Ladies, is this really true?

[marksaysay]

My wife recently filed for divorce saying that she "loved me but was no longer in love with me". She said that she was tired of not getting the attention she wanted and that she felt I could never give her what she wanted and needed. Understand that we've been married for 10 years and together for 12 years. Another component of the problem is my pornography addiction that I'm am now going to counseling for to get over. Is it really true, that once a woman makes up her mind, there is nothing you can do?

[MyOutdoors]

Sorry to here this and feel your pain. I'm going through a seperation right now as well. In the process I've picked up a book called "His needs Her Needs how to prevent an affair", I truly wish they would have handed this book out at the alter.

 

It makes so much sense. We all have needs and what we usually don't realize is that although those needs are the same for male and female, they fall into different priorities...example:

 

Wife compalins her husband doesn't give her affection (her #1 priority) and the husband claims his wife doesn't meet his sexual needs (his #1 priority), it all turns into a vicious cycle. How do you fix it? Book explains how to communicate with one another and spell these needs out to you partner and work on those needs first. Not sure if this is too little too late, but I've read the book and will use it hopefully with my current wife.

[beachbum84]

I can't speak for all women, but I can give my 2 cents.

 

As a woman who feels likewise neglected by my husband I can say that for me, if he'd just lavish me with attention it would make all the differnce in the world.

 

In the dating process men woo and impress the females. Once you get married, its seems to get all very mundane. And from that stems feelings of not being worthy, feeling unattractive, and undesired. I don't think enough husbands realize that the dating relationship and honeymoon phase are so good b/c they are lavishing us with all kinds of attention that we crave. But soon enough we settle into married life, where compliments are fewer and further between, being taken out isn't so exciting or as often experienced.

 

I know that as a woman I crave attention & validation from the opposite sex. And I assumed that was my husband's role to fulfill after we said I do, since it would be inappropriate to seek that attention elsewhere. Right?

[dreamingoftigers]

Well the porn addiction probably baked it for her. My husband is a porn addict as well and as someone who has been co-dependent to a porn and sex addiction it is nothing but brutal to a woman's sexual self-esteem.

 

Your conseling is a good step, but that is nothing compared to the effort you are going to have to put in to saving your marriage if you even have a hope in hell.

 

1) She doesn't trust you anymore.

2) She feels unattractive and of very little worth to you.

3) If she has been married to you for so long, she probably feels like she has given you more then enough time to change.

 

In many ways I found the porn addiction more toxic then the cheating. See cheating requires opportunity and two willing partners. Pornography is so prevalent in today's society that she could easily be traumatized even just out and about day to day.

 

Going to a mall or grocery store triggers a bit of a depression for me, it makes me feel very cornered knowing that my mate seeing those images would have that longing to be with those women, whereas he would barely notice I exist.

 

I would not say that there is nothing you could do at this point. I would say that the odds are very slim at this point and that you would have to show (AND TELL!) that you are incredibly interested in having a healthy, loving sexual relationship with her. Become a trustworthy person! That you take responsibility for the behaviours that have caused her hurt to the point where she wants to leave you. And you need to drag your butt to some meetings. (Whether or not she decides to come back) Meetings are not fun but they help you meet other people (mostly men) who have gotten past the addiction's hold on their life and you can work through some of the things that set you up to self-destruct. I wish you luck.

 

When you cam PM me, feel free.

 

It has taken her a long time to emotionally detach from you, so right now you are a source of pain for her. if you can show her that you will not continue to be, then you might have a chance.

[beachbum84]

[quote= 1) She doesn't trust you anymore.

2) She feels unattractive and of very little worth to you.

3) If she has been married to you for so long, she probably feels like she has given you more then enough time to change.

 

I have to say I agree!

 

I wouldn't classify my H as addicted to porn (or at least I'm unaware of it if he is). But when I was pregnant he didn't want to be intimate at all. It made me feel horrible. I was already dealing with the self-esteem issues with my body changing and gaining weight, and then my husband wouldn't even touch me. Then when I discovered the porn on our computer I was devestated. I really can't properly describe in words how much it hurt to find that. I felt like I could never be what he fantasized about, I knew I had many months left of pregnancy to go and just daily dwelled on how I just couldn't match up to those girls. I felt worthless, ugly, undesirable, and lonely. Its truly amazing what porn can do to a women's self-esteem if she's not onboard with it.

[marksaysay]

At one point in our marriage, the porn didn't bother her. But as the years progressed, it became more and more of an issue. I would guess that this has been a problem of mine for roughly 20 years (im 34). I do feel I'm getting over it as i've been able to confess it to several people over the past few weeks. Also, since I'm now here at home by myself, this would have easily been prime time for that activity. while I have thought about it, I haven't given in. This makes me believe I will get over it.

