Breaking up when you don't want to, but it's just not working?

[lapse]

I posted this over on Second Chances, but no one has responded, probably because it's looking like there aren't going to be any more chances (this would have been like 19th chance...). I would really like some feedback. The short version is this: I was with a guy for almost 4 years. We moved in together pretty quickly and have had problems ever since. I have broken up with him and started looking for a place to move countless times, but every time I did we negotiated and got back together, resolving that we would try harder. It just doesn't work. I've never been with someone who criticized me so much. I don't even understand why I want to be with him still. Has anyone else broken up when neither party actually wants to break up, but you just give up anyway? This is really rough.

 

----------------longer version-----------------------

 

I met a guy about 4 years ago and a few months later we moved in together. I had a dependent, not someone who was my child, but who I essentially adopted. He was very into her and he and his family were very supportive of her, as well - financially and emotionally. About 10 months after we met, this guy proposed. We had had some problems and a few months before - shortly after I moved in - I noticed he had been messaging people on an online dating site. This was not the last time this happened - he did this many of the times we broke up over the next couple of years. Apparently no meetings, but it was a huge betrayal nonetheless. We hadn't met on a dating site, so I was actually a bit bothered that he had an account at all. The first time he did this, I thought about leaving, slept on the couch, we made up, etc., but the trust was broken. A few months later, we thought the kinks had worked themselves out and he proposed.

 

Nonetheless, this guy continued to be extremely critical of me... one example that he belabored for years to come was that I "shut him out" during a hike we went on. I told him I just wanted to put my headphones on and focus on working my muscles for a few mins to break a sweat (this was about 15 mins out of a 3.5 hour hike that I focused on me). On the drive home he gave me the cold shoulder and I got frustrated and broke my date to go out to dinner with his parents and him that night. From then on, he complained that "we can't do anything together" - according to him, I am always abandoning him. Case in point, the hike. Oh! How I have heard about that Hike!

 

Also, pretty soon he started complaining about how he had taken x amount of money to do y and he didn't see us making sacrifices for him. I thought it was great that he was so supportive of my dependent and me, but we were fine before him and didn't ask him to make those financial sacrifices. I was pretty surprised and a little leary, actually. While I used to appreciate the things he did, I do not any more because he constantly brings them up as examples of how we have abused him... "pressured him" into doing things he didn't want to do. It's so weird. I don't see it at all.

 

Anyway, over the years we have broken up countless times. I'd say about every 2 months. I want nothing more than peace and stability. He claims he wants the same, but he criticizes so much and I just cannot take it. As soon as I change something (e.g., sharing my budget with him or saving money more, etc.), he moves on to criticizing something else. Inevitably, I can't take it any more and break up with him but cannot stand the feeling of being without him. I really wanted it to work and loved him. We have always gotten back together within a week to 2 weeks and we've always been extremely relieved, etc. But then the crap starts again. The last couple of times we've broken up he said, "You do this and then you never move..." and the reason I haven't moved is usually because he initiates these negotiation conversations.

 

We broke up a few weeks ago and I've signed a lease and am moving out by the end of the month. I know it's the right thing. I just don't feel it's the right thing. He has talked to me some and I have been civil, but gawd, I'm angry and hurt. When he asked me what I'd do differently I told him I just don't think we're right for each other and that I tried too hard. Anyway, I was sad, but solid up until a few days ago when he came up and knocked on my door and asked me to give him some feedback on some innocuous idea he had for one of his vehicles. He also asked if we could go on a road trip together and said he wants to be friends... that I know him better than anyone and he doesn't even have any other real friends.

 

This kinda made me think that he was seeing if we could work things out again by trying to do something together. The next day I signed a lease, went home, and made us both a drink and toasted to the closure, and burst out in tears. Ridiculous! Anyway, his response to my leaving was "Oh, that will be exciting" and explained that he thought it would be exciting for me, etc. He then kept offering to help me move. I'm not letting him help me move. Geez.

