tbird509 Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 i work with my ex in spa,salon...so we pass eachother 50 plus times through the day.i recently broke my hand and wont be back to work for 6weeks...my question is,how do i act when i get back to work,things ended in july,got back together for 3weeks in august and that lasted till sept..she said her feelings werent the same.since then ive been doing everything wrong by chasing her,calling,texting,writing letters etc...i know i did everything wrong but i just dont know how to act when i get back...she obviously knows i want it to work.so do i just keep things short and say hi when we pass eachother,do i go completely out of my way to ignore her?tell me what you think,i need some good advice in the worst way
Trovador Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Same case her, although we don't bump into each other so frequently... I tried NC, LC, friendship, you name it... nothing worked out... we always ended talking and we always ended fighting again... But there is something I'd like to pinpoint. Most times we went NC it was her who sabotaged it, by talking, smiling, touching me or acting as if nothing was happening... So, we kept talking as friends and I started to pull away, I never called - texted her, visited her, nothing at all, she did all the work while I continued going away from her. At first I was pretending but later it was real. I didn't care anymore. We fought again and this time it was NC for good. Until she contacted me and said she was willing to give us another chance. I don't know how to tell her that I don't want that anymore. See? It's possible to maintain light contact (because NC is hard to keep in the same workplace) while you try to dettach emotionally from her. Let her do all the contact. That's what worked out for me.
Author tbird509 Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 so trovador im guessing when you say you did nc,you completely ignored her at work? and when you did little contact,you just acted like you didnt care anymore and that made her think twice about breaking up with you,and by that time it was to late cause you moved on?
lapse Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 so trovador im guessing when you say you did nc,you completely ignored her at work? and when you did little contact,you just acted like you didnt care anymore and that made her think twice about breaking up with you,and by that time it was to late cause you moved on? Isn't that always how it happens? By the time they roll back this way, you've come to your sense. You know, I first heard that perfectly stated in the movie Swingers. That is a great breakup movie... there's that line and then the following: Dumpee: How did you get over it? How long did it take? Friend: How did you get over it? How long did it take? I don't know. Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It's like... You wake up every day, it hurts a little bit less, then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is... This is kinda weird, but it's like... you almost miss that pain. Dumpee: You miss the pain? Friend: Yeah, for the same reason that you miss her. Because you... you lived with it for so long.
Trovador Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Sometimes I plainly ignored her, but most times I greeted her formally, "good morning", "good evening" etc... I think this ambiguity has a lot to do with the outcome of all this... While we were "friends" she started to act very interested in me, she got jealous (I talked to other girls) and very inquisitive about my activities, but remember, all this time I was pulling away, for real, not just implementing a strategy or pulling a trick.. To be honest, she seemed as she was falling in love again but I wanted myself out of the whole thing. So we fought, we both said this time was for real and we went NC. This time I even didn't care about greeting formally or not. I don't remember how I acted. I only know that I didn't want to see her or talk to her. And after about a week she called and told me that, well, she wants another chance. Right now I have my phone off because I don't want to talk to her. I guess I was too much into getting over her that I didn't considere this turn of events.
Don Ho Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Well, you broke your hand so you get a 6 week break! Do NC the whole time. By the time you get back, you'll be much less emotional so it should be a bit easier. When you do, just be cordial and professional. No personal talk and talking about your relationship.
Author tbird509 Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 don ho, your right,i guess ill have to man up,act like nothing is bothering me,act happy(even though im not) and act is if i dont care anymore.ive been doing no contact since i havent been at work,but when i see her its like i get weak and just want to talk about us,even though ive already made that mistake and i know when i bring up us,she gets pushed away.so i guess ill take the advice to keep it short and sweet,ive told her i would never wana be just friends,so its time to play it cool and show her what she's missing
Trovador Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Don't play it, man... games are won and lost and you might lose this one... Better try it with all your heart and don't pretend to teach her a lesson or show her anything... Remember, they smell our fears and weaknesses...
paleblue Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 i work with mine. altho i dont have to pass by her. my suggestion, immediately STOP all attempts at communicating with her. drop it. take your 6 weeks and use it as a break to get your head together and your hand. when you go back to work, as hard as it is right now, you dont talk to her about anything personal. you keep it business only. smile, laugh, be cordial. say hi. be business like. just like any one of your other co-workers. but do not make any attempts at rekindling anything. dont stare at her, oogle at her, give off vibes like you want something, nothing. just like you said, keep it short, and say hi when you pass by, and thats it. repeat after me, thats it. you will only look like a jackass ignoring her in this situation because you pass by each other all day and have to be friendly. there is no sense in making a tense situation, worse by ignoring her. just be friendly when you have to and nothing more. that is my best advice to survive this.
