasn't f#%&ing around. But that ended up taking almost two years. She believes I went for the MBA program purely for my own goals. Which is fine, more education is always a good thing. But I'm here primarily to show her I was serious.

 

Now I'm here and life is otherwise amazing. School is great, city ridonculous, classmates amazing, and I also think I'm going to give starting my own company a valid shot. Most importantly, I've figured out a lot about who I am and what I want in life. Yet I don't have a forum to tell her all of this. I can't just pick up the phone and be like "blah blah hey I still love you, wanna come back?". And I can't go show up there because it'd seem stalkerish. Email, weak. A letter, better, but still weak. If she chooses to stay with her new, socialist-loving, America-hating boyfriend, fine, but I need her to do so with full information.

 

I've kinda decided that I've only got two real moves here. One, give up and move on. This is the Ask The Audience favorite. "She's made her choice, accept it and find the next great girl." And I still might. But she's made her choice thinking I don't give a damn anymore and haven't for awhile. She doesn't know the extent to which I focused on pulling this off, and how much everything has changed since that July 2008 low point.

 

So my only other option as I see it is to write something more than a letter. A novella, if you will. We had a thousand hilarious stories, and I'm usually a fairly good writer. I may just write them together into a narrative about us, with two threads interweaved. One is the story of how we met and the good times, the laughter for the first years before she had to leave. Much mocking of myself. And her. Thead B runs backwards, covering everything that's happened since, what I've learned, and that I've tried to do since ending it with her. As it runs backwards, the story ends with her ringing the doorbell on the day we met. Then I have it printed and bound and locked with a padlock that has a key I hid in a book at her place last time I was there.

 

I don't know, I may not ever even get the chance to give it to her, but the writing of it might be a good venting exercise for me, and no practicing is ever bad. If I do get it to her and she still tells me to get lost, though, I can happily do so knowing that she knows everything and just doesn't care. We'll see.

[Cratsky]

Just walk away. The longer you hang around, hoping things will change the more you're standing in limbo i.e. not making a decision change and moving on with your life.

 

The past is the past. You're grasping at straws. If you really care about her, you'll let her go to find her way. How could she even hope to respect you, based on the fact you would even consider intentionally destroying her current relationship (especially if she has a chance at real happiness etc) for your own selfish needs. Is that self-less love? Or is it selfish love based on what you want and not letting her go to see what she wants/needs in her life right now to find herself strength/independance as a person?

 

She may have moments of weakness and call for emotional support but that does not mean she has any intention of being in a emotionally committed relationship with you. To be honest, she not be emotionally healthy to be in any relationship right now, full stop. Yes, it hurts but nothing you do or say will change the way she feels. (should you be begging for love anyway?)

 

Let go. Have some self respect and walk away. It's already been dragged out much longer than it probably should have (based on the effect on your finances/emotional health etc). If it is meant to be, you may reconnect in a few years time as new and more evolved people with better coping mechanisms to make it work the second time around but don't bank on it.

 

Take it easy, cut contact and walk away with a smile on your face knowing its the best decision for both of you to end it once and for all.

[ChrisMac]

Take it easy, cut contact and walk away with a smile on your face knowing its the best decision for both of you to end it once and for all.

 

I've heard this advice time and again, and it's good advice, just not really "me". I'm not so defeatist. I will cut ties and move on, I have to, but my decision is whether to let her know why I made the choices I did, and what I've done about them since then. To let her know I didn't drop her because I didn't care.

 

She's now terrified of being let go yet again, and because of it sticking with a guy that may not be right for her but at the least is dependable. I need to let her know that she should be so much more confident than that, that she can rely on herself and men to want to stay with her, that I never meant to lose her. If I can say my peace like that, yeah, I can let it go.

 

Walking away now without saying it, though, is just leaving too much unfinished business for me to accept.

[durkadurka]

That's a very tough call to make, man. I know it well. I guess you have to ask yourself what good can come of talking to her. If it ends up only making her feel better about herself -- either by knowing you still care for her or by knowing that you're okay -- I'm not sure you owe her that. The question is how you get to be where you need to be (happy with life as it is) fastest.

 

Kinda feel like I'm talking to myself here, but in your situation I don't think people like her change. Some people only have the ability to see and and hear themselves, and relate to the world only inasmuch as different events and people affect them.

 

Ever meet a girl who can't sit still long enough to watch a movie, ever? You can't discuss "Lost" with them because they don't watch tv? And you realize it's because just watching or listening to something means there's no chance it'll be about them. I'm not saying your girl is that bad, but it certainly sounds extremely selfish and missing the biggest point -- you've proven again and again how reliable you'd be, and how great a life you'd provide. If after all that she still wants dog-track guy, let him have her. She'll just drop him when whatever he's providing her runs out for awhile.

 

My guess here -- and please correct me if no -- is that this is most difficult for you because you have to accept the loss of all the time you put into it. On a deeper level that's clear in your writing, you know you need to write her off as she's poison. Yet it's hard to give up because then wtf were you doing all that for for so long? Becomes a vicious cycle. I guess just start by telling yourself you did it all because you're just awesome like that.