 

I'm truly mystified by his desire to be friends. I said I thought being friends would be difficult and he said, "Well, I don't think we'll be double dating any time soon, but..." Here's the thing - every amicable conversation we have leaves me doubting and hurting over what I know I have to do. When I asked him how he was doing with things, he said he still would love nothing more than to be able to work it out, but he has accepted that we would never work out. I said that, though I'm moving and know it's the right thing, it doesn't feel right... and he said it did [feel pretty right] to him... the idea that we could live separately and be happy and "still have a casual conversation here and there" seemed good. That really hurt - I'm dam distraught right now! So I got fed up and called him yesterday and told him that this suggestion that we be friends was not doable for me... that I was not leaving because I wanted to, but because I had to and that every conversation we have only makes it more painful. As always (dude loves to co-opt my feelings) he said it made it worse for him, too. So I told him maybe a year or so from now, perhaps we could be friends, but not now. Of course, he called again an hour later and I didn't answer and avoided him last night.

 

Soon I'll be moving. I hope I'm relieved and that this sense of loss gets better, not worse. I'm still scared I'd try again. Part of me is afraid he would too and the other part is afraid that he is truly done. So confused!

 

Thanks for reading and please do let me know what you think of any or all of the above... what a cycle! And every time I'm about to break it (I've never been this close... having signed a lease, etc.) I choke and flounder and get this deep sense of loss and emptiness.

[Angel1111]

I'm guessing that you're in a verbally abusive relationship. Read the book by Lundy Bancroft entitled, 'Why Does He Do That? (Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)'. These men have the emotional intelligence of a 2-yr-old and they will positively make you nuts. Relationships should not be this much work, and even though you know something is seriously wrong with this relationship, there's that 'hook' that keeps you going back. Read the book, I think it'll answer a lot of questions for you and you'll understand the dynamics far better than I could explain.

 

You cannot please these men and you cannot fix what's wrong with them. I was with someone like this and the book opened my eyes so much that it stopped me cold from ever wanting to be with him again.

[lapse]

Yea, Angel. I'm reading some excerpts and it reminds me of this dialogue we had a few weeks ago.

 

-------------

 

Me: "You have gotten very abusive in conversations with me and [dependent] about [dependent]'s behavior."

 

Him: "Well, I had to. No one was addressing it otherwise."

 

Me: "It is very important to me that all 3 of us have a respectful environment... that regardless of disagreement, that we all treat each other with respect."

 

Him: "Well, no one respects me. You walk all over me. I'm not showing respect to anyone who doesn't show it to me."

 

-----------

 

To me, treating others with respect is a matter of personal integrity. I do it because it's who *I* am, not because of who someone else is. Moreover, for him to claim that he loves us, but treat us this way is nothing beyond absurd.

 

I know how wrong he is on so many levels - I've known it for a long time... his constantly saying that I could make him happy, that he doesn't expect much, just a few small things... yet I've never been able to make him happy no matter how hard I tried. The thing is - I don't even believe in that #hit... no one can make anyone else happy. *He* is just unhappy.

 

Here's another excerpt that certainly resonates (because I do believe he truly feels wronged): "... the problem of abusiveness has surprisingly little to do with how a man feels - [they] actually differ very little from nonabusive men in their emotional experiences - and everything to do with how he thinks."

 

Knowing all of this... it still makes me sad. I also know that be truly believes that he tried so hard and that I just wouldn't make the effort. Truly maddening.

 

Thanks so much for the resource, Angel. I'll pick it up this evening. I hope it has the same effect on me as it did on you.

[TLCbear]

I can definitely relate to the title of your thread, because I had to do just that. I was with my ex for 2 and half years. 6 months into the relationship I found out he signed up for a couple of dating sites. Off and on from then, I had had issues with him and cell phones. We never officially broke up until recently, but I gave him about 5 chances throughout the relationship and he always said he would try harder and change his behavior, but never did. So eventually, I had to end it, eventhough I didn't want to. I just had to face the fact he will never change and continue to move on and that is what you have to do. Do whatever you have to to move on and stay focus. It's no help for your situation, as you both have broken up soo many times. Hope this helps.

[Angel1111]

Knowing all of this... it still makes me sad. I also know that be truly believes that he tried so hard and that I just wouldn't make the effort. Truly maddening.

 

Thanks so much for the resource, Angel. I'll pick it up this evening. I hope it has the same effect on me as it did on you.

 

Guys like him act like they believe it because it keeps you hooked - that little humble, self-defacing act they put on. They prey on nice, stable-minded women because they know she'll take on the responsibility for the relationship and her actions, and that she has a heart.

