Honest about the state of the marriage?

[alittlejaded]

A question for all of you OP. Do you ever wonder if you MS is being completely honest with you when it comes to the relationship they have with their spouse? How do you know for sure that they aren't just out to have their cake and eat it, too?

 

My dad and mom have been married for close to 40 years. They were always affectionate to each other and no one would have suspected that there was any trouble. I lived there, so I know the relationship was good.

 

My mother told me a couple of years back that my dad had an ongoing affair for close to 2 years when us kids were younger. My mom said that she didn't find out about it until after the fact when the OW contacted her. My father had told this woman that their relationship was ending and that my mom was a horrible wife and mother. My mom was completely blindsided so she decided to invite the OW over for dinner and let my dad explain to both of them what was going on. Haha-- I wish I was old enough to remember that one!

 

Mom said that she came over and completely surprised my dad. At this point, he had to fess up. He said he was in fact very happy in his marriage and never for once honestly thought he would leave. This was news to the OW as he had told her otherwise. He basically strung this gal along until he decided he had gotten what he needed out of the relationship. The excitement of "newness" finally wore off and he was finished. "I got tired of having 2 wives"-- famous quote. So, in one shot, my father managed to let both women know where he really stood. He had been lying to the OW the entire time to get what he wanted because that is what she "needed" to hear, not how he truly felt.

 

Interestingly enough, my mom and her kept in contact with each other and are now pretty good friends. My mom never blamed her for the A because she could tell that she was just as blindsided as her on a lot of things my dad did. She was lied to and manipulated to think that the marriage was headed for failure. She has since remarried to a very nice guy.

 

Now to my dad. With everything out in the open and my mom fully aware of his behavior, he has been the most faithful of husbands. My mom said they talked a lot about it and it took some time for her to really trust him again, but he was willing to do it to secure the marriage. Mom said that there isn't a day where dad doesn't tell her exactly where he is going, how long he will be there, and who he will be with. She never had to ask him to do this, he just does it on his own. Perhaps he is afraid of who might come to dinner next!

 

I guess where I am getting at is that perhaps the BS is not that bad of a person after all, maybe potentially the nicest person you will ever meet. Just wondering how many of you currently in this situation really know what is going on in the marriage? Do you take what the CS says at face value, or do you do some investigation on your own to understand the other person involved here (because whether you like to admit it or not, they are an unwilling participant)? I am just wondering as I have gotten to know my dad's OW very well over the years (without knowing she was), and she is a loving, kind, and smart woman. I know with all of my heart that she wasn't out to hurt my mom-- she just didn't know her.

[BB07]

Gotta love that story about your mother inviting the OW to dinner. :lmao:

[spice4life]

A question for all of you OP. Do you ever wonder if you MS is being completely honest with you when it comes to the relationship they have with their spouse? How do you know for sure that they aren't just out to have their cake and eat it, too?

 

My dad and mom have been married for close to 40 years. They were always affectionate to each other and no one would have suspected that there was any trouble. I lived there, so I know the relationship was good.

 

My mother told me a couple of years back that my dad had an ongoing affair for close to 2 years when us kids were younger. My mom said that she didn't find out about it until after the fact when the OW contacted her. My father had told this woman that their relationship was ending and that my mom was a horrible wife and mother. My mom was completely blindsided so she decided to invite the OW over for dinner and let my dad explain to both of them what was going on. Haha-- I wish I was old enough to remember that one!

 

Mom said that she came over and completely surprised my dad. At this point, he had to fess up. He said he was in fact very happy in his marriage and never for once honestly thought he would leave. This was news to the OW as he had told her otherwise. He basically strung this gal along until he decided he had gotten what he needed out of the relationship. The excitement of "newness" finally wore off and he was finished. "I got tired of having 2 wives"-- famous quote. So, in one shot, my father managed to let both women know where he really stood. He had been lying to the OW the entire time to get what he wanted because that is what she "needed" to hear, not how he truly felt.

 

Interestingly enough, my mom and her kept in contact with each other and are now pretty good friends. My mom never blamed her for the A because she could tell that she was just as blindsided as her on a lot of things my dad did. She was lied to and manipulated to think that the marriage was headed for failure. She has since remarried to a very nice guy.

 

Now to my dad. With everything out in the open and my mom fully aware of his behavior, he has been the most faithful of husbands. My mom said they talked a lot about it and it took some time for her to really trust him again, but he was willing to do it to secure the marriage. Mom said that there isn't a day where dad doesn't tell her exactly where he is going, how long he will be there, and who he will be with. She never had to ask him to do this, he just does it on his own. Perhaps he is afraid of who might come to dinner next!

