5 yr relationship trouble

[Alobar]

Alright so odd development this morning. She took a call from her mother into the other room and thought I couldn't hear her. She complained and said that she and I rarely hang out or talk anymore.

 

I'm not really sure what to do with that. I was all ready to go back to my plan. Do I make an effort to do fun stuff with her? Do I keep my distance still? Do I ask her if SHE wants to talk/hang out more?

 

I can see the benefits and negatives of all of these. The thing that I'm afraid of is if she feels like her and I are distant then she will confide in/get close to/hang out with someone else (a guy) and potentially develop a bond. Perhaps I'm being overly paranoid, but she has yet to come to me and say "hey why don't we talk anymore?"

[Fern]

You want advice you won't want to hear? I am assuming you live together. If so, you're really stuck with little chance of changing your relationship. That means you have to do a 180. This take BIG balls, but it's your best shot if you do it. Get your own local place today or move in with a friend. Move your stuff when she's at school or away. Let her come home to an empty place and call you to find out what's happening. When she contacts you, just tell her "I'm not sure what I want anymore, so I thought it was best that we spend some time apart so I can figure out what I want". Then let her contact and chase you. Hold back. Get some new friends, hobby, exercise and get really busy. You have to be DESIRABLE and right now you're not. She might just let you go too. If so, it was going to happen anyway and it will be WAY better for you to make a pre-emptive move and do it on your terms. If she doesn't chase you, LET HER GO and DO NOT chase her. Sorry, then it's not meant to be. That's my advice Bro if you want a chance at salvaging your relationship.

 

This is REALLY good advice. It's totally counter-intuitive and every bone in your body will be screaming at you not to do it - but if you have a chance of getting her interested again, this is it.

[Don Ho]

Alright so odd development this morning. She took a call from her mother into the other room and thought I couldn't hear her. She complained and said that she and I rarely hang out or talk anymore.

 

Ok. Now given what you just said, what do you guys (or her) like to do for fun? I would suggest you guys get out and go hiking? Go ride go karts? Something fun and different. Maybe part of the problem is that you're getting like an old married couple and it's getting boring. Continue my plan of mixing it up and keeping your distance. But I would make an offer to do something that she likes to do and see what happens. Maybe making it more like when you were first dating will help. Keep us posted.

[Alobar]

Ok. Now given what you just said, what do you guys (or her) like to do for fun? I would suggest you guys get out and go hiking? Go ride go karts? Something fun and different. Maybe part of the problem is that you're getting like an old married couple and it's getting boring. Continue my plan of mixing it up and keeping your distance. But I would make an offer to do something that she likes to do and see what happens. Maybe making it more like when you were first dating will help. Keep us posted.

 

That is such a fantastic idea, man. I hadn't even considered that for whatever reason but it makes a ton of sense. We HAVE gotten very predictable (school, home, we're both gamers, dinner, etc) with very few activities between. She's a huge dog enthusiest so I think I'll look up a hiking trail and take her and our dog.

 

Thanks to everybody and especially Don Ho for helping me out so far. Replies have been snappy and spot on. I appreciate it. I'll let you know how it goes.

[Don Ho]

Good idea Bro! Now you're thinking. Now, continue keeping your distance physically. Make a plan for a second outing .... maybe surprise her by taking her to a local Dog Show if there's one around or is there a local lake or reservoir to go to? Do you guys have mountain bikes? If she starts responding, lay back, do not go back to business as usual or you will be back where you started.

[sad&lonely]

Sorry to say that I pussed out tonight. She told me this morning she wanted to watch a movie tonight so I remind her at like 9 that it's getting kind of late and we should watch soon. Shes on aim talking to her friends and playing games with them and tells me "another hour?". I get irritated and she totally can tell but I leave the room and go to my computer to stay busy. An hour later she not only hasn't said a word but appears to have forgotten all about the movie with me. So I IM her and say "so...are we watching this or what?" and she tells me she's busy talking to a bunch of guy friends (which pisses me off) and playing a game. So I show more signs of irritation (puss-mistake) and soon tell her I'm just going to bed in kind of a snippy way.