 

The thing that makes it difficult to me is the fact that prior to her announcement, I had made a conscience effort to make changes. I had started reading books, was going thru the "Love Dare" and was going in the right direction. Then came the "bomb". I think I have a couple things going for me. Everybody tells me that her seeing a change in me will make all the difference in the world if I have a chance at all. And I have a couple of chance a week for her to experience the changes that I WILL be making because we chose to remain at the same church and we both decided we would not give up playing together on our bowling team. If I have a chance at getting her back, those opportunities will help me. I won't beg and plead with her to take me back. I will just have to show her. I have a chance to show her that I can be that same person she fell in love with. If true love was there before, I believe it can be again. I also believe that if God truly put us together, nothing can separate us. I'm going to hold on to my faith....

[Tayla]

yes its absolutely feasible to love someone and not be in love with them.

But that isnt the real issue here is it?

Rather the relationship has hit rock bottom and there is a point that comes about that says "No more"...

Every human has a boundary and a level of tolerance. To what degree we go, is the mystery sometimes.

 

What worked in the past to win her over may or may not work. ITs been my experience that you cannot turn back the clock. Instead new behaviors and even new rituals can establish a more solid relation if indeed both are willing.

 

As someone stated, you are her pain (distorted as that sounds) , but you represent that. I am not saying in reality that you are that...its her perception and her emotions and they deserve to be regarded.

 

Unsure what medical therepy you are getting for this....self improvements and changes take more then just isolating away from the addiction...its a life altering attitude and adjustment...it doesnt get cured in a week or ever really...Modification behavior is a start though.....Have her go with you to at least learn how to support you if she can make that step.....

[marksaysay]

You guys have done a really good job at cheering me up . I do know that it is a hard task in front of me, but I will continue to try. They say as long as one still has love, then there is a chance and I will hold on to that little chance I have for now. My efforts may turn out to be futile, but I'll continue to make changes, and if I don't get her back, then it wasn't God's will and I will have to accept it. Believe me, this is the hardest lesson to ever learn and one that will, I'm sure, be appreciated at some point and time. I just hope that it hasn't totally cost me the one whom I planned on spending the rest of my life with.

[carhill]

So get counseling and file a response to the divorce filing. Do both proactively. She has said she doesn't want to be married to you anymore. I assume she has moved out and is living separately.

 

IMO, since she moved right to D without substantial communication nor suggestion of counseling, I wouldn't make it easy on her. Continue going to church and doing your activities.

 

Tell me, was she the perfect wife and you're the porn-addicted inattentive husband? Just trying to get a feel here. Having been married, I know no marriage nor marital partner is perfect.

 

Do you have children?

 

She said that she was tired of not getting the attention she wanted and that she felt I could never give her what she wanted and needed.

 

Has she been getting it somewhere else? There are confessionals in the church for a reason.

[marksaysay]

I don't really think I want to file a response. It would make it even more difficult to ever have a chance, if i still have any at all. And no, she was not the perfect wife. One of her biggest issues is accepting any personal responsibility. She would literally find a reason to blame me for something. While I know there are tons of things that I can work on, it's difficult for her to see any in herself. She even bought a relationship book and never opened it. But look, I know that much of what I'm going through has a lot to do with my issues, I just wish she would recognize hers. The bible says that recognizing your issues makes it easy to forgive someone else (this was a paraphrase). Just not sure if she will ever see her own, but I still love her nontheless. Yes, we have a 7 yr old daughter that we will have joint custody of.

 

I did recently discover that she'd been on dating sites and having some inappropriate communication with several different guys. Do I believe she had a PA? No, but I know there has been an EA. But I love her and I'm willing to move past that.

[Woggle]

If it weren't the porn it would be something else. When a woman is in her let's blame everything on the man mode nothing you do will ever be right.

[carhill]

Be calm. You have a daughter. You've disclosed more information. You've identified an important risk factor in a divorce, that being that your wife has a propensity for shifting blame and responsibility. I would *strongly* suggest getting sound legal advice before making any decisions. I've gone through the process in Cali and we filed our final papers this week. Request mediation. The key here is to take charge and be focused and proactive. This shows your wife that you're confident and will move to assert your perspective. You *can't* make her fall back in love with you. Either she will or she won't. You've indicated her attentions may be elsewhere. I know this path.

 

Read up on the 180 program on Marriage Builders. You may need it.

 

Your marriage will never be the same again, if it survives. It will be a completely new relationship. Throw out the past. Get going with counseling. Do one positive task each day. Tomorrow is call the lawyer day. Only takes a few minutes to call and the hour is free.

 

Good luck

[You Go Girl]

Many, many, men do not realize that this porn behavior is a deal-breaker for many women.

Look up divorce statistics for porn. It's amazing.

