Hurt

[Left in a Lurch]

I met a girl a few months ago and we hit it off. We talked until 5am the next couple of days.

She has kids and works a ton of hours, so I saw her sparingly over the last couple of months. The calls slowed down but we texted a lot. Since I met her she has texted me that she thinks I am amazing, too good to be true, and perfect for her. These came on a daily basis over the months with a couple of lulls.

She has a kid with an Ex that beat her badly, but never really told me about him to any degree. Last week she sent me a text that basically said she really wanted to be with me badly. Later than night I sent her a text back and it turns out she was with her ex and her son doing something and someone intercepted the text and sent back he was her boyfriend. I was shocked and gutted.

She later called me crying saying her ex grabbed the phone from her and she was not with him and she was scared to death to go home because he was threatening her.

She broke contact until the next night when she responded to a text from me saying she was physically ok, but exhausted and needed to go to bed.

After that she stopped texting. I sent her one this week asking if she was ok. She told me she was resigned to the fact she will never be happy with her situation like it was, even though she knows I adore her and she deserves me. I told her to let me in and we could work it together, she said she had tears in her eyes after I sent that.

Since then, no contact for 2 days. Her ex is a FB friend. Over those 2 days I saw her FB and she said to a friend she would drop what ever she had to make time to see the friend and then she had chit-chat type posts encouraging a response from her ex.

I was so hurt after all the things she said about me over the months, yet would drop everything to see someone other than me and that she would encourage the man she was deathly afraid of a few days before on FB,that I dropped her as a FB friend. I can't stand seeing that.

I have not heard anything from her for a couple of days and I really want to send her a text saying how incredibly hurt I am that she would just toss me away like garbage without even so much as a good bye. She couldn't have hurt me anymore if she had planned it. I feel like I need to send something to let her know how bad she left me when I have been nothing but nice to this girl, who can't even be decent with me a fraction of the degree she is being decent with her abusive ex.

She has plenty of time to call from another phone and when she is at work if she is worried about her ex seeing anything.

It hurts me to think she would leave me as a FB friend knowing I would see those things she posted. I just can't seem to accept that even if the situation is what it is, she would just pretend I no longer exist and not care that she totally gutted me.

Would I be a total ass-hat to send that text? I feel like I won't be able to move on without letting her know how deeply she hurt me and that there was no need for it.

[phineas]

I suspect she used you to make her ex jealous.

[Left in a Lurch]

It's definitely possible, but she left him over a year ago. I know other people that know her and they claim that's not the case.

I could see it though, but knowing what I know of her first-hand and from her friends she is very sweet and caring and she would have to be the meanest person I have ever met to do what she did to me on purpose.

I just wonder if I would be horrible to send that text.

[Fouts]

I suspect she used you to make her ex jealous.

 

I'd agree with this. Not as much of an ex as you probably think. I know some women who are very nice people in general, but for some reason drop the ball when dealing with men. Her friends wouldn't know this.

[Cracker Jack]

I don't think sending a text will help. She loved your attention and kindness, and basically fed you BS throughout. You can do without the leech.

[SlevinKalebra]

I don't think sending a text will help. She loved your attention and kindness, and basically fed you BS throughout. You can do without the leech.

 

BULLSEYE!! Leech, Attention whore, whatever you wanna call it they drive me insane.

[Sabali]

A good thing to always be aware of from women when it comes to dating is the early high praises. Someone telling you are "too good to be true" and "amazing" are usually people who have not been treated well in relationships recently. So when they see you, it is refreshing for a good minute but then they began to think about their ex more when your newness wears off. They just start wanting that ex again and think about him more and they realize that they were more caught up in the idea of moving on but they are not really ready to move on.

 

Second, absolutely do not send any messages and certainly do not send any text messages. It would be extremely weak on your part and vastly inferior compared to the your best option which I will bring up later.

 

 

Realize that you didn't really know this woman well. A "few months" is not enough time to get to know someone well. It just isn't. If you knew her well, you would have picked up on the ex thing. Something like this just can't hide from careful listening and observation.