 

Like two ****in hours later she gets off the computer and comes to bed and asks me what's wrong. I get pissed (mistake) and tell her that she snubbed me all damn night in favor of talking to some guys. She kind of gives me a sigh and tells me she didn't think it was that big of a deal. Now I'd like to clarify here, watching a movie isn't a big deal, but I'm sitting around like a jackass waiting for her while she does something she finds more entertaining. Now by this point I know I've bitched-up already and can't seem to help the flow of words. I keep bitching and it starts a fight.

 

So really, I should have just said nothing and expressed no desire to do anything with her, movie or otherwise. It's just tough feeling so pent up that it kind of released itself poorly.

 

Maybe next time I'll just make an angry post here.

 

Part of the problem i think is your isolating your self just to her. Make some new connections, catch a movie with someone else, get some online friends and chat if you have too, but please dont just sit there and wait for her to show up so you can press play and watch a movie together! next time watch the movie yourself, dont waste your days/nights waiting for someone who isnt giving you the attention you deserve.

[Alobar]

Part of the problem i think is your isolating your self just to her. Make some new connections, catch a movie with someone else, get some online friends and chat if you have too, but please dont just sit there and wait for her to show up so you can press play and watch a movie together! next time watch the movie yourself, dont waste your days/nights waiting for someone who isnt giving you the attention you deserve.

 

I agree. Part of the problem is that we moved states together so i don't have a ton of RL friends I can hang out with here. I've been talking to my old friends online as much as possible though, but I will have to actually get out.

 

Like I said, for almost our entire relationship we spent a ton of time together and we both really liked it like that. All of the sudden she feels like she wants to be apart sometimes, which is totally normal, but it kind of threw me off my routine. I'm currently fighting the jealousy I feel whenever she's chatting it up with all of her guy friends. In my opinion, girl who is bored in a relationship + lots of interested guys = bad news.

 

The hike idea didnt go so hot. She didn't seem disinterested in spending time together, but rather physical activity. She's very lazy.

[Tiredguy]

Having been in the exact same situation with the EXACT same attitude and actions from my ex, let me tell you what's about to happen.

 

She is looking at other guys and more than likely is already getting or is already emotionally attached to one of them. Which means very soon she's going to come at you as if the relationship failed because she has fallen out of love with you and sees no future in it. She'll put some of the blame on herself and some on you, but in the end, she really doesn't care what you think, because she's got another guy lined up already, and shortly after she boots you, she'll be spending a lot of time with, and very quickly, hooking up with this new guy, despite denying to you at the time of the break up that there's anybody else.

 

The way girls act when this is the catalyst to a breakup is always the same. They get distant and become very irritable when you're around...things you used to do that were so endearing to them suddenly piss them off, etc. The only reason they stick around for as long as they do, while they're slowly falling for this other person, is because at one time you did mean something to them and they feel guilty. But the more time passes with the distance and irritability, the easier it is for them to justify leaving you. Also, during this time period, their blossoming feelings for this new interest just grow stronger.

 

She's got grass is greener written all over her. More than likely, although it sucks to say it, your relationship is probably already dead and there's nothing you can do about it. Mine was 5.5 years and happened exactly the same way that you describe yours.

Edited October 27, 2010 by Tiredguy

[Alobar]

Having been in the exact same situation with the EXACT same attitude and actions from my ex, let me tell you what's about to happen.

 

She is looking at other guys and more than likely is already getting or is already emotionally attached to one of them. Which means very soon she's going to come at you as if the relationship failed because she has fallen out of love with you and sees no future in it. She'll put some of the blame on herself and some on you, but in the end, she really doesn't care what you think, because she's got another guy lined up already, and shortly after she boots you, she'll be spending a lot of time with, and very quickly, hooking up with this new guy, despite denying to you at the time of the break up that there's anybody else.

 

The way girls act when this is the catalyst to a breakup is always the same. They get distant and become very irritable when you're around...things you used to do that were so endearing to them suddenly piss them off, etc. The only reason they stick around for as long as they do, while they're slowly falling for this other person, is because at one time you did mean something to them and they feel guilty. But the more time passes with the distance and irritability, the easier it is for them to justify leaving you. Also, during this time period, their blossoming feelings for this new interest just grow stronger.

