One an F-buddy always an F-buddy

[chucklwaters]

I get the impression she is super hot, wild in bed, and perfect with the exception of her past and ability to lie... I think those first three things there are almost the equivalent of holding a gun to his head:laugh:.

 

Porter218 is exactly correct.

[Str8noChaser]

That's such a copout. You are now making a choice to continue dating a woman you no longer view as girlfriend material. Accept your decision, move on from her past & continue to enjoy the sex.

[porter218]

I have to say I am a little curious about one thing that isn't clear here. When did she get her D? Or did she get it yet? From your wording it sounds like it she supposedly finalized while she was with you in this past year..?? Have you seen any of this paperwork? If you have access to it you should read it and see who filed...just out of curiosity. It seems like that story about her D is muddled. How involved in her life are you really? Met her daughter?

[brainygirl]

I get the impression she is super hot, wild in bed, and perfect with the exception of her past and ability to lie... I think those first three things there are almost the equivalent of holding a gun to his head:laugh:.

 

So that justifies basically downgrading how you treat her but not telling her about it so you get to still have sex with her? This is why men get accused of using women for sex.

 

She wants a RELATIONSHIP with this man. He is a LOOSER and a COWARD if he continues to see this woman in this manner. Either LIVE WITH IT AND MOVE ON IN THE RELATIONSHIP or BREAK UP WITH HER AND FIND A VIRGINAL GIRL WHO'S SEXULA HISTORY WONT BE SO DISTURBING TO YOU.

[LiveWell]

So that justifies basically downgrading how you treat her but not telling her about it so you get to still have sex with her?

 

It's not up to you to determine that becoming FWB is a "downgrade." It's up to OP's gf, and apparently, she's quite comfortable having purely sexual relationships.

 

If that's the way it rolls, and she doesn't like a purely sexual relationship with OP, she can tell him that, or bail.

 

 

This is why men get accused of using women for sex.

 

Well men only get accused of this by irrational and/or sexist persons who enjoy applying double standards.

 

Obviously if the sex is consensual, both of the parties are "using" each other for whatever they think they might be getting out of the relationship, be it sex, emotional support, or perhaps financial support.

 

So when OP's gf was in an FWB with the doctor, the doctor wasn't "using" her for sex anymore than she was "using" the doctor for sex.

 

 

 

 

She wants a RELATIONSHIP with this man.

 

 

Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. Again, what she does and doesn't "want" is up to her, not you, to decide.

 

 

He is a LOOSER and a COWARD if he continues to see this woman in this manner.

 

And obviously, unless you are a sexist, you would have to apply the same description to the gf if she continues to see OP. (Not that I think the description is apt but if it applies at all it applies equally to both.)

 

 

 

 

Either LIVE WITH IT AND MOVE ON IN THE RELATIONSHIP or BREAK UP WITH HER AND FIND A VIRGINAL GIRL WHO'S SEXULA HISTORY WONT BE SO DISTURBING TO YOU.

 

It seems to me if a FWB is OK with OP and also OK with his gf, then you should be accepting of it too.

[brainygirl]

It's not up to you to determine that becoming FWB is a "downgrade." It's up to OP's gf, and apparently, she's quite comfortable having purely sexual relationships.

 

The very nature of FB relationships is below that of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. The fact that she has spent years with this man establishing a relationship tells me she doesn't want a sexual relationship with no emotional entanglement.

 

If that's the way it rolls, and she doesn't like a purely sexual relationship with OP, she can tell him that, or bail.

 

And the OP could have set the parameters of the relationship months ago when he met her, changing the rules this far in is back handed, insulting and selfish.

 

 

Well men only get accused of this by irrational and/or sexist persons who enjoy applying double standards.

 

Which double standards are those? I have no problem with FWB relationships, when both parties are aware that's what they have. I DO have a problem with men or women who try to use something they know about a person's past to change how that person deserves to be treated in relationships.

 

Obviously if the sex is consensual, both of the parties are "using" each other for whatever they think they might be getting out of the relationship, be it sex, emotional support, or perhaps financial support.

 

If the sex is part of a larger, loving relationship moving towards something more, then its different that if the the sex is recreational activity between two people who sorta get along for a few hours at a time but otherwise owe each other no loyalty and there is no emotional attachment. If both partners are not on the same page about this, its not fully consensual.

