Let's Compromise

[AverageJoe]

This is in regards to the countless posts I have read here on dating and potential relationships. It leaves me bewildered, sometimes amazed. It is in regards to some women and men who want, or think, they can change the other person and their behavior. Most commonly disguised as compromising.

 

Sometimes women (maybe like you, maybe not) frequently like to change us men, they normally sign off on whatever we do in the beginning. Maybe having a few beers, staying up late, hell many times they may join us out for these activities. Playing pool, watching football games, smoking that bowl or kicking back a few beers with us. Whatever activity it may be at the time.

Then later on when they settle down they decide they dont want to go out anymore, and they dont want you going out anymore either. Even though you may not be going out to pick up chics, maybe just to play pool with the boys. No!

 

It could be a myriad of things. You like hunting, fishing, fixing your car in the garage on the weekend, spending time with your Dad, or any number of other things. All completely innocent pursuits. What is more benign than that? Yet, there are some women who silently tolerate that until one day they get out the toolbox and decide to start fixing us. The radical makeover.

 

Guess what? If that is the case, he is the wrong guy for you. Because that is who he is. For example, I like to sample different cigars. I have a few humidors that I keep around and enjoy a quality cigar. If you dont like that, you have the wrong person. I have a sports package during football season, I love football and on Sundays I invite people over to my home and we watch NFL on a large plasma TV in High Definition picture. We share some laughs, good food, a few beers and we make fun of each other all day long. If someone doesnt like that, I am not the right person for them.

 

So what happens is rather than accepting these characteristics of you, they try to chip away at your identity. It might start with firing up that vacuum about 1pm at kick off, then later leads to trying to get you to give up whatever it is you really have enjoyed doing to begin with. Trying to change a person, their traits, their being, who they are. Slowly grinding away in order to bend things in their favor.

 

Why do some people want to make a relationship work so bad and so desperately they are willing to change who they are? It makes no sense to me. Why? Some may weasel their way into your heart just enough to turn around and find everything you do unacceptable. Really? There wasnt anything wrong with me until I met YOU.

 

Why not just leave and find someone that is compatible? Someone that likes what you like someone that does the things you do, someone more like yourself.

For the gals if you want to find a man that likes Cats, Phantom of the Opera or scrapbooking I can tell you exactly where to find them. Any gay bar.

That is not what straight guys like to do. We just dont.

 

This applies to women as well, dont think I am picking on one gender, I am simply displaying my own personal opinions as a male. I have known men that try this crap too.

In fact if I am with someone that doesnt like what I may do. Dont knuckle under to me, break up with me. If it is that important to you, leave!

 

The more obvious it is you have a problem with him or her, the more obvious this is not the right person for you.

I used to believe the following lie; Relationships require a lot of work. I say, if it requires that much work you are with the wrong person. The more you have to compromise with a person, the more you have to compromise your personality and identity. The more changing of things, the more you have to give up your character, your personality, your being. Who you are!

 

Some people will agree to any crazy compromise just to keep the relationship going only to realize it will fail later on over the same compounded issue down the line. Eventually the toxic waste leaks out and contaminates the entire area. The more compromise you have to do in a relationship the more likely it is your trying to fix a bad brake job. You should simply leave, why in the hell would you possibly stay?

 

I no longer compromise who I am.

 

Do any of you?

 

Sorry for the long post I dont like them either.

[hearttobreak]

Women rarely compromise in my experience. They want what they want or they change partners. Simple as that. Men compromise and "settle". Women,majority of times, do not. Well, that is until their options start to run out and then notice this. Which, at that time, they are elderly and gray and are not as much as appealing as before. Women in the ages of teens through forties which are average or better and in decent shape with a smart head on their shoulders, not so much. Most think, and may be right, that they can always do better.

[brainygirl]

I think that in a relationship, BOTH parties need to adjust somethings. I don't think that means that they stop doing all things they used to completely, but for a pair of people to become a couple, they need to, to a certain extent, leave things in the past and build a future together.

[AverageJoe]

I think that in a relationship, BOTH parties need to adjust somethings. I don't think that means that they stop doing all things they used to completely, but for a pair of people to become a couple, they need to, to a certain extent, leave things in the past and build a future together.

 

Leave things in the past...