 

She's got grass is greener written all over her. More than likely, although it sucks to say it, your relationship is probably already dead and there's nothing you can do about it. Mine was 5.5 years and happened exactly the same way that you describe yours.

 

That was a concern of mine. Do you think that there's anything I can do at this point if that's the case, or is it too late? It may sound selfish, but if she is doing that I'd so much rather hurt her by leaving her than to sit around and get hurt. That's obviously not ideal, but do you think it's too late now?

 

I appreciate the story.

[Tiredguy]

That was a concern of mine. Do you think that there's anything I can do at this point if that's the case, or is it too late? It may sound selfish, but if she is doing that I'd so much rather hurt her by leaving her than to sit around and get hurt. That's obviously not ideal, but do you think it's too late now?

 

I appreciate the story.

 

Well, I didn't learn all of this until after the fact, when I started reading this forum and found that in every situation where a guy got dumped and it turned out his girl was with someone else immediately afterward that they all acted exactly the same without fail. Then I did a little research on the intergoogles, and I can tell you bro, unfortunately, you are about to be the recipient of a cold hard dump from your girlfriend, and she's got another man waiting in the wings. I mean really, its scary how identical the actions of all of these different girls from all over the country/world are in this situation. Almost like they're following a script.

 

Long story short, had I known then what I know how, I would've dropped the hammer first. So now you have an option that I didn't have I was like you, I was desperate to save it and thought that I could because, c'mon...I was in love with her, and we used to be so close, and she said she'd love me forever, and that I was the best thing to ever happen to her, blah blah blah.

 

You want my advice? Walk away now man, because she is going to leave you, and she will be very cold about it, which will make it even worse. I hate to come off as a cynic, but your situation is no different than anyone else's that's been "slow dropped" for another guy.

 

Edit to add: You're only chance here, and its a slim one, is to boot her before she hits the critical stage and drops you entirely. That may be the only way she'll come to the realization that she's making a mistake, and if she asks you to come back it puts you on different footing. But I'm telling you, no matter what she says, she is at least having an emotional affair with another guy. Keep that in your mind when you do whatever it is you decide to do. Begging and or trying to reason with her will only make your relationship die quicker.

Edited October 27, 2010 by Tiredguy

[paleblue]

Maybe it is time to dump her before she dumps you. The writing is on the wall.

 

Agree with Woggle.

[Alobar]

Well, I didn't learn all of this until after the fact, when I started reading this forum and found that in every situation where a guy got dumped and it turned out his girl was with someone else immediately afterward that they all acted exactly the same without fail. Then I did a little research on the intergoogles, and I can tell you bro, unfortunately, you are about to be the recipient of a cold hard dump from your girlfriend, and she's got another man waiting in the wings. I mean really, its scary how identical the actions of all of these different girls from all over the country/world are in this situation. Almost like they're following a script.

 

Long story short, had I known then what I know how, I would've dropped the hammer first. So now you have an option that I didn't have I was like you, I was desperate to save it and thought that I could because, c'mon...I was in love with her, and we used to be so close, and she said she'd love me forever, and that I was the best thing to ever happen to her, blah blah blah.

 

You want my advice? Walk away now man, because she is going to leave you, and she will be very cold about it, which will make it even worse. I hate to come off as a cynic, but your situation is no different than anyone else's that's been "slow dropped" for another guy.

 

Edit to add: You're only chance here, and its a slim one, is to boot her before she hits the critical stage and drops you entirely. That may be the only way she'll come to the realization that she's making a mistake, and if she asks you to come back it puts you on different footing. But I'm telling you, no matter what she says, she is at least having an emotional affair with another guy. Keep that in your mind when you do whatever it is you decide to do. Begging and or trying to reason with her will only make your relationship die quicker.

 

Hm. This is not good news, but its probably true. I don't think I've begged or anything, so that's good. @#$%, I wish I hadn't moved down here because I'm screwed if we break up. Got a lot to think about.

[Tiredguy]

Hm. This is not good news, but its probably true. I don't think I've begged or anything, so that's good. @#$%, I wish I hadn't moved down here because I'm screwed if we break up. Got a lot to think about.

