Separation and Hurting Bad...very long 1st post

[MyOutdoors]

I'm glad I found this site, I'm going through a separation with my wife of 15 years and it hurts. I apologize for the length of this and thank any of you that give the time to read it. I’m not sure if any of this is going to help and I’m sure a lot of it will sound like ranting, but I had to start somewhere.

 

I've known my wife for 20 years and been married for 15 years, we have 2 children 4 and 12. I am a bigger guy and my wife would be labeled as "high maintenance”. I fell in love with her when we were young and I've always treated her like gold. I would say her parents enabled her and I took over when we married. Through the years we have always been on a roller coaster ride as far as our finances and job security. I've made a lot of mistakes and bad judgments throughout the years as well. I have always been able to "get us" out of our financial predicaments until now. I used to always blame myself but realized years ago that my wife has a spending problem. She agreed to be a stay at home mom after our first child and when things got tough financially I found that she was spending a ton of money on beauty products and clothes. Anyway I took on a job her father helped me get when I retired from law enforcement. This job was in sales and provided us with more money that ne we had ever seen. My wife and I started to live like “Rockstars” as I put it and I slowly watched my wife change into something I wasn’t. I never liked the “high” life or wealthy snobs as I put it, but we were becoming exactly that. Drugs got involved, my wife started to flirt with other women with my permission, etc. Things were basically out of control for the last 4 years of our marriage.

During this time, I hurt my wife emotionally by putting my job first and striving for promotions. At first we talked about it and both decided that if we saved the money I was making it would pay off a lot of debt and we could be free financially. This all sounded good in theory, but with her spending problem and addiction to living the “high life” we saved nothing and spent $100-$1,000 a week. I tried making up for coming home late nights with the guys, not answering her calls, partying 3 nights a week for “business” by spending money on her. All the while I knew I was wrong and didn’t want this life we had created. I built our “dream” house and we continually stacked up the bills. I became close to my wives father who now actually worked under me. I found out he was a greedy, selfish pig who liked prostitutes and played with recreation drugs at the age of 60. I witnessed him cheating on my mother-in-law and saw things I wish I never saw. I wanted out and could feel my soul being ripped in two.

I finally made a decision to leave after a falling out with my boss over the lifestyle he was living and expected me to live if I wanted to stay in the position I was in. Knowing this was financial suicide, I actually felt relieved that I had left that lifestyle. My wife obviously didn’t want to hear it and wanted me to go back to sales in order to make the amount of money we had grown accustomed too. Beside the bad lifestyle that job brought, it was borderline illegal for me to work there anyway due to my retirement restrictions. I explained to my wife that are original agreement for me to work there was only supposed to get us out of debt but we had somehow dug ourselves deeper. We now had to claim bankruptcy and lose everything. This caused serious stress on our marriage which was already in trouble because of the life we started to live. Over the last few months things got worse, it seemed we were arguing daily and our kids were starting to see it.

My wife was a born again Christian and she actually tried to get me to church for a year. I finally went after all this and broke down in church and got “saved”. Since that day I have become more religious and closer to God than I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve looked at myself and realized what I was doing to our marriage and our family. I apologized for everything and wanted to rebuild our family, home, and life together. This all sounded good, but I could see my wife slowly pulling away. She was acting in ways she has never acted. She was still spending. She was now starting to go out with girlfriends and staying out for a “few” drinks; she made plans to go on vacation to a girlfriend’s house down in Georgia for a week with my daughter during all this. Things felt wrong period. I started to get the feeling that I was being shown what I had put her through and tried to control my frustration and anger. I knew I was losing her and was trying to piece back our finances and marriage at the same time. I explained that along with my retirement and if her and I both worked p/t we would be able to live the way we supposedly always wanted too…within our means. She refused to work and said I was the reason for all this…I was a loser.

I was devastated and we got into a big argument. I thought long and hard and decided that I have never really felt loved by the women I had known for 20 years. I started to realize that this was all about money and “things”…not true love. I made a hasty decision to cut her off of my retirement which she never recognized as income. She kept telling me to get another job and work, work, work. As soon as I told her there was no more money for her to go and spend she really shut down. Her father and I finally had words and got into a shoving match over money. The very next day I found my wife moving out of the house with our two kids and all of the bedroom furniture. I pleaded that this wasn’t the way and that we could make this work but she only said she didn’t want to hurt me but this had to be done?

