One an F-buddy always an F-buddy

[chucklwaters]

After dating my girlfriend for nearly a year, I found out that she'd been some guy's f-buddy for more than 2 years. I feel if just sex was okay for the last guy... Why shouldn't I get the same deal?

[brainygirl]

Do you care for her? There's a difference between occasionally sleeping with someone and having a deep, meaningful relationship with someone. If you don't know that, you probably shouldn't be dating.

 

Also, maybe she regrets it and wants different, better, with you.

[carhill]

Are you saying you're relationship doesn't include sexual intimacy?

[chucklwaters]

Our relationship is both passionate and intimate. But I feel as though she might have been more into the other guy. She was willing give herself to him without having him do so much as buy her dinner. But me, I get the relationship that's bound with responsibilities.

[brainygirl]

Our relationship is both passionate and intimate. But I feel as though she might have been more into the other guy. She was willing give herself to him without having him do so much as buy her dinner. But me, I get the relationship that's bound with responsibilities.

 

But she's also committed to a relationship with you, the other guy was someone to screw, nothing more. And its in her past, so not your business.

[welikeincrowds]

Our relationship is both passionate and intimate. But I feel as though she might have been more into the other guy. She was willing give herself to him without having him do so much as buy her dinner. But me, I get the relationship that's bound with responsibilities.

 

Christ, man. Are you sure you're intimate? You should just leave her and save both of you the trouble.

[chucklwaters]

I just feel most women accept an f-buddy relationship... Because that's the only type of relationship that the guy will have with her.

[welikeincrowds]

I just feel most women accept an f-buddy relationship... Because that's the only type of relationship that the guy will have with her.

 

These are women people that have no self-respect. Do you think your girlfriend has no self-respect? In other words: do you have contempt for your girlfriend?

[chucklwaters]

She's a nurse who's divorced with a child. Her f-buddy was a younger, never married doctor who told her he has a rule... I don't date women with children. So she chose just to screw him for years instead. So, knowing this, is a woman who would accept a relationship like that a woman with self respect?

[welikeincrowds]

She's a nurse who's divorced with a child. Her f-buddy was a younger, never married doctor who told her he has a rule... I don't date women with children. So she chose just to screw him for years instead. So, knowing this, is a woman who would accept a relationship like that a woman with self respect?

 

He gave her a rule up front, and she agreed. What you don't seem to know is why. It's very possible that she didn't care to have a relationship with him. Meanwhile, for some reason, she cared to have a relationship with you. If it's bothering you, ask her about it and see where that takes you.

[GooseChaser]

If that's how you feel about her value and you want to [attempt to] downgrade the relationship to f-buddies, why don't you have a talk with her, explain this to her, and see what happens?

[Kaplan]

Yeah, just take a lesson from that pervy doctor, if that's what you want.

[GooseChaser]

My last message was a bit tongue in cheek, but seriously, you should really think about this. It would be best to keep the relationship as it is. Do you really want to devalue her and change her from a girlfriend to something lesser? If you really pursue that, be prepared to be kicked to the curb... and for good reason. She has probably learned from her experience with the other man and is no longer willing to have an f-buddy thing going. Besides that, it is very difficult to move backwards in relationships. She may be offended by your idea that she does not deserve a real relationship when you guys have already been in one for a good amount of time.

[Citizen Erased]

So you would have preferred she be a FWB, didn't think she'd be up for it so you call her your gf and then get pissed when you realised you could have just been a FWB?

 

You sound lovely. She's got quite the catch!

[D-Jam]

After dating my girlfriend for nearly a year, I found out that she'd been some guy's f-buddy for more than 2 years. I feel if just sex was okay for the last guy... Why shouldn't I get the same deal?

 

You've dated her for a year...don't you love her or care for her?

 

You need to see her past not as a guy who got a "better deal", but as a mistake she made. Women all the time try to line up a FB or FWB so they can have regular sex and thus keep their boyfriend standards up on high since they won't be missing out on the "needs".

