Is ignorance bliss if he returns to w before there's a d-day

October 23, 2010

Scenario here, and curious on bs perspective. If an affair is going on and ws decides he does not plan on leaving his marriage and NC is established so that he can return to his marriage to make an honest effort, is it best to leave the bs in the dark about the affair? If the guilt isn't eating him up and bs is none the wiser, I think ignorance really may be bliss. Granted as the bs, I would want to know irregardless, but consider the trust issues, the anger, the pain, and the fighting that will occur after he has already recommitted. The marriage may have survived the affair otherwise but was destroyed anyway because of the truth. What is really best?

October 23, 2010

Karma, what are you asking here?

October 23, 2010

Karma, what are you asking here?

He wants to make it work. Should he tell her about the affair?

October 23, 2010

He wants to make it work. Should he tell her about the affair?

Does she deserve a right to decide if she wants to stay with him? Or if she wants to take a chance on him cheating again? Why is it always a question of if the BS should be told instead of when should the BS be told?

October 23, 2010

Does she deserve a right to decide if she wants to stay with him? Or if she wants to take a chance on him cheating again? Why is it always a question of if the BS should be told instead of when should the BS be told?

I only ask because I've toyed with the idea of telling her the truth now, even though I've denied it in the past. I think she would want to know, and I know he will never tell. But we are through and I don't think or know if it is my place to do so...and I want to make sure my motives are pure and it's not me trying to sabotage his marriage with any sick sense it would drive him back, because I'm certain it would do quite the opposite.

October 23, 2010

He wants to make it work. Should he tell her about the affair?

He wants to make it work with her? That's what I am assuming you meant and my response is based on that assumption.

If that's the case, it's their situation. It's probably easier for them to make it work if he doesn't disclose the affair. I don't deny you have the power to rock their marriage if you choose to tell her...

10 years later- I am glad I found out about the affair, but at the time, when I found out, it turned my world upsidedown.

Everyone has the right to the truth. Truth of the affair meant leaving him in my case, but I don't wish that pain of knowing on anyone either. I don't think I'd still be with him now if I didn't find out about the affair- but knowing about it brought insurrmountable pain upon me. I almost wish we had ended with me not knowing so I didn't carry around that bitter baggage to this day.

I also don't wish the pain you must be feeling dealing with the fact that he chose to make his marriage work instead of moving forward with you. Losing someone you love isn't easy- and just because the person in question is a MM that chose to have an affair doesn't make your pain less meaningful.

Is your intention to rock their marriage with your armory of affair knowledge?

October 23, 2010

He wants to make it work with her? That's what I am assuming you meant and my response is based on that assumption.

If that's the case, it's their situation. It's probably easier for them to make it work if he doesn't disclose the affair. I don't deny you have the power to rock their marriage if you choose to tell her...

10 years later- I am glad I found out about the affair, but at the time, when I found out, it turned my world upsidedown.

Everyone has the right to the truth. Truth of the affair meant leaving him in my case, but I don't wish that pain of knowing on anyone either. I don't think I'd still be with him now if I didn't find out about the affair- but knowing about it brought insurrmountable pain upon me. I almost wish we had ended with me not knowing so I didn't carry around that bitter baggage to this day.

I also don't wish the pain you must be feeling dealing with the fact that he chose to make his marriage work instead of moving forward with you. Losing someone you love isn't easy- and just because the person in question is a MM that chose to have an affair doesn't make your pain less meaningful.

Is your intention to rock their marriage with your armory of affair knowledge?

I think this answered me for exactly what I needed to hear...that if they are gonna make it work the pain of the truth would be so unbearable and I don't want to put anyone through that. No I absolutely do not want to rock their marriage...I actually forgive and wish him and her the very best...just hate that he continues to live the lie and that leaves him wide open to never take responsibility and possibly do it to her again when things aren't going well. I think their marriage is bad anyway...and likely not to survive long term, but it needs to end on their terms...not by any more of my contributions.

October 23, 2010

I only ask because I've toyed with the idea of telling her the truth now, even though I've denied it in the past. I think she would want to know, and I know he will never tell. But we are through and I don't think or know if it is my place to do so...and I want to make sure my motives are pure and it's not me trying to sabotage his marriage with any sick sense it would drive him back, because I'm certain it would do quite the opposite.