She claims she was afraid of me and that I mentally and physically abused her? She said she felt she hasn’t been able to look at me the same for years the same way she used too. After a month, I’m still in shock. How could this have happened to us? Since this incident, I’ve been looking back on our life and realizing all the negative things I’ve done in our relationship. I have physically pushed my wife before which is inexcusable. But I’ve never mentally abused her. We have gotten into some nasty argument where we both said some bad things to each other but I never mentally abused her. I sought out a counselor a week ago in order to try and take care of anything I felt I was wrong with in our relationship including the physical contact I had when I’ve pushed her. The counselor never condoned my actions and explained no one has the right to touch anyone…which I truly understand, but the more I explained how my wife and I always discussed that when we got into a heated argument and I asked to leave, that I really needed to cool down. She would always push the envelope and block the doorways or take my keys so I could never leave and vent…Anyway I’m not justifying anything, just trying to say that he agreed that the problem was caused by 2 problems compounded vs. 1. It seems the more help I get whether it is from a counselor, pastor or simply reading books, I realize that this isn’t my entire fault.

I have confessed to her everything that I have done wrong. I know I hurt her, but I’ve also tried to explain how I’ve been hurting and she doesn’t want to hear any of it. I tried to explain that our marriage has fallen apart due to my mistakes and hers. I just think the difference is that I’ve admitted to mine and have made the changes that need to be made; she refuses to accept any responsibility for anything.

A lot of things have come to light in the last month. I found out through friends, family and her own admittance that she has been lying to me for years about spending and all sorts of stupid things that never make any sense. Anytime I mentioned that I didn’t feel that I was truly loved she would get mad at me...now she admits she hasn’t looked at me the same for years? She is very selfish when it comes to her spending, all she could talk about going through the bankruptcy is that she always wanted to get a tummy tuck, and that her boob job would need to be redone in a few years? She cried in the middle of her closet sitting on a pile of clothes with the tags still on them? When I packed all her clothes into a bag in order to bring them to her “new” place, it took 40 large “HD” bags just to put her clothes in…clothes with tags still on them, clothes that were doubles?

She has now moved into her sister condo and her sister has moved out to a small apartment with a friend? My wife still will not get a job and his living there free! Her parents have given her one of their brand new vehicles for free. She has already started to buy “stuff” for the condo so it looks cozy she says. I feel she’s living in a dream. She has agreed to split the custody of our kids where I have them from Sunday-Wednesday and she has them Wednesday night to Sunday morning. I started giving her child support according to my lawyer and the current calculations in Mass. But I can’t believe this is happening? She seems to only call me when she wants something. She refuses to go seek marriage coucelling and says she’ll do it when she’ s ready? She claims she just needs time to see if she wants to go on being married to me and if she can find her spirit? Am I just being stupid for trying to make this work? I can’t get her out of my mind. Everywhere I go I see us together and relive all of our positive memories. I cry every day thinking this is all lost. I’m a wreck. I look for her calls and texts but never get anything unless I try first.

I read the book His Needs Her Needs and parenting and see how our marriage went into a downward spiral. The book shows how marriages go south after kids and it’s a roadmap to what we went through. I’ve tried to get her to read it but she stresses out and refuses to be pushed into anything that would help our marriage. She numb and not the same women I once knew? There is so much more but this is already too long. If your read this much than I honestly thank you and would respect your comments or advice.

[Steadfast]

I can understand your pain, but your post is confusing. For example; you say your wife came into the marriage spoiled (you took the job over from her parents) but now wonder what happened to the woman you once married? Not trying to be sarcastic, but she seems alive and well.

 

Unfortunately, when you place your hands on a woman -even a selfish gold digger like your wife- you forfeit any right to complain. Unless she's pointing a gun at you or your children, it's a lose-lose. For everyone.

 

At this point, I'd let her go and adopt the decision to keep it that way. Among other bad things, she seems to bring out the worst in you. What's the old saying? No good deed goes unpunished? If your story is accurate and no physical harm was done when you shoved her (and her father? Dude...) you certainly didn't help by indulging her year after year with expensive gifts and shopping sprees. By now, she probably thinks you were trying to buy her affection, and perhaps she is right. The best kind of gifts are thoughtful expressions of love. Overdone, they lose their flavor.