 

Some of the 'script' as I like to call it, for when a girl is already thinking of another guy and about to leave her boyfriend:

 

-She gets very distant.

-She spends more time talking to other people that weren't really part of your (read, both of yours) social network.

-She spends a lot of time around a guy or certain guys that you don't really know, and she mentions him or them (them to disguise the one that she's getting hot for) in random conversation around you.

-She starts wanting to do social activites like going out that don't include you.

-She gets pissy and irritable about certain things you do, especially things that used to really make her happy or that she previously enjoyed when you were "it" in her life.

-She will start to avoid you and will also hedge away from doing things with you, and then at the same time complain that you aren't doing things together anymore (this is part of the "justification" for what's about to happen.

-She will avoid physical contact with you, and if you do manage some, she will be tense.

-She will stop answering you when you tell her you love her.

 

This "script" is followed almost to the letter by every girl that's on the verge of dumping her boyfriend for another man. These girls aren't the ones that flat out cheat on their boyfriends...they start to develop a relationship with some other guy, but will allow their current relationship to drag on for weeks or even months while this new one "flourishes" to the point of true feelings and then the poor boyfriend gets kicked to the curb...and all of the buildup in the "script" is just part of the justification and the excuse.

 

From what you've said, she's already following most of the script. And if she is, then there's no denying what's coming next.

[GorillaTheater]

These guys are right, Alobar. Dump her now. You'll be glad later that you preserved your dignity.

 

Because the clock's ticking on her telling you that "we need to talk".

[Tiredguy]

These guys are right, Alobar. Dump her now. You'll be glad later that you preserved your dignity.

 

Because the clock's ticking on her telling you that "we need to talk".

 

LOL, exactly the words my ex used.

[GorillaTheater]

LOL, exactly the words my ex used.

 

I'm not surprised. Just as in the scenario you painted in your previous post, it's like alot (if not most) of these women read from the same script.

[Alobar]

Some of the 'script' as I like to call it, for when a girl is already thinking of another guy and about to leave her boyfriend:

 

-She gets very distant.

-She spends more time talking to other people that weren't really part of your (read, both of yours) social network.

-She spends a lot of time around a guy or certain guys that you don't really know, and she mentions him or them (them to disguise the one that she's getting hot for) in random conversation around you.

-She starts wanting to do social activites like going out that don't include you.

-She gets pissy and irritable about certain things you do, especially things that used to really make her happy or that she previously enjoyed when you were "it" in her life.

-She will start to avoid you and will also hedge away from doing things with you, and then at the same time complain that you aren't doing things together anymore (this is part of the "justification" for what's about to happen.

-She will avoid physical contact with you, and if you do manage some, she will be tense.

-She will stop answering you when you tell her you love her.

 

This "script" is followed almost to the letter by every girl that's on the verge of dumping her boyfriend for another man. These girls aren't the ones that flat out cheat on their boyfriends...they start to develop a relationship with some other guy, but will allow their current relationship to drag on for weeks or even months while this new one "flourishes" to the point of true feelings and then the poor boyfriend gets kicked to the curb...and all of the buildup in the "script" is just part of the justification and the excuse.

 

From what you've said, she's already following most of the script. And if she is, then there's no denying what's coming next.

 

Jesus Christ, she's done every single one of those things...

[Tiredguy]

Jesus Christ, she's done every single one of those things...

 

That list is exactly how it went with me, and afterwards, when I started reading break up forums like this one, found that every time this happened to another guy the 'script' was followed to the letter.

 

The only reason a girl will do this and not flat out cheat on you or just leave you is because they do have an emotional investment in you and you do mean something to them, however, its still a horribly crappy thing to do on their part to allow another relationship to build while they're still in one with you. And the longer that one builds, the less 'important' their emotional investment in you becomes. Eventually, that other guy is going to supersede you when she starts thinking about "her boyfriend" or if someone asks her "how's your boyfriend" and before long, you're nothing but a footnote in her history.

 

And trust me, she will be experiencing all the good stuff that comes with new relationships while you're left holding the bag and wondering why life is so cruel.

