The ups, downs, and end of my relationship.... i don't understand?

[eventhedeadlaugh]

This is a little bit long...okay, a whole lot long. But, if you could bare with me please? I really need someone to help me out with this. I'm just so confused and lost.

 

Okay. We were together for 4 years. I thought he was the one for me; he was the perfect guy, or so I thought. All my friends were jealous and I thought we would really go the distance with each other. He told me how much he loved me, how beautiful I was, and we had plans to move in together in the near future. Then everything went bad...out of nowhere.

 

After 3 1/2 years of our relationship, he breaks up with me out of the blue, after a fight. I (i'm not proud of this) assume that he is just mad and text him, asking if he is serious. Long story short, we get back together the next day. The next month, he does this again. He tells me that he does not love me the same anymore and that the only reason we are still together is because that he doesn't want to feel like he wasted that long of his life. He said he is going to hurt me and let me down and he thinks we should break up. We talk it out and he tells me that he didn't mean it, that he was just trying to push me away, because he is "bipolar." The next month, he informs me that he has a drinking problem and has been drinking behind my back for the past few months. I tell him to either quit or I would walk away. He begins crying and says that he will change.

 

Things were fairly normal for the next few months...then I hear a rumor that he is cheating. I asked him and of course he said he was not. Long story short, I got suspicious and logged onto his facebook...I found a chat with another woman, telling her he was in love with her. I broke up with him...and then the next day, found out that she was not the first. In fact, he had 5-6 one night stands throughout our relationship and had a drinking/drug problem for the entire time as well. Basically, he was living an entirely different life instead of "working all the time" like I thought. After I broke up with him, he did not give me any explanation. He simply said that "things changed" and did not talk to me any more.

 

A few weeks after that, he apologized. He said, however, that he wanted me to move on and find someone good for me. He said he did not want me back because he would just do it again. He said he was in love with me but he wouldn't put me through that again. However, any time I went out with another guy, he threatened him and became very rude towards me about it. He would say mean things to me and brag about the women he was sleeping with. This began to really take a toll on me, so I told him we could not be friends and to never speak to me again.

 

Three months passed and he talked to me randomly. We talked for a little while but about nothing really. Somehow, the conversation led to our past relationship. I told him that there was not an us and he said "amen. i just wanted to see how you were. there isn't an us." He said it was "better this way." Then he said talking to me just made him feel guilty and sad and that's why he didn't. He said he had to take time to forget about it. Basically, he acted like he was totally over it.

 

I know it's been months but i'm still heart broken. I know I shouldn't feel this way either. I should be okay...but I want him back. Again, I know I shouldn't. However, I want to think that he loved me then and loves me now...that he realizes what he lost and that he does want me back. I want to believe that he just doesn't want to get back together because he has problems he can't fix and he's doing it for my own good, like he says...not because he just doesn't want to get back together with me. I just don't know what to make of him or his actions, really. There are so many unanswered questions and he just gives me confusing signals all the time. I don't know if he really loves me or if he's just trying to let me down and nicely tell me to go away.

 

Do you think he's just trying to let me down easy? What do you think of all his mixed signals, all the things he says and all the things he does? What do I do to get over this? Can we be friends? Helppppp!

[Fern]

If he WAS to come to you begging you to take him back - what are the onditions you would impose on that? Obviously you couldn't go back to living a lie for a further 4 years. What would you say to him?

[strangeways]

Sounds like a nightmare. I feel for you.

 

He's right though, he will do it again and he will hurt you over and over and over again if YOU let him.

 

It sounds like he's incapable of a commited, loving relationship with anyone, not just you. Do you know anything about his previous relationships, has he behaved this way before? Has he got abandonment, attachment, commitment issues because of family relationships?

 

If he's bi-polar (and maybe a bit of a commitment phobe as well) he needs to seek treatment for these things before he'll be able to give you what you want. I wouldn't hang around though, he needs to do this on his own.