 

So when OP's gf was in an FWB with the doctor, the doctor wasn't "using" her for sex anymore than she was "using" the doctor for sex.

 

BUT, they were both aware of the rules of the game. According to the OP, the rules of that relationship were set very early on. She accepted it, for what ever reason, but has since moved on, not only from the doctor, but from that sort of arragement. It is possible she grew through the experience and now wants more and better from her reltionships. But the OP, and you and a few others seem to think it is perfectly appropriate to designate her as NOT GF MATERIAL from now and for the rest of her life, because of this stuff she did in the past.

 

 

 

 

Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. Again, what she does and doesn't "want" is up to her, not you, to decide.

 

 

 

 

And obviously, unless you are a sexist, you would have to apply the same description to the gf if she continues to see OP. (Not that I think the description is apt but if it applies at all it applies equally to both.)

 

 

Why, because she built a relationship with a man she cares for, told him something from her past and now he feels like he gets to use her for sex but not demonstrate caring towards her, after a two year relationship? How is that sexist?

 

 

 

 

 

It seems to me if a FWB is OK with OP and also OK with his gf, then you should be accepting of it too.

 

If it were ok with the gf, she wouldn't have built a relationship with him over the past what was it? 2 years.

[LiveWell]

If it were ok with the gf, she wouldn't have built a relationship with him over the past what was it? 2 years.

 

If it's not OK she doesn't have to agree to it.

[BlueRidgeMTs]

So you don't think someone's past relationship history is the "business" of a serious relationship partner?

 

.

 

You are treading into dangerous terroritory with that. I don't feel that ever da-mn thing sexually I have done needs to be discussed with a current relationship. That's just crazy. Technically, no it is NOT anyone's business. It would have to be some extreme type situation, which i cant think of right now. Maybe something like a being in the porn video business or something. But, wanting to know about someone's average sexual past really is just asking for trouble, because it does not serve ANY purpose in the new relationship other than to cause jealousy or hard feelings.

[GooseChaser]

OP, do you care about your GF? Do you love her? Does the idea of hurting her and branding her "not GF material" appeal to you? Why don't you just break it off already?

[EasyHeart]

You are treading into dangerous terroritory with that. I don't feel that ever da-mn thing sexually I have done needs to be discussed with a current relationship. That's just crazy. Technically, no it is NOT anyone's business. It would have to be some extreme type situation, which i cant think of right now. Maybe something like a being in the porn video business or something. But, wanting to know about someone's average sexual past really is just asking for trouble, because it does not serve ANY purpose in the new relationship other than to cause jealousy or hard feelings.

The question wasn't about sexual history, it was about relationship history. There's a HUGE difference between the two. I don't want details about every time she ever had sex, but I sure as hell want to know who she dated and the nature of her relationships for the past few years.

[brainygirl]

The question wasn't about sexual history, it was about relationship history. There's a HUGE difference between the two. I don't want details about every time she ever had sex, but I sure as hell want to know who she dated and the nature of her relationships for the past few years.

 

Why, so you can judge her? So you can determine that she's not good enough for something in the past?

 

No, not your business. You seem to think you have a right to control your partner not only now, but in the past. That isn't right.

[Knittress]

Why, so you can judge her? So you can determine that she's not good enough for something in the past?

 

No, not your business. You seem to think you have a right to control your partner not only now, but in the past. That isn't right.

 

I agree with this. I've got embarrassingly little to hide from a new partner, but I would entirely resent having my personal value weighed by the amount of use my heart and gentalia have undergone. A person ought not to be evaluated like a thrift-store find.

 

I could probably tell the truth and please some insecure jerk, but I'd honestly just shrug and walk away. I'd rather be known and appreciated for who I am, not some guy's fantasy of who I ought to be.

Edited October 24, 2010 by Knittress

[porter218]

Why, so you can judge her? So you can determine that she's not good enough for something in the past?

 

No, not your business. You seem to think you have a right to control your partner not only now, but in the past. That isn't right.

 

 

I think if someone feels they need to know all of their partners dating/sexual history then they need to make that very very clear from the beginning. That way if this person doesn't feel they have to divulge all this stuff they can move on to someone of the same mindset.