 

It's hard to understand their reasoning but everything is based on the need for power. Once you understand just how pervasive that is in their heads, how much they have to have it, then you'll understand that he has a motive for everything he says and does, whether it's nice or not. As the book points out, even the good times are abuse because you're continually on eggshells with these guys and you know they can flip at any point. So the good times are never real, the guy just does it to make you think he's actually capable of being nice. In the end, everything is overshadowed by their insanity.

 

These men are a complete and total waste of time and energy. He will destroy you if you stick around long enough. And the 'I want to be friends' stuff is all about sucking you right back in at some point in time. These guys HATE to be abandoned and they will jump through hoops to get you back -- except that when they get you back, they do that same stuff all over again, only worse. Until finally, your spirit is broken and you have no more energy or sense of self to fight it anymore; or until you have the sense to extract youreslf from his life permanently.

 

I'm glad you're going to read the book. One piece of advice - I wouldn't let him see the book. My ex saw it and took it in his hands and ripped it to pieces. In one of his more sane moments, he told me that he hated the book because it described him so well.

[broken-and-lost]

Look these books are all good but it's just a book written in general every person is different, if he has emotional trauma which is effecting your relationship but you love him and you both want to be together. Ask him to get help don't try and fix it yourself if he refuses say you'll leave or in your case tell him get the help as it's the reason your gone.

 

If he loves you he will face the problem and go if he doesn't then you have done the right thing and time to heal

 

You know your relationship better then any book if you want to walk away then walk if you want to work it but feel he needs help ask him to go get it.

Edited October 22, 2010 by broken-and-lost

[Angel1111]

Look these books are all good but it's just a book written in general every person is different, if he has emotional trauma which is effecting your relationship but you love him and you both want to be together. Ask him to get help don't try and fix it yourself if he refuses say you'll leave or in your case tell him get the help as it's the reason your gone.

 

If he loves you he will face the problem and go if he doesn't then you have done the right thing and time to heal

 

You know your relationship better then any book if you want to walk away then walk if you want to work it but feel he needs help ask him to go get it.

 

After that many break-ups? There does come a time to recognize that you're fighting a losing battle and have the sense to walk away completely. And no disrespect on your comment about books - because I agree with it to a point - but the reason I recommend that particular one is because the author is a psychologist who has had experience with literally thousands of verbally and physically abusive men and he has made some astounding observations.

 

The biggest problem with abusive relationships is that they can be like an endless loop where you feel you can never escape and you don't know why. They mentally terrorize you, slowly. And these men simply do not change. They don't fit the norm for relationships, and it's not about getting fixed. That is the hook that keeps women floundering with these men year after year after year. I know the signs and I saw it right away with this guy in her post. They're much more dangerous than they appear, which is why women get fooled over and over again. People would save themselves years of heartache if they would recognize the red flags sooner and have a zero-tolerance policy about it.

[lapse]

broken-and-lost, I really appreciate where you're coming from... maintaining hope because we all want it to work. If this were among the first times we'd broken up, we'd be giving these other things a shot. I know, because I did.

 

I have gone to counseling. I have asked him to go. At one point he was open to it saying he'd do whatever it takes to make it work, and then he said, no. It wasn't his problem. We (my dependent and I) are the problem and he has no desire to change. A couple of years ago he started playing World of Warcraft and since then he spends 100% of his time at home playing that game. I've told him I do not want to spend my life with someone who plays a game 24/7 and he has said he's not going to quit. I don't belabor it - I just put it out there. Seriously, I would agree with you about giving it more shots if I hadn't already tried getting him into counseling. No matter what, he says he does not have a problem... that it is *my* fault that he is miserable... that he hides in front of a video game... that he's abusive.

 

Anyway, I appreciate the heart in your suggestion. It also helps me see again why I can't keep trying. I wish we hadn't exhausted these options, but we have. It continues to hurt, but as I process it, intense as it is, I feel better.

 

Thanks for the thoughts and feedback. You guys are solid.

[broken-and-lost]

broken-and-lost, I really appreciate where you're coming from... maintaining hope because we all want it to work. If this were among the first times we'd broken up, we'd be giving these other things a shot. I know, because I did.

 

I have gone to counseling. I have asked him to go. At one point he was open to it saying he'd do whatever it takes to make it work, and then he said, no. It wasn't his problem. We (my dependent and I) are the problem and he has no desire to change. A couple of years ago he started playing World of Warcraft and since then he spends 100% of his time at home playing that game. I've told him I do not want to spend my life with someone who plays a game 24/7 and he has said he's not going to quit. I don't belabor it - I just put it out there. Seriously, I would agree with you about giving it more shots if I hadn't already tried getting him into counseling. No matter what, he says he does not have a problem... that it is *my* fault that he is miserable... that he hides in front of a video game... that he's abusive.

