eltsac Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Hey all, Split with my ex girl about 6-7 weeks ago. She dumped me for reasons of needing to find a bit of independence and personal strength as she relied on me for everything. There was another issue, but at the time i never was really able to bring it up, and that was that about 8-9 months ago another guy was making a move on her, which I had no clue about. I think she flirted with the idea of cheating, but never did. Either way it was somewhat emotional cheating. And I caught her lying to me about a phone call he made to her, in which see said it wasnt his number, but I found out it was. We talked about it at the time, but all I could do was take her word for it. Anyway, so she breaks up with me about 8 months later, for reasons that dont have to do with this. We have been together for 4 years by the way. I accept the break up, but for the next three weeks its all 'i still love you' etc. Eventually I tell her to cut that out as its confusing me and making it more difficult to move on. She reluctantly agrees, and i dont hear from her for a while. During this time I discover a journal page of hers in which she was writing to herself about this guy. It infuriated me, she seemed really confused and quite into him. I know it was 9 months ago, and she said it was over with him but understandably I was outraged. She still doesnt know I know about this. So recently, since no contact or more limited contact, i respond to her texts quite breifly as i dont want to be rude. I still love her and want to be with her, but only if she changes. Perhaps this is where I am going wrong... Anyway, like I said, I only reply when she does. She sent me a text yesterday saying she misses me etc., and i dont know how to respond. I cant be cold and not, as it may ruin any chances of a reunion. At the same time, im not in a place where I can give a similar reply as im still infuriated by that personal letter to herself i saw. I am wondering if I should ever bring it up, maybe that would allow me to get straight answers. It would also maybe give me a confirmation in a way and allow me to move on a bit better. However for now im wondering if its best as Id rather get to a place where she may want me back, and then talk about it if she does. I guess her missing me and stating this is a start to reconciliation, so really is it a matter of timing? And what should I say to her in response for now, if anything? Cheers guys.
strength-abounds Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 First things first. NC is not a way to reconcile with your ex. It is a method designed to help you move on from the relationship, not a mind***k method for reconciliation. Second, her contacting you is nothing but an ego boost for HER. She knows your still pining for her. Chances are she is not getting the emotional needs met by her someone else so she goes to the "fallback guy" and that's you my friend. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. You can wait around and be her best friend because that's all it will ever be; or you can decide to move on. Just an opinion. Good luck.
EricaH329 Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 She dumped me for reasons of needing to find a bit of independence and personal strength as she relied on me for everything. I still love her and want to be with her, but only if she changes. Do you see a pattern? I do. Six to seven weeks isn't enough time for her to 'find' herself. If this is why she really felt the need to break up with you, I think you both should allow the time for this to happen. I understand that the feelings of nostalgia can sometimes cloud the reasons as to why the relationship didn't work, but this is the perfect time to snap back into reality. She needs time to figure herself out (which is completely understandable), and you need time to figure yourself out and whether or not you really trust her enough to be with her again. In my personal opinion, if you both really love eachother, then I would tell her that you both need to go NC for awhile (in order to get your minds cleared away from eachother), and see what happens a few months down the road. Just my two cents.
Don Ho Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 However for now im wondering if its best as Id rather get to a place where she may want me back, and then talk about it if she does. I guess her missing me and stating this is a start to reconciliation, so really is it a matter of timing? And what should I say to her in response for now, if anything? Your thread is a bit confusing. Why don't you clarify.
Author eltsac Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 Your thread is a bit confusing. Why don't you clarify. Basically there a lot of things that i have recently discovered etc that I didnt say during the breakup. The breakup was in her words, for reasons of finding herself etc. Which to some extent I believe. However, about 9 months ago there was a guy chasing her. She stated we were going through a rough patch and did entertain ideas of leaving me for him, but in the end we resolved it. She called him, said she wasnt available and that she didnt want to speak to him. I believed her and we went on with our lives. However recently i discovered a little personal journal type thing she wrote to herself that made it seem like there was a lot more there with him then she said to me. Obviously it infuriates me. Now, about 7 weeks after the breakup she texts me she misses me and reaches out to me a lot, without me responding too much. I told her 4-5 weeks ago that we cant talk like we were, with the i miss yous etc if we are broken up. So the last text I got she said she misses me etc. My thing is, I probably need a reality check, because as much as she might miss me and all, im infuriated that letter to herself i saw. I know it was back then, when she was confused about us and all, but I still have lingering feelings of wanting to get back with her, as well as a sense of i dont want anything to do with her! I actually have such an urge to return all her things, along with that letter to self and some other things, and say.. 'this is it, now im done with you.' But then I have this wierd sense that if she wants to try again, which she may be hinting at, then maybe we could give it another chance and I could bring it up then.. Im confused man, and hurt, and just want this all erased from my mind..
Don Ho Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 She dumped me for reasons of needing to find a bit of independence and personal strength as she relied on me for everything. There was another issue, but at the time i never was really able to bring it up, and that was that about 8-9 months ago another guy was making a move on her, which I had no clue about. Bro, when a woman tell you she want space (which she was) that means she has LOST interest in YOU. The rest of what she said was just an excuse. The other guy had nothing to do with anything. If she was talking with him prior, it was because you guys were sorta on the rocks and she was going to dump you regardless. If you had been a man and handled your relationship correctly, she wouldn't have lost interest nor talked to another guy. You need to let the issue of "the other guy" go, regardless of if you stay broken up or if she comes back (which I doubt). I think if you want to be mad at anyone, be mad at yourself for doing things that pushed her away and mad her lose interest.
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