Why? Why would someone possibly do this? Does it really come down to that? Again, if someone doesnt like who I am, do not think you can change me. I would never want or expect to change someone else. Why would anyone ever stop being who they are at all? Those that try it end up lying or hiding things just to conceal the very person they are in order to garner adoration from the other. A desperate and misleading move.

[brainygirl]

Leave things in the past...

Why? Why would someone possibly do this? Does it really come down to that? Again, if someone doesnt like who I am, do not think you can change me. I would never want or expect to change someone else. Why would anyone ever stop being who they are at all? Those that try it end up lying or hiding things just to conceal the very person they are in order to garner adoration from the other. A desperate and misleading move.

 

no, but different stages in life have different characteristics. A young, single bachelor's life is going to be different from the same man's life as a career minded adult, or a newly married man, or a new dad.

 

If you are not willing to see THINGS come into and go out of your life, you probably aren't ready to pursue changing your life. THINGS do not make you who you are.

[welikeincrowds]

It is in regards to some women and men who want, or think, they can change the other person and their behavior.

Why do some people want to make a relationship work so bad and so desperately they are willing to change who they are?

You see the inconsistency, no?

 

People do change for other people. You are not precisely the same person when you're with your bros as you are when you're with your girl, or with your grandmother, or when you are alone, are you?

 

People do change for others; it's the nature of being with others. It's a big reason people date in the first place. "I like the person I am when I am with you." Surely you've heard this before?

 

A brilliant friend of mine told me about the ways in which he "molded" his current boyfriend into being more compatible with his preferences. He would simply not respond when his boyfriend did something he found annoying. No attention. And over time, those annoying things went away.

 

For this reason I can't really make sense of your concern/complaint.

 

I guess you're annoyed with people making sticking points out of not sharing irrelevant interests with significant others? Like cigar smoking or going out? Well yes, that's stupid, I agree. But I could be wrong here. Like I said, I just don't see what you're getting at.

[AverageJoe]

no, but different stages in life have different characteristics. A young, single bachelor's life is going to be different from the same man's life as a career minded adult, or a newly married man, or a new dad.

 

 

I am not talking about lifestyle changes.

 

I am talking about why would anyone ever ask or try to change an individual into something they are not, good or bad. Influential behavioral modification. Who has such low self worth they would allow themselves to be modified like that?

[Surrealist]

Guys who like cats = gay? I like Persian cats and have owned a couple and currently in the process of buying one, and mate I am not gay. Trust we don't have to argue the point.

[Titania22]

I am not talking about lifestyle changes.

 

I am talking about why would anyone ever ask or try to change an individual into something they are not, good or bad. Influential behavioral modification. Who has such low self worth they would allow themselves to be modified like that?

 

Actually alot of people have low self worth, even if they wouldn't admit it. It seems to be a rampant problem.

[D-Jam]

Most people want what they can't have.

 

This is why you'll see guys trying desperately to make a bitch into a woman and why you'll see girls trying desperately to make a jerk into a man.

 

Plus...and this is worse...too much of our society has now viewed love as "if it comes too easy, then it's not good"

 

Meaning if there's no level of drama and challenge to it, then it's not a good thing. So Mr or Ms Right can come up to one of these people and be perfect, but will get rejected because the person believes it's not a good thing because it came so easily.

[Banker Chick]

Isn't there some saying about Women marry men hoping they'll change and men marry women hoping they won't change?

 

I think over time it's natural for two people in a relationship to change a little as the other person exposes them to food, culture, travel, and other things they might not have previously experienced but find they like. I think the danger lies in dating someone hoping the core things about them will change.

 

For example, with my most recent ex I didn't find we had a lot of things in common and he didn't really do it for me intellectually. BUT, he is currently going to school and I figured that would change him a little and open him up to new experiences and introduce him to new subjects and topics and we'd finally have some really good conversations ... not the same ones we were always having about sports (yes, I love sports) and other surface stuff. Over time, I realized it wasn't happening. He's just not that type of person. Doesn't make him a bad person, just not the guy for me. When we broke up I explained that I should love him for the person he is now, not the person I'm hoping he'll be.

[Seamless74]

Guys who like cats = gay? I like Persian cats and have owned a couple and currently in the process of buying one, and mate I am not gay. Trust we don't have to argue the point.

