One an F-buddy always an F-buddy

[theBrokenMuse]

Wow, that's a pretty big stretch. But I think you are going to read whatever you want into the statements of anyone who disagrees with you.

How is it a big stretch? He is complimenting him on what he thinks the other side lacks...

[porter218]

I would also like to add that I do not believe that a woman who equates love and sex is less likely to cheat. I would imagine that having that mindset would make a woman more likely to start out in an emotional affair as opposed to physical and make her more likely to walk away from the marriage for her affair partner (once her emotional intimacy has been removed from her husband she will no longer desire him physically ether so it bodes very poorly for him).

 

Or do some heavy duty fence sitting like another poster on here is doing. Loves her OM and her H...and H has no idea:sick:

[porter218]

So reading up I see what may be behind stockalone's 'veiws'...or fears to be more accurate. Any thing driven by fear can't be good. Maybe you should address these fears in counseling.

. It makes me feel like a pawn that can easily be sacrificed and makes me feel like I was chosen because I was the last piece left on the board.

 

It certainly depends on the definition of “owning” a person, but that is probably true. I am possessive and more jealous than the average guy.

In a sense, I do want to “own” the woman I am with, but it’s not like I want to own her like I own my car. I also don’t mind being owned myself.

 

Casual dating doesn’t work for the “real” me. I tried that for a while in college

So is this including casual sex? Even if it doesn't it shows that you have changed since college and a woman can change as well...ya know.

[Surrealist]

So you are implying a woman who has had a FWB lacks integrity? Don't get me wrong...I am very glad to see stockalone seems to be a faithful kinda guy...but implying that a woman who has had a FWB lacks integrity or the ability to be faithful is nonsensical. It seems that you two are drawing false conclusions based on small details of ones life without looking at the bigger picture. Like I said before, I have had a FWB due to circumstances about 12 years ago....and in no way does that mean I believe in sleeping around. It just simply means it was all that fit into my busy life at that time. We aren't talking sport sex here...we are talking about a FRIEND w/benefits. We are't talking multiple partners or any such thing...It is just a person who you are seeing with no future plans. But both of you guys seem to think I am lacking integrity because of this, or I am unable to be faithful? Yet I am the one who waits nearly 1 yr after her D before she has sex with another man. I am the one who remained unwaveringly faithful to a H who didn't feel the need to do the same. I am the one who commits with every fiber of her being. But thats OK you two feel that way, thats your feeling on this matter. I just hope men like this get straight to the point with their over judgmental ways and self identify with a swiftness so I don't ever waste my precious time...so I can grace some other man with my faithful love.

 

 

The integrity I praised stockalone for was for him not being misleading with women to get them into a sexual relationship or playing the field as a lot of guys do, this did not have anything to do with a mutually agreeable couple in a FWB relationship. I'm sorry you interpreted that the wrong way though I could of made that clearer, however I cannot address the sensitivities you may feel regarding the nature of your FWB relationships that you exhibit and your defence thereof.

 

Admittedly I do judge the FWB activity. It doesn't mean I dislike the person or consider them lower than standards in and of their own merit, but the activities of FWB, casual sex and other promiscuity I do. Hence that is why I do not engage in these kinds of relations myself and would not want a partner who does.

 

I also mention that I do not unfairly judge people for these activities they may participate in, but then, my fair judgements (in my mind) may be your unfair judgements (I guess it could be argued that I do indeed judge these people if I am considering such for a relationship). That is something you will have to live with Im afraid as I cannot coddle you. You choose these activities and other people are not oblidged to agree with them, or have a favourable opinion of them.

 

If you are fully comfortable with engaging these activities, I do not see why you have to feel so defensive or otherwise exhibit such hostility toward those who do not agree with those activities. But if you do, again, that is fine I am not judging you as a person for feeling this way because I probably would feel the same if I was doing them as well.

 

Kind regards

[LiveWell]

If you are fully comfortable with engaging these activities, I do not see why you have to feel so defensive or otherwise exhibit such hostility toward those who do not agree with those activities.