 

I guess where I am getting at is that perhaps the BS is not that bad of a person after all, maybe potentially the nicest person you will ever meet. Just wondering how many of you currently in this situation really know what is going on in the marriage? Do you take what the CS says at face value, or do you do some investigation on your own to understand the other person involved here (because whether you like to admit it or not, they are an unwilling participant)? I am just wondering as I have gotten to know my dad's OW very well over the years (without knowing she was), and she is a loving, kind, and smart woman. I know with all of my heart that she wasn't out to hurt my mom-- she just didn't know her.

 

Wow. What a nice post! I don't have anything to add; just wanted to say it was nice. It goes to show that everyone is human, can make mistakes and come out better for it in the end.

[2sure]

When a married person is having a secret affair - no matter what reasons they give or have - they are actively lying to a degree and with such effort and fabrication to someone...

 

That I find it difficult to understand how an affair partner can decide they are being truthful to them.

 

Logistics alone tells one that the OW is even more easily deceived than a BS.

[quankanne]

sounds like the key players involved wanted what was best for your parents' marriage – all accepted what happened and then acted accordingly. TBH, I can't help but admire someone who realized she was in the wrong for stepping out with a married man go the extra mile to ensure that the marriage (once she knew the facts) was made first priority. And yeah, I can see how she and your mom became good friends after that.

 

I think the stories that drive me nuts are the ones I hear about affair partners who, despite proof otherwise, choose to believe that their behavior is right and continue to pursue an improper relationship with the married person. It might be love, yes, but it doesn't say a whole lot about respecting boundaries once you realize they exist!

[woinlove]

Gotta love that story about your mother inviting the OW to dinner. :lmao:

 

I'll second that. What a way to get things out in the open and bring closure and honesty to others.

[KarmasTestDummy]

I believe with my ex mm it was half truths. He made bs out to be horrible. I tried to investigate myself, but the only access I had was to her public facebook...and even her status updates were very mild. She was a sahm, so they consisted of things like my vacuum went out and my OCD is killing me, or painting daughter's room this week...etc. I took the signs that all his family was on her fb as her putting on a good wifey show...but they never posted back and forth to eachother and there were no family pics, just of the kids. I believed him that there were no dynamics or love left in the M. He always said she was one way in public for appearance sake and another in person. I've seen crazy mean texts she has sent him and him replying "leave me alone you psycho bi*ch". Perhaps aside from embellishment some of the lies were lies of omission on his role in the marriage disaster. There was no trust on either side. Each were always going through the others phone records, emails, computers, etc. He said she had affairs before him but of course I knew he wasn't being innocent either, so to know what came first, the chicken or the egg is a mute point. She wrote me while we were still together and I denied at his request...out of loyalty to him and wanting to safe our R....but there are times I wish I could take my response back...be truthful and get to the bottom of the facts, but at this point he has made his decision to work on his m and I made the decision not to interfere despite him wanting To string me along just in case...so going back, contacting her and giving the full truth (which I know he will never do) is pointless. If he makes an honest go, maybe they can salvage things anyway, and just tuck the lie under their seats and not let it impact their future. My role is over...how he chooses to be honest with his w and save face is his burden to bare.

[woinlove]

I believe with my ex mm it was half truths. He made bs out to be horrible. I tried to investigate myself, but the only access I had was to her public facebook...and even her status updates were very mild. She was a sahm, so they consisted of things like my vacuum went out and my OCD is killing me, or painting daughter's room this week...etc. I took the signs that all his family was on her fb as her putting on a good wifey show...but they never posted back and forth to eachother and there were no family pics, just of the kids. I believed him that there were no dynamics or love left in the M. He always said she was one way in public for appearance sake and another in person. I've seen crazy mean texts she has sent him and him replying "leave me alone you psycho bi*ch". Perhaps aside from embellishment some of the lies were lies of omission on his role in the marriage disaster. There was no trust on either side. Each were always going through the others phone records, emails, computers, etc. He said she had affairs before him but of course I knew he wasn't being innocent either, so to know what came first, the chicken or the egg is a mute point. She wrote me while we were still together and I denied at his request...out of loyalty to him and wanting to safe our R....but there are times I wish I could take my response back...be truthful and get to the bottom of the facts, but at this point he has made his decision to work on his m and I made the decision not to interfere despite him wanting To string me along just in case...so going back, contacting her and giving the full truth (which I know he will never do) is pointless. If he makes an honest go, maybe they can salvage things anyway, and just tuck the lie under their seats and not let it impact their future. My role is over...how he chooses to be honest with his w and save face is his burden to bare.

 

Your post and the OP bring up an interesting point about the role of the OW. While I've never felt it was the responsibility of the OW to give the BW the truth, if not directly asked, this thread gives an example of a positive result for all involved because the OW did just that. Another current thread by Lachicauna, gives an example of the OW first lying to her and then giving her proof of her H's continuing contact. Again, it seems that the BS, Lachicauna, has forgiven the OW and is acting on the information she gave her.

 

So, it does seem that the fOW can help others by being honest. I'm not sure this is always the case though. If the fOW is not believed, I wonder if it has a negative effect.

