Ladies, is this really true?

[marksaysay]

It'll take her, what, ten minutes at the local cell store to get her own account and phone? IMO, don't bother playing these games. Still haven't filed a response yet? The clock is ticking. Don't let this go to default. She doesn't sound like the amicable sort.

 

She can't get her own. Her credit is not good enough to do it. Also, she hasn't really filed yet. I found this out yesterday.

[carhill]

Prepaid phone. No credit required.

 

How did you find out she hasn't filed? Did you check with the court?

[marksaysay]

That's fine if she gets a prepaid. With all the activity she's doing, she's gonna have to pay to do it. Plus, she can't afford the cancellation fee for her current phone. Also, she said it hasn't been filed because she didn't pay the fee.

[carhill]

Who's paying the phone bill and who's on the account as primary? If that's you, then just cut the service to her phone.

 

Yeah, the fee here was almost 400.00, with service via LEO. Pretty steep. If you respond here, it's another 350 or so.

[shmuelik]

That's fine if she gets a prepaid. With all the activity she's doing, she's gonna have to pay to do it. Plus, she can't afford the cancellation fee for her current phone. Also, she said it hasn't been filed because she didn't pay the fee.

 

Mark, I read the tread and I think your porn stuff is not much the issue as some said already.

The only way is that you try to make her the number one priority without looking at the moment what is in there for you.

You said she has her part in it. I have to tell you that I thought the same and I was never successful to save my marriage. The truth is that we men in most cases are responsible ALONE for our wifes unhappyness. As a woman here already wrote, most men take their wives for granted once they are married to her and drop all the brumborium they did in the beginning to get her.

 

I think you want to get back into this mode like when you dated her.

Ask what you did then that made her decide to marry you. And do the things today again and keep doing them.

 

I turned my marriage around after being on the verge on a divorce and I found amazing things that I didn't know before.

 

The only thing that I need to ask you is that you need to give up for a few weeks/months what you thought the relationship between husband and wife is suppose to be. I think we got all quite out of touch what a healthy marriage looks like.

 

 

I really hope you can turn it around and I'm sure you can if you really want it and you do everything possible to save it.

Keep us posted about your progress.

Edited October 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[marksaysay]

The last few days have been a rollercoaster. I've got my new apartment. Wife has removed all traces of me from our home. I've discovered she lied about a relationship with another man. I'm not so convinced that her desire to divorce has to do with me. It's more about her not wanting to stop what she's doing. Her mother even says that I should just deal with it and accept her "playing". Don't get me wrong, I know I've got much work if this marriage has any chance at all, I'm just not ready to give up just yet.

[carhill]

Her mother even says that I should just deal with it and accept her "playing".

 

She told you that, directly? Whoa, apples and trees....

 

My sympathies...

[marksaysay]

She didn't exactly say that but she implied it stating that I didn't understand the "rules" of separation. While that may be the case, I do know that marriage means being faithful and monogomous both physically and emotionally. She was married to a man who was unfaithful throughout their relationship and learned to accept it with many bouts of separation. I don't accept it. I don't believe it to be right. I'm not going to sit back and do nothing. I may not involve her in my attempts to bring this marriage back together, but I will not accept it. I will do what I can for as long as I can to get my family back. My efforts may not end up being successful, but I just don't take things lying down. I will fight to the end. I will try my hardest. It ain't over until the fat lady sings. She may be warming up now, but I haven't heard her say anything just let. Wish me luck.

[GorillaTheater]

Mark, have you visited the Divorce Busters or Marriage Builders websites? There's a wealth of information there about dealing with the situation you find yourself in.

 

From those sites, and from my own experience, I take away several lessons.

 

The first is that the odds are against reconciliation. There are exceptions, and your situation may well be one of them, but that's the reality.

 

The second is that the most successful tactic to eventually reconcile is to let go of the rope (the infamous "180"), prepare yourself for divorce, file when you're ready, and begin to date. Utterly counter-intuitive stuff. But look at your own situation (which is pretty common): your wife is with another man, and you want her more than ever. How counter-intuitive is that?

[marksaysay]

In life, I have faced many situtations where the odds were against me. I find that I'm a very determined individual who hates to be told that I can't do something or that something is impossible. I know that chances are not very good that my wife will ever come back to me. I know that odds are in favor of her moving on and creating a new life for herself. I have read countless stories of situations similar to my own. I have read about the many relationships that were never able to be recovered. But I've also read where, when all seemed lost, a troubled and infidelity-filled relationship was, against all odds, reconciled and made stronger than ever. The fact that there are some that do recover gives me hope that my story can possibly result in a happy ending. The thing I cannot accept is going away without trying. Obviously, it's gonna take a much different approach to what I've been doing and a commitment to stay the course. I know I've got a long road ahead, but I couldn't live with myself if I just gave up. There may be 95 of 100 relationships similar to mine that don't recover, there is still 5 that do. This is all predicated by a desire and drive to maintain a family and that's what I want to do. Will i be successful? I don't know, but I will try. Thanks for your input.