 

 

Surrealist Im wouldnt wanna argue with you about being gay... But your avatar is definately GHEY..

 

 

Dude Hear the O.P.'s point loud and clear and i support your efforts to be one of the Zillion males of our species like me who made the promise to lead and uncompromising existence... but if you plan on spending any number of years or decades with the same woman some degradation of your masculinity will be inevitable..

 

The womans the stone the mans the stream they will wear you down.. eventually. Its just the nature of things.. Best thing you can do is make it take along time... and by the time it happens you wont give a **** anyway because youll have more estrogen in you system than testosterone anyway when your like 75

[AverageJoe]

Guys who like cats = gay? I like Persian cats and have owned a couple and currently in the process of buying one, and mate I am not gay. Trust we don't have to argue the point.

 

http://www.broadwaymusicalhome.com/shows/cats.htm

 

The womans the stone the mans the stream they will wear you down.. eventually. Its just the nature of things.. Best thing you can do is make it take along time... and by the time it happens you wont give a **** anyway because youll have more estrogen in you system than testosterone anyway when your like 75

 

To some degree I might agree with that, a very marginal degree for some.

 

However, I refuse to ever allow that. I am me, and you are you. There is nothing more disturbing to me than to see people I know cowtow to every demand in a relationship only to think they will be rewarded in some superfluous manner for their tenious efforts.

 

Over time, I as a person have changed, we all have. But it wasnt due to an outside influence demanding I change who I am, the things I do or the manner I may do them.

But there are people out there that will bend and compromise only to keep up a storyline, a fable of who they really are. The end result will be a complete break from all of the previous bending.

Now some may think I have a "its my way or the highway" attitude. Well, I dont know that I would completely agree with that but there may be some truth to it.

People should stop settling and start giving themselves some goddamn confidence in who they are. If you are with someone and there is something about them that you dont like, they are not for you. Dont think you can change that person into something they are not. Take your lumps and move on, leave. Find someone that you dont have to try and change. You read this kind of stuff here on these very forums all of the time, its prevalent. Why is this behavior acceptable to some only to find out later on things will eventually implode over the very issue in the beginning?

 

He's just not that type of person. Doesn't make him a bad person, just not the guy for me. When we broke up I explained that I should love him for the person he is now, not the person I'm hoping he'll be.

 

I applaud this, its a very good example of what I am talking about. Great post.

[Surrealist]

Surrealist Im wouldnt wanna argue with you about being gay... But your avatar is definately GHEY..

 

 

Dude Hear the O.P.'s point loud and clear and i support your efforts to be one of the Zillion males of our species like me who made the promise to lead and uncompromising existence... but if you plan on spending any number of years or decades with the same woman some degradation of your masculinity will be inevitable..

 

The womans the stone the mans the stream they will wear you down.. eventually. Its just the nature of things.. Best thing you can do is make it take along time... and by the time it happens you wont give a **** anyway because youll have more estrogen in you system than testosterone anyway when your like 75

 

Cool I put some clothes back on - I post on bodybuilding stuff in the physical fitness and health forum as this is an area of interest and hence the 'ghey' avatar pic.

 

I have had the experience you refer to sir, I was married for eight years.

 

Testosterone is a non-issue as my naturally occurring hormone profile seem to favour higher estrogen levels anyway. Provided I'm willing to continue to medicate, my testosterone should remain much higher than my estrogen levels for as many years to come.

 

Thanks for the tips anyway buddy and I do agree with you for the most part, having been there, done that.

[Seamless74]

Cool I put some clothes back on - I post on bodybuilding stuff in the physical fitness and health forum as this is an area of interest and hence the 'ghey' avatar pic.

 

Hey Surrealist... cheers mate... no worries just playin round ive spent the better part of my whole life trying to get that big just not in the cards you look great...

 

 

To some degree I might agree with that, a very marginal degree for some.

 

However, I refuse to ever allow that. I am me, and you are you. There is nothing more disturbing to me than to see people I know cowtow to every demand in a relationship only to think they will be rewarded in some superfluous manner for their tenious efforts.

 

Over time, I as a person have changed, we all have. But it wasnt due to an outside influence demanding I change who I am, the things I do or the manner I may do them.

