that girl Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Having a 'committment' and 'knowing and having a connection' with someone so that you feel comfortable having sex them them are 2 different things. By the sound of it these girls aren't saying 'I don't know you well enough yet', or 'I don't feel ready, please by patient' at the point of sex, they are saying 'commit to me'. Sure, but I think that is a way of saying I want this relationship to continue and I want it to be exclusive. Not that they are expecting wedding bells. I do think it is strange that it is coming up on a second or third date and then they have sex. I would expect it to come up either as "I'm not ready"/"Don't know you well enough" early on or further down the line when the girl wanted sex and felt they were close to a relationship. But from a past thread, I think the OP spends a lot of time texting/IMing before and between dates. I can see how if there is a lot of contact the girl could feel after a few dates that this is someone she wants a relationship with. If the OP wants casual sex, he shouldn't be spending time building rapport. A woman who wants casual sex won't need the build up and without the build up he's less likely to end up in a situation where commitment comes up.
Idalis Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 The original post was about girls demanding a committment before having sex. Having a 'committment' and 'knowing and having a connection' with someone so that you feel comfortable having sex them them are 2 different things. By the sound of it these girls aren't saying 'I don't know you well enough yet', or 'I don't feel ready, please by patient' at the point of sex, they are saying 'commit to me'. Yup! A commitment conversation should not be had in the middle of a make out session!
Titania22 Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Sure, but I think that is a way of saying I want this relationship to continue and I want it to be exclusive. Not that they are expecting wedding bells. I do think it is strange that it is coming up on a second or third date and then they have sex. I would expect it to come up either as "I'm not ready"/"Don't know you well enough" early on or further down the line when the girl wanted sex and felt they were close to a relationship. But from a past thread, I think the OP spends a lot of time texting/IMing before and between dates. I can see how if there is a lot of contact the girl could feel after a few dates that this is someone she wants a relationship with. If the OP wants casual sex, he shouldn't be spending time building rapport. A woman who wants casual sex won't need the build up and without the build up he's less likely to end up in a situation where commitment comes up. Agreed!
dispatch3d Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 sex4unyc I think his name is has the exact attitude. You can search for his archived posts on speedseduction? I think. He's what they call a "natural" meaning he was already really ****ing good at pickup before he got into the pua community. So his posts don't have a ton of techbabble but you can probably figure out the way to present it from them. Keep in mind he talks as if he's talking to players, not how he would talk to women, in all of his posts. noone here is going to help you. Girls are obviously going to hate all over this.
Angel1111 Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 It's really not that easy. It really seems like most young women are on the husband-hunt. Whenever I meet a girl and we start dating, I have to pray she just wants to hookup but that's rarely the case. It's not so much that women are on a husband hunt. It's more that most women are not into casual sex and prefer to be in a loving relationship - whether it turns to marriage or not. Seriously, go to main street and pay someone to have sex with you if you don't want a relationship. Or, God forbid, stop dating and try something called abstinence. Women weren't put on this planet for you to fill your needs. This is called using people. Think about what you're saying.
TaurusTerp Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I had a similar experience when I was young and inexperienced. This girl stopped me just after clothes came off and said "We can't do any more unless we're dating. Are you my boyfriend?". And I said yes. Of course I said yes - I was 17, dumb, and horny - I would've promised her a trip to Disneyland. Of course, I regretted that in the morning and ended up breaking up with her after 2 days and was called a huge ******* (which I suppose I was). Anyway, moral of the story is, you should be discussing your relationship needs early so everyone is on the same page.
Taramere Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I've had a recurring problem with most of the girlfriends I've had. We'd start dating, then eventually we'd get making out, and working our way around the bases. Then before we get to sex, they drop the "Commit or no sex" speech. I've always caved in, but to be honest, I've really resent being pressured like this. I think it's really disrespectful to try and blackmail a guy into a relationship under threat of withholding sex. I really find it demeaning and childish quite frankly. I really don't want to be put in a situation like this again the next time I'm dating, but I really think the only way to get out of it is to strike first; to give an ultimatum of my own. Is there any smooth, sensitive way of telling a girl early that she needs to have sex first, or else I'm not dating her? Yes. Take her hand and stroke it while gazing into her eyes. Then make a little speech. "All human beings have certain needs and certain rights. Some human rights supercede others. You need and deserve to be loved. I need and deserve to have sex with you without having to develop any emotional attachment to you. I'm sure that with a bit of negotiation, we can reach some agreement that my needs and rights supercede yours, but if you don't agree, feel free to just tell me right now and we'll go our separate ways."