 

It seems to me that this is a pretty good summation of the point of the entire thread.

[porter218]

 

If you are fully comfortable with engaging these activities, I do not see why you have to feel so defensive or otherwise exhibit such hostility toward those who do not agree with those activities. But if you do, again, that is fine I am not judging you as a person for feeling this way because I probably would feel the same if I was doing them as well.

 

Kind regards

 

Not really hostility...after 12 pages of guys implying and outright saying that this means a woman is of less worth and likely to cheat because of this, then I had to explain this is simply incorrect. I find it strange, but to each their own. And further looking into stockalone's previous posts he has admitted this is a jealousy based thing.

[Stockalone]

So reading up I see what may be behind stockalone's 'veiws'...or fears to be more accurate. Any thing driven by fear can't be good. Maybe you should address these fears in counseling.

 

These posts are from my thread about exclusively dating right from the start (which means not dating more than one person). It isn't about sex.

 

What the possessive/jealous comment means, is that my woman is mine and other guys should stay away from her. This has nothing to do with the woman, but rather I expect other men to respect my territory. I'd prefer for them not to even look at (and maybe lust after) her or hit on her, but I know that is unrealistic and I can live with that. Nonetheless, I don't particularly like it.

 

 

So is this including casual sex? Even if it doesn't it shows that you have changed since college and a woman can change as well...ya know.

 

No, it didn't include casual sex. What it means is that I went on a few dates without asking about the woman's sexual history, without asking if she is dating other men, etc.

 

That is what lead me do feel the way I described, feeling like a pawn. By allowing myself to be an option among many, I sell myself short. I have to do what is right for me, ask those questions, and there really is no point in waiting before I ask them.

 

 

Not really hostility...after 12 pages of guys implying and outright saying that this means a woman is of less worth and likely to cheat because of this, then I had to explain this is simply incorrect. I find it strange, but to each their own. And further looking into stockalone's previous posts he has admitted this is a jealousy based thing.

 

It's obviously a matter of opinion. But I don't think of it as a jealousy based thing.

Edited October 26, 2010 by Stockalone

[ascendotum]

Because every person is the best judge of their own character. A woman who doesn't consider herself "worthy" of a real relationship is probably right.

 

She is effectively telling the OP that her doctor-F-buddy was highly desirable, so she settled for being his FWB in order to be with him; and that the OP is less desirable, so he must provide her with all the trappings of a relationship before she is willing to be with him.

 

IMO there are going to be a lot of guys out there, where thoughts like this are going to be swimming around their mind. The doc got to drop a load when it suited his schedule then go out on the weekend and meet other women + party with his friends, while she hoped (presumably) he'd come around to a relationship eventually or else maybe he was just a great screw. While the new bf spends his saturday night now buying dinner and sitting with the mum & daughter watching a Disney movie. I realize this is a terribly cynical way of viewing it but it will cross a lot of guys minds.

 

It seems to me that there is more FWB relationships going on than ever, and of course both sexes are engaging in it equally, though it does seem to be the better looking guys I know that are being called on for support, and quite likely through lack of options that it seems to be also more single mothers. An FWB episode in woman's past is not an automatic deal breaker for me but it would depend on the circumstances.

[harmfulsweetz]

It's shocking that people relate someone having a history of casual/ FWB type sex, with cheating. I've always believed that the less experience a person has, the more likely they are to cheat because they don't know what else is out there. I understand the points made about wanting a partner to live their lives to the standard you set for yourself, that's great. That shows integrity that you aren't going to seek out someone who doesn't meet your standards, and make their life hell because of it.

 

What does really get me about this thread is that the OP believes he got the short end of the stick when really, he didn't. I think he said they'd been together a year, (right?) so he finds this out, and is like wtf? I could have just shot my load at her and done one without all the emotional crap? What does that say about his character? That to me right there is far more worrying than the fact she had an FWB, it sounds to me that it is HIM with the issue, not her. This whole thing is being turned around on her, when it's him. He is the one feeling shortchanged, and making it about her, 'she did this in the past...why wouldn't she do that with me?' In reality, he needs to face the fact that he does not want a relationship.