 

The end is coming man, and I'm sad for you. I recommend you act first.

[Alobar]

How should I do it? I'm 95% certain I want to end this now but I don't have any experience with it. Should I do it in a very neutral matter-of-fact way? That seems the best later down the road, but it would be more satisfying venting everything at her first. Doubt that would garner me much sympathy though...

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey maybe asking "hey, wtf? Why is this going on?"

 

You do realize that you have only been trying your strategy for a few days now, right?

 

Perhaps even a month of work for a 5 year relationship to turn things around?

[Alobar]

Hey maybe asking "hey, wtf? Why is this going on?"

 

You do realize that you have only been trying your strategy for a few days now, right?

 

Perhaps even a month of work for a 5 year relationship to turn things around?

 

It's actually been about 5-6 months of this. The time preceding all of these posts was spent talking to her about things, which she seems totally unwilling to do. The "new" strategy of trying to distance myself to cause her to become interested again is succeeding only in making her not be bothered while she talks to other interested guys.

 

I've been the one who has tried to make things work constantly. When I try to make her participate even a little bit she resists and I don't want to force it anymore.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's actually been about 5-6 months of this. The time preceding all of these posts was spent talking to her about things, which she seems totally unwilling to do. The "new" strategy of trying to distance myself to cause her to become interested again is succeeding only in making her not be bothered while she talks to other interested guys.

 

I've been the one who has tried to make things work constantly. When I try to make her participate even a little bit she resists and I don't want to force it anymore.

 

Sorry to hear that. I would issue an ultimatum and specifically address the behvaiours that are distancing you. I would totally explain that you feel marginalized by xyz behaviours and that you are not willing to live like that anymore. Ask her to change xyz behaviours or expect you to move out because they make you feel abc.

[Alobar]

Sorry to hear that. I would issue an ultimatum and specifically address the behvaiours that are distancing you. I would totally explain that you feel marginalized by xyz behaviours and that you are not willing to live like that anymore. Ask her to change xyz behaviours or expect you to move out because they make you feel abc.

 

Yeah that's what I'm leaning toward I think. I have no idea how she'll react.

[Tiredguy]

How should I do it? I'm 95% certain I want to end this now but I don't have any experience with it. Should I do it in a very neutral matter-of-fact way? That seems the best later down the road, but it would be more satisfying venting everything at her first. Doubt that would garner me much sympathy though...

 

If I had it all over to do again, I'd tell her I don't like the direction the relationship is going in and I'm done, and I'd lay it all at her feet too, because obviously you have tried to make it work and all she's shown is disinterest (same in my case). This has been goin on for a few months now, so you're gettin close to D-Day as it is. Tell her flat out you're not gonna hang around and wait for her to either end it or come around.

 

Whatever you do, don't start discussing this or that..you can vent a little, but you have to come at her like you're extremely disappointed in her and at this point, you've also moved on, which is what she's been doing for 5 or 6 months now.

 

Now, your gut instinct here is that you're shooting yourself in the foot and killing something great, and that its all in your head, and that by doing this the relationship ending is your fault. Its gonna happen either way man. If she's followed the script laid out above, you're already playing second fiddle to someone else in her heart. Screw that!

[Alobar]

If I had it all over to do again, I'd tell her I don't like the direction the relationship is going in and I'm done, and I'd lay it all at her feet too, because obviously you have tried to make it work and all she's shown is disinterest (same in my case). This has been goin on for a few months now, so you're gettin close to D-Day as it is. Tell her flat out you're not gonna hang around and wait for her to either end it or come around.

 

Whatever you do, don't start discussing this or that..you can vent a little, but you have to come at her like you're extremely disappointed in her and at this point, you've also moved on, which is what she's been doing for 5 or 6 months now.

 

Now, your gut instinct here is that you're shooting yourself in the foot and killing something great, and that its all in your head, and that by doing this the relationship ending is your fault. Its gonna happen either way man. If she's followed the script laid out above, you're already playing second fiddle to someone else in her heart. Screw that!

 

Spot on again. This is so hard just mustering up the courage to do anything other than be in a rotten mood. Don't know how I'll do it.