 

Anyway, I appreciate the heart in your suggestion. It also helps me see again why I can't keep trying. I wish we hadn't exhausted these options, but we have. It continues to hurt, but as I process it, intense as it is, I feel better.

 

Thanks for the thoughts and feedback. You guys are solid.

 

Hey lapse

 

Well it sounds like you've given it your all and tried to get him to see his problems, I feel really sorry for him as one day he will wake up and realise that you were probably one of the best things he had in his life, you can't help someone unless they want to be helped unfortunately and it sounds like you have tried a few times and given him time to see it for himself.

 

Really sorry to hear that you've had to give up and move on but it will probably be for the best in your case I hope you find happiness in your life

 

Be strong i'm going through a break up at the moment and it's really hard so i hope you'll be ok

[broken-and-lost]

After that many break-ups? There does come a time to recognize that you're fighting a losing battle and have the sense to walk away completely. And no disrespect on your comment about books - because I agree with it to a point - but the reason I recommend that particular one is because the author is a psychologist who has had experience with literally thousands of verbally and physically abusive men and he has made some astounding observations.

 

The biggest problem with abusive relationships is that they can be like an endless loop where you feel you can never escape and you don't know why. They mentally terrorize you, slowly. And these men simply do not change. They don't fit the norm for relationships, and it's not about getting fixed. That is the hook that keeps women floundering with these men year after year after year. I know the signs and I saw it right away with this guy in her post. They're much more dangerous than they appear, which is why women get fooled over and over again. People would save themselves years of heartache if they would recognize the red flags sooner and have a zero-tolerance policy about it.

 

Totally appreciate your comments here if she has really tired a few times and he does not admit he has a problem and needs help then it's time to cut loose. No problem with that at all but everyone is different and just because they show some similarities to a book does not mean they are totally lost and can't change but only the person who knows them can really make the call and it sounds like she has made her mind up which is good.

[Angel1111]

Totally appreciate your comments here if she has really tired a few times and he does not admit he has a problem and needs help then it's time to cut loose. No problem with that at all but everyone is different and just because they show some similarities to a book does not mean they are totally lost and can't change but only the person who knows them can really make the call and it sounds like she has made her mind up which is good.

 

I hear you and totally agree. I guess what I'm trying to say is that abusive men are a breed all unto themselves and what makes sense in most relationships do not fit with them. And therein lies the danger. They will mindf*** you before you know what happened, and they do it over and over again. I know because I lived with a verbally abusive guy and spent a great deal of time trying to understand, and listening to others in the same situation. They speak from the same script, the play by the same rulebook. Very unoriginal and very predictable. It's hard to believe until you've lived it and seen it and studied it.

 

I don't typically make blanket statements about people or relationships. I only do that with abusive men because I know what they're like, and I know that they have no desire to change. But, yea, ultimately the person in the relationship has to make the final decision about whether to stay or go.

[lapse]

b&l, it's really good of you to play arsehole's advocate (i'm just joking about that... I do believe people can change. I do not think that he will. And he definitely won't as long as I'm here to project all of his problems onto.

 

Angel's read on it, even given just a brief overview, is surprisingly astute. lol Was it the nitpicking that tipped you off, Angell? Having read a few pages and excerpts, I think the book will be helpful. Not because it will make me decide that I can't deal with him (I've decided that a few times), but because it will help me understand what happened and move on with the realization that it's not entirely my fault (I'm sure some of it is, of course) and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. Believe me, I tried. For example, I asked him, because he was so unhappy with me, to outline his specific needs (because they were so elusive to me) and he couldn't do it, claiming that was so mechanical. And on the rare occasion that he did (e.g., he wants to know the budget), I complied and he'd just move on to something new... dude claims to love his house and want to do all these projects around. I kept asking him if he wanted to do ___ and ___ from his list and nope - never. Yet here I was destroying his life and his home. Oh bah!

 

A couple of years ago, I bought and read "Men who Hate Women and the Women who Love them"... it was insightful, but I just wasn't ready!