 

There's always going to be those people who agree with casual and don't mind it, and those that don't and do mind it, so I don't see the point in arguing about that. So long as people don't impose their values onto others, I don't see a problem.

[chucklwaters]

huh???

if another guy I didn't find to be such a perfect match wanted to be FWB I would be more likely to consider it with them then I would my x... because if I don't have strong feelings for them then it will not hurt me to know it isn't going anywhere.

 

Ur FWB might not be a perfect match... but you'd have to be really into him physically/sexually to have such a relationship... right?

[chucklwaters]

The doc got to drop a load when it suited his schedule then go out on the weekend and meet other women + party with his friends, while she hoped (presumably) he'd come around to a relationship eventually or else maybe he was just a great screw. While the new bf spends his saturday night now buying dinner and sitting with the mum & daughter watching a Disney movie. I realize this is a terribly cynical way of viewing it but it will cross a lot of guys minds.

 

That's exactly right - if you're the guy at the Disney movie... you feel like a chump.

 

Her F-buddy got the best part of her... and while you get that too - there are conditions attached to it.

 

That would be fine... provided she didn't have other rules for other guys.

 

That's why I say: once an F-buddy, always an f-buddy

[brainygirl]

That's exactly right - if you're the guy at the Disney movie... you feel like a chump.

 

Her F-buddy got the best part of her... and while you get that too - there are conditions attached to it.

 

That would be fine... provided she didn't have other rules for other guys.

 

That's why I say: once an F-buddy, always an f-buddy

 

Establishing once and for all that you value women only for what is between their legs . . . she's better off without you.

[chucklwaters]

Establishing once and for all that you value women only for what is between their legs . . . she's better off without you.

 

Wrong... I would just have likes it if she valued herself for more than that

[LiveWell]

Establishing once and for all that you value women only for what is between their legs . . . she's better off without you.

 

LOL that's completely warped brainygirl, it was the F-buddy who was only concerned about that, and the woman apparently had no problem with that, did she?

[Floridaman]

Originally Posted by chucklwaters

That's exactly right - if you're the guy at the Disney movie... you feel like a chump.

 

Her F-buddy got the best part of her... and while you get that too - there are conditions attached to it.

 

That would be fine... provided she didn't have other rules for other guys.

 

That's why I say: once an F-buddy, always an f-buddy

 

Establishing once and for all that you value women only for what is between their legs . . . she's better off without you.

 

No, Brainy. The woman spread her legs and dropped everything for the sleazeball for passionate sex but kept her "real" boyfriend - the one who's invested his emotions in her and the one helping with her kids - on the other side of the couch far far her affections.

 

"I'm not that kind of girl," she likely tells her BF when he makes any kind of sexual advances.

[brainygirl]

Wrong... I would just have likes it if she valued herself for more than that

 

The idea that she does now never occurred to you? Or is it a case of damage done, she's worthless once and forever?

[chucklwaters]

LOL that's completely warped brainygirl, it was the F-buddy who was only concerned about that, and the woman apparently had no problem with that, did she?

 

That's exactly right... She didn't object to being some guys f-buddy for years... Why should it be wrong for me to want that too?

 

Obviously - since she lived that way for years - it's an acceptable, perhaps desirable relationship.

 

Unless brainy girl and others feel... Women only submit to being f-buddies when the man they want won't agree to more

[chucklwaters]

The idea that she does now never occurred to you? Or is it a case of damage done, she's worthless once and forever?

 

She says she feels there was nothing wrong with her relationship... Other than perhaps it went on longer than it probably should have

[brainygirl]

That's exactly right... She didn't object to being some guys f-buddy for years... Why should it be wrong for me to want that too?

 

Obviously - since she lived that way for years - it's an acceptable, perhaps desirable relationship.