 

You really can't take anything he says at face value and you can't go on torturing yourself about what he might be thinking. I suspect he doesn't even know what he's thinking or it changes day by day. He's also trying to deal with his guilt so he'll be saying and doing things to make himself feel better about what he's done. And, to be honest, the messages aren't mixed, he's telling you he can't be with you. The reasons for that may be mixed but they don't really matter.

 

I also think you need to take a look at yourself and why you'd give this man another chance. Of course you love him, but look at the way he's treated you. It's hard I know, I've had to do it, it's not as serious a case as yours by any means but the general themes are the same.

 

If you continue to be in contact with him or try to be his friend you're going to drag yourself into (possibly years) of push-pull contact. I think no contact is your only option.

[eventhedeadlaugh]

Yes, he has commitment issues. In his previous relationship, I know that he cheated on her because he thought she was cheating on him. Kind of a revenge thing, I guess. I was his first serious relationship, the rest were just a few months or so and then they broke up and never spoke again.

 

Also, his father passed away when he was a teenager out of the blue. I think that might affect his actions a lot. His dad was a heavy drinker.

 

And I get that you're saying his signals aren't mixed, I guess I just don't get it. I don't get how he could just...i don't know, be over it, just like that? It seems like after that long, you'd want to at least talk...but he just doesn't seem to care either way. It's like he just is over it and me and he doesn't want anything to do with me period. I don't get how someone could just do that after that long. I don't know. It's just different day to day, I guess.

[strangeways]

It's a truly, s***y and heartbreaking situation you're in. He'll never be able to give you answers you want. There comes a point with people like your ex when the fear and anxiety get to such a point that they have to run and nothing but nothing will stop them.

 

There's nothing you could have done to stop this. It's very self serving and selfish and theres reasons for it but not excuses. It's also not about him being over it. I suspect, however painful it may be, he's relieved to be away from you. It allows his fear and anxiety to subside for a while. He can't talk to you about it because you represent his guilt, fear and anxiety. Sorry if that's harsh but I think that's the way it is. It's not about you. It's about intimacy, attachment, commitment, low self esteem and a sackful of other stuff. You've done all you can.

 

Was he the type of person that was indecisive? Always questioning his drcisions? He will at some point question this decision as well. This is when you have to be strong and don't engage with him.

 

Theres a website called called http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk that you might find of interest. It deals with emotionally unavailable men/women.

 

I would urge you to have no more contact with him. As hard as it may be you're not going to get what you deserve from this man. Learn the lessons and be strong. Keep posting, theres a lot of good people here to support you.

[lapse]

Really strong words posted by strangeways.

 

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your emotional muscles are gon' be fierce. You just keep working them. I know it's hard.

[eventhedeadlaugh]

It's just hard to stay strong and not talk to him. He was such a big part of my life and now I just feel so alone. I just don't get how he can act like he's just so over it...just like that. I mean, it was 4 years...surely you can't be over it. I don't get why he just wants to get over it, and why he isn't realizing what a good thing he had. I guess that's what I want; I want him to be like "oh gosh i lost you" and grovel. I kind of expected that and then for him to just be like "well ok, if that's what you want" and just act over it...that hurts. I just can't begin to understand that.

[strangeways]

I know you can't understand it. None of of us could. We did though. Eventually. So will you.

 

There's no magic wand, or pill, just time and developing a healthy respect for yourself outside of your relationship.

 

Stop focussing (obsessing?) on what he's thinking. If you don't this will go on indefinitely.

 

If you want to focus on something, focus on trying to look at the relationship and this man objectively, was it/he actually that great? When I did this I realised my relationship was far from it and the woman i idealised was far from it as well. write it down, pros and cons lists. When I did this the cons list was about 3 times as long as the pros.

 

Your ego wants him to grovel, realise what a good thing he had. You want what you can't have. You really need to look at why you're acting like this and whether you have commitment issues yourself, low self esteem, why you are investing so much time in someone that has cheated, lied to you and treated you with no respect. His issues have surfaced and made him very selfish. He only cares about his own well being now. It's horrible I know, but he doesn't care how you're feeling.