 

A good book will not make you ready to go, but it sure can be there for you when you've made up your mind that you've had enough. I'm looking forward to the added understanding.I think you're right, Angel, that he wants to be friends as a vehicle of continuing some form of control. It's quite cynical of me but it meshes well with his MO, which you noticed quite aptly... that he doesn't do anything for the sake of goodness itself. It is always about power. [Dependent, who is now 19] noticed the same. Everything he does has a purpose. It's always about control. Everything.

 

I used to go to the gym - he decided we needed a treadmill and a home gym so I "wouldn't have to pay the membership fee." No need for me to have a car - I could use his. He only drives his work truck. Why do I need to hang out with friends... we should be best friends (and he always had an attitude and subtle criticisms for all of my friends, eventually it was just easier to stay home). Here's another - when we moved in he wanted me to get rid of all of my furniture and got mad that I put it in storage. As I've been packing over the last couple of days, I notice how very little I actually lived here! I packed up my stuff in our bedroom and... you could barely tell I moved. Very similar to the rest of the house. With the exception of my office and [dependent's] bedroom, this place is exactly the same. LOL I remember another argument we had - Christmas a couple of years ago, Dep. and I wanted to rearrange the living room to be festive, and he got pissed. omg so many of these stories.

 

Anyway. I have felt all along, from the first week I moved in, that something wasn't quite right. But I wanted it to work and kept trying and trying. At some point, as you keep trying, your boundaries, your bottom lines, your deal breakers, just keep inching farther and farther away. Until it's just like even though they did or said something completely unacceptable, you're so accustomed to turning away from all the crap that you just want to sweep it under the rug and maintain your investment.

 

Which is exactly how I think a lot of us stay so long and get so hurt. Not just emotionally, but deeply personally. Seriously, man. Eff'im. Dude is no friend of mine. That's for sure.

Edited October 22, 2010 by lapse

[Angel1111]

Angel's read on it, even given just a brief overview, is surprisingly astute. lol Was it the nitpicking that tipped you off, Angell?

 

No need for me to have a car - I could use his. He only drives his work truck. Why do I need to hang out with friends... we should be best friends (and he always had an attitude and subtle criticisms for all of my friends, eventually it was just easier to stay home).

 

Basically everything you said tipped me off. And I only read half of your post before I commented the first time. I read the rest later. The main things I noticed was your feeling of being criticized and not being able to please him no matter what you did. This is a common ploy of theirs. They love to keep you off-balance and doubting yourself. Also the thing about doing things for you and then hanging it over your head. They do the same thing with secrets that you tell them when you bear your soul. They'll bring it up later in order to throw it in your face and make you feel bad.

 

The thing about the car, friends, etc - this is extremely typical because their goal is to isolate you so that they have absolute control over you. If you don't have a vehicle, he can keep track of everything you do, and prevent you from doing anything he doesn't want you to do. He has control. He doesn't want you to have friends or family because they give you a place to run if things get bad (and he knows they'll get bad, so he'd rather that you be stuck with nowhere to run).

 

These men are very devious and sick. Do not ever make the mistake of underestimating them. They are excellent actors and know exactly how to make you doubt yourself.

[lapse]

I got the book last night and I'm skipping all around and a couple of the 'types' fit him perfectly. Not to completely blame anyone here, but honestly I feel that my role in this wreck was just sticking it out this long... letting it happen.

 

I'm sitting here in my bedroom, having just moved a lot of my stuff out of the house and to the new house. The other part, most of my furniture, is in a storage shed a hundred yards away, and I'm moving that tomorrow. I'd go out, but I'm really sleepy. So I'm sitting here typing this and I can hear the ba5tard upstairs moving stuff around in what used to be my dependent's room. He and his uncle are upstairs painting, having moved all of her bedroom stuff out to the garage this morning. I can effing spit. Mo'feker has been sitting in the basement in front of WoW for 2 years, could not even step away from the computer, surrounded by paper plates and bowls that have been sitting there with crap in them for 2 weeks... and now, all of a sudden, the weekend that I'm moving, he gets his first inkling in over 2 years to do some effing housework.

 

I'm so angry. I cannot wait to not have to hear his feet as his skrawny, hateful arse pats by my door.

 

Aaaah. Don't like the anger, but I am just not liking the guy right now. Not at all.

[Angel1111]

This is just another game he's playing with you or, to put it more aptly, just another mindf**k. Now that you know what's he's doing, you can better ignore it and write it off to the reason you're leaving the numbskull in the first place. He's a psycho-boy and a drama king and you're much better off without him. Much better. Like, living under the freeway would be a more appealing alternative.