BackUpOrGetStung Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Tell them it's not smart to buy a car without test driving it. Don't word it like that, but just tell them that you've been in situations before where you entered into a relationship and the sex turned out to be lousy and strained the relationship. Just tell them that you respect their position and start getting up to leave..many will be sucked in after this and want you to "stay".
Author U1987 Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 No, they assume the guy is telling the truth and if he wasn't interested in a forming a relationship he'd say so. I know the OP described this happening on the second or third date I actually meant second or third base.
reservoirdog1 Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 (edited) Tell them it's not smart to buy a car without test driving it. Don't word it like that, but just tell them that you've been in situations before where you entered into a relationship and the sex turned out to be lousy and strained the relationship. Just tell them that you respect their position and start getting up to leave..many will be sucked in after this and want you to "stay". OP, I agree with this as a general principle. I wouldn't make a commitment a woman I hadn't had sex with. Sexual compatibility isn't everything in a relationship, but it's pretty damned important. And as such, it's very important to determine that compatibility before entering into a commitment. The test drive analogy, while crude, is what it basically comes down to. Quite a few women won't share this viewpoint, and that's fine. They're entitled to their viewpoint, and you're entitled to yours. Now, what to do: if you're on a first or second date, and the conversation turns towards the subject of sex, I think you could say this: "I think sexual compatibility is pretty important in a relationship. It's not the only important thing, but it's a potential make-or-break. When it's not there, it's almost impossible to have a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship. So a few years ago, I realized that commitment before sex was just too risky, too unpredictable, and too likely to lead to both of us being unsatisfied. This is potentially long-term happiness we're talking about, and that shouldn't be taken lightly." She may hear that and decide you're wrong for her, but that's okay. If it takes a date or two to find that out, it's hardly the end of the world. I think you've just had "bad luck" and happened to meet several girls whose views on the interplay of sex and marriage don't match yours. Don't sweat it -- there's many others out there. Edited October 22, 2010 by reservoirdog1
Anela Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 But you don't have to give them a relationship. These women are being upfront about what they want. They're not forcing you into anything. They're not manipulating you. They're not issuing ultimatums. But rather than appreciating the fact that they're honest, you're annoyed that they don't just ignore their own desires and spread their legs. Yep... And I think that it's a lot to ask for sex so quickly.. I've never understood why something so intimate would be handled in such a way. Have sex for a while, and then if we like each other enough, we'll eventually become boyfriend/girlfriend? Not my style.
Woggle Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 If we just wants casual sex there is nothing wrong with that but he is going about it wrongly. There are women who just want a quick lay and he needs to look for them. Use the internet if he has to. Don't seek out women who are not on the same page as he is.
Author U1987 Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 Yep... And I think that it's a lot to ask for sex so quickly.. I've never understood why something so intimate would be handled in such a way. Likewise, I can't understand why so many people view the opposite; that a relationship is a prerequisite for sex. Sex is the most important part of a relationship; how can you commit without testing it with a partner?
