20Seconds Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I'm into day 2 of NC and I feel rubbish. I removed MM from my FB friends when I e-mailed him to say I wanted to go NC and today he's blocked me completely. I know this will be for the best because we have friends in common and I don;t want to be seeing him around, nor him me, I guess. I feel a real urge at the moment to tell other people about the A - people that know him. I suppose this is a normal feeling to have right now but I don;t know whether it's for the best? I just feel the need to confide in someone who knew him as well...this is what people do in normal relationships but is it the right thing to do in an A?
jthorne Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Hmm, well I can say from experience as someone who had a so-called "friend" out my past to some mutual friends (some that know his W), it wasn't a pleasant experience. There will be people that will not be supportive of you at all. (Not all, of course.) Others may have a different perspective, but if you are doing this in an attempt to get sympathy or to make people take sides, I think you would be better served getting support elsewhere, such as counseling (or here).
Author 20Seconds Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 Others may have a different perspective, but if you are doing this in an attempt to get sympathy or to make people take sides, I think you would be better served getting support elsewhere, such as counseling (or here). I suppose both of those things sort of figure in there somewhere. The people who know MM in common with me are all work colleagues. It's not a huge workplace and I know there were some rumours going round to begin with, so it probably wouldn't come as a surprise to most people. None of them would have any contact with or know his W. One of the reasons I would like to tell someone is because there is a chance he could come back to the place where I work andif that were likely, I would value time to prepare myself. At least one person might be able to support me in that if I asked him, as he would know in advance of it happening. I have confided in several non-work friends during the course of the A, but none of them know MM, and I haven;t told anyone yet that MM and I have split. I am also definitely considering the counselling route.
anne1707 Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 If there is somebody at work who you can trust then it may be worth telling them so that if you need an ally at any time you have one. I did this after my affair ended because I worked with the ex-OM (and still do ) and it did help having somebody I could let off steam to when the ex-OM tried to play games with me. The person I spoke to also acted as someone I could talk to in work social events that I had to go to so I could avoid others more easily. But you do have to pick wisely and I would not recommend telling several people.
Author 20Seconds Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 Thanks Anne There is one other thing that is really tempting me at the moment. There is one person at work who has known MM for quite a long time, before he ever came to work in the same place as me. I have a really strong need to know "the truth" about MM - whether he has lied to me about certain things - and this person could give me a different picture. But I don;t like the idea of putting him on the spot, it seems unfair - and that is definitely asking him to take sides. I need to get out of this mindset and be able not to care, but right now, I feel like I need so many answers. I also feel a need to validate my choice to break up with him, I suppose.
anne1707 Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I would not recommend that. I know I had to walk a fine line at times when I spoke to this colleague because he had to work with the ex-OM too. I needed his support but I did not want to take advantage or put him in a difficult situation.
lilbunny Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I dreaded telling a close friend at work. I knew I could trust her, but I was worried that she might have a lower opinion of me. She got it out of me when things were at their worst and it worked out well for me. She had a pretty good idea because she was a fOW who had ended up married to the MM she was in the A with and at least had some idea what I was going through. I would be very careful and try to confide in one of your friends rather than someone who may be on the fence, it has to be someone you are sure is in your corner. My friend knows the MM but is my friend if that makes sense. She doesn't work with MM on anything and I knew with certainty she wouldn't tell anyone else. Tell someone who can support you if you feel it would help, but be careful if it is to dig for answers, it could backfire and you need to focus on you. I understand exactly why, there are lots of answers I would like too, but only mm can really give them and even then could I trust them?
hopesndreams Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I feel a real urge at the moment to tell other people about the A - people that know him. Go right ahead!! Gives his W chance to kick him to the curb..where he belongs. It also shows what a snake in the grass you are. Win/win.
jthorne Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I feel a real urge at the moment to tell other people about the A - people that know him. Go right ahead!! Gives his W chance to kick him to the curb..where he belongs. It also shows what a snake in the grass you are. Win/win. Come to think of it, you're right. Too bad my "outing" happened long after things were over. I felt my outing was done to embarrass me, not him. I was thinking bass akwards.
jj33 Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Its only day 2. The need for revenge will pass and you will be glad you didnt start a whole lot of drama and out yourself to people who will very likely judge you and very possibly wont see it as clearly as you do. Ive told people and with the exception of people who I had to tell to protect myself have been VERY sorry because they do not look at me in the same way. Bad move on my part. Very very bad move. Tell people who know you and love you but not people who know him. Dont try to tell people in an attempt to sway public opinion. 99% of the time it backfires in some way. I know you are hurting. It will get better in time.