[HopelessinDTW]

In life, I have faced many situtations where the odds were against me. I find that I'm a very determined individual who hates to be told that I can't do something or that something is impossible. I know that chances are not very good that my wife will ever come back to me. I know that odds are in favor of her moving on and creating a new life for herself. I have read countless stories of situations similar to my own. I have read about the many relationships that were never able to be recovered. But I've also read where, when all seemed lost, a troubled and infidelity-filled relationship was, against all odds, reconciled and made stronger than ever. The fact that there are some that do recover gives me hope that my story can possibly result in a happy ending. The thing I cannot accept is going away without trying. Obviously, it's gonna take a much different approach to what I've been doing and a commitment to stay the course. I know I've got a long road ahead, but I couldn't live with myself if I just gave up. There may be 95 of 100 relationships similar to mine that don't recover, there is still 5 that do. This is all predicated by a desire and drive to maintain a family and that's what I want to do. Will i be successful? I don't know, but I will try. Thanks for your input.

 

Mark- Many people here on LS, including myself, hear where you are coming from, and feel the same way you do. It's natural for men to not give in and not listen when told all hope is lost. But I think the underlying message that everyone here is trying to help you see is that you can only control you. That's 50% of the relationhip, the other 50% is your wife. You have no control over her, and you should not try to. In these cases "trying" to save the marriage equates to doing the 180, which has been told is counter-intuitive, and in the stage where you are you probably don't really get it. BUT, experiance here has shown it to be the only fix, if it can be fixed.

[Owl]

Mark,

 

I too understand where you're coming from. I'm in a reconciled marriage, after my wife had an emotional affair six years ago.

 

I had a lot of people telling me similar things...that our marriage wouldn't make it. I get fighting for it when others say that it's not likely to work out.

 

With that said, there are some key factors that "made the difference" in my situation. Things that others didn't bother to ask or learn about our relationship PRIOR to her affair.

 

1. How good of a "foundation" do you have to rebuild from?- My wife's affair occurred when we had been married for about 17 years. Our marriage had turned rocky that last year prior to her affair...mostly due in our case to her untreated depression and issues with online gaming addiction. BUT...we had 16 years of wonderful foundation to rebuild from. We knew how good things could be between us, and we'd lived that way for a relatively long time. Without that concrete foundation, or marriage would have never recovered...we'd have had no healthy basis to rebuild from. What's your "foundation"?

 

2. My wife's EA (emotional affair) hadn't had a chance to solidify when she was caught.- I'd suspected that there was something going on for nearly 2 months before I finally realized that she wouldn't admit it if something was going on. I caught them just a few weeks into the EA. They'd not yet had a chance to physically get together, nor did they truly know each other. That was both good and bad. I had to fight the "fantasy factor" of their relationship...but it also meant that once I got her thinking rationally, she could see that for herself. She'd never cheated on me before, nor did she truly get the chance to "enjoy" cheating this time.

 

3. She never got the chance to completely "fall out of love" with me.- As her relationship with OM grew, ours died. But since it was found out early enough, she never 'lost her love' for me...instead, I got the dreaded "I love you but not in love with you" speech. Even during her affair she had this picture of me being a part of her life.

 

I'm not citing all of this to rub it into your face, my friend. I'm asking you to consider what reasons your wife would have to even consider reconciliation with you?

 

At this point...she's been cheating for a while. She's having fun, and she's got no real reason to want to stop doing that. Right or wrong, she feels 'justified' in what she's doing (which I believe is WRONG, big time, but that's irrelevent).

 

She doesn't sound like she would even consider giving you a chance at this point.

 

All I can suggest is what someone else did...check out marriagebuilders...and consider a die-hard, stellar "plan A". That's designed to make her see the value in continuing a relationship with you. If that starts to work, you may have a chance. Just be very careful to keep it from turning into "plan doormat", where she walks all over you. If she can't respect you, she can't love you.

 

I wish you the best my friend.

[You Go Girl]

Mark, I agree that marriage builders is a good site for you to visit. I do love that you are a man willing to fight for your marriage, some don't go the distance. You are.

I also think there is more than one possibility here. Your W may be using this other man to numb her feelings about you, since she wants to throw destructive bombs on your marriage because of her hurt.