 

My ex did this crap, too. He was a total slob when we were together - used to leave clothes laying around, milk cartons by the bed, etc. My house isn't always spotless but I don't like clothes and trash on the floors. So when he moved into his apartment after we split up, it was spotless at all times. It made me want to slap him. They try to do this thing where they like to appear that YOU were the cause of all their crazy behavior and that they're a better person now that you're not around. The truth is, they usually are much more stable when they don't have anyone to attempt to destroy. But they can't be alone for very long and they'll find a new victim sooner or later - either their ex (you) or someone else, and the same stuff will start all over again - no matter who they're with. You can bank on it.

 

These men play games endlessly. The more he acts like he doesn't care about what you're doing, the more he's lying. This is so that when he puts on his 'I'm miserable without you' act, you'll be shocked because of how aloof he appeared before. Games, games, games.

[Angel1111]

Not to completely blame anyone here, but honestly I feel that my role in this wreck was just sticking it out this long... letting it happen.

 

This is an absolute fact. I believe the author makes this same analogy by comparing two women who date the same guy - one gives him a warning and says that if he does xxx again, she'll leave him. He does it again, and she leaves. End of story. The 2nd woman in the same situation warns the guy but when he does it again, she gives him another chance, and another, and another. The result is completely different where the agony drags on.

 

The situation with men like this is a total catch-22. The only winning move is to walk away.

[lapse]

This is just another game he's playing with you or, to put it more aptly, just another mindf**k. Now that you know what's he's doing, you can better ignore it and write it off to the reason you're leaving the numbskull in the first place. He's a psycho-boy and a drama king and you're much better off without him. Much better. Like, living under the freeway would be a more appealing alternative.

 

My ex did this crap, too. He was a total slob when we were together - used to leave clothes laying around, milk cartons by the bed, etc. My house isn't always spotless but I don't like clothes and trash on the floors. So when he moved into his apartment after we split up, it was spotless at all times. It made me want to slap him. They try to do this thing where they like to appear that YOU were the cause of all their crazy behavior and that they're a better person now that you're not around. The truth is, they usually are much more stable when they don't have anyone to attempt to destroy. But they can't be alone for very long and they'll find a new victim sooner or later - either their ex (you) or someone else, and the same stuff will start all over again - no matter who they're with. You can bank on it.

 

These men play games endlessly. The more he acts like he doesn't care about what you're doing, the more he's lying. This is so that when he puts on his 'I'm miserable without you' act, you'll be shocked because of how aloof he appeared before. Games, games, games.

 

Aaaaah. Thank you for this (especially bolded part, which is so right on, and I hadn't thought of it that way, and it really gave me a huge breath of relief... thank you!). You are quite the Angel.

 

This morning, as I was moving some more stuff, he put all the bed linens, skirt, etc. right by the washing machine... dude is suddenly, after being a complete and total slob, quite fastidious! Isn't it *so* annoying, though. But you are right, despite wanting to whop on a big smack, the best thing is to ignore it. It did make me cry when I drove away, though. Which was his point, no doubt. Ah, to no longer thing of him! Soon enough...

[fanatic7]

Be strong lapse and walk away with your head and shoulders up! You do not deserve to be treated this way; you deserve so much better! Close the chapter on this situation, and open a new one to a much happier and healthier relationship! Best of luck to you!

[Angel1111]

This morning, as I was moving some more stuff, he put all the bed linens, skirt, etc. right by the washing machine... dude is suddenly, after being a complete and total slob, quite fastidious...

 

It makes me want to slap him just reading this.

 

I'm so glad you made the decision to move out, and I'm sure your dependent is, too. Kids don't need to be subjected to people and situations like this. And you just taught him/her (your dependent) that he/she has choices; that he/she doesn't need to stay in relationships like this. You both are going to be so much happier as time goes by. You'll notice the peace (i.e. lack of drama) right away. You'll start to recognize just how much chaos your ex brought into your lives; in subtle ways you didn't notice before.

 

But don't underestimate the damage this guy has done to you. You're going to start missing him and he'll start calling you again. Please don't give in to your feelings about him and remember all the times you left before. Despite their good qualities, some people are just toxic to our lives and we can't keep them as acquaintences, friends, not anything. They just need to disappear. If/when you get weak, pick up that book again and you'll remember with total clarity. After awhile, you'll ask yourself what on earth you were thinking being with a man like this.