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 But I don;t like the idea of putting him on the spot, it seems unfair - and that is definitely asking him to take sides. If you are ready to own your part in choosing to have an affair with the MM and are ready to possibly have some reaction, possible fallouts with mutual friends (and yes, people will pick sides, even more so if they are friendly with his wife too) then tell. But, you are right, you telling is forcing him to pick sides and put him in a spot. Is it fair to drag another person into this so you can get closure and get answers? Honestly, I don't think it's worth telling the mutual friends since they didn't know before, while the A was on going, to tell them now that it's over is just not right. TAKE time to think about this before you spill it.
Author 20Seconds Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 Thanks jj33 and Whichway. I am angry and yes I am still feeling hurt and whatever I do right now will be motivated by those feelings. There is no chance he will be reappearing in my life before Xmas if at all, so I have time to get this out of my system a bit. What is the best way to deal with all the anger I feel? I just sat in the bath and shouted at him. Hope the neighbours didn't hear
spice4life Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 (edited) If you are ready to own your part in choosing to have an affair with the MM and are ready to possibly have some reaction, possible fallouts with mutual friends (and yes, people will pick sides, even more so if they are friendly with his wife too) then tell. But, you are right, you telling is forcing him to pick sides and put him in a spot. Is it fair to drag another person into this so you can get closure and get answers? Honestly, I don't think it's worth telling the mutual friends since they didn't know before, while the A was on going, to tell them now that it's over is just not right. TAKE time to think about this before you spill it. 20seconds, this excellent advice. Plus, no matter who you tell, even if it is the strictest of confidence, they will still tell at least one other person. And then they will tell someone etc. It will always be under the guise of "this is in strict confidence so tell no one". That never works because they will tell at least one other person. And if these people work with you then do the math. And there is a pretty good chance they will judge you. I made that mistake once with someone I thought I could trust at work and sure enough, they ended up judging me. It became a very sticky situation. I wouldn't recommend telling people at work because you never know which way the wind will blow on that one. It's good that you won't be seeing him for a while. It will give your anger some time to settle down. Whenever I am feeling emotional and get an overwhelming urge to do something I sleep on it first. I end up thanking God the next morning that I didn't act on it...lol. Edited October 22, 2010 by spice4life
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Thanks jj33 and Whichway. I am angry and yes I am still feeling hurt and whatever I do right now will be motivated by those feelings. There is no chance he will be reappearing in my life before Xmas if at all, so I have time to get this out of my system a bit. What is the best way to deal with all the anger I feel? I just sat in the bath and shouted at him. Hope the neighbours didn't hear Vent it out. Write in a journal, write here, write to him (but don't send to him, ever!! this is for theraputic reasons ONLY, don't even do it in email form, do it in Microsoft word or something like that) being good is angry, it keeps you realistic and on your toes. And, will help you detach, maybe care a little less about what he's doing.
awkward Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Don't tell anyone that you can't trust 100% to be discreet.
spice4life Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Vent it out. Write in a journal, write here, write to him (but don't send to him, ever!! this is for theraputic reasons ONLY, don't even do it in email form, do it in Microsoft word or something like that) being good is angry, it keeps you realistic and on your toes. And, will help you detach, maybe care a little less about what he's doing. This is excellent advice again. Way to go whichway. Venting it out in a journal works wonders. By the time you get to the bottom you come up with some really clear answers. I definitely agree to not do in email form - even if it's in draft. There is always a chance, after a glass of wine or two, you will move it out of draft and send the darn thing.
Author 20Seconds Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 I will try the journal thing, thank you. I just have so much in my head, it feels like its going to explode most of the time. But, I've felt better this evening. I've been able to be distracted, had a nice time. Ive got one good friend at work who I trust 100% and she knew about the A right from the start. She saw me going to meet MM one evening and she knew how happy I was when I was with him and she's never, ever judged me. I will tell her next week. I feel like the anger is subsiding now but I feel remorseful at finishing with him in such an abrupt way. I just couldn;t take it anymore though.