 

 

Also, you have to realize one important thing. A woman who has a son by another man is in a strong parental bond in more cases than not. This bond is stronger than the usual bond if the woman put up with abuse throughout the relationship. That means she has a high tolerance for being treated like $#it so it can often take hell to freeze for these sort of women to lose attraction to their abusive boyfriend/ex.

 

Personally, I welcome children in a relationship with a woman. It is no issue for me at all but a woman with a child by an abusive ex who she stayed with is a danger zone I avoid at all cost. These women are so screwed up that your mission to rescue her from her former terrible life would be laughable. These sort of women are bad news. Period. They can go for years with the whole back and forth thing with their ex. The ex can almost surely come and hit it when he wants if he is persistent enough and talk about getting back with her so they could be a family.

 

 

Now, please don't send the text. All is fair in love and war. Once you accept this and the fact that these are some of the pitfalls of dating, you can move on more peacefully and with your head on straight...besides, you will only look wussy talking about your feelings and all of that to someone who really doesn't want you but want their ex instead. She will show it to her friends and maybe her ex. Someone will laugh.

 

I am sure that she really didn't intend to hurt you but this is what love does to a person. She probably had full intentions on trying to move on and forget her ex but it was just a dream.

 

 

Your best option here is to just stop contacting her. Trust me it works wonders. I still have someone I went no contact on two years ago who I thought was shady and she is still texting me messages, calling me and hanging up, sending FB messages, and I love you E-cards to this day and I haven't responded to any single one of those messages. That is how you send a powerful message, my friend. If you want to send a weak one, by all means, shine your thumbs up for that text messaging now.

 

You don't have to go as long as I am going but I suggest the strength of you message should be to the extent at which you felt you were wronged. I don't think you were really wronged here because, again, I don't think she intended to hurt you in the end so for your own sake, I would just not contact her for a long time and, hopefully, she will gain something out of it while you do.

[Left in a Lurch]

Thanks for all the responses, great advice. I think everyone was pretty much dead on. My head knows I'm dumb not to just forget it ever happened but I'm just having a hard time accepting it. It wasn't a great situation to start and I was iffy on it at first, but I stupidly can't just see the bright side of being out of it now.

I don't think she intended to hurt me but I know personally I would know if I hurt someone like that and I would at least tell them it wasn't my intention and not just disappear without saying so.

Problem is with my luck I'll go to the bar next month and I'll see her on a date with another guy and have her come up to me like we are old friends and nothing ever happened.

I think from now on when I meet someone that shows she is interested I will just punch myself in the nuts and walk away and save a lot of time and money.

[Tim The Enchanter]

I've become accustomed to the idea that you have to take what a woman says to you with a pinch of salt, especially when you've only known her a short while.

[Left in a Lurch]

I've become accustomed to the idea that you have to take what a woman says to you with a pinch of salt, especially when you've only known her a short while.

 

I hear ya, I struggle with this because I'm pretty straight forward. When she says, "You are amazing, I can't believe I met you..." daily for months and initiates it some of the time, I have a hard time not taking it as a good sign and making myself think she likely may be bs'ing me.

 

When I've been careful in the past they always disappear and things don't go very far because I walk away when they don't give me anything to show they are really interested. I've heard in the past from people that women wondered why I went away and it was usually because their actions panned out differently than what they said to me. So then it becomes damned if I do damned if I don't believe they are interested.

 

I'm usually pretty guarded and definitely not the smothering type so it's hard for me to walk the line when they say things like that. Then it's a matter of when do you start believing her without testing her?

 

I guess I'm just dumb when it comes to dating among other things because I don't know anymore how to start anything with someone based on not fully believing them. I feel like if I assume everyone might be saying something like that they don't mean then I'll have to assume it's a pointless effort every time.

 

You guys are awesome though. Your advice is helping me cope with my lack of ability to not chose the stupid things I want to believe when I really know what I should be doing.