Lawyers in 2003 at a poll at a convention said that the internet played a significant part in the divorces--2/3's of them. That doesn't mean 2/3's of divorces were because of porn, but because of internet sexual boundary lines being crossed.

Your wife is acting out with these men because she has given up on the marriage.

Chatting with men or whatever she is doing is her reaction. She's not into porn, but she does like real people, hence why she is talking to men and not watching porn.

She felt neglected, cheated on.

She drew a sexual boundary line in your marriage that stated that porn was not ok. You repeatedly disregarded her sexual boundary.

Women will get serious over this issue, you are now facing the consequences of disregarding her feelings in this matter.

[dreamingoftigers]

If it weren't the porn it would be something else. When a woman is in her let's blame everything on the man mode nothing you do will ever be right.

 

The type of behaviour that the OP is describing turned my husband from saint to scum in less than 24 hours of me finding out.

 

What you have said here is not universal.

 

If the gender was reversed in this statement I am sure that you would take offense and write something negative about women back.

[Woggle]

The type of behaviour that the OP is describing turned my husband from saint to scum in less than 24 hours of me finding out.

 

What you have said here is not universal.

 

If the gender was reversed in this statement I am sure that you would take offense and write something negative about women back.

 

I have no issue with my wife's vibrator or her viewing porn.

[dreamingoftigers]

Many, many, men do not realize that this porn behavior is a deal-breaker for many women.

Look up divorce statistics for porn. It's amazing.

Lawyers in 2003 at a poll at a convention said that the internet played a significant part in the divorces--2/3's of them. That doesn't mean 2/3's of divorces were because of porn, but because of internet sexual boundary lines being crossed.

Your wife is acting out with these men because she has given up on the marriage.

Chatting with men or whatever she is doing is her reaction. She's not into porn, but she does like real people, hence why she is talking to men and not watching porn.

She felt neglected, cheated on.

She drew a sexual boundary line in your marriage that stated that porn was not ok. You repeatedly disregarded her sexual boundary.

Women will get serious over this issue, you are now facing the consequences of disregarding her feelings in this matter.

 

At this point it is highly unlikely that she views her online activity as cheating, she is most likely (yes guys I know that I am making an assumption that may be wrong) trying to move on.

 

The best and only thing you can really do is dedicate yourself to becoming a positive, healthy individual. Become someone she can trust and make herself vulnerable to. This will take time, do not rush it or expect it. Also let her know that you want your family, and are willing to do anything reasonable and healthy to put it back together.

 

I hope that you succeed. It is so heartbreaking to see relationships dissolve in this particularly painful way. Also keep her posted on your sexual sobriety. (Not too often and not if you are ever really close with her, she will not need a reminder of the issue, that is actually quite painful. My husband used to wait until just before bed to announce whether or not he had been triggered that day. Very painful)

 

Even mention that you are willing to take a polygraph to prove your sexual sobriety. As well perhaps mention that you are staying sexually sober because you didn't realize what you were missing with sexually connecting with her and how great and special it was.

 

Every woman that has had a relationship break up from porn and sex issues would kill 6 ninjas with a butter knife just to hear this.

[Pyro]

When a woman is in her let's blame everything on the man mode nothing you do will ever be right.

 

Doesn't that sound like someone you know?

 

Hint: its a guy.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

I don't really think I want to file a response. It would make it even more difficult to ever have a chance, if i still have any at all.

 

I guess you've never heard of the classic times gone by saying......

 

"If you let it go, and it comes back to you, then you will know it was meant to be"!

 

Let her go, who cares about trying to keep things nice and tight and divorce free. You shouldn't be concerned about keeping your wife inside the fence of marriage, just to keep your chances of getting her back good. If you think about this long and hard, if you really dig down deep, through the fat, through the meat and right down to the bone of the matter, than you might have come up with the notion, that if you did indeed got ahead and divorce your wife, while accepting a reasonable amount of blame, and are willing to accept a reasonable amount of responsibility and take some things on the chin, this could be the type of "Change" your wife is looking for! Sometimes one has to go through the fiery brimstone hell, to get to heaven! Maybe once both of you are on the "other side" of divorce, then, and only then your ex-wife will see you as a man, a man who has stepped up and stepped out to better himself as a man, and not a porn addicted child.

 

Think about it.......

 

I did recently discover that she'd been on dating sites and having some inappropriate communication with several different guys. Do I believe she had a PA? No, but I know there has been an EA. But I love her and I'm willing to move past that.

 

So what's this to you, why are you even stating what she's doing here? After all I'm sure not all of your porn collection is either on DVD or BluRay! I'm sure the internet had to be accessed to achieve some of the porn that you have watched. So you use and or used the internet to access on-line porn sites, and now your wife is accessing the internet to visit on-line dating sites. To me it sounds like both these problems cancel themselves out here! After all, isn't there a famous quote out there, I think it goes something like this......

