joeboggs Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 We've been dating for 10 months. It started as a rebound, but evolved into a relationship - not the best foundation. I am in the position that a lot of people find themselves in... they realize that the relationship will not end in marriage, they realize they aren't madly in love, that the physical attraction has worn off- basically that it's over. We haven't argued, there's no turmoil, no problems. She's a good person, and I enjoy the time we spend together, but I no longer want to be her boyfriend. There are some long-term issues that I realize we don't mesh on, but she seems to want to ignore those: she wants to be married and start a family, I do not, etc. I can't bring myself to do it, and I don't know how I can break up with her. I've never broken up with someone before. I think she is more attached and has more hopes for our relationship than I do, and I am sure she will be hurt. She will cry. I will have a hard time letting go - just like now, I fluctuate between convincing myself that she's a good woman and I should stay, and that I need to move on. She is already depressed... I don't want to make her more depressed. She will take it very personally... I don't know what to tell her - she's not the woman for me? That seems incredibly hurtful, and I won't even admit to myself 100% that it's true. I don't want to make up reasons or excuses - but it seems I have to, for her and for me. I've been broken up with, and I know the pain I felt, as someone who was still attached and in love - I hate having to bring this feeling to another person, especially someone I respect, enjoy, and have become friends with. I know that I am making things worse every minute that I wait, but I cannot make myself move forward; I am stuck, I am a coward, I am afraid of the outcome and aftermath. When we see eachother, she generally comes over to my house - do I invite her over just to break up with her? Do I tell her we need to talk, and go to her place? She will instantly know what's going on, and probably start freaking out. She's communicated to me in the past her insecurities about me leaving her, and that nothing good in her life lasts... I find this very manipulative, but I can't help but be manipulated by what she's said. I feel that she is co-dependent, even though we are pretty independent... I've become her emotional support on most issues. I really need help with this. Basically, I know I need to be single for a while, and that she's not the one, but I can't bring myself to say it. I know that when I decide to not be single anymore, she'll probably be even more crushed. She consistently tells me how amazing i am for her, how lucky she feels, how she thinks I am too good to be true, and she doesn't deserve me. Help me!
Trovador Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Tell her, just don't be cruel. In a gentle way, expose your reasons for the break up. If you are really worried about the news crushing her, tell her that at this moment in life you can't handle the relationship. Don't drag the matter along, don't humiliate her by giving her a nice evening and then hurting her like hell. If you can, pick her house to tell her, so you can leave and she just will get in and cry inside. Nothing saddest than a woman crying in a restaurant... give her all the closure she needs. Putting this down made me sad, and I am a man... I guess there is no a right way to break these news... so just go for it...
Fern Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Be honest as gently as you can. And do it now. 10 months isn't that long in the grand scheme. She'll be over you in half that time if you drop out of her life and do no Contact. The longer you drag it out, the worse it is. Be cruel to be kind.
Fouts Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Try to re-enforce the positives in her when you deliver the message. Let her know it's just not a good time for you to go any deeper (which is true) and remind her that's alot of guys out there who would love to have her and she deserves that commitment from someone.
swfc_77 Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 good advice above, just have some respect about things give her a few hours of your time so she can understand why its happening. its the least she deserves, hope you do it the right way mate.
TLCbear Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I agree with everyone else. Be honest and be gentle about it. Don't continue to string this young lady along, she doesn't deserve that. Good luck and be sure to give us an update. Hey, if it makes you feel better, I had to turn down a marriage proposal, extremely hard.
Author joeboggs Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 There is no right way to do this, and that's what makes it so hard. I don't know when ill be able to sum up the courage. Thanks for the words of support; I can't help feeling like a horrible person for not wanting to stay with her.
Cee Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Allow for the break up talk to be a long one. By the end of the conversation, she should clearly know that it is completely over. Even if you have doubts, try not to bring that up. Keep the message unambiguous. Ok, here's the harsh advice... This will kill you, but under no circumstance are you to caretake or rescue her after the breakup. Be firm about not being there to pick up her sick cat or fixing her car or whatever. She needs to take care of herself and not use you as her faux boyfriend. Except in the case of serious tragedies (like she's in the hospital), do nothing nice for her. Leave her completely alone. Here's the good news... In time, the break up will be rewarding for your soon to be ex. She will grow and have wonderful adventures ahead of her. Yes, the break up was awful and she was miserable, but that's because she is alive inside with feelings and energy. She will be ok.... And so will you. Good luck
Nkognito Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Joe you are at a point where many of us were on the receiving end of what you're about to do. The post you wrote is pretty explanitory but if you were to go through some of the threads in the forum, you'll find that a lot of us never get closure. Try to stay away from "it's me not you" and "you deserve someone better" cliche's. This girl is going to be hurt regardless but you need to keep it as real as possible with her. She will have a lot of unanswered questions later. She will role play on things or way she could have acted differently to keep you. She'll need to be as openly expressive with her as possible including letting her know that its more healthy that you two do no contact each other. The thing is you're about to bring someone down and you've come here to ask people who have been dragged through that dirt on what to do. All we can ask is be as gentle as possible, it will be easier for you than it will be for her.
tobydog Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Well, I think you a lovely man for not wanting to crush her and upset her. Or string her along. Be as gentle and kind as you can Take care Debs UK x
Author joeboggs Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 Joe you are at a point where many of us were on the receiving end of what you're about to do. I know this forum is largely for the dumpee, I found it 2 years ago when my fiance left me, and it helped me through a lot. I never want to do what she did to me, to someone else, and that is probably a part of my inability to act here. That being said, I think everyone here would agree, they wouldn't want someone to stay in a relationship if it's not working for them.
Trovador Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 I think everyone here would agree, they wouldn't want someone to stay in a relationship if it's not working for them. Sadly, that's what most of us on this forum don't understand. The relationship wasn't working for us either, yet now we felt like victims just because we were in the receiving end of the break up... many of us, in fact, were thinking of breaking up ourselves the whole damn thing but someone very cruel and inconsiderate (our ex partners and it is sarcasm) did it first, ja ja...
skydiveaddict Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 She consistently tells me how amazing i am for her, how lucky she feels, how she thinks I am too good to be true, and she doesn't deserve me. Help me! Just be a man and break up with her. Tell her the truth. Or you could be a coward and use anyone of the typical female lines: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" "I love you, but I need space" " Really, it's not you, it's me"
Ajax Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Just be a man and break up with her. Tell her the truth. Or you could be a coward and use anyone of the typical female lines: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" "I love you, but I need space" " Really, it's not you, it's me" "I need to figure myself out" "You're such a good friend" "I still need you in my life"
skydiveaddict Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 "I need to figure myself out" "You're such a good friend" "I still need you in my life" "I need to figure myself out" (without you) "You're such a good friend" (But I'm ****ing someone else at the moment) "I still need you in my life" (But I'm still ****ing someone else at the moment)
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