Author tbird509 Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 so trovador,basically you wanted to get over this girl,you faked it in the begining,you were still talking to her as a friend at work,and all you had your mind on was getting over this girl and moving on because you didnt think she'd take you back?then the next thing you know,you actually did stop caring and thats when she could fell that you didnt want her anymore,you stopped chasing her and you were over her for real,and next thing you know,she called you wanting another chance?in my situation i do want this girl back in the worst way,and ive did all the wrong things by telling her i love her,she's the one,im not gona stop loving her,buying flowers,letters and showing up at her house...i let my emotions get control of me,but know im doing alot better,so like i said,she knows i want to be with her,and im just not sure how to play it when i return to work in 5weeks.at first she was telling me time will tell,she misses me,buts it to soon to do anything about it yet,and she told me dont worry,she'd date enough douche bags and realize what we have(as far as i know she's been on 2 casual dates with 2 different people,just going to watch live bands)but last time we talked(2 weeks ago) she's saying she's not coming back and their isnt anymore chances.so the advice i need is how do i act towards her when i return?even though she's saying she's done,im havent thrown in the towel yet,ive lost alot of hope,but still theirs a slight possibility cause i know she loves me and still cares,its the spark and the in love that have faded.so wutcha think? anybody have good advice? she's28 and im 32
Trovador Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 NC with my ex was hard because of the closeness, but even then I didn't want her back and I didn't want to be friends (That's what NC is for), so we were back in contact but I didn't do anything for the so called friendship. Nor a single call or text. I kept pulling away. I am aware I was using her to get over. And she seemed in love with me again. But this was no trick or game. I really wanted out of the relationship. Well, we fought a day and I took my cue. We said no more. I was sure this time it was real because there was no way I was contacting her again. About a week later she called asking for another chance to be together. That was all. I am not glad or reivindicated or anything. I am out. It was no strategy to get her back and it shouldn't be inferred that this might get the same result if some other person did the same. There's no trick to make someone to love you. Just improve yourself and be the best guy around and maybe, just maybe, some girl will make eyes at you. -peace
Don Ho Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Tbird, what Trovador is saying is that you not only have to act like you let her go, you have to actually LET HER GO. You will not get better nor move on unless you let go. You cannot use the idea of letting go with idea that doing that will win her back. It is not a pretend game. It just doesn't work that way. You have to move on with your life. It is very, very likely that she will not come back once you move on. You have to really sit down with yourself and admit and accept that it is OVER. So far you're not willing to do that. Your choice Bro, accept or continue your anguish. You've got 5 weeks to not be around her or have contact. I suggest you really work hard on letting go, accepting it, getting really busy and moving on with your life. Do it for YOU, not for the hope that doing it will win her back. It won't.
Trovador Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Tbird, I just had the last conversation with my ex... I'm not getting back together and I don't want to be friends... I just told her that she might call me once in a while and talk about 10 minutes. I also told her that she shouldn't expect any kind of contact from me ever... I never lied to myself and I didn't expect this was going to happen. I decided to move on, for my own good, and I did it. I repeat, it was no game, trick or strategy. If I had could I'd have gone full NC... Let her go, say hi when you run into her and the rest of the time go NC. Otherwise, brace yourself for the crash of your life and it will be worse than the b/u itself. We are too old to play games (I played the playstation though)
Author tbird509 Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 don ho and trovador,i really appreciate your advice...it means alot,and as much as i dont want to give up on her,their really isnt many options so im in a no win situation and it looks like the only thing to do is move on,only then might the working things out possibility be an option,but all ive been doing is improving myself and i guess thats all i should be worried about right now...thanx for the advice,im always open for the truth even if it hurts and burns
Don Ho Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Well Bro, it will hurt and burn way more if you continue "hope" that you will get back together or "win" her back. We're trying to save you some of the anguish we've been through.