I don't know what the answer is to solve that, short of really having a heart to heart with her, which I believe you have done.

Are you distant or aloof when you have your heart to hearts with her? Because some men don't realize how cold they appear to women who are a much more emotionally expressive creature.

If you had a warm heart to heart with her or two or three already, then backing off and giving her the distance she insists upon is the right thing to do, because she is getting off on showing you just who's in control now.

She will come out of the affair fog, it's a given. Whether that takes a few weeks or a year is the key. There will come a time when you don't want to wait for her anymore, and sometimes, it is too late when she comes out of the fog.

[Too Much]

Mark, I agree that marriage builders is a good site for you to visit. I do love that you are a man willing to fight for your marriage, some don't go the distance. You are.

I also think there is more than one possibility here. Your W may be using this other man to numb her feelings about you, since she wants to throw destructive bombs on your marriage because of her hurt.

I don't know what the answer is to solve that, short of really having a heart to heart with her, which I believe you have done.

Are you distant or aloof when you have your heart to hearts with her? Because some men don't realize how cold they appear to women who are a much more emotionally expressive creature.

If you had a warm heart to heart with her or two or three already, then backing off and giving her the distance she insists upon is the right thing to do, because she is getting off on showing you just who's in control now.

She will come out of the affair fog, it's a given. Whether that takes a few weeks or a year is the key. There will come a time when you don't want to wait for her anymore, and sometimes, it is too late when she comes out of the fog.

 

What is the "affair fog" and why does everyone seem to think the cheating spouse always comes out of "it" to regret his or her actions? Is this simply wishful thinking on the non-cheating spouse's part? Not trying to sound sarcastic, just interested in understanding more.

[Owl]

What is the "affair fog" and why does everyone seem to think the cheating spouse always comes out of "it" to regret his or her actions? Is this simply wishful thinking on the non-cheating spouse's part? Not trying to sound sarcastic, just interested in understanding more.

 

Nope. Most of us who have been down this path, and/or have been on these forums for a while have seen this play out over and over.

 

The "fog" is basically the wayward spouse's (WS's) inability to think clearly and/or rationally while involved in the affair. People often comment it's like they've been abducted by aliens.

 

Suddenly their memory of the marital history, their perception of their spouse, their family, their friends...all becomes distorted. Case in point...my wife, during her affair and shortly after was INSISTENT that she'd "not been happy in years". I honestly tried to look back on our marriage and see it. I couldn't. Unhappy for the last several months...yes. It was clear, and it was a contributing factor to the situation. But YEARS? Couldn't see it. I asked our kids, I asked our friends, her family, my family...no one could see it. I asked for specific examples of what made her unhappy, for where she'd tried telling me...she couldn't give a single example of what she was talking about.

 

Funny thing is...after the affair, during counseling, her story slowly changed. From YEARS, down to "the last few years", down to "the last year", and finally "the last couple of months".

 

Afterwards, even SHE could see where her thinking and mindset was clearly skewed and distorted. She couldn't see it while she was in it...but she could see it afterwards.

 

Like the "fog of war"...only a little more specific.

[marksaysay]

My wife definitely has distorted our marital history quite a bit. I'm somewhat torn between whether thee is any use in me continuing on with this thought that we still have a sliver of hope fir reconciliation. What gives me hope is the fact that throughout this whole ordeal, she never said anything about divorce until I busted her with all of my proof including catching her with (just talking at his place of employment) who she initially said was a stranger. Heck, up until a week ago, she was still willing to be my sounding board when I had a rough day at work. That's not the case now as I know to much. Of course I knew better. She later admitted that he was an old high school classmate who she enjoyed hanging out with in addition to texting and talking to quite frequently.

 

Do I believe that this all will play out at some point? Yes I do. What I don't know is where will my heart be whenit does. I'm committed to making changes in order that I don't repeat the same mistakes in any relationships moving forward, whether or not we get back together. And right now, I really want the opportunity to show her that I can change since she said I couldn't. But will I be receptive to her 3, 6, or 12 months down the road? Only time will tell.

Edited November 3, 2010 by marksaysay

[HopelessinDTW]

Nope. Most of us who have been down this path, and/or have been on these forums for a while have seen this play out over and over.

 

The "fog" is basically the wayward spouse's (WS's) inability to think clearly and/or rationally while involved in the affair. People often comment it's like they've been abducted by aliens.