 

"Two wrongs don't make a right"!

 

Personally, if your wife has already moved out of the marital home, if she's living on her own, if she is now supporting herself and being a responsible person, why is it wrong for her to look at internet dating sites? After all she is the one who left, she apparently has moved out, she's the one who has requested the divorce, and now by her looking at internet dating sites, looks to me as if she is just trying to "move on"!

 

I hope things do work out, I hope things do a 180 for you all, while your still married. But please, do yourself a favor, don't get your hopes up to much! It think it's time for you to be less concerned about what you could, and or are about ready to lose, and start focusing in on you! If your doing some help groups as to help you battle your addiction, keep them up, keep going. If your reading some self help books, about your addiction, keep reading, read a lot. If your talking with friends & family about your problem, keep talking, keep putting it out there, don't hide it, wear it on your sleeve. Also try to be there the best you can for your child, let your child be witness to some of the changes that are happening, or are about to happen to you! If anything else you take away from this, you will always have your child!

 

Good luck, and keep posting, we here on L.S. are listening!

[carhill]

The OP used the past tense 'had been', implying that his wife was 'moving on' prior to separating. He can clarify that.

 

OP, just so I'm clear, your wife *never* engaged in nor suggested MC, correct? Did you?

 

I have a feeling, if the OP hangs around, that a lot more information will come to light, on both sides. The more honest and forthcoming he is, the better advice he'll get.

 

Today is lawyer day. They take credit cards for a retainer. No worries

[MyOutdoors]

I don't really think I want to file a response. It would make it even more difficult to ever have a chance, if i still have any at all. And no, she was not the perfect wife. One of her biggest issues is accepting any personal responsibility. She would literally find a reason to blame me for something. While I know there are tons of things that I can work on, it's difficult for her to see any in herself. She even bought a relationship book and never opened it. But look, I know that much of what I'm going through has a lot to do with my issues, I just wish she would recognize hers. The bible says that recognizing your issues makes it easy to forgive someone else (this was a paraphrase). Just not sure if she will ever see her own, but I still love her nontheless. Yes, we have a 7 yr old daughter that we will have joint custody of.

 

I did recently discover that she'd been on dating sites and having some inappropriate communication with several different guys. Do I believe she had a PA? No, but I know there has been an EA. But I love her and I'm willing to move past that.

 

So true Mark, I feel like where in the same boat, we both see our own issues and are making strides to improve ourselves and make our marriages work. Our wives seem alike in the sense they refuse to see their issues and therefore can't address what they don't see. I'm starting to realize that I cannot impose my will on my wife or anyone and that God will do his thing...it will all be for the better in years to come. Keep the Faith!

[2sure]

There is a long time between asking for a divorce, filing for a divorce, and getting one. Many things can happen and minds can be changed.

 

If your porn hobby has bothered her for that long she probably does not feel attractive and desired, and that really affects a person in many ways. After 10 years with no change...she may very well want to move on.

[marksaysay]

She'd stated prior to filing that she wanted to see a change. This was also after I'd discovered her Internet and text activity. I hope she would still be willing to be an ear as I talk about my recovery process. I pla on using the 180 degree plan from marriage builders as I have a couple of opportunities to be around her each week. If it works, good. If it doesn't, good. I'll just have to move on. Anything can happen especially when God is involved.

[marksaysay]

The OP used the past tense 'had been', implying that his wife was 'moving on' prior to separating. He can clarify that.

 

Yes, prior to separating, I did discover the inappropriate activity including some explicit text messages. Someone has describe this as my wife being in the "fog". I don't think she's had any sexual contact, but what she has done is still against the marital vows.

 

OP, just so I'm clear, your wife *never* engaged in nor suggested MC, correct? Did you?

 

We went to counseling about a year ago, but she ended them saying I was uncooperative. I really wasn't, I just had so many things going on as did she, that we never did the suggested activity. She became furious when I stated I did not want to do the activity in front of the therapist and ended the sessions.

[goingstrong]

I

 

I did recently discover that she'd been on dating sites and having some inappropriate communication with several different guys. Do I believe she had a PA? No, but I know there has been an EA. But I love her and I'm willing to move past that.

 

The porn set the stage, this is the final act.

[carhill]

I'm going to bookmark this thread as an example of how a woman is absolved of her marital responsibility by *some* when her husband uses porn.

 

Shall I have used the same 'rationalization' regarding the stacks of romance novels my ex-wife had in the bedroom and made required reading every night? Wow, my affair's all better now, see?

 

No, it's not. That's called taking personal responsibility, something the OP says his wife has a hard time doing.

 

OK, bookmarked. Carry on...