I am not one of those people who feel that motives are the main reason someone should know. It is the opportunity to make informed decisions about one's life is why I think a BS should know. I didn't know about the first, second or third affair. I lived a lie. Each time he decided he wanted to make it work all was well until he felt the urge to screw again. Then again it was all my fault. What was my fault? How did I know what the real problem was? I wouldn't have wasted over 20 years with a liar who exposed me to crazy women, STD's or emotional abuse. I could have made the decision for myself instead of allowing him to keep me on a leash while he explored the world.

October 23, 2010

It isn't up to you to decide what is best for her. After denying and denying to her, ask yourself the true reason. You don't have to answer here, but is it because you want him back? You hope that she'll find out details, the truth of it all and kick him out? Or are you doing this to be fair to her, so she can decide for herself if she truly wants to work on the marriage with the facts from your side.

Look, she knows something right? He's minimized it all. If she calls you, then tell her.

October 23, 2010

I am not one of those people who feel that motives are the main reason someone should know. It is the opportunity to make informed decisions about one's life is why I think a BS should know. I didn't know about the first, second or third affair. I lived a lie. Each time he decided he wanted to make it work all was well until he felt the urge to screw again. Then again it was all my fault. What was my fault? How did I know what the real problem was? I wouldn't have wasted over 20 years with a liar who exposed me to crazy women, STD's or emotional abuse. I could have made the decision for myself instead of allowing him to keep me on a leash while he explored the world.

I think she does have enough knowledge and suspicion to make an educated decision. She can't say for sure when and with who and how long, but the fact he was should be very clear. I think the torrid details may be unnecessary anyway, other than to have the ammo that stops him from being able to deny it any longer and leave doubt in her mind. But woman's intuition is stronger than that.

October 23, 2010

KTD..........based on what I think I remember about your xmm, (that they both had no trust in each other and they both had previous affairs) I think if I were you, I'd leave it alone, unless she contacts you and asks. If asked I'd be truthful.

October 23, 2010

I think this answered me for exactly what I needed to hear...that if they are gonna make it work the pain of the truth would be so unbearable and I don't want to put anyone through that. No I absolutely do not want to rock their marriage...I actually forgive and wish him and her the very best...just hate that he continues to live the lie and that leaves him wide open to never take responsibility and possibly do it to her again when things aren't going well. I think their marriage is bad anyway...and likely not to survive long term, but it needs to end on their terms...not by any more of my contributions.

And that's where you find honour my friend- what you stated is honorable, and you know what? You should be proud of that stand on the situation.

You could rock their marriage- you have the power. There IS honour in choosing not to.

Look, I am a former BS, but I try really hard to be an advocate for women in general. I think women should demand more for themselves. I think OW should demand more out of a relationship, and I feel BS's should do the same.

Often I think that in affair situations, the MM always seems to come out on top while the women seem to suffer. Your MM might have kids and a history- so he chooses the wife. He probably loves both, but when faced with an ultimatem, he chooses the wife. You, as the OW shouldn't hate HER for it- you should blame him because he's the perp. She's been duped as much as you have, ya' know?

I know it sucks ass because you had the benefit of full disclosure- you knew what you were getting into "sort of", knowing he was married. Regardless, he duped you too. I am sure you wouldn't have gotten invoved in the affair had he said from day 1 that he was "happy" and content in his marriage.

OW have that full disclosure advantage that the wife doesn't have- and it's kinda like having a special secret- you're fooled into thinking you have an advantage because you know a secret the wife doesn't.

I'd love to see your MM get what is coming to him- but not at the expense of your feelings or his wife's if that makes sense.

Hold your head high Karma. I know you are hurting, and being an OW doesn't make your hurt deserving- but it is a product of your own ability to make a good choice for yourself. You love(d) someone that wasn't deserving of your trust- and believe me, that is something a lot of us women do.

Keep lamenting girl, it will help. I want you to walk away from this and know how deserving you are of a better relationship.

Cheers,

xo

D

October 23, 2010

Not read any replies Karma. I went NC, and my guy drifted back to his wife and I genuinely hoped and prayed that his near-miss (he was days from moving out and had a massive panic moment, and I got the hump and flounced off'!) would mean he would make a massive effort in his marriage. I believed thorough recovery could only happen if he was honest, but I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt.

When we resumed contact turns out he'd been even more distant emotionally than before. I decided then, pretty much, that if we didn't make it and ge returned to her for any reason, that I'd tell her about the extra-marital relationship because I felt she damn well deserved to know. As it turned out he told her and she definitely knows of me etc. But I would have told her. Maybe to ease my conscience in part. But also because I love this man and believed that without me their slim chance of being remotely happy would require disclosure of the affair.

October 23, 2010

And that's where you find honour my friend- what you stated is honorable, and you know what? You should be proud of that stand on the situation.