 

Suddenly their memory of the marital history, their perception of their spouse, their family, their friends...all becomes distorted. Case in point...my wife, during her affair and shortly after was INSISTENT that she'd "not been happy in years". I honestly tried to look back on our marriage and see it. I couldn't. Unhappy for the last several months...yes. It was clear, and it was a contributing factor to the situation. But YEARS? Couldn't see it. I asked our kids, I asked our friends, her family, my family...no one could see it. I asked for specific examples of what made her unhappy, for where she'd tried telling me...she couldn't give a single example of what she was talking about.

 

Funny thing is...after the affair, during counseling, her story slowly changed. From YEARS, down to "the last few years", down to "the last year", and finally "the last couple of months".

 

Afterwards, even SHE could see where her thinking and mindset was clearly skewed and distorted. She couldn't see it while she was in it...but she could see it afterwards.

 

Like the "fog of war"...only a little more specific.

 

Owl...jsut have to wow. This is exactly what my stbx said..."for years I've been unhappy"..."our marriage has been over for years". I did the same thing and thought back, and really 6 months before we separated she wanted to have another child? So if it was over, than why would you want another child. Just by that alone I was convinced that she was in the "fog"...she even convinced our mutual friend of how she felt. When I asked the mutual friend why she asked me to have another child, she replied my stbx thought that would make her happy? How screwed up is that!!

 

OP, like I said I admire you for trying to keep you M alive. And I hope it works out for you. But don't try to figure out your wife. Just because she didn't say anything about divorce doesn't mean anything. Right now she's riding the fence. She's keeping her control over you while having an affair. Yes...you guessed it...you have now become Option B. If Option A doesn't work out, she knows she can always get Option B since she's playing you like a puppet. So how does it feel to be Option B?? Do you really want this? Do you really want to be married to someone who would consider you an 'option' after all the years of marriage?? Please think about it...

[marksaysay]

OP, like I said I admire you for trying to keep you M alive. And I hope it works out for you. But don't try to figure out your wife. Just because she didn't say anything about divorce doesn't mean anything. Right now she's riding the fence. She's keeping her control over you while having an affair. Yes...you guessed it...you have now become Option B. If Option A doesn't work out, she knows she can always get Option B since she's playing you like a puppet. So how does it feel to be Option B?? Do you really want this? Do you really want to be married to someone who would consider you an 'option' after all the years of marriage?? Please think about it...

 

You're right. That doesn't mean anything. I just play back the events of the last few weeks and make that assumption, but it's so hard not to think about that type of stuff. I'm an analytical and I always analyze and sometimes overanalyze things. The thing that I feel so strongly about is the fact that, so far, all of my assumptions have been correct to this point. Maybe I just dont want to let go. Maybe I'm crazy for trying to keep my family together. Maybe it will never work out the way I desire or maybe it will. Maybe I care too much for someone I wasn't really meant to be with. Maybe this is the exact event in the story of a lifelong relationship that put me in the proper mindset to appreciate her and love her the way I should. Those are a lot of maybes.

 

As far as the option B goes, I'm sure I wont be the first or last to accept a cheating spouse back, if that ever happens. I'm sure ther are many marriages that have rebounded from infidelity. There are many people who have endured many nights waiting (and I use this loosely) for the fog to lift and the love of their life to return. Understand that I don't plan on 'waiting' for her as I work on me. I don't plan on not doing things to occupy my time so that I can begin to enjoy life and get past this hurt. What I do plan on doing is working on making myself a better man. I can't say that, at this point and time, that I'm going to run out and start dating, because I do still love her and being with someone else just is not an option right now. Eventually, I will get to the place where she does not fill my thoughts frequently, but I'm not ther yet. I don't know and can't say if I will be willing to take her back, but I do know that if it is meant to be, it will be.

 

Right now, I'm still hurting extremely bad. I know time will help this subside, but how do you just turn off love. Option b may be who I am right now, but I can not and will not walk out and just give up until it's time. Understand also that I'm no longer pleading or trying to remind her of anything. I'm not really speaking with her much at all. I will get through this. I may end up being the only reason our marriage resurrects from the dead because of my "weak" heart. I may also prove to be the one who ultimately pushed my wife away for good. I don't know. Time will tell.

[HopelessinDTW]

Mark: Hang in there...I know how you feel. I just wanted you to realize and appreciate the fact that she may not come back to you. It seems like you do realize that, and are taking a healthy approach to all this. I really do hope things will work out for you and your family. BUT, please ask yourself this question "Do you miss her, or miss having the family unit?" In my case, I did miss her, but what I really wanted more than anything else was the family unit. That's what I always longed for in a marriage...just the feeling of togetherness. The fact that 'togetherness' is gone hurts me a lot more than the fact she's gone. So now my idea of a family unit has to be modified to fit the new reality. That's what's so tough to get a handle of and to overcome.