pureinheart Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 I'm into day 2 of NC and I feel rubbish. I removed MM from my FB friends when I e-mailed him to say I wanted to go NC and today he's blocked me completely. I know this will be for the best because we have friends in common and I don;t want to be seeing him around, nor him me, I guess. I feel a real urge at the moment to tell other people about the A - people that know him. I suppose this is a normal feeling to have right now but I don;t know whether it's for the best? I just feel the need to confide in someone who knew him as well...this is what people do in normal relationships but is it the right thing to do in an A? Everyone reacts differently...your hurting, period. Personally, the rule of thumb is to not do anything behind emotions such as those. I wouldn't tell anyone, don't lash out if you can help it. This is where it's at 20...you can go NC, you can take him out of this, that and the other thing....BUT, he is still in your heart and this is the main reason NC fails moreso than not. I am not a real big fan of NC, I suggest it if there is abuse involved, but personally I don't think it works. I think a person must be entirely ready for such a challenge. Most are unable to handle the NC, then break it, then feel like failures afterwards...somewhat the same feelings as quitting smoking... This is how I think it should be (I did not and was not able to, so I am giving you advice based on my failure), if you say it, mean it (NC) and do it. If you fail he will know he can break you down and you will end up in a cycle...it's awful IMO. Now you must keep your word of NC. I told exDM NOT to contact me unless he was separated and getting a D...I did stick to that, but afterwards when the spearation did go down he messed with me priddy bad emotionally and I did not stick to my word and have not been able to since. Keep your boundries, with everyone in your life for that matter...be strong and hold tight... One of the main reasons I did not lash out with exDM is it would have made me look bad...I had to bite my tongue, but in the long run I knew the truth and the truth has set me free. Good fortune to you my friend....the worst is over and the best is yet to come...fill your mind and Spirit with possitive things and eliminate the negative!
Author 20Seconds Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 I told exDM NOT to contact me unless he was separated and getting a D... I have not told him that. I told him this was not working for me at the moment (we were on LC, but not out of choice as such, since he had left my workplace unexpectedly) and that I suggested we stop all contact for the foreseeable future. It was not about him leaving his W or not, it was because he had some contact online - which he described as a "silly joke" - with an OOW and then refused to talk to me about it. I know I am at risk of breaking NC but I actually have no idea if he will, because only he knows whether the contact with OOW was really nothing, whether he was trying to move on, or whether he just wanted to have a bit more cake alongside the two pieces he already had The two things I have to remember are that 1) in his head, despite saying he was committed to me, he saw nothing wrong with adding a woman he didn't know to his FB friends list (he sometimes did this before, which I never felt comfortable about), and then having some, albeit possibly insignificant, contact with her behind my back 2) when I challenged him about it, and told him I found it unacceptable, he refused to speak to me about it These things had nothing to do with his W, they were to do with our R, and that is why I decided enough was enough. I doubt I would have gone NC regarding him leaving his W. At the moment, I very much doubt I will break NC, unless it is to break his balls. Which is mostly how I feel right now. I just need to get through the anger, the need to know the truth, etc and from time to time, I can feel myself wavering on that score.
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 It was not about him leaving his W or not, it was because he had some contact online - which he described as a "silly joke" - with an OOW and then refused to talk to me about it. He thinks it's none of your business. What he does, who he talks to etc. He isn't obligated to you. I know I am at risk of breaking NC but I actually have no idea if he will, because only he knows whether the contact with OOW was really nothing, whether he was trying to move on, or whether he just wanted to have a bit more cake alongside the two pieces he already had Yes, only HE knows the truth behind this matter, and the OOW. 1) in his head, despite saying he was committed to me, he saw nothing wrong with adding a woman he didn't know to his FB friends list (he sometimes did this before, which I never felt comfortable about), and then having some, albeit possibly insignificant, contact with her behind my back But he ISN'T committed to you. He has a wife and he's not committed to her. He said vows to her, and he can't even hold that up. He is saying one thing and doing/meaning another. HE isn't obligated to you. Keep in mind you KNOW he's capable of lying and cheating, hense you having an affair with him. TO think that he wouldn't do the same to you is foolish. Deep down you KNOW so listen to your gut. 2) when I challenged him about it, and told him I found it unacceptable, he refused to speak to me about it He thinks it's none of your business and doesn't feel he owes you an explantion or a discussion. All this does is push him away and reaffairm in HIS mind that he wants things simple and doesn't want to deal with hassel or drama. Which is probably why he's trolling around and flirting with other women. Look, he is going to do what he's going to do whether you like it or not. These things had nothing to do with his W, they were to do with our R, and that is why I decided enough was enough. I doubt I would have gone NC regarding him leaving his W. You want him to be committed to you, but he can't give you that. He can't even commit to his wife! At the moment, I very much doubt I will break NC, unless it is to break his balls. Which is mostly how I feel right now. DO NOT break contact. Stay in NC mode. Even to break his balls, don't do it. I just need to get through the anger, the need to know the truth, etc and from time to time, I can feel myself wavering on that score. Reality - He's married and is used to cheating, with you, with others, who knows how many times he's done this throughout his marriage. He's a DOG and not worth your time or effort. No more tears, he isn't worthy of them.
Recommended Posts