 

The advice I'm giving you has come from what I've learnt from my relationship, from LS, from reading and from looking at myself.

 

Don't get me wrong I still miss and love her, but less than I did 2 months ago. I thought she was the love of my life. Our relationship was only a year, very intense then suddenly over. She hasn't even got in touch to see if I'm OK, she doesn't care. I went no contact and it's helping tremendously. I wanted her to feel all those things you want you ex to feel. I realised it was pointless, a waste of my energy. I'll never know how she really feels. Some days I still want her back but I know I wouldn't take her back if she came to me.

 

Did you look at that website I suggested? Maybe read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter.

 

I know it's hard not talking to him. We've all been there.

 

You have to go no contact.

[strangeways]

Something I forgot to add regarding no contact.

 

How does it make you feel when you speak to him? Better or worse?

 

You need to remove the source of pain from your life and that is him.

 

By going no contact you'll eventually begin to see things clearly.

 

Have a look at CaliGuys No Contact Guide

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

[LiveWell]

Eventhedeadlaugh:

 

 

This man is doing you a great favor if he excludes himself from your life, entirely.

 

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

[eventhedeadlaugh]

That website did help, actually. I am looking over it now. I know i'm acting kind of pathetic, but I guess it's just hard to be totally blindsided by something that terrible, to find out that you have no idea who the person you spent a big chunk of time with was.

 

And...it makes me feel worse to talk to him. When he does want to talk, it's just friendly, casual conversation. I guess he is okay with just being friends? Every couple of months, he will pop up to ask me how i'm doing and let me know he's there if I need anything. That's all. I told him to just not talk to me anymore, like I said, because these conversations hurt me...obviously it hurts to have someone say that they don't want you the same way you want them. But, that just made it worse. I felt horrible about it; even though he did and said extremely horrible things to me, I can't bring myself to be mean back to him. I don't know.

[strangeways]

First of all, you're not pathetic.

 

Blindsided, tell me about it! I've been there and I know I'm not pathetic. But...i/we and many others need to look at why we think we were blindsided. I know now, deep down, I always knew it was going to happen. I just chose to ignore it.

 

My ex made ME break up with her because as hard as it is for them to say yes its just as hard to say no. She walked out on me and I had to end it. I didn't know what was going on. She said I don't want it to be over but...She said she does want me but.. even when she was moving her stuff out she said don't take this as a sign. WTF. Masters of mixed messages. They always need an option, an open door to get away from whatever their situation is.

 

One of the most enlightening/depressing passages in that book I recommended was when the interviewer asked these people how they could walk away so easily. You know what the answer was? Because they knew they could always go back! This is happening to you now.

 

He will pop up every few months if you let him. He's checking to see if you're still around just in case. Don't entertain it. No contact means NO CONTACT.

 

Forget the idea of being mean to him. He doesn't deserve any of your sympathy. He left, his choice. He's got to live with it and you've got to live with yourself. He isn't the person you thought he was. You're the priority now.

 

PLEASE, CUT HIM LOOSE AND HAVE NO MORE TO DO WITH HIM.

 

The sooner you do this the sooner you'll be the person you want to be and you'll find the man that deserves you.

Edited October 23, 2010 by strangeways

[eventhedeadlaugh]

Thank you

I just needed someone to listen. I just moved, actually...so I don't have that many friends around at the moment to really just sit down and listen, or go out with when i'm sad. I'm in that finding new people to be around stage of the moving process, so.