 

With my girl, I think she lost a lot of what I loved at first too, but then again I also believe it's still there, but she's just too screwed up now to let it surface. I don't know, maybe she's golden right now, happy as a clam, but I don't think so. I know the girl and know that when she's happy she's laughing her ass off at every word people around her say, not drinking and saying she hates "everyone in the world right now except my cat". But that's not my problem anymore.

 

I do believe that I was messed up pretty bad due to the LDR, not ready mentally to handle that at the same time that work and other things were in the toilet. Maybe my weakness there means I deserve to lose her forever. But I also know that I've come so goddamn far since then, all through my own effort, and think I'm now pretty close to the man I want to be and she always saw in me. I'm reading to freaking do this, to have a life, and I see all the errors of my ways.

 

Yet I've never told her any of this. I've never had that opportunity. I couldn't tell her "I'm trying to get to Europe to prove how much you mean to me" while I was only applying. I couldn't call her because the words would be too weak. She'd think it was just more empty talk. I needed to get here first. To quietly buckle down, put the effort into getting here, get here, and show her I wasn't f#%&ing around. But that ended up taking almost two years. She believes I went for the MBA program purely for my own goals. Which is fine, more education is always a good thing. But I'm here primarily to show her I was serious.

 

Now I'm here and life is otherwise amazing. School is great, city ridonculous, classmates amazing, and I also think I'm going to give starting my own company a valid shot. Most importantly, I've figured out a lot about who I am and what I want in life. Yet I don't have a forum to tell her all of this. I can't just pick up the phone and be like "blah blah hey I still love you, wanna come back?". And I can't go show up there because it'd seem stalkerish. Email, weak. A letter, better, but still weak. If she chooses to stay with her new, socialist-loving, America-hating boyfriend, fine, but I need her to do so with full information.

 

I've kinda decided that I've only got two real moves here. One, give up and move on. This is the Ask The Audience favorite. "She's made her choice, accept it and find the next great girl." And I still might. But she's made her choice thinking I don't give a damn anymore and haven't for awhile. She doesn't know the extent to which I focused on pulling this off, and how much everything has changed since that July 2008 low point.

 

So my only other option as I see it is to write something more than a letter. A novella, if you will. We had a thousand hilarious stories, and I'm usually a fairly good writer. I may just write them together into a narrative about us, with two threads interweaved. One is the story of how we met and the good times, the laughter for the first years before she had to leave. Much mocking of myself. And her. Thead B runs backwards, covering everything that's happened since, what I've learned, and that I've tried to do since ending it with her. As it runs backwards, the story ends with her ringing the doorbell on the day we met. Then I have it printed and bound and locked with a padlock that has a key I hid in a book at her place last time I was there.

 

I don't know, I may not ever even get the chance to give it to her, but the writing of it might be a good venting exercise for me, and no practicing is ever bad. If I do get it to her and she still tells me to get lost, though, I can happily do so knowing that she knows everything and just doesn't care. We'll see.

 

1. No I don't.

 

2. She's been habitual, wherever she goes she finds a new guy. Why she was so loyal to me, I have no idea. Maybe it's because she saw something in me I don't know. But apparently, it wasn't enough to not make our time up here pain free. Instead she made it as bumpy as possible.

 

I ended up withdrawing and withdrawing because I didn't know what to do. I stopped communicating, and started arguing.

 

3. My ex was a great listener, that was never the problem. The problem is talking and lack of action from her. She was ALWAYS waiting me to make a move. In my opinion, it was a move that needed to be done together. She needed to prove to me that she was going to make it work here, then I would try and make it work there.

 

But she couldn't. I won't deceive anyone here, as she became more and more unhappy, I became more and more withdrawn. Sometimes I'd be all over her, sometimes I would withdraw and ignore her because I just couldn't deal with it.

 

One thing is for sure, I went through a rough patch but from February - July I kicked it up a level. But it was too late for her I guess.

 

4. No, it's not the time. I accepted the circumstances of the break up. Her parents are just ****ed up financially. Coming from a family where money politics are an issue, I am very uncomfortable with the situation.

 

Anyways, it wasn't an issue until I viewed coming to St. Louis as an opportunity to tell her that I wanted to be with her, cared about her, but wanted to fix my own problems before I got back together with her.

 

In hindsight I realized that's code word for 'I want to mess around for a while' to a girl's ears. I have not slept with 1 person since I broke up with her.

 

Anyways, I think she pushed herself to the brink after I left and maxed herself out. The had to push everything aside and just moved on after I left.

 

Too bad she ruined something great.

 

I was like a rechargable battery, after going down there, I maxed myself out and I couldn't be recharged anymore and I gave it my all. That's why I'm upset.

 

 

 

 

I think the reason she blames me for everything is because she's got this new fresh start down there that I will affectionately call the Post-Ryan era.

 

She can just blame everything in the past on me.

Edited November 8, 2010 by durkadurka

[durkadurka]

ahhhhhhhhh lulz the girl called me tonight

[Eternity001]

And....? what happened.

[durkadurka]

I ignored it. I don't have a twisted fetish for making myself feel bad.