But there are people out there that will bend and compromise only to keep up a storyline, a fable of who they really are. The end result will be a complete break from all of the previous bending.

Now some may think I have a "its my way or the highway" attitude. Well, I dont know that I would completely agree with that but there may be some truth to it.

People should stop settling and start giving themselves some goddamn confidence in who they are. If you are with someone and there is something about them that you dont like, they are not for you. Dont think you can change that person into something they are not. Take your lumps and move on, leave. Find someone that you dont have to try and change. You read this kind of stuff here on these very forums all of the time, its prevalent. Why is this behavior acceptable to some only to find out later on things will eventually implode over the very issue in the beginning?

 

Average Joe...

 

I cant agree with you more.. I believe in the masculine and not cowtowing to womens demands. Staying true to yourself, your ideals, your individuality I understand what your saying about the dude who cant do anything without clearing it with the wifey first and all that bull****.. But im just saying; If you intend to spend your life with someone and get all teh good parts i.e. warm body in the middle of night, great sex, shoulder to cry on, activity partner, etc...etc.. etc... and expect there to be no compromises or oppurtunity cost your kidding yourself.. The bitching about your cigars, the running the vacuum when your getting ready to watch the game... that **** is just gonna happen part of the deal simple pleasure come with simple annoyances..

 

 

Now if it truly gets to the point where people are trying to actually change other people i.e. their significant others core identity and beliefs well I think we all know where that leads...

 

 

 

 

 

A

[Crazy Magnet]

I certainly don't want to change anybody, but I think there do have to be compromises. How can you get mad at your hypothetical gf/wife for firing up the vacuum at 1pm on a Sunday if that's just when she vacuums and when she vacuumed long before she met you. Why try to change that about her? It's not her fault your happen to watch the game at that time. It goes both ways.

 

I do find a lot of men out there who want to keep their life exactly the same and who want to find a woman to fit in their life rather than making a new life for the two of them together. The men I personally know like this are all still single and nearing 40 which speaks volumes for how successful this "absolutely no change" to life is regarding dating.

 

My BF has his flaws for sure, but for the most part I let him lead his life. I do get on his butt when his flaws (mainly extreme procrastination) starts to encroach on our mutual life together. Otherwise, I accept him the way he is.

[Els]

Firstly, I think many people don't fully show 'who they are' in the beginning. It's completely natural, a part of the honeymoon phase, and most people probably don't even realize they're acting any different despite their best efforts to be honest and upfront. Have you ever ditched your Sunday NFL game for a promising new interest whom you're crazy about, because both of you were unable to meet up the rest of the week and you really wanted to see her? Or perhaps not smoked in front of her much because both of you spent most of your time in non-smoking areas and it didn't strike you as important to tell her about your hobby? Later, when you both spend more time together and you go back to 'normal', or she finds out about you, she will think that you have changed since the time she first knew you. But now she's totally into you, and it isn't as easy as saying, "No, I don't want a second date" anymore. She doesn't think she's trying to change you; she thinks she's trying to get the person she thought you were, back.

 

Secondly, no matter how compatible two people are, I believe compromise is always, always necessary, to have a good relationship with a live-in partner. 'This is what I've always done' is not carte blanche to do whatever you like regardless of the situation. What if her parents are in town for their once-a-year visit and they'd like to have dinner at your place on Sunday? Do you think it would be reasonable to say, "No, I'm having my NFL game with my buddies, you can tell your parents to **** off"? What if she really needs to babysit her sister's baby that day? What if she gets a new job and Sunday is her only day off to spend with you?

[Eeyore79]

For the gals if you want to find a man that likes Cats, Phantom of the Opera or scrapbooking I can tell you exactly where to find them. Any gay bar. That is not what straight guys like to do. We just dont.

 

Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote Cats, and I'm pretty sure he isn't gay. Not every man who likes musical theatre is homosexual - I know a number of guys who have gfs or are married with kids, and they don't just watch musicals, they actually get up on stage and perform in them. Since when is singing and dancing gay?

 

If a woman wants a (straight) guy who likes musical theatre, there's no reason why she can't find one; no matter what your interests are, you can find a compatible partner. Where women go wrong is in choosing a partner who doesn't have the same interests and then trying to make him be interested in the things she likes.