Author tbird509 Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 your right don,i guess when i give up hope and accept she's not coming back that'll make it easier to move on.i was planning on sending a letter to our work saying some last things to get it off my chest,not the best idea i know,but it'll make me feel better knowing i did all that i could and expressed how i feel before i just give up.im not someone to give up,but in this battle im only fighting myself and i know if she wanted it to work,she would be coming after me which isnt the case.
Don Ho Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 your right don,i guess when i give up hope and accept she's not coming back that'll make it easier to move on.i was planning on sending a letter to our work saying some last things to get it off my chest,not the best idea i know,but it'll make me feel better knowing i did all that i could and expressed how i feel before i just give up.im not someone to give up,but in this battle im only fighting myself and i know if she wanted it to work,she would be coming after me which isnt the case. NO!!! You are NOT going to send any such letter, email, text or anything! Geez. Are you a total pussy? It will not make you feel better, you will ultimately feel like a fool, wish you hadn't and then you will have to face her. Fck, I don't know WTH you guys get this idea that you should write them and tell them "how you feel" and "get it off your chest". Bro. When a woman breaks up with you, then you have one thing left: YOUR DIGNITY. Do not give that to her too. Now you have a perfect reason BC of your broken hand to take 5 weeks to get over her some more and get your life back on track. Do not contact her! Did you hear me? DO NOT contact her. Don't come back here in a few days and say you just had to contact her or I'm sending the Pussy Police to your house to kick your a$$.
Author tbird509 Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 don,i love the advise and your right,i went from being a total ladies man and having women fall at my feet,to becoming a pussy cause i got dumped,i need to get back in touch with the real me and thats a guy who doesnt care about others think,this love thing is getting the best of me,and what i didnt state before is i took her for granted and didnt care that much until she got fed up with my b.s. thats when i realized how good i had it,when it was to late,im the type you dont realize what you have till its gone...so im chalking this one up as a loss for now,i do want her back but im not sitting around waiting for her either,ive been blessed with good looks and im in good shape(6'3 185) ive just had my fair share of beautiful women and this one was the best off all of them,i just had my own hangups going into our relationship from the begining and now im just looking to improve myself for myself,and because she see's me daily,it'll be up to her to take notice and if she doesnt,she knows im a hot commodity and i will have endless options,i also realize she will to,so i will keep you updated...thanx for the response boss
Don Ho Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 don,i love the advise and your right,i went from being a total ladies man and having women fall at my feet,to becoming a pussy cause i got dumped I bet you became a pussy before you got dumped and didn't even realize it. We're a lot alike in one regard, I have a tendency to take them for granted too and when they bail it's too late. I think it's a tricky line between not being a pussy or a doormat and giving them just enough love and attention to keep them around. How's the saying go? Treat 'em like **** and tell 'em you love 'em? LOL. Anyway. You have 5 weeks Bro to work on yourself and get in a better position. You should do that for YOU never with the idea that she will notice and reconsider you. If you have endless options, I recommend that you exercise a couple of them.
skydiveaddict Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Use your six weeks to find a different job, away from her
Author tbird509 Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 one thing i have to admit is i was never a pussy in my relationship,it was always my way or the highway,and i didnt give a **** what she thought,i was the love of her life and just took her for granted.the person who cares least controls the relationship,and that was me...im mad at myself because she was something every guy would want,but i didnt realize it till she left.ive met plenty of women in the last 2weeks of no contact,but im just not into them no matter how good looking they are....i shop at the top and dont settle for anything less,but i just want my ex back...i am working on myself and fixing my flaws,but im not gona lie,i hope she see's that im improving myself.at the end of the day i know i ***ed up and thats the worst part of all of it...ive got nobody to blame but myself,which is a lesson learned,NEVER take someone you love for granted because no matter how much they love you,they can only take so much
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