 

BUT...too many get into the FB/FWB thing because the guy won't commit, and she wants him badly as a BF. So she'll sleep with him regularly thinking he'll come around...but they never do.

 

"Once a FB, always a FB." is what I'd tell a woman if she asks how she can get her FB to be the BF.

 

I will say if you view your RL as simply paying more to get laid with her, then you're totally missing the point of it all. Plus if you're going to get jealous or compare yourself to other men she's been with...geez.

 

She picked you...she didn't settle on you. Why question a good thing?

 

 

Her "accepting" of the setup with that guy might have been a desire to change him, but I think it was more out of convenience.

 

Maybe she conveniently wanted to bang him while seeking out a better man...LIKE YOU.

[Eclypse]

Honestly if you feel that you got the weak end of the deal because you're in a loving committed relationship with her instead of just her sex buddy than I really do feel sorry for you. Why did you date her for a year then? I think you should just let her go, and find someone who will fulfill whatever need you want.

[Stockalone]

She's a nurse who's divorced with a child. Her f-buddy was a younger, never married doctor who told her he has a rule... I don't date women with children. So she chose just to screw him for years instead. So, knowing this, is a woman who would accept a relationship like that a woman with self respect?

 

To be honest, I would lose respect for her because I can't consider women like her to be relationship material. Some men have no problem dating women with a past like hers, though.

 

You have to decide where you draw the line. If you can no longer respect her or if you resent her, then you have to break up with her.

[Mutant Debutante]

To be honest, I would lose respect for her because I can't consider women like her to be relationship material. Some men have no problem dating women with a past like hers, though.

 

r.

 

Wha...?

 

She went through a probably emotionally painful divorce, she has a child to take care of, she has a demanding job, she found a way to get physical needs met for a while without getting her emotions hurt again and without having a lot of casual sex with different guys, which is less safe. She didn't lead any guys on while she was still hurting and not ready for romance.

 

Sounds like she was taking care of business, to me.

 

If you don't like her method, that's cool, obviously you don't have to date her... but to lose respect for her as a human being seems kinda harsh.

 

But yeah, OP, if you think that you're the one getting the short end of the stick cause you think of relationships as just working for sex, then you should end the relationship and stop romantically dating women and calling them your girlfriends until you get into a different headspace and figure out what relationships are about. Find yourself your own FB, if you need to, and let your nurse find someone who actually cares about her.

[LiveWell]

I don't have much if any sympathy for OP's gf.

 

What everyone seems to be missing is that evidently she concealed this prior relationship history from the OP. After a year of being together, surely they'd discussed their past relationships?

 

She may have been ashamed and therefore was deceitful. The inference is that as a condition of getting sexual with OP, his gf made him jump through all kinds of "hoops" to get there. She probably made it seem as if she "wasn't that kind of girl" just to have a purely sexual relationship.

 

Subsequently OP found out well, ya know what? She's EXACTLY that kind of girl.

 

OP's gf sounds like a real "user." She used the doctor for sex when that's what she needed; she's using the OP now for emotional sustenance and will no doubt ditch him when "something better" comes along with not a second thought.

 

She sounds like really bad news actually.

[LiveWell]

But she's also committed to a relationship with you, the other guy was someone to screw, nothing more. And its in her past, so not your business.

 

 

So you don't think someone's past relationship history is the "business" of a serious relationship partner?

 

You're entitled to your opinion as to what you feel the need to know about your relationship partners, but you're not entitled to dictate what other people might want to know about their partners.

 

OBVIOUSLY a person's past relationship history is totally relevant to their current partner in a serious relationship.

 

More importantly, it's pretty obvious that there's been some level of deceit/misrepresentation by OP's gf concerning her past.

[GooseChaser]

Misrepresentation by the GF? OP seems like he's been misrepresenting himself just as much as far as his feelings and respect for his GF, if he would have been just as happy having her as an f-buddy.

[atlnay]

I don't have much if any sympathy for OP's gf.

 

What everyone seems to be missing is that evidently she concealed this prior relationship history from the OP.

 

I read all of OPs posts. No where did he state that she concealed anything.