You could rock their marriage- you have the power. There IS honour in choosing not to.

Look, I am a former BS, but I try really hard to be an advocate for women in general. I think women should demand more for themselves. I think OW should demand more out of a relationship, and I feel BS's should do the same.

Often I think that in affair situations, the MM always seems to come out on top while the women seem to suffer. Your MM might have kids and a history- so he chooses the wife. He probably loves both, but when faced with an ultimatem, he chooses the wife. You, as the OW shouldn't hate HER for it- you should blame him because he's the perp. She's been duped as much as you have, ya' know?

I know it sucks ass because you had the benefit of full disclosure- you knew what you were getting into "sort of", knowing he was married. Regardless, he duped you too. I am sure you wouldn't have gotten invoved in the affair had he said from day 1 that he was "happy" and content in his marriage.

OW have that full disclosure advantage that the wife doesn't have- and it's kinda like having a special secret- you're fooled into thinking you have an advantage because you know a secret the wife doesn't.

I'd love to see your MM get what is coming to him- but not at the expense of your feelings or his wife's if that makes sense.

Hold your head high Karma. I know you are hurting, and being an OW doesn't make your hurt deserving- but it is a product of your own ability to make a good choice for yourself. You love(d) someone that wasn't deserving of your trust- and believe me, that is something a lot of us women do.

Keep lamenting girl, it will help. I want you to walk away from this and know how deserving you are of a better relationship.

Cheers,
xo
D

Thank you D-Lish. I accept my role and that I am responsible for a large portion of my own pain, but it is my only wish to come out of this with a little salvaged integrity and my head held up high. I could have let it go on. He would have left me waiting for as long as I would have allowed it, but from the moment he said, "I've got 10 years and 4 kids with this woman, and if I can make it work, I will" I knew that was my exit queue. There wasn't a snowball's chance of making anything work as long as he kept turning to me when he should have been giving them that attention. I don't regret it. I did love him and in his own way he was at very minimum addicted to me, but I don't want to be anyone's crutch or the destruction of something he could one day resent me for.

October 23, 2010

As a BS, I would want to know. Otherwise, the rest of my life would be a lie. And, unless the MM was was a sociopath, the guilt of what he had done, the lies that he has lived, would cause so much grief that the truth would eventually come out. I would rather know as soon as possible rather than 5, 10, 20 years down the road....Reconciliation would be almost impossible after that long, knowing how he had duped me out of so many years.

But do it in a way that she knows you are not trying to just say things to hurt her because you are hurting. Do it from a place of love and honesty and respect for her, not for him. She deserves to know.

October 23, 2010

KTD, I wouldn't tell her. If he wants her to know, let him tell her. Chances are she's already figured it out anyway...

October 23, 2010

I think she does have enough knowledge and suspicion to make an educated decision. She can't say for sure when and with who and how long, but the fact he was should be very clear. I think the torrid details may be unnecessary anyway, other than to have the ammo that stops him from being able to deny it any longer and leave doubt in her mind. But woman's intuition is stronger than that.

I didn't figure you would go the route of helping her out, you aren't alone. Most affair partners don't. *shrug*

October 23, 2010

From what you've posted about these two, telling her the truth would just add more fuel to the sick fire they share with one another. I don't think it would have the effect you would like to see, in other words.

October 25, 2010

My 2 cents : I think a BS deserves to know the truth even if it is hurtful, so she can have ALL the cards for making a decision either save the marriage or get out.

I also think a AP should NEVER contact actively a BS and tell about the affair unless it is the BS who calls and ask.

Contacting a BS by your will may cause 2 negative effects :

1- Either she won't believe you (her H will gaslight her that you are crazy)

2- Your MM will never forgive you contacting the BS. You will loose him forever and ever.

October 25, 2010

Scenario here, and curious on bs perspective. If an affair is going on and ws decides he does not plan on leaving his marriage and NC is established so that he can return to his marriage to make an honest effort, is it best to leave the bs in the dark about the affair? If the guilt isn't eating him up and bs is none the wiser, I think ignorance really may be bliss. Granted as the bs, I would want to know irregardless, but consider the trust issues, the anger, the pain, and the fighting that will occur after he has already recommitted. The marriage may have survived the affair otherwise but was destroyed anyway because of the truth. What is really best?

I often think that I wish H hadn't told me about his A, but that's just because it hurt so dammed much. BUT, the telling enabled us both to look at what had gone wrong in our marriage, what had gone wrong with H and what I had done to contribute to our damaged marriage, and then to work on the fixing of it.