GooseChaser Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 (edited) Likewise, I can't understand why so many people view the opposite; that a relationship is a prerequisite for sex. Sex is the most important part of a relationship; how can you commit without testing it with a partner? Having the security of a relationship, exclusivity, trust, and greater safety both physically and mentally. Also, to ensure that the person cares about them for more than just their body. All of these are good reasons. Edited October 25, 2010 by GooseChaser
sagetalk Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 1. Then before we get to sex, they drop the "Commit or no sex" speech. 2. I've always caved in, but to be honest, I've really resent being pressured like this. I think it's really disrespectful to try and blackmail a guy into a relationship under threat of withholding sex. I really find it demeaning and childish quite frankly. 3. Is there any smooth, sensitive way of telling a girl early that she needs to have sex first, or else I'm not dating her? 1. Sounds like girls with working brains! 2. I think it's disrespectful to think girls should sleep with you just because that's what you want. You don't think it's demeaning to have them give it up without any commitment at all? That is the definition of demeaning. 3. I certainly hope there isn't.
daphne Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Yes. Take her hand and stroke it while gazing into her eyes. Then make a little speech. "All human beings have certain needs and certain rights. Some human rights supercede others. You need and deserve to be loved. I need and deserve to have sex with you without having to develop any emotional attachment to you. I'm sure that with a bit of negotiation, we can reach some agreement that my needs and rights supercede yours, but if you don't agree, feel free to just tell me right now and we'll go our separate ways." That almost made me cry it was so good.
skydiveaddict Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I've had a recurring problem with most of the girlfriends I've had. We'd start dating, then eventually we'd get making out, and working our way around the bases. Then before we get to sex, they drop the "Commit or no sex" speech. I've always caved in, but to be honest, I've really resent being pressured like this. I think it's really disrespectful to try and blackmail a guy into a relationship under threat of withholding sex. I really find it demeaning and childish quite frankly. I really don't want to be put in a situation like this again the next time I'm dating, but I really think the only way to get out of it is to strike first; to give an ultimatum of my own. Is there any smooth, sensitive way of telling a girl early that she needs to have sex first, or else I'm not dating her? Yes you do have a BIG problem. You don't understand how relationships work. You're not being "pressured" into anything. Rather, you are pressuring the girl into having sex before she is ready. Why not just pay for your fun, (a prostitute), rather than having to treat someone with a little respect?
Surrealist Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Buggar me is this thread for real? I haven't read it until now.... Mate you need to buy a bag of cement and HTFU! I'm so glad there's women still out there that refuse to give into pressure to have sex before commitment.
dispatch3d Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Buggar me is this thread for real? I haven't read it until now.... Mate you need to buy a bag of cement and HTFU! I'm so glad there's women still out there that refuse to give into pressure to have sex before commitment. don't worry, most guys give into the pressure of having a commitment before having sex. I kinda want to go the route of telling the girl that you're in a relationship but not considering it a relationship from your end until a further date down the line. Like a month or something. The problem with this comes into her being able to call you out on flirting with other girls, etc. Not to mention I have moral issues regarding lieing about my intent in a relationship. However, if you respond in the negative to this question it appears women take it as (1) you are only looking for casual sex (2) Your needs are more important than hers (3) Hopefully women don't "fall for this". The irony is her needs>your needs here. You need to get to know a girl more before committing to a relationship. She needs a relationship before having sex, and will throw you out the window if you disagree. You could, of course, just wait for sex. But then you'll find yourself in "friendzone" really often because you didn't make a move early enough. Ie. she thinks your a wussy for waiting 2 months to "make a move" and rejects you. So I guess the solution is to keep doing what you're doing?
Surrealist Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Maybe the OP should of articulated his problem a little different, but seriously, feeling pressured to go into a relationship? Well don't. If she don't want to have sex yet, then either move on or wait it out.
dispatch3d Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Maybe the OP should of articulated his problem a little different, but seriously, feeling pressured to go into a relationship? Well don't. If she don't want to have sex yet, then either move on or wait it out. his problem is women are setting things up as if you want sex give me a relationship and he doesn't want sex to be used as a bargaining chip in his relationships. I think that's a pretty fair concern....
brainygirl Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 The issue is really simple, OP and anyone else, needs to talk relationships and sex before either happens. that is it. End of drama.
Anela Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Having the security of a relationship, exclusivity, trust, and greater safety both physically and mentally. Also, to ensure that the person cares about them for more than just their body. All of these are good reasons. Exactly. (I need to post more, according to the board rules, but have nothing more to say...)
LiveWell Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 OP, tell the girl whatever you need to tell her to get laid.
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