 

Work the custody into your favor and concentrate on being a good father to your children. When you see their mother, treat her with respect and genuine kindness. Over time and with consistency, this will truly show your remorse for the mistakes you've made and provide a good example for the kids. The relationship between you two? Think addition by subtraction-

[MyOutdoors]

It does sound confusing. The more I look at it the more I feel it was never meant to be. I feel I've done everything for her...worked 2 jobs, built our home with my own 2 hands, gave her everything from cars to money, shopping sprees...I guess now that the cyclone has passed and I'm looking at the mess, it's getting pretty clear where her intentions were and how she truly felt as well once the money was taken out of the picture.

 

Why does it hurt so much for me? I guess I'm having trouble that I truly was in love with this woman. I sit home alone waiting for her to call, text or do a surprise visit but nothing ever comes. I feel like a moron waiting for her.

 

I was trying to show my affection by texting nice things, calling her or trying to bring a morning coffee so we could just talk, but she refuses to meet or return any text. The only time she calls is when she wants something out of the house or money.

 

After reading the book, his needs her needs, I feel the answers to alot of questions I had are now right in front of me, but she won't give our marriage a chance to be fixed. She claims she's not with anyone else and that she needs space so she can find herself and see if she really loves me? She says she has taken control of the situation and doesn't want to hurt me, but needs time. Everyone I've talked to or read about says that time is not on our side. I never have felt the way I do right now...I'm in pain and getting sick over this, I feel pathetic.

[carhill]

Yep, just like how parents can emotionally abuse children and leave no marks, but the belt leaves a mark. I felt the sting of emotional abuse and abandonment, but it left no mark; I was not battered in the eyes of the law. I took out my physical aggression on the lawn mower

 

The clear imperative is owning your behaviors and accepting how things are *now*.

 

Get your lawyer started on the legal aspects and have no further contact with her, except specifics regarding visitation of your children.

 

During our divorce, I had no contact with my exW except about specific divorce business.

 

Boundaries. Decide them now, with your lawyer's help, and aggressively assert them. Expect push-back. No worries. Care less. You will see a side of her that you haven't seen before. That's really good information. So will she. What you've been doing didn't work. Now it's time for something new. Good luck

Edited October 22, 2010 by carhill

[MyOutdoors]

I can't just shut my love off for her, I keep hoping for her to come around. She hasn't filed for divorce and keeps saying she just needs time?

[Steadfast]

 

Why does it hurt so much for me? I guess I'm having trouble that I truly was in love with this woman. I sit home alone waiting for her to call, text or do a surprise visit but nothing ever comes. I feel like a moron waiting for her.

 

I was trying to show my affection by texting nice things, calling her or trying to bring a morning coffee so we could just talk, but she refuses to meet or return any text. The only time she calls is when she wants something out of the house or money.

 

 

She is either trying to teach you a lesson or she really does not want to be with you right now. If it's the latter, the worst possible thing you can do is force it; that'll only drive her farther away. The best rule of thumb when dealing with a walk-away is when they pull away, pull away harder. Give them what they want. This also is effective if she's letting you drift in order to get her hooks back into; this time deeper and stronger than before. She may sense you're giving up and will panic. As long as you're kissing her ass, she's confident in her control over you. Time to take that control back.

 

My sincere question to you is, in spite your obvious love why would you want to live this life again? At best, she's a spoiled, materialistic brat with narcissistic tendencies. You may love un-filtered Camels and Jack Daniels for breakfast, but you know it's bad for you. Presently, she's bad for you.

 

 

She claims she's not with anyone else and that she needs space so she can find herself and see if she really loves me?

 

 

That's a bold face lie. She knows if she loves you or not. When a woman truly loves a man, wild horses couldn't keep them away. With many men, pride becomes a factor in marriage issues because they don't want to 'lose'. I see you openly questioning her behavior and admitting that she has not returned the love you gave her, yet you still want her back. She's in control, not you, and it's making you nuts. Many men suffer with this.

 

Newsflash: She was ALWAYS in control of what she did. You never were. Perhaps on some levels she does care for you, or perhaps she stuck around as long as it suited her. In either case, take her actions (not her words) as an indicator of how she truly feels and trash the rest. Again, I know you love her, but you must let her go. It's the only way you will ever know her true feelings towards you. It's hard, but you must.

 

Rest, eat and be the best dad you can be while working it out-