My xH and all of my previous bfs never asked for all of this info. They only wanted a bare minimum outline of the past, mainly who was a significant R from my past. They never asked about FWBs and I wouldn't have thought it important enough to tell them. I was speaking to my xH earlier today and brought this up to see if somehow I missed telling him something he would have thought important...no, he said he didn't care about anything like that because he knows those kind of Rs aren't important to you and aren't really a threat. On the same note...I never asked anyone about stuff like that because I don't care. If she didn't make it to gf status then she didn't matter to him. Of course I asked about their history of fidelity or things of that nature though.

[Woggle]

Why, so you can judge her? So you can determine that she's not good enough for something in the past?

 

No, not your business. You seem to think you have a right to control your partner not only now, but in the past. That isn't right.

 

The past matters because it gives clues on the present. Most people tend to repeat relationship patterns and a man or woman for that matter should know what they are getting into. If a woman cheated in the past I would certainly want to know.

[brainygirl]

The past matters because it gives clues on the present. Most people tend to repeat relationship patterns and a man or woman for that matter should know what they are getting into. If a woman cheated in the past I would certainly want to know.

 

Cheating is different from the mindset presented here of "once a woman has been a man's FB, the only relationship I am interested in with her is that of FB".

 

FB in the past has nothing to do with a relationship now. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. Insisting a woman disclose every relationship, its details and definitions is stupid and silly and non of anyone's business.

[Knittress]

The past matters because it gives clues on the present. Most people tend to repeat relationship patterns and a man or woman for that matter should know what they are getting into. If a woman cheated in the past I would certainly want to know.

 

Ok - so you do realize that if a person actually WERE a bad person they'd just lie, right? Imagine this, an entirely facetious conversation:

Person 1: So, are you an a**hole?

Person 2: Nope! I'm awesome, and like, totally sexy. I like you.

Person 1: Alright then, in this case you MUST be a good person, based upon my superficial 30 minutes of interrogation. This saves me the work of having to actually evaluate your actions and how you treat me. Sweet! And you like me.

 

So, all this is proving is how person 1 is totally insecure and maybe even a little bit of a chump. Character is more than a personality questionnaire or a relationship resume.

Edited October 24, 2010 by Knittress

[Stockalone]

I could probably tell the truth and please some insecure jerk, but I'd honestly just shrug and walk away. I'd rather be known and appreciated for who I am, not some guy's fantasy of who I ought to be.

 

That's one of the reasons why I ask those questions. If a woman doesn't want to answer them, it means we are incompatible in what I consider a very important area.

 

Finding that out sooner rather than later is in both person's best interest, at least I think so. Why waste each other's time?

 

 

I think if someone feels they need to know all of their partners dating/sexual history then they need to make that very very clear from the beginning.

 

That way if this person doesn't feel they have to divulge all this stuff they can move on to someone of the same mindset.

 

I agree. However, I had no idea that having to ask is the norm. But apparently, that's how things are, so I am okay with having to ask.

 

 

On the same note...I never asked anyone about stuff like that because I don't care. If she didn't make it to gf status then she didn't matter to him. Of course I asked about their history of fidelity or things of that nature though.

 

Do you think there is a difference between asking about their history of fidelity or asking someone if they had casual sex?

 

From my viewpoint, the words are different, but the intent is the same. It's asking a question because you believe the answer to it is important.

 

 

Cheating is different from the mindset presented here of "once a woman has been a man's FB, the only relationship I am interested in with her is that of FB".

 

FB in the past has nothing to do with a relationship now. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. Insisting a woman disclose every relationship, its details and definitions is stupid and silly and non of anyone's business.

 

That's your opinion and that's fine. You don't have to answer such questions.

 

I think it is insane not to ask.

 

 

Ok - so you do realize that if a person actually WERE a bad person they'd just lie, right?

 

Do you think we shouldn't bother with asking questions (regardless of the topic), just because someone might not tell us the truth?

Edited October 24, 2010 by Stockalone

[Knittress]

Do you think we shouldn't bother with asking questions (regardless of the topic), just because someone might not tell us the truth?

 

Yup! It detracts from actually *getting to know* the person - something which is going to tell you a lot more about what sort of person they are than if they give the correct responses to your multiple-choice test.

