Coincidence or fateful? - having a hard time with this...

[tigerlily94]

A longish story made as short as I can...

 

I was introduced by a mutual friend to a guy about a year ago and we hit it off right away - only we were both moving, on our way out, of New England, after being laid off (yes, both of us, oddly). The mutual friend had been trying to introduce us for almost a year and a half, but for whatever reason, it never happened til that last weekend. He was about to embark on a big road trip and see the country before ultimately relocating, and I was headed to a new city in the South - New Orleans He was planning on visiting my new city anyway on his trip, and we stayed in touch - a month later, he did actually come to visit and stayed with me and another friend of his there.

 

The three of us spent an awesome week together, had an incredibly fun time, and he tried to kiss me one of the last nights there. I brushed it off sort of politely but was really kind about it. I thought he was great but, he was leaving, and I sort of overthought it. Everything was fine later and when he took off to continue his big road trip, he stayed in touch and texted almost everyday.

 

Both us returned to New England for an extended period near the holidays - him due to a death in the family and me due to a surgery. He told me he had decided to move to LA (unsurprisingly) and jokingly said I should move there, too. I ended up not being able to fly back South as soon as I'd liked, and he suggested (seriously) that I get a ride with him and make a road trip out of it. It was fun and exciting, so I went for it - it was a great weeklong trip, and halfway through he did make a move on me again, except this time I decided to reciprocate - it felt right. When we got to New Orleans, the Superbowl was approaching as was Mardi gras, and things were really fun - he kept pushing back the date of his departure, and after spending 5 straight weeks together, he finally left.

 

I was hesitant about a lot of things, getting attached and hooking up, etc...he wasn't hesitant (hah) but expressed that he cared but that this was just a weird situation - and that sadly, it was sort of extraordinary that we didn't get sick of each other or piss one another off, for the most part, after spending 5 weeks together. (He said that even with his closest friends, after a week, he needs to get away from them.) So yes, it was kinda magical, and kinda sad when he did finally leave for LA, as neither one of us believes in long-distance relationships, so we simply let it be and never really talked about it - just continued on as friends, maybe somewhat flirty friends. We continued to stay in touch - more frequently at first up until, well, now.

 

Flash forward to August. I depart New Orleans because I can't find steady work and aim for San Diego (also a warm climate with a bigger job market) and end up renting a room from a kind-seeming woman in the north part of the county. One night in September she gets drunk, wakes me up in the middle of the night to call me names, and more or less tells me I need to leave in 2 weeks. A high school friend who recently relocated to LA says I can stay with him, so I ended up in LA regardless - this was about a month ago.

 

Ironically, I am here - staying with this male friend - and obviously told the guy I was here for a little while and we should hang out. Which we did, twice. The first time it was the three of us (him, me, and my male roomie) and he seemed distracted and distant during this hangout. I wondered if it was because of my male friend, so I reached out again a couple weeks later and the guy and I got dinner together, talked for a few hours, and then I dropped him off back at his place. "Welcome to LA!" he said upon leaving, and I laughed and said "we'll see how long it lasts." Basically, things were upbeat and it was a pleasant catch-up time. But he hasn't been texting or chatting with me - at least initiating it - since early in September.

 

Something seems badly off, and I'm not sure if I did anything wrong - I don't think I did. I suspect he could be seeing someone recently and/or that he feels weird hanging out with me after...whatever it is we had/have...but I didn't bring anything up between us and nor did he. I would most definitely love to continue a good friendship with him - not sure about anything more but I'm not closed to the possibility - and I can't help but wonder if there's something to be said about fate, etc. pushing me to LA after all.

 

Since the last month, I've been the one to principally initiate any offers to hang out, texts, etc - and he responds positively each time - but he doesn't seek me out. It's beginning to bother me a lot since I feel somewhat suddenly ditched at about the time I happen to get here - however temporary or permanent it may be - and I wonder if I should address it - and if so, how? Or should I just play it cool and pretend nothing's wrong and let him contact me next? Is this all just some big silly coincidence? It's wreaking havoc on my head + my heart right now. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

[Confusedalways]

Wow! What a story.

 

Though this guy doesn't necessarily owe you an explanation- I certainly would be asking for one, kind of casually. Personally I know if I were in your shoes, I'd really regret NOT asking. It seemed like all your time together went so well- so what's up?

 

I don't know what the "right" advice is here- but I do know that if it were me, I'd be asking questions. Specifically- "are you seeing anyone right now?"

 

On the flip side, maybe he's guarding his heart for the same reason you turned him down the first time? There's too many variables. I'd ask.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Yeah, once he re-established himself, in L.A., he set out to socialize like others do, and whether there is one in the hopper, or just one he really fancies on the burner, there is probably another 'interest' on his mind, whether she knows he exists or not.

[tigerlily94]

No, I don't really think he owes me any big explanation, but it would be nice to have another person here to hang out with sometimes, and we did get along really well before. I guess I am curious, but more importantly, I sort of feel like I need to reassure him I can be his friend. I'm just not sure if that's a two-way street though, due to the history...

[tigerlily94]

We did end up talking. He didn't really think anything was wrong and was surprised at the strength of this, but when I told him my side, he said he could see how I felt that way, especially since I was unemployed and new and didn't have many other friends here. He said when we hung out with my friend he saw us being all in-jokey and it wasn't fun for him, but it made him assume I had more good friends here, basically.

 

On his end, he started working a temp, potentially perm job at the end of September, and he's been seeing a girl for about a month. He has way more friends here, and a softball team, and he's quite busy, so I understood all that, but it still felt lousy to be new in a place and feel sort of abandoned and I told him as much. He said it was a two-way street though - admitted that he could have been more welcoming and at the same time if I did things with my friends, it wasn't like I was inviting him along to much either.

 

He also said he didn't think he could have spent five straight weeks with someone if he didn't like them, but that he saw the time together in New Orleans as a mutually fun experience and that afterwards we were simply friends. I agreed with this and said I guess we saw eye-to-eye right up until I landed on LA's doorstep, at which point he seemed to drop off talking to me as much. I still think more of it has to do with him finding someone else he's interested in, but he didn't really admit as much.

 

Either way, I told him I kind of went into that talk assuming that was that and I was kind of saying good-bye. He said that seemed dramatic and I said maybe it was realistic - how much does he really want me to fit in, or how would I really fit in, to this group of friends he has here? He assured me that it wouldn't be the last time we saw each other and I kind of smiled and shrugged.

 

I felt better after, surprisingly, to have gotten things sorted out and some kind of closure or resolution at least to my understanding of the situation. And now I am just backing off for a while, and hoping things will regain some sense of normalcy - maybe hanging out once in a while and chatting now and then, platonically. At the very least, things feel slightly disappointing but peaceful.