GooseChaser Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 The reason that people take exception to the idea of OP wanting to turn his GF into a F-buddy is because that would be downgrading their relationship. He would only try to do that if he doesn't care about her. If he did, he would be happy with things as they are, because a relationship is a step or two above F-buddy. He has to decide what he wants. He has every right to try to change their relationship or find someone else who wants to be an F-buddy, but it doesn't necessarily mean he should.
porter218 Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 LOL, kdark, thank you for exhibiting the double standard you claim to be opposed to, in your own post. NSA/FWB sex is perfectly fine for the gf, it's her choice. But the OP is NOT allowed to want it, why, the mere desire for it is "absurd." There is nothing wrong with OP wanting a FWB situation with his gf. The problem here is that he wants one, and from how he words it she doesn't. For whatever reason at this point in her life she wants a bf and all of the sudden he doesn't want that anymore. They are on different pages here. It sounds as if he prefers a FWB situation but settled for a R because he had to in order to be with her. Now that he finds that she is capable of less he is changing the rules on her and wanting less. Nothing really wrong with that if she was OK with it...but it doesn't sound like she is. They just aren't well suited for each other. Well at least it sounds that way.
Princess2 Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 After dating my girlfriend for nearly a year, I found out that she'd been some guy's f-buddy for more than 2 years. I feel if just sex was okay for the last guy... Why shouldn't I get the same deal? Maybe it was more complicated than that. Maybe she wanted more from him and/or he was leading her on?? idk, I should go back and read everything. But just recently there was this girl who (according to her) was sleeping with a guy for a year. Until he just cut her off completely because he got a girlfriend. He led her on though, and she was really into him. So sometimes it is not so 'no-strings-attached' as it may appear. But maybe it was? And in that case, if you are with her and u care about her, you should be happy to have a relationship with her. If you feel like u are getting 'gipped' (sp?) then break it off, call her just for sex, and see how long she continues to give it up to u.
kdark Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 LOL I am? I can have sex with my wife pretty much anytime I want since we are fortunately very compatible in that area. I can't really say I'm jealous that she gets more sex than I do since I think we're getting it in equal amounts. (At least I sure hope so.) But you can't deny that women can get sex easier from multiple partners easier than men do. Which is the jealousy I was referring to. I don't, and that's why I never said anything of the kind. Next time please quote me if you want to attribute something to me, I understand you're on your cell phone, but still, try harder please. Sigh. I'm done arguing with you until I get on my computer. You have contradicted yourself so many times already, yet you claim it hasn't happened just because I can't quote it. At least other posters have been helping me out on that front.
Princess2 Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 I just feel most women accept an f-buddy relationship... Because that's the only type of relationship that the guy will have with her. Ok I get it. Yea that happens lol! unfortunately. happened to me too last year, but I cut it off when I finally realized it wasn't going anywhere ha
GooseChaser Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 If the OP wants to take advantage of, "devalue", and "disrespect" his girlfriend, who he is supposed to care about and love, and it doesn't bother his conscience at all, he should go for that, or find someone who will allow it.
