Author lapse Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 New here but definitely can relate to this post....my fiance and I have been going in a big a** circle for 4 yrs now and its soooo frustrating cause you can almost time this shyt. I'm emotionally drained and have completely disconnected myself from the whole thing. The first few times I had hope but now I'm just like numb to the whole ordeal. This type of relationship or whatever you want to call it rollercoaster is not healthy. I think I'm just at the point now where I'm like que sera. I have completely stopped planning my wedding at this point and I just know what has to be done but I cannot fix my lips to say it. My actions though are telling us both and although its gonna sting I gotta let this mess burn. Oh, faithfulbarbie. I'm sorry you're going through it, too. You can just about time it, can't you? I was checking to make sure it didn't correlate too tightly with my menstrual cycles. LOL It wasn't me, though, even if I did want it to be so that I could control it and make it better. There was no way out for me other than leaving the relationship "or whatever you call it" (that ^ made me laugh). Anyway, I hope you'll share your story and I hope you're doing well. You sound strong.
Author lapse Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 I'm really glad to hear you're enjoying your new place...and your new-found peace. Yes, of course, you still think about him - that's just normal. As you said, no one just walks away from a relationship and stops thinking about it. I think you're doing great. But, oh yes, you can count on the fact that he'll be contacting you at some point. He's going to wait until you're certain you'll never hear from him again. haha. I hope you'll stay in touch and keep us posted as to how you're doing. haha Why do you say that he'll wait until I'm certain I'll never hear from him again? I'd assume at that point that the other person had moved on. heh I will definitely keep you posted. Thanks again.
Angel1111 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 haha Why do you say that he'll wait until I'm certain I'll never hear from him again? I'd assume at that point that the other person had moved on. heh I will definitely keep you posted. Thanks again. It's just part of the game. I'm not talking about a long time - maybe 2 wks, something like that. Enjoy your new space! [double meaning fully intended]
Author lapse Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 (edited) OK, I'm pissed again. Dude's parents helped me move and also went with me when I got my new couch. They insisted on buying me a new mattress because my old one had roughed it in storage. His parents are wonderful. As already noted, they have been very supportive of my dependent and me. However, this evening they came over to bring me my new mattresses and mentioned that Dude had called them and said that obviously [my dependent] is still mad at him. Long story short: Dude and I bought a horse trailer together. Trailer is in dude's name because his interest rate would be better. Nonetheless, I make all the payments on the trailer. With the trailer, we bought a generator. Dependent (really, she's not dependent any more - she's 19 now lol) was loading up to take the horse trailer somewhere this weekend and had to go over to Dude's garage to get the generator. The thing is heavy and I wasn't over there so she was wrestling with it and couldn't get it on the truck. Dude comes out of his house and asks her if she wants help. She says "No" and he starts asking about how far she's going, etc, showing a renewed interest in her riding (which he has complained about nonstop for 2 years, after being highly supportive of it initially). She ignores him, but he asks again, so she answers, gets in the truck, and leaves. She tells me about this. Anyway, I get there and help her load it and leave. So fast-forward to his dad getting here. He says, "You know, I'm not involved in this and I don't care either way" (his parents have tried hard not to be in the middle, have said that... said they didn't want to be involved and they loved all 3 of us) "BUT... if I were [dependent], I'd at least fake it a little bit. I mean someone you share equipment with... you know. And she uses his driveway to get to the barn. It's a good idea for her to at least pretend to be nice to him. At least a little." She didn't do anything mean - she just wouldn't engage and she ignored him. Well. What his dad said irked me. I have the utmost respect for his parents and I know that they have no idea how ugly it got, but I got the uncomfortable feeling I used to get when Dude was prodding me. It was like he had an emotional cattle prod he'd poke me with to make me dance around trying to appease him. So. I told his parents... "Here's the thing. Dude has been a jerk to us for about 2 years now. She's not mad at him because of me. She's mad at him because he was mean to her. And I will not ask her to be nice to him. He earned that. If he wants her to involve him again, it's up to him to make amends." You see, I feel bad because his parents have been very good to her and me. However, I will not back down on this. It brought back all of the feelings I used to have... all the times I had to suggest to my dependent that we do something a little differently so as not to 'hurt' dude's feelings. I will absolutely not tell her to be nice to him. I had to do this a couple of times after we got back together and I'm never doing it again. In the last 3 months, he had started treating her (trying to do the mindf**k on her) that he did to me. He even tried to turn me against her, and suggested that she was manipulating me. This is precisely what really opened up the End. *I*, I'm sorry to say, could take it, but the day he started putting it on her, that was it. I tried to have a family meeting when I realized how bad it had gotten, to try to re-establish respect for each other, but he blew up at her... he said the nastiest things, used tactics that I thought were reserved for me. The mofeker accused her... eh, it's a long story, but let's just say she won't forget it. She and I decided to move her to an apartment nearby to get her out of the scene. She