Our new relationship is so very strong, I almost found myself thinking that without the A, we might have thrown in the towel and that would be so very hard to deal with. I say almost, as I think the A was so damaging to me, my H and our understanding of what our marriage was. However, things today are just so dammed good and I am glad that H had the cojones to own up to what he had done and that we loved enough to want our relationship to continue.

Not knowing why he had changed and not knowing why he was so bloody awful when the A was ongoing would have resulted in us not moving forward and not encouraging the changes we have made in how we communicate with each other. Our marriage now, is better not because of, but despite the A. What the A did for us, was to make us look at what we had and what we were in danger of losing. So, to answer your question, for me, the telling opened up a can of worms that needed opening. I wish the A hadn't happened, I never expected to hear the I have had an A from my H's lips, but after the anger and hurt had settled, I am glad that he did (tell I mean, not have an A). I also want to add, that without trust, I wouldn't be here.

Edited October 25, 2010 by seren
Comment in brackets for clarity

October 25, 2010

KTD..........based on what I think I remember about your xmm, (that they both had no trust in each other and they both had previous affairs) I think if I were you, I'd leave it alone, unless she contacts you and asks. If asked I'd be truthful.

I agree with this.

Don't contact them any more...stay removed from both of their lives.

IF she contacts you again...tell her the truth...once. Be completely open and honest, answer her questions, and then make sure that she remains out of your life from that point forward, right alongside him.

October 25, 2010

I agree with this.

Don't contact them any more...stay removed from both of their lives.

IF she contacts you again...tell her the truth...once. Be completely open and honest, answer her questions, and then make sure that she remains out of your life from that point forward, right alongside him.

This is exactly what I was going to tell you Karma. Given your particular situation it is best to remove yourself from it all the way. If one day W decides to reach out to you then do tell the truth but that is the only situation where you need to be involved in their M at this point.

As a BS I would want to know and I am glad I found out....but given your MMs sordid M and drama I would forget about it all together. Move on with your life and enjoy your freedom from this mess. To be honest I doubt you will be his last A anyway.. and you weren't his first either. Let this burden be on his next OW. Wash your hands of it and enjoy your life.

October 25, 2010

I only ask because I've toyed with the idea of telling her the truth now, even though I've denied it in the past. I think she would want to know, and I know he will never tell. But we are through and I don't think or know if it is my place to do so...and I want to make sure my motives are pure and it's not me trying to sabotage his marriage with any sick sense it would drive him back, because I'm certain it would do quite the opposite.

And with all due respect, you are going to look like a waterdown psycho if after lying to her, all of the sudden you want to deliver her any truth. Yes, in their eyes, you will look like you are trying to sabotage their M because you are raged that he didn't oick you and in fact wants to work on his "M".

Why are you wasting all this energy on them gain? Why not keep it moving with some grace and let them deal with their isssues? The truth will always come out.

October 25, 2010

My 2 cents : I think a BS deserves to know the truth even if it is hurtful, so she can have ALL the cards for making a decision either save the marriage or get out.

I also think a AP should NEVER contact actively a BS and tell about the affair unless it is the BS who calls and ask.
Contacting a BS by your will may cause 2 negative effects :
1- Either she won't believe you (her H will gaslight her that you are crazy)
2- Your MM will never forgive you contacting the BS. You will loose him forever and ever.

Here are my 2 cents as well....I did make the mistake of knocking on my xMW's door and H did find out about us. This happened Nov of '08 and looking back it's clear to me that she definitely played me down as a friend and it was a EA. She even said her H said I looked like a crazy guy. All I wanted was an honest answer. I also know she puts blame on me...she even said she would have been out sooner if I didn't create that mess. HMMMMM funny she's still there today.

I also got word that she told her sister and nieces about me and they all thought why would you want to be with a guy like that if you have one at home like that already. So if I were to do it again.....I would have never knocked on the door.....just walk away and establish NC. It's her marriage as she seems fit to address.

I walked away from my marriage on my own.

October 25, 2010

I agree with this.

Don't contact them any more...stay removed from both of their lives.

IF she contacts you again...tell her the truth...once. Be completely open and honest, answer her questions, and then make sure that she remains out of your life from that point forward, right alongside him.

This is my plan to the T. Disconnect! Must stay disconnected! I'm trying....so hard. I've exceeded my longest NC thus far and it feels like a success from the smallest achievment that it is. Almost two weeks. Woohoo. It's not getting any easier yet though, I will say that.

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Is ignorance bliss if he returns to w before there's a d-day

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