lilmizsara Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 We are in our 20s and my boyfriend is 8 yrs older. We are both from very conservative asian countries. I'm still a virgin, my bf isnt, he lost it to his very very first ex gf when he was abt 23. I was really affected by this cause: 1) I hold virginity in high regard and only believe in losing it to someone already married. at least, i used to. 2) I had this thing about pre-marital sex. at least, used to. anyway, i was really upset my bf didnt wait for someone special later in his life. well, he used to be a very "anyhow" kinda guy. no strong opinions on things and allowed ppl to do whatever to him. all 4 of his exes dumped him and he didnt bothered to do anything abt it cause he felt that he didnt need to =/ anyway the girl that he did with, already lost her virginity to some other guys so im sure she didnt see it a big deal to have sex with him. and she cheated on him with other men. from what he says abt her, she doesnt sound like a nice, decent girl with principles and used to belittle him in public and stuff like that. he said he stayed with her cause he at that time thought they would be together for life. and he did it cause, sometimes urges are difficult to control so he wanted it himself. and i highly doubt he has strong opinions on things like this. they were together for 2 yrs before she left him for someone else. He told me their relationship was not based on love but more on the fact that she had a troubled, wrecked life and being housemates, he helped her out alot. So lots of situational factors were at play when they did it. my ultimate concern now is that i won't feel special doing it with him at all. =/ No, I don't think he would compare me with his ex. cause well, he admitted the first time he did it with her, he couldnt get high at all, it was embarrassing and all. But he does get super duper high when we are just naughty touching or heavy petting. or just simply making out. And i'm quite sexually imaginative in bed so im confident im able to satisfy him. And well.. if this helps, he says his ex was obese and kinda ugly. If this is anything to compare against, i'm already more attractive physically. I'm being very objective about this. It's his past and it's none of my business. I should focus on the now. And, my bf has been one of the best men I've ever seen. He takes really good care of me, and is the kind of guy I've been always waiting for. When I got really upset abt this issue, he said he could give me time to come to terms with it, but that I couldn't break up with him, cause I am special to him. And I'm not like other girls. That he's always been waiting for someone like me, there can never be a number 2 anymore and he can't lose me. He's already talking about marriage and all. And I know ppl aren't perfect. I probably was waiting for this 100% perfect guy and didnt get it which was why i was upset, but now ive realised even great men make their mistakes. I'm getting ok over the days. But still, when I think about it at times, I get really upset and ask myself why he must have done those stuff in the past. That someone has been in my place before, how can I ever be special anymore, if we do it for the first time in future, it wouldnt feel great? I dont want it to affect our rlshp. And thats' the reason why I dont bring it up and he too doesnt talk abt it cause he doesnt want me to be upset. And he was upset and sorry that i was so affected by it, and kept askin me what he could do to make me feel better. Anyway, What can I tell myself to come to better terms with it? Cause I really want to get past this minor issue and move on.
BlackLovely Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Remind yourself that it is minor and you want to get past it. What does it matter what he did in the past? He's with you now. I respect your beliefs, but you must understand that in 2010, it's very hard to find a man who has not had sex.
Author lilmizsara Posted October 24, 2010 Author Posted October 24, 2010 That's true. Well, yup I have to keep constantly reminding myself! Sometimes I brood on those thoughts and get really really upset. And I'm abit upset that even someone so decent like him, well, yar, has a sort of past like that. True, hard to find a man whos not had sex.. I totally understand that. But kinda sad though, really.
denise_xo Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Remind yourself that it is minor and you want to get past it. What does it matter what he did in the past? He's with you now. This. If the two of you really love each other and want to be together, you are both going to savour your first experience together and hopefully also the ones that follow 100% perfect people don't exist (including yourself). We all have to go through a sorting process where we decide what are deal breakers, what are desirables, and what are issue that can be compromised on. You need to decide which category this belongs to, and then move on based on that. At the end of the day, the issue is really up to you and you have to decide if it's worth foregoing him over this - because this is history and there is nothing he can do to go back and change his past. It is part of him and comes with the package. Accept him, or let him go.
Author lilmizsara Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 This. If the two of you really love each other and want to be together, you are both going to savour your first experience together and hopefully also the ones that follow 100% perfect people don't exist (including yourself). We all have to go through a sorting process where we decide what are deal breakers, what are desirables, and what are issue that can be compromised on. You need to decide which category this belongs to, and then move on based on that. At the end of the day, the issue is really up to you and you have to decide if it's worth foregoing him over this - because this is history and there is nothing he can do to go back and change his past. It is part of him and comes with the package. Accept him, or let him go. Yup. agreed I cant change it, he cant. no one can. see, even if i leave or sth, its still gonna be there. its not like it can be erased if i do sth. theres nothing that can be done abt it. im guessing this is a issue that can be compromised on. i rarely compromise on my principles, especially ones that i feel very strongly for. i never budge when it comes to them. but i think its worth doing it this once. with regards to ur first para, i do hope we can! cause i still have those images of him doing it with his ex and it troubles me a little. removes abit from the "feeling special" bit.
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