LiveWell Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 The reason that people take exception to the idea of OP wanting to turn his GF into a F-buddy is because that would be downgrading their relationship. The logic of this is somewhat unclear to me. This implies that the general consensus is that an FWB type of relationship is worth less (a "downgrade") then a more conventional "relationship" which includes sex. I understand an FWB is different, but why is it a "downgrade"? It's just a different type of relationship that people have. The reality of "FWB" relationships is that women will often have them with males they value quite highly--and that is precisely why women such as OP's gf was willing to have an FWB with her doctor friend. She valued him so highly that she was willing to have the relationship purely on HIS terms--sex only. Because that's what he wanted. It's disingenuous for anyone to try to make the case that a woman will be less willing to have an FWB with a man she highly desires. The significance of the woman's willingness to have the FWB relationship in the first place is that she values the male's companionship so highly that she is essentially willing to give him sex without the ordinary set of quid pro quos ("hoops"/"responsibilities") she requires from other less valued males in order to "give it up" to them. Furthermore, it is extremely rare and probably virtually non-existent for a woman to desire a very long term FWB/NSA relationship simply for the sex. Typically a woman in that situation is hoping that the FWB will evolve into something more than just sex. Women have no need to get into FWB's in the first place, if all they want is just sex. If they want "just sex" it is "just sex" with someone very specific. So it is never "just about the sex." He would only try to do that if he doesn't care about her. But she did "it" (had an FWB) to herself in her prior relationship. Why is he being held to a higher standard of respect for her (assuming wanting an FWB signifies a lack of respect) than she shows herself? Didn't you read the OP? He asked whether his gf was someone who had self-respect. When did his gf magically change from someone who "didn't care about her[self]" to someone who did, and why? IOW is she unwilling to be his FWB because she has evolved beyond that lack of self-respect--which implies she will never again have an FWB with anyone, because doing so shows a lack of respect for herself-- or simply because she believes OP to be less sexually desirable so as to require additional quid pro quos (i.e. "a relationship") before deeming him worthy of having sex with her? Again: Why is this so hard for so many to grasp? Why is it wrong for the OP to want to have FWB with his gf, when she has no apparent intrinsic objection to being in one herself? Why should OP be required to assume that her lack of desire to be his FWB is anything other than an implicit statment about his relative lack of pure sexual desirability? If he did, he would be happy with things as they are, because a relationship is a step or two above F-buddy. Careful now. "Relationship" includes being an FWB. So what type of relationship are you talking about that is one or two steps above FWB? Why is it a "better" relationship if it simply involves additional quid pro quos for sex to take place? Why should OP be "happy" that simply in order to have sex with his gf, he has to "court" her? Why can't OP say to her: "You know what, the doctor had it right. I don't really want to date a woman with a kid, but I'll be happy to have sex with you." OP's gf should be perfectly agreeable to that arrangement unless she does not perceive OP to be sufficiently sexually desirable to warrant NSA sex. In actuality of course, it is most likely that the relationship with the doc was not simply "FWB" on the gf's part, it's clear she WANTED a relationship with the doctor, but he refused that. So in actuality the OP's gf probably entered into the FWB with the doctor hoping that it would turn into something more. As most women who get involved in these things do. So I think what really may be going on is that OP's gf somehow got busted about this doctor relationship and in order to minimize its significance, told OP it was FWB only, when in reality, there was most likely a very strong emotional component at least on her part. He has to decide what he wants. He has every right to try to change their relationship or find someone else who wants to be an F-buddy, but it doesn't necessarily mean he should. And he certainly has every right to ask the current gf for an FWB relationship, without being criticized for it. Because there's nothing wrong with an FWB relationship. Right?
LiveWell Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 The past is the past huh? Posters may be interested in reading OP's other thread for clarification on the gf's history regarding the FB. You mean this one? Yes... met her on that same dating website. She told me she'd been on it for 4 years - and had never been on more than 2 dates in a row. I was really surprised because she's really pretty. But as we went on in the relationship, her story began to fall apart. You see, she was careful with her wording. She mentioned no more than 2 dates in a row - but failed to mention it had turned into a money maker for her. And when we met, she said she didn't have a boyfriend, "technically" I guess that was true. But she had picked up a guy at one of her parties - and they were F-buddies for 2 to 3 years. She was still seeing him when we met, and didn't mention him until seven months later - so I feel really betrayed. I found out all this stuff after I fell in love with her... so it's been hard. You're right. she's a smooth talker. We're stll together, but just barely. LOL OK folks defend away OP's gf.
GooseChaser Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 There is another option that he has besides the ones I mentioned in my previous post. He can be the bigger MAN, grit his teeth, and happily accept his responsibilities as a loving, accepting boyfriend, who respects her for who she is, despite her past.