[D-Lish]

Lapse, listen to Angel- she gives wonderful advice.

[Angel1111]

Lapse, listen to Angel- she gives wonderful advice.

 

Aw! Thanks, D-Lish! That's so nice to hear.

 

lapse, how are you doing now? How are things at your new place?

[lapse]

Aw! Thanks, D-Lish! That's so nice to hear.

 

lapse, how are you doing now? How are things at your new place?

 

Thanks for checking on me.

 

I absolutely love the new place. The move was much easier than I'd anticipated (and built it up to be) in the 3 years I'd been contemplating it. ha. No contact (and no attempts on either end) since I left and it's been pretty easy so far because I'm extremely mad. I've had some moments of missing him, but they're far fewer than the extended periods during which I am so happy I moved out. I haven't even finished unpacking, but I feel more organized and relaxed than I did at his house.

 

I posted this on another thread... I know that eventually I will need to move past the anger, but right now it serves an important purpose. My anger is an emotional hangover, a constant physical and psychological unease and reminder of how destructive the association with him is. Anyway, anger is not the ideal feeling in my buddhist beliefs, but it is what it is and what I feel. I just notice that it also keeps me thinking about him more than I'd like. But I can't expect to just stop thinking about someone I spent the last 4 years with and who demanded my constant attention. Oh yea - identified him as predominately "Demand Man" with strong mix of "Mr. Sensitive".

 

Ya know, the hardest part is the dream... and, as a feminist I'd spent years, deconstructing the romantic myths, so I don't think I had unreasonable expectations, but anyway... the dream is still there, but there's just no way he can fit into it. I guess I should be glad that I still 'see' the vision of a good relationship because it means that I will likely eventually have that. However, right now, because of our history, he is the symbol of the other person walking around in those dreams and there it is in my mind... this vision of a good relationship and there he goes stomping around in it, violating trust and good intentions. Those are the moments that make me want to simultaneously cry and reach out with a big gavel and squish him. I hate that I continue to have feelings for him and to wish that things had been different. Time...

 

Anyway, thanks for checking in and for caring. I think I'm doing pretty well other than wishing that he had been different, capable, sincere - which is fruitless energy. Thanks for your support over the last week. Your words have come right when they were needed. Thank you.

[FaithfulBarbie87]

New here but definitely can relate to this post....my fiance and I have been going in a big a** circle for 4 yrs now and its soooo frustrating cause you can almost time this shyt. I'm emotionally drained and have completely disconnected myself from the whole thing. The first few times I had hope but now I'm just like numb to the whole ordeal. This type of relationship or whatever you want to call it rollercoaster is not healthy. I think I'm just at the point now where I'm like que sera. I have completely stopped planning my wedding at this point and I just know what has to be done but I cannot fix my lips to say it. My actions though are telling us both and although its gonna sting I gotta let this mess burn.

[Angel1111]

I absolutely love the new place. The move was much easier than I'd anticipated (and built it up to be) in the 3 years I'd been contemplating it. ha. No contact (and no attempts on either end) since I left and it's been pretty easy so far because I'm extremely mad. I've had some moments of missing him, but they're far fewer than the extended periods during which I am so happy I moved out. I haven't even finished unpacking, but I feel more organized and relaxed than I did at his house.

 

I'm really glad to hear you're enjoying your new place...and your new-found peace. Yes, of course, you still think about him - that's just normal. As you said, no one just walks away from a relationship and stops thinking about it. I think you're doing great. But, oh yes, you can count on the fact that he'll be contacting you at some point. He's going to wait until you're certain you'll never hear from him again. haha.

 

I hope you'll stay in touch and keep us posted as to how you're doing.

[Angel1111]

New here but definitely can relate to this post....my fiance and I have been going in a big a** circle for 4 yrs now and its soooo frustrating cause you can almost time this shyt. I'm emotionally drained and have completely disconnected myself from the whole thing. The first few times I had hope but now I'm just like numb to the whole ordeal. This type of relationship or whatever you want to call it rollercoaster is not healthy. I think I'm just at the point now where I'm like que sera. I have completely stopped planning my wedding at this point and I just know what has to be done but I cannot fix my lips to say it. My actions though are telling us both and although its gonna sting I gotta let this mess burn.

 

FB, when you're ready, you'll get off that merry-go-round.