despises him. That weekend he was telling me he really wanted to smooth things over and apologize to her. He never did. And when I asked him about it he said, "She's a hard person to apologize to." And he has the nerve to say, "I guess she's still mad at me...?" Seriously. Dude. Nothing's changed... why would she no longer be "mad" (an understatement) at you? Anyway, I called his mom because I wanted her to know I really love them, that it has nothing to do with them, but that I just won't dance for their son any more. And I won't ask my sister to, either. I explained that I understand that they love him and don't ever expect anything else, but that I don't think they have any idea how ugly he became. She started talking about how he's been under all this stress at work. They don't get it. And I understand that. They're his parents. However, I feel like they took sides there... they said they wish they hadn't mentioned it, that he really hadn't said anything to them about it. But obviously he did or they wouldn't have known there was a tense interaction. At this point, he knows that his parents are his only way to get at us again. And his dad - and I know his dad did this 'innocently', with the best of intentions as it were - suggested exactly what Dude wanted him to suggest... that we cowtow around his mofeking son again. I don't think so. I'm effing done. With the dance. (Here I am pissed off, though... but that's as far as I'm going with it... screaming into the inter-verse.) I am tempted to shoot Dude an email and tell him that if he ever holds the horse trailer over our heads or implies anything about it, I'll stop making the payments and get one in my name. But I'm not going to email him. He wanted a reaction. I thought I'd vent here instead. Seriously, though. I really want to unload what I think of him now. I don't care what he says or does. It is not in his best interest to hold that one piece of equipment over my head. I'm only paying for it because I agreed to. I can get a cheaper trailer that is better suited for what we're doing, but I won't because I said from the get-go I was handling the horse trailer. But I'm not if he tries to keep us entangled because of it. Oooh. Long post. I feel better now. Really. Edited October 29, 2010 by lapse
FaithfulBarbie87 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Oh, faithfulbarbie. I'm sorry you're going through it, too. You can just about time it, can't you? I was checking to make sure it didn't correlate too tightly with my menstrual cycles. LOL It wasn't me, though, even if I did want it to be so that I could control it and make it better. There was no way out for me other than leaving the relationship "or whatever you call it" (that ^ made me laugh). Anyway, I hope you'll share your story and I hope you're doing well. You sound strong. Thanks a million! If you guys can enjoy a trilogy then sure Ill share my story lol. I'm doing well nevatheless, keeping super busy. Gotta stay strong to keep myself from snapping. Now if only I could find the strength to pack up his things...lmao
9Lives Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I posted this over on Second Chances, but no one has responded, probably because it's looking like there aren't going to be any more chances (this would have been like 19th chance...). I would really like some feedback. The short version is this: I was with a guy for almost 4 years. We moved in together pretty quickly and have had problems ever since. I have broken up with him and started looking for a place to move countless times, but every time I did we negotiated and got back together, resolving that we would try harder. It just doesn't work. I've never been with someone who criticized me so much. I don't even understand why I want to be with him still. Has anyone else broken up when neither party actually wants to break up, but you just give up anyway? This is really rough. ----------------longer version----------------------- I met a guy about 4 years ago and a few months later we moved in together. I had a dependent, not someone who was my child, but who I essentially adopted. He was very into her and he and his family were very supportive of her, as well - financially and emotionally. About 10 months after we met, this guy proposed. We had had some problems and a few months before - shortly after I moved in - I noticed he had been messaging people on an online dating site. This was not the last time this happened - he did this many of the times we broke up over the next couple of years. Apparently no meetings, but it was a huge betrayal nonetheless. We hadn't met on a dating site, so I was actually a bit bothered that he had an account at all. The first time he did this, I thought about leaving, slept on the couch, we made up, etc., but the trust was broken. A few months later, we thought the kinks had worked themselves out and he proposed. Nonetheless, this guy continued to be extremely critical of me... one example that he belabored for years to come was that I "shut him out" during a hike we went on. I told him I just wanted to put my headphones on and focus on working my muscles for a few mins to break a sweat (this was about 15 mins out of a 3.5 hour hike that I focused on me). On the drive home he gave me the cold shoulder and I got frustrated and broke my date to go out to dinner with his parents and him that night. From then on, he complained that "we can't do anything together" - according to him, I am always abandoning him. Case in point, the hike. Oh! How I have heard about that Hike! Also, pretty soon he started complaining about how he had taken x amount of money to do y and he didn't see us making sacrifices for him. I thought it was great that he was so supportive of my dependent and me, but we were fine before him and didn't ask him to make those financial sacrifices. I was pretty surprised and a little leary, actually. While I used to appreciate the things he did, I do not any more because he constantly brings them up as examples of how we have abused him... "pressured him" into doing things he didn't want to do. It's so weird. I don't see it at all. Anyway, over the years we have broken up countless times. I'd say about every 2 months. I want nothing