[porter218]

 

 

 

I agree. However, I had no idea that having to ask is the norm. But apparently, that's how things are, so I am okay with having to ask.

If you don't ask then how does this topic come up? I can't even picture that. Just siting down to dinner one day and out of the blue you list out your whole detailed sexual past without even being asked? What if they don't want to know? I don't want to hear about all of that stuff. I only care about how they treated past gfs or Ws. Did they cheat...and the other ins and outs of those Rs.

 

 

 

 

Do you think there is a difference between asking about their history of fidelity or asking someone if they had casual sex?

 

From my viewpoint, the words are different, but the intent is the same. It's asking a question because you believe the answer to it is important.

 

um...yes.

How can these two be compared? I have had a couple FWBs in my years but never ever ever thought of cheating on anyone ..period. I never have and never will under any circumstances. I have never had more then one sexual partner at one time in my life. When I have had a FWB it was due to my lack of time for a real R. This doesn't have any effect on who I am as a person or how I am in a R..at all. And I don't see how that info is important to mention unless asked about. If someone needs to know every bit of my past to that extent then that leads me to believe there is some insecurity behind it. I make a great gf and was a wonderful W and a fantastic mother.

 

Are you thinking that since I have had casual sex then I am likely a cheater:confused:??? I'm not.

[abouttoloseit]

Yup! It detracts from actually *getting to know* the person - something which is going to tell you a lot more about what sort of person they are than if they give the correct responses to your multiple-choice test.

 

 

How do you *get to know" someone without asking questions? I thought communication was part of a relationship?

[brainygirl]

How do you *get to know" someone without asking questions? I thought communication was part of a relationship?

 

 

You have conversations. You watch their actions. You share. Dating is not an extended interrogation.

[Knittress]

How do you *get to know" someone without asking questions? I thought communication was part of a relationship?

 

You spend time with them, you converse, you share stuff in a natural give-and-take. You don't bring out a list and run down the biographical info.

 

As far as 'communication in a relationship' that's a whole other deal. That's more about being able to express your needs and hear what the other person is saying - not the ability to engage in small talk.

[Stockalone]

If you don't ask then how does this topic come up? I can't even picture that. Just siting down to dinner one day and out of the blue you list out your whole detailed sexual past without even being asked? What if they don't want to know? I don't want to hear about all of that stuff. I only care about how they treated past gfs or Ws. Did they cheat...and the other ins and outs of those Rs.

 

Oh, I do ask. What I meant is that when I started dating, I had no idea that I would even need to ask.

 

Back then, I wasn't aware that casual sex, multi-dating, etc. were so common.

 

 

um...yes.

How can these two be compared? I have had a couple FWBs in my years but never ever ever thought of cheating on anyone ..period. I never have and never will under any circumstances. I have never had more then one sexual partner at one time in my life. When I have had a FWB it was due to my lack of time for a real R. This doesn't have any effect on who I am as a person or how I am in a R..at all. And I don't see how that info is important to mention unless asked about. If someone needs to know every bit of my past to that extent then that leads me to believe there is some insecurity behind it. I make a great gf and was a wonderful W and a fantastic mother.

 

Are you thinking that since I have had casual sex then I am likely a cheater:confused:??? I'm not.

 

I was merely wondering why it's apparently okay and maybe even prudent to ask about cheating, but asking about casual sex is different and indicates some insecurity?

 

I don't understand that. I think both questions are about identifying shared (or conflicting) values.

[abouttoloseit]

You have conversations. You watch their actions. You share. Dating is not an extended interrogation.

 

 

Conversations which do NOT include questions? Watch their actions...a little big brother aren't we? Share what!? Oxygen?

 

I couldn't think of a more mondane conversation where I was not allowed to ask an opinion, their experiences, what they think, why they think, it's up to me if I don't like what I hear.

 

Charles Darwin didn't get on the face of money without asking a few questions...

 

On the other hand, I do understand your point. I agree somewhat. But asking the right questions, in this case, about the past...would saved so much hurt in relationships, my own included. Everyone has standards, whether they like to think they do or don't. We are inquisitive creatures and there will always be questions to why does an apple fall, to why the hell did you bang 45 guys in one month.

[abouttoloseit]

I think both questions are about identifying shared (or conflicting) values.

 

 

This get's my vote.