 

But thank you. I guess I will try to not have contact with him, at least until I am fully over it. Then, if I feel the need to be his friend, I will. Hopefully, i wont want to though. I guess it just scares me to be over it...you know? I don't know if that makes sense or not. I juhst don't see how he could do that. Like you said, I guess he was just trying to get me to break up with him or something; I just don't understand why you'd stay with someone that long if you didn't feel the same about them, if you wanted to be single. Because, obviously he did. But anytime I would ask if we should break up, or any time that I would actually try to break up with him, he would beg me to stop. He'd be like "oh no, i love you, it'll get better, don't leave." I don't know why he wouldn't just let me go. Then, apparently, to his friends/girls, he would tell them I was crazy and terrible and I did him a favor. So...I just don't understand that.

Edited October 23, 2010 by eventhedeadlaugh

[strangeways]

No problem.

 

Posting replies helps me reinforce what I believe, what I need to do as well so it helps me too. Just got to make sure I practise what I preach!

 

Keep posting if there's no one around. Hell, keep posting even if there is. I neglected my friends while I was in my relationship. Never again.

 

Have to say though, forget being friends with him even when you're over it. He is not a healthy individual. You really can't be his friend EVER. Don't just try to not have contact with him, DO IT. It's the most important part of moving on. If you feel like you're going to contact him post here. There's going to be plenty of people telling you why you shouldn't! Delete his number from your phone, block his number if you can, block his email, get off any social networking sites.

 

I totally get the idea of being scared of being over it. It means saying goodbye to an important part of your life. Saying goodbye to the future you thought you could have had with him. This is VERY, VERY important, you have to let go of the future think you might have had with him. Think about the future you really want and work towards it. That can be scary but look at it as being liberating. I don't know how old you are but I'm 41, two kids, and I can't wait to be free of my ex.

 

At the moment you can't imagine what being over it is like (I'm getting there but the mist still hasn't cleared) but when you're there you'll breath a huge sigh of relief. You've just moved, you'll make new friends, you'll have new experiences. Make the effort.

 

Take one day at a time, keep busy, reflect on yourself, work out what makes you happy.

 

The futures bright.

[strangeways]

Like you said, I guess he was just trying to get me to break up with him or something; I just don't understand why you'd stay with someone that long if you didn't feel the same about them, if you wanted to be single. Because, obviously he did. But anytime I would ask if we should break up, or any time that I would actually try to break up with him, he would beg me to stop. He'd be like "oh no, i love you, it'll get better, don't leave." I don't know why he wouldn't just let me go. Then, apparently, to his friends/girls, he would tell them I was crazy and terrible and I did him a favor. So...I just don't understand that.

 

I posted before while you edited.

 

Understandably, you're over analysing. You might not be able to understand it but there's nothing to understand.

 

I was going to break up with my ex at one point. She was going away for 5 weeks and then going to stay with her parents (LDR) for a while. I just didn't see how things were going to work out. She convinced me, almost begged that we shouldn't. The day we moved in she said it already felt like home to her, planning Christmas, we'd discussed kids names the week before (semi seriously). Telling me how I was the only man she'd ever truly loved and get this, "You've ruined me for every other man because no would could ever match up to you"! 3 days later she's gone. No point trying to understand it. Like I said earlier read that book I recommended. Made it clearer for me.

 

Thing is I believe that your ex and mine did want to have loving, committed, long term relationship. They just can't do it. Some last longer than others but there always comes a tipping point.

[strangeways]

Then, apparently, to his friends/girls, he would tell them I was crazy and terrible and I did him a favor. So...I just don't understand that.

 

Sorry, triple post!

 

he's just trying to justify his actions, ease his guilt by shifting blame on to you. I dread to think what my ex is saying about me It's standard behaviour. very selfish. Shows a real lack of character. See it for what it is and rise above it.

[eventhedeadlaugh]

Thanks guys.

I have not stooped to his level and I won't. I've said nothing negative about him to anyone. I've told anyone who asks that we just decided to go our separate ways. I do not want to lose my character because of him.

I am 23, by the way. This was my high school sweetheart, pretty much. The guy I lost my virginity to and grew up with.

[strangeways]

Good for you.

 

Just think of all the valuable lessons you've learnt/will learn from this, and you're only 23! What you learn from this will help you in every future relationship.