GooseChaser Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 (edited) Maybe she was "seeing him" when they MET, but what matters is if she was doing that when she was WITH HIM, in a relationship. By the way, if they had an F-buddy or FWB relationship, he wouldn't have any right to complain, because F-buddies and FWBs don't have commitment, unless they agreed on exclusivity. Why is he complaining, if that's what he wanted? Edited October 23, 2010 by GooseChaser
Author chucklwaters Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 When I met her she said she'd been divorced for 8 years. And then told me weeks later - she's not actually divorced just separated. Shentold me for the first 4 years, she didn't date at all. And for the 2nd four years, she'd been on match dot come, but had never been out on more than 2 dates in a row... And didn't have a boyfriend. Her story seemed fishy. Her bedroom skills were very high, not like someone who didn't date much. The reason for the separation from her husband was skecthy.... She left him when their daughter was just 8 months old - because she said he was uncommunicative. Seriously, that's the best answer she can come up with. Eventually, I pretended as though I'd be into it if she had had an f-buddy. That's when she told me. She was seeing this guy - the doctor - for 2 to 3 years. And also for part of the time sleeping wih his friend too.n and then there was her first f-buddy after her separation, a club goer who was really into ecstasy. Her story was VASTLY different from the one she originally told. She went from a girl who was seeking a bf on match... To a girl with multiple, simultaneous fb's. And btw... While on match.... She received thousands of inquiries... So many that she organized singles parties - selling the guys tickets to parties at local bars for 20 dollars a piece. I find it strange that a woman with an infant would leave her husband bc her was supposedly uncommunicative... Just to be in a series of sex only relationships. Her story now is constantly changing. My hunch is there are many more sordid details that she's not telling me.
LiveWell Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Maybe she was "seeing him" when they MET, but what matters is if she was doing that when she was WITH HIM, in a relationship. By the way, if they had an F-buddy or FWB relationship, he wouldn't have any right to complain, because F-buddies and FWBs don't have commitment, unless they agreed on exclusivity. Why is he complaining, if that's what he wanted? I assume you wrote this after seeing the excerpt I found from chuckl's other thread about his gf. Tell me, is there any sort of behavior she could have engaged in that you would find inappropriate? It's now very clear from what was posted on the other thread that chuckl's gf was sexually involved with her FWB WHILE SHE WAS DATING chuckls and "neglected" to tell him about it. Apparently she must have gotten busted somehow and I would assume has attempted to minimize the relationship with the doctor by claiming it's FWB sex only. Given the new info chuckl should seriously think about ending this entirely.
Str8noChaser Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Um, why are those dealbreakers you are now judging her for? Why didn't you WALK AWAY when you had too much fishiness? Why hang around for however many months? If I date a chick and find a flip flop in an essential story, I will either cut ties OR relegate her myself to FWB status. She will NOT be treated to girlfriend material. When I met her she said she'd been divorced for 8 years. And then told me weeks later - she's not actually divorced just separated. Shentold me for the first 4 years, she didn't date at all. And for the 2nd four years, she'd been on match dot come, but had never been out on more than 2 dates in a row... And didn't have a boyfriend. Her story seemed fishy. Her bedroom skills were very high, not like someone who didn't date much. The reason for the separation from her husband was skecthy.... She left him when their daughter was just 8 months old - because she said he was uncommunicative. Seriously, that's the best answer she can come up with. Eventually, I pretended as though I'd be into it if she had had an f-buddy. That's when she told me. She was seeing this guy - the doctor - for 2 to 3 years. And also for part of the time sleeping wih his friend too.n and then there was her first f-buddy after her separation, a club goer who was really into ecstasy. Her story was VASTLY different from the one she originally told. She went from a girl who was seeking a bf on match... To a girl with multiple, simultaneous fb's. And btw... While on match.... She received thousands of inquiries... So many that she organized singles parties - selling the guys tickets to parties at local bars for 20 dollars a piece. I find it strange that a woman with an infant would leave her husband bc her was supposedly uncommunicative... Just to be in a series of sex only relationships. Her story now is constantly changing. My hunch is there are many more sordid details that she's not telling me.
GooseChaser Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I assume you wrote this after seeing the excerpt I found from chuckl's other thread about his gf. Tell me, is there any sort of behavior she could have engaged in that you would find inappropriate? Of course. The thing is, when people are single, they can date as many people as they want. They don't have responsibilities to anyone. When people are committed, though, it is wrong for them to mess around with others, unless they have agreed that it is okay. It's now very clear from what was posted on the other thread that chuckl's gf was sexually involved with her FWB WHILE SHE WAS DATING chuckls and "neglected" to tell him about it. Apparently she must have gotten busted somehow and I would assume has attempted to minimize the relationship with the doctor by claiming it's FWB sex only. Given the new info chuckl should seriously think about ending this entirely. Yes, that is bad. I'm sorry to hear that. Did they have exclusivity at that time, though? If they did, I would find that inappropriate, yes, and something the OP should be concerned about.