more than peace and stability. He claims he wants the same, but he criticizes so much and I just cannot take it. As soon as I change something (e.g., sharing my budget with him or saving money more, etc.), he moves on to criticizing something else. Inevitably, I can't take it any more and break up with him but cannot stand the feeling of being without him. I really wanted it to work and loved him. We have always gotten back together within a week to 2 weeks and we've always been extremely relieved, etc. But then the crap starts again. The last couple of times we've broken up he said, "You do this and then you never move..." and the reason I haven't moved is usually because he initiates these negotiation conversations. We broke up a few weeks ago and I've signed a lease and am moving out by the end of the month. I know it's the right thing. I just don't feel it's the right thing. He has talked to me some and I have been civil, but gawd, I'm angry and hurt. When he asked me what I'd do differently I told him I just don't think we're right for each other and that I tried too hard. Anyway, I was sad, but solid up until a few days ago when he came up and knocked on my door and asked me to give him some feedback on some innocuous idea he had for one of his vehicles. He also asked if we could go on a road trip together and said he wants to be friends... that I know him better than anyone and he doesn't even have any other real friends. This kinda made me think that he was seeing if we could work things out again by trying to do something together. The next day I signed a lease, went home, and made us both a drink and toasted to the closure, and burst out in tears. Ridiculous! Anyway, his response to my leaving was "Oh, that will be exciting" and explained that he thought it would be exciting for me, etc. He then kept offering to help me move. I'm not letting him help me move. Geez. I'm truly mystified by his desire to be friends. I said I thought being friends would be difficult and he said, "Well, I don't think we'll be double dating any time soon, but..." Here's the thing - every amicable conversation we have leaves me doubting and hurting over what I know I have to do. When I asked him how he was doing with things, he said he still would love nothing more than to be able to work it out, but he has accepted that we would never work out. I said that, though I'm moving and know it's the right thing, it doesn't feel right... and he said it did [feel pretty right] to him... the idea that we could live separately and be happy and "still have a casual conversation here and there" seemed good. That really hurt - I'm dam distraught right now! So I got fed up and called him yesterday and told him that this suggestion that we be friends was not doable for me... that I was not leaving because I wanted to, but because I had to and that every conversation we have only makes it more painful. As always (dude loves to co-opt my feelings) he said it made it worse for him, too. So I told him maybe a year or so from now, perhaps we could be friends, but not now. Of course, he called again an hour later and I didn't answer and avoided him last night. Soon I'll be moving. I hope I'm relieved and that this sense of loss gets better, not worse. I'm still scared I'd try again. Part of me is afraid he would too and the other part is afraid that he is truly done. So confused! Thanks for reading and please do let me know what you think of any or all of the above... what a cycle! And every time I'm about to break it (I've never been this close... having signed a lease, etc.) I choke and flounder and get this deep sense of loss and emptiness. I totally respect a woman who can make a tough decision despite her@feelings. It shows strength and maturity and a sign of better things to come. I'm sure u have made mistakes in this relationship too but at the end of the day....its just not working and u don't have to put up with it anymore. I was weak and keep tryying and trying and it didn't get better and I wind up so hurt. Sometimes it just won't gel. It won't come together. Don't feel bad..u tried and sounds like he did too. It could be that u are ying but he is not yang. I don't know but be strong..try to ignore your feelings and do what u know is right for your future.
Author lapse Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 Thanks a million! If you guys can enjoy a trilogy then sure Ill share my story lol. I'm doing well nevatheless, keeping super busy. Gotta stay strong to keep myself from snapping. Now if only I could find the strength to pack up his things...lmao Bring it! All about some sharing... especially if you can relate. I feel a bit the odd one out around here, as I'm pining because I had to break up with him because I couldn't meet his constant demands. BF didn't cheat per se, just a constant onslaught of verbal betrayal! Are you gonna pack him up and kick him out? lol
Author lapse Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 I totally respect a woman who can make a tough decision despite her@feelings. It shows strength and maturity and a sign of better things to come. I'm sure u have made mistakes in this relationship too but at the end of the day....its just not working and u don't have to put up with it anymore. I was weak and keep tryying and trying and it didn't get better and I wind up so hurt. Sometimes it just won't gel. It won't come together. Don't feel bad..u tried and sounds like he did too. It could be that u are ying but he is not yang. I don't know but be strong..try to ignore your feelings and do what u know is right for your future. Thanks 9Lives. It is true that somehow you sometimes have to leave your atmosphere entirely for your life to open up again. I was wasting so much energy on that relationship. Now I waste some recovering... I occasionally wonder, when reading others' posts of pain, if there were a pill that could erase our feelings associated with someone, how many of us would take it. I actually wouldn't. There were a couple of guys in my past that I would have forgotten if I could. ha For the most part, though, this is all about growing. Every day in every way, getting better and better.
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