[alittlejaded]

Wow-- there is some good responses. Please, keep posting!

 

I think the OW really truly loved my dad. I think she would have been a good step-mom, my mom admits that. Us kids were in the dark the whole time so there was never any instance of passing judgment. We just knew she was a loyal friend to my mom and treated us like nieces and nephew.

 

I asked my mom if it was awkward being in the same room with both of them over the years, and mom said that it was a friendship that grew gradually over time. But I did notice that she only called for my mom and never once came over to the house when my mom wasn't home. She showed a great deal of respect for my mom and must value their friendship. My dad did apologize to her-- my mom wouldn't have it any other way. They can all sit in the same room now and have coffee and chat and you wouldn't be the wiser. My mom understands why my dad was attracted to her-- she has some amazing qualities, but my mom does, too.

 

I understand that there might be situations where the BS is not a good marriage partner. You have to wonder why they just don't leave. From a kid's perspective, I think if I grew up in a volatile environment and one of my parents got out of the marriage, I would be heartbroken at first but come to some understanding when I can see that my parents are better people apart then they were together. Perhaps there are some CS that are scared to leave because of the kids, but kids are resilient. In the end, happier parents make happier children.

[alittlejaded]

Your post and the OP bring up an interesting point about the role of the OW. While I've never felt it was the responsibility of the OW to give the BW the truth, if not directly asked, this thread gives an example of a positive result for all involved because the OW did just that. Another current thread by Lachicauna, gives an example of the OW first lying to her and then giving her proof of her H's continuing contact. Again, it seems that the BS, Lachicauna, has forgiven the OW and is acting on the information she gave her.

 

So, it does seem that the fOW can help others by being honest. I'm not sure this is always the case though. If the fOW is not believed, I wonder if it has a negative effect.

 

 

I think this is why my mom brought all three of them together-- to get the truth for her and the OW.

 

I am sure there are many OW on this forum that would like to know. I guess it depends if the BS is willing as well. Perhaps it's in how you approach the BS. When my dad's OW first contacted my mom, the first words out of her mouth was something like "I am very truly sorry for needing to contact you like this, but I believe we are both entitled to the truth..."

[alittlejaded]

Oh, and I forgot to add that she saw her in person and did not do it over the phone

[KarmasTestDummy]

Your post and the OP bring up an interesting point about the role of the OW. While I've never felt it was the responsibility of the OW to give the BW the truth, if not directly asked, this thread gives an example of a positive result for all involved because the OW did just that. Another current thread by Lachicauna, gives an example of the OW first lying to her and then giving her proof of her H's continuing contact. Again, it seems that the BS, Lachicauna, has forgiven the OW and is acting on the information she gave her.

 

So, it does seem that the fOW can help others by being honest. I'm not sure this is always the case though. If the fOW is not believed, I wonder if it has a negative effect.

 

Yes but isn't it possible ignorance is bliss if the mm reconcile's his feelings and puts forth the effort. Sometimes the effort is being made but it is the newfound distrust and accusations that end up being the demise of the M anyway.

[KarmasTestDummy]

I think this is why my mom brought all three of them together-- to get the truth for her and the OW.

 

I am sure there are many OW on this forum that would like to know. I guess it depends if the BS is willing as well. Perhaps it's in how you approach the BS. When my dad's OW first contacted my mom, the first words out of her mouth was something like "I am very truly sorry for needing to contact you like this, but I believe we are both entitled to the truth..."

 

I think in My situation my ex mm would have walked in the door, threw up his hands and walked right back out. No way would he be a willing participant to the scrutiny.

[20Seconds]

"I got tired of having 2 wives"-- famous quote.

 

 

You know what, I could just hear exMM saying that now.

 

Whenever I wanted to "talk" to him about something I'm upset about (to do with our relationship, not life in general) - I sound just like his BW.

 

They were always having "talks" about stuff.

 

He didn;t dare make calls to me or text me because she had access to his phone records. He stopped spending on his CC because she would have seen the entries. Despite that he told me she "knew" about our A.

 

What a life, huh? It must take so much energy to keep all the balls up in the air, when the OW starts to try and make her needs known, she sonds juts like a wife.

 

No wonder he was off fishing for cheap thrills with an OOW.

 

Are these men such utter babies that they do not understand how an adult relationship works?

 

If you don;t want to be committed to anyone, why not just get a D and go sleep with 20 women a week?!!

[awkward]

Thanks for sharing such a great story.

 

It's too bad that many of the OP's and BS's are pitted against each other from the beginning by the liar/cheater. The truth can be so freeing.

 

As time goes by you can see where the BS's tend to shift the focus off the OP and the OP's tend to shift the focus off the BS. I think with time and the truth people start to see that the deceiver preferred them blaming each other. It is so much easier for them when they are the victim of a bad marriage/bunny boiling OP.

[Katharin Clifton]

I think your mom is so cool for the way she handled your dad!

Way to go, Mom!!!!