GooseChaser Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I agree that it's strange and worrying that she can't keep her story straight. Does she make a habit of being dishonest? Red flag.
Str8noChaser Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Her bedroom skills were very high, not like someone who didn't date much. I suspect that is why you haven't walked away. It can't be an emotional connection to her, you want to stop the emotional part and just enjoy the sex. Man up and tell her how you feel. You no longer view her as girlfriend material and only want to contact her for sex. Be as upfront with her as you wanted her to be with you.
porter218 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Chucklwaters, you aren't happy. Why waste time...life is too short.
GooseChaser Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I agree with the others saying that you should look for someone else if you aren't happy. Good luck, whatever happens.
Str8noChaser Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Chucklwaters, you aren't happy. Why waste time...life is too short. Correct. Unless this is a dealbreaker and you are prepared to move on...why complain about it? Address it with her directly and tell her your feelings have changed. She can either accept it or not.
Author chucklwaters Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. Many of you have touched upon many of the emotions I have been feeling. "Live Well" sums up throughout exactly how I feel. That I was deceived... that I was going to be her "nice" guy after she got done playing with the "bad boys." And she went out of her way to create an "I'm not that kind of girl" impression. In fact. the first time we slept together she said something to the effect of "I'm not sure if I still remember how to do this." I later found out she had had sex with the doctor the night before. And "Live Well" hit upon something else too. An F-Buddy relationship is usually all about sexual attraction. So since she'd have a relationship like that with him, but not likely with me, it make me feel - fair or not - less attractive. When I started dating her I told her I ascribed to the philosophy espoused in the movie Jerry Maguire "You don't shoplift booty off a single mom." I took my responsibility to her, and my respect for her, seriously. So you can imagine how stunned I was when I found out about her F-buddy and she said to me : "All we do is get together and f#@*, we never even talk about my daughter - it's not that kind of relationship... it's just sex."
Str8noChaser Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Many of you have touched upon many of the emotions I have been feeling. "Live Well" sums up throughout exactly how I feel. That I was deceived... that I was going to be her "nice" guy after she got done playing with the "bad boys." And she went out of her way to create an "I'm not that kind of girl" impression. If you feel you were deceived and that is a dealbreaker for you, end it now. Find someone else & stop sleeping with her.
atlnay Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 If I dated a guy who no longer liked what he already know or just found out about me, for whatever reason, and it's things I CAN'T change, then it's on HIM to end it. He can bring it up to me but if I can't change my past, not even sure why we are discussing anything. If he doesn't end it, it's on him for sticking around and says a lot more about him still "dating" someone who's past he has an issue with vs. the person with the past in question. chucklwaters, unless she is holding some gun to your head...you do have options here...
EasyHeart Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 If I dated a guy who no longer liked what he already know or just found out about me, for whatever reason, and it's things I CAN'T change, then it's on HIM to end it. He can bring it up to me but if I can't change my past, not even sure why we are discussing anything. If he doesn't end it, it's on him for sticking around and says a lot more about him still "dating" someone who's past he has an issue with vs. the person with the past in question. chucklwaters, unless she is holding some gun to your head...you do have options here...Normally, I would agree with this statement, but a woman like this deserves whatever she gets. She intentionally mislead you, so I don't think you have any responsibility to consider her feelings. She didn't treat you with respect, so you have no obligation to treat her with respect. If it's best for YOU, get out ASAP. But if you'd rather keep dating her while you shop around for a new GF, this is one of the rare times I wouldn't have any problem with it. Do what's best for you; her feelings don't enter the equation in a situation like this.
porter218 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 chucklwaters, unless she is holding some gun to your head...you do have options here... I get the impression she is super hot, wild in bed, and perfect with the exception of her past and ability to lie... I think those first three things there are almost the equivalent of holding a gun to his head:laugh:.
LiveWell Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 well what a fascinating discussion this has been.... I think maybe we can all agree on the following if OP remains in this relationship: "keep it wrapped"
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