 

After a year of being together, surely they'd discussed their past relationships?

 

 

That's a logical presumption, but maybe they didn't? Maybe he didn't ask the right questions, if any. Maybe she discussed certain aspects of prior relationships in general. Maybe it never really came up.

 

I agree in *most* relationships, people talk about their past, but she could've said, "I just ended things with a guy I was seeing for 2 years" and he could've let it go at that point and never brought the topic up again.

 

Now the question is, why did he just find that out? What brought that conversation up? And how was his reaction to her when he found out and how was hers to him when she told him.

[atlnay]

Misrepresentation by the GF? OP seems like he's been misrepresenting himself just as much as far as his feelings and respect for his GF, if he would have been just as happy having her as an f-buddy.

 

 

EXACTLY.

 

If he wanted an f-buddy, once things started taking a relationship turn (being more intimate emotionally, more exclusive and such) OP should've pulled the reigns and dialed things back and not establish a pattern and confirming the title they now share.

[LiveWell]

She's a nurse who's divorced with a child.

 

Red flag. We don't really know why her marriage failed, do we.

 

 

Her f-buddy was a younger, never married doctor who told her he has a rule... I don't date women with children.

 

LOL, so now meeting somewhere to have sex isn't considered a "date"? What is it, then? OP I believe your gf is lying/gaslighting to you. How did you find out about this prior relationship? Did she come clean voluntarily or was it through some other source? If she came clean, what prompted that confession on her part?

 

If the relationship lasted for two years then I got news for you: your gf was in love with this doctor, she's probably still at least carrying a torch for him, and she doesn't want to tell you that. Women just don't do the FWB/F buddy thing too well. I've never met nor heard of a woman who can have a sexual relationship with a man for two years without being in love with him.

 

What it sounds like she's trying to do is to seriously downplay her emotional investment in her prior relationship. It's unclear why. Maybe she's holding out hope that he'll become available someday? Who knows.

 

The important thing is that she was not forthcoming about this relationship and she is still not being forthcoming with you about it. That's why you feel so uncomfortable and perturbed. What you thought you were getting into with this woman was not the actuality.

 

So she chose just to screw him for years instead.

 

Well that's her story for now, it sounds like she's making stuff up on the fly. It doesn't make sense most likely because you haven't gotten the whole truth.

 

Her sex-only relationship with this doc just doesn't square with the image she's been presenting to you. Something's not right. That's what your sensing. It's not just about your hurt ego or the sex.

 

This is a woman who probably has some serious emotional problems that might not be apparent until you're well into a relationship with her--which is where you are starting to get just about now, after a year in.

 

Red flag one, the divorce. Red flag two, the supposedly unemotional sex-only relationship with a doc who, if she's telling the truth, clearly degraded her by point blank saying she was no good for a true relationship, only for casual sex. And if what she's saying is true she accepted that degradation without blinking an eye.

 

Red flag three, she concealed these issues from you until very recently, selling an image of herself that she wanted you to believe.

 

 

 

So, knowing this, is a woman who would accept a relationship like that a woman with self respect?

 

You can't summarize a complex personality so quickly and easily. There is enough here that you should be very very cautious before getting any deeper into this relationship. Based on what you've said, I would want to know EVERYTHING about this woman's prior relationship history, because if she concealed something like the doctor from you, there's no telling what else she's concealed.

 

Question One would be: Why did she get divorced? And, why did she marry the guy in the first place? What was she like? What was her relationship with her parents like?

 

Of course it may be easier not to bother with all her drama and deceit and no one could blame you if you simply wanted to "move on."

 

Unfortunately no matter how much she might claim to love you and apologize for this stuff (if she even bothers), the "profile" of the woman you are dating is pretty typical of a woman who has either cheated on you already (without you knowing) or will end up doing so, or outright dumping you, when she gets bored of you; or if something better comes along.

[atlnay]

Not to threadjack, but Livewell, you make a TON of presumptions, based on a very limited amount of information and are projecting a HUGE amount of vitriol to this dudes girlfriend...I have to ask...does this hit close to home? Were you in a similar situation?