 

Unless brainy girl and others feel... Women only submit to being f-buddies when the man they want won't agree to more

 

Its a different kind of relationship. Its about sex and only sex. Romantic relationships are about companionship, building a future, love, affection, and sex.

 

she did't have or probably want all that with mister convenient doctor dude, but she does with you.

 

If you don't want all those things with her, why are you still with her?

[Floridaman]

She's a nurse who's divorced with a child. Her f-buddy was a younger, never married doctor who told her he has a rule... I don't date women with children. So she chose just to screw him for years instead. So, knowing this, is a woman who would accept a relationship like that a woman with self respect?

I'm not going to read all the 100s of posts in this thread... just the first page and this page...

 

Short answer...

 

Uhh.... no.

 

She conveniently concealed that LONG relationship from you for over a year.

Edited October 27, 2010 by Floridaman

[chucklwaters]

Its a different kind of relationship. Its about sex and only sex. Romantic relationships are about companionship, building a future, love, affection, and sex.

 

she did't have or probably want all that with mister convenient doctor dude, but she does with you.

 

If you don't want all those things with her, why are you still with her?

 

I think she would have wanted that with her f buddy doctor... But he didn't want that with her.

 

And Im with her because she funny, pretty, smart, love talking to her, and we have a great sex life.

 

I'm still undecided as to whether someone who's been in sex only relationships like she has... Would make a good, long term partner. My relationship brakes have been on since I found out...

 

She got into this relationship with me under false pretenses, remember?

 

But I feel I'm giving her more than for dr f buddy... She gave him years - she I'm entitled to take my time.

[brainygirl]

I think she would have wanted that with her f buddy doctor... But he didn't want that with her.

 

And Im with her because she funny, pretty, smart, love talking to her, and we have a great sex life.

 

I'm still undecided as to whether someone who's been in sex only relationships like she has... Would make a good, long term partner. My relationship brakes have been on since I found out...

 

She got into this relationship with me under false pretenses, remember?

 

But I feel I'm giving her more than for dr f buddy... She gave him years - she I'm entitled to take my time.

 

To me, the whole deceptive thing was way MORE disturbing than that she had this relationship at all.

[chucklwaters]

To me, the whole deceptive thing was way MORE disturbing than that she had this relationship at all.

 

That is true... still cant get the story straight from her now. Constantly changing. And, of course, that makes it worse.

 

What I find ironic is... so many women in this thread have said - there's nothing wrong with an F-buddy relationship...

 

But when I guy would like to have one - he only values what's between her legs...

 

So which is it?

 

Is it a perfectly fine relationship to have... or a degrading, objectifying one?

[brainygirl]

That is true... still cant get the story straight from her now. Constantly changing. And, of course, that makes it worse.

 

What I find ironic is... so many women in this thread have said - there's nothing wrong with an F-buddy relationship...

 

But when I guy would like to have one - he only values what's between her legs...

 

So which is it?

 

Is it a perfectly fine relationship to have... or a degrading, objectifying one?

 

Let me try to rephrase . . . . a FWB relationship is when both sides agree its all bout sex. They both are in it for that reason. They go in knowing that's why they are there and that its temporary.

 

When one party wants a romantic relationship and the other wants a purely sexual one but is going through the motions in order to get sex from the partner that wants romance, its wrong and degrading.

 

I agree, the changing stories are troublesome. Maybe she's a liar and being deceptive because she was or is misbehaving or maybe she wasn't putting a lot of logical thought into her actions and the time and is trying to cast things into a more positive light.

[sumdude]

OP... your GF sounds like a bit of a femme-player. Have fun, wrap it but I wouldn't invest a load of yourself into the relationship. Once trust is broken the relationship is damaged. She's not long term material. Might last a while and once you think it's running along smoothly the next best thing comes along for her and ..poof! I've learned the hard way, if it looks like a duck and smells like a duck...

 

If I had paid more attention to my ex wife's past relationships.. especially what she didn't say.. plus her habitual and almost compulsive lying my life would have been better for a few years there.

Edited October 27, 2010 by sumdude