She wants to "date".

[mrshuma]

Here are the original threads;

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t232176/

 

and

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t236092/

 

So to recap:

 

-Broke up 5 months ago

-We were together for almost 7 years and living together for most of that time

-Did the usual begging, pleading for the first few days then went NC for 3 weeks and then NC again for another 3 weeks. For the first couple of months we spoke a handful of times.

-Went on vacation between July 4 and September 4. She broke NC again around end of July and we we've been in contact pretty much ever since. While I was away we would keep in email contact and speak on the phone a couple of times a week. When the relationship came up she would tell me she didn't want to get back together but she wanted to see me when I came back and "date" to see where it leads to.

-Came back around Labor day and we ended up spending the weekend together a couple of weeks later. We are long distance so we can't always see each other.

-We had a great time together - but before I left we got into an argument because I wanted to talk about what was going to happen, etc and she didn't want to have that conversation.

-Cooled off for a couple of days then we had a long convo on the phone - She basically re-iterated that she is taking this serious and that she wants to date and see what happens. She isn't going to date anyone else and has only been on a couple of dates in the last 5 months which were nothing.

 

I feel as though this is a transitional period and I really need some advice on how to proceed. From everything I read, most reconciliations happen this way and its best to start a new relationship from scratch and date each other, etc. I am having problems because I can't figure out her intentions. She is always initiating phone and email contact which is a good sign but I am observing her actions and I am not sure how to proceed. She doesn't put in any effort on planning to meet up (she leaves it into my hands) and I feel as though she is wanting me to woo her, court her, etc. That is fine to a point but I am not getting much back from her in that regard. Perhaps its not only that, it could be that I want her to be my girlfriend right now and I don't want to go through all of these steps in order for us to really get back together? I do want to add that we are long distance and can probably only see each maybe one week per month for now anyway.

 

I haven't talked to her on the phone for the last couple weeks as I have been blowing her off and being very short on my email replies. The situation has been causing me stress and being unsure on how to proceed with this. I have tried to pull myself away a bit so I can clear my head.

 

This is the email conversation we had the other day

 

Her "are you ever going to speak with me"

Me "what would you like to talk about?"

Her "you - me...I dunno -------what is wrong with u? why are you acting this way"

Me "nothing is wrong"

Her: "how do you expect to communicate when you won't even talk with me"? What is going on with you?

Me What would you like to talk about? Nothing is going

Her "Whatever"

 

Then after a couple of days she sends me this:

 

"I'm So confused about what you want, and what you're trying to accomplish by acting this way?!,??,!? I do miss u-I thought we were gonna get together?!??!"

 

I shouldn't be acting this way either. Obviously, I do want to get back with her I guess I want her to prove that she wants it as much as I do. She is just always "confused" and never really opens up to me which is so frustrating and after 5 months I feel as though I should be getting more from her. I know its a positive that she wants to date but I am struggling to figure out her intentions.

 

I would love to get a good range of opinions on how I should proceed here. I know dating an ex is controversial, I've found some say the dumpee should wait until the dumper totally comes back for a committed relationship and others say you should treat it as a brand new relationship.

 

We plan on speaking on the phone tonight so if I could get some advice I would really appreciate it. Thanks everyone!

[mrshuma]

any opinions?

[whatadeer26]

You need to do what makes you happy.

 

Do you think you can trust her?

Do you think either of you have changed for the better?

Are the problems that caused the break still around?

[mrshuma]

I want to get back with her but I also want her actions to match her words. I want her to put in more effort even with this "dating" stage. I don't know if I need to man up and just "date" her and see where it goes or if I should tell her I want more of a committed relationship. It's 50/50 across the board, half say you need to start a brand new relationship from scratch, others say she should give you more of a commitment.

 

The problems that caused the breakup are no longer an issue (in my eyes) but she isn't going to see any changes until we are living together or in a much more serious relationship.

Edited October 22, 2010 by mrshuma

[strength-abounds]

A good relationship is like a house. Without a strong foundation, the house will eventually crumble. When a relationship crumbles, chances are it started within the foundation of that relationship.

 

Would you want to build a brand new house without a strong foundation to support that house?

 

If the two of you are serious about rebuilding the relationship, it needs a strong foundation again. IMO the only to create this foundation is to start from scratch. Start dating her, court her, make her fall IN love with you all over again. If there is any feelings, they will eventually surface.

 

Good luck.

[mrshuma]

Strength-abounds: How do I get her to "prove" that she really is serious? How do I figure out her genuine intentions? I would have no problem starting from scratch if I felt without a doubt that she was 100% back committed to this. I feel she should be showing me more with her actions then words. I also don't want to come out and tell her want she needs to do to "prove" herself because how will I know if its real then?

Edited October 22, 2010 by mrshuma

[freeshrink]

I enjoyed the house analogy from the previous poster; however, I have a different opinion.

 

A breakup is like a hurricane, the house of wood is wiped out, and all you have left is the foundation. When someone "dates" an Ex it can never be an entirely "new" relationship. You know your Ex's likes and dislikes and have a general concept of their personality. This does not change in a matter of months. You have seen each other naked. You have witnessed all of their atrocious habits and idiosynchrasies in their grandest form. These probably have not changed much either.

 

Okay, something might have changed in the breakup period- a new job, a new hobby, a new wardrobe, a drop in body weight, etc. If you are lucky, then perhaps a few behaviors might have changed. I'll address this again at the end.

 

Therefore, the foundation is pretty much the same. Dating an Ex casually is fruitless, especially if your Ex (typically the dumper) is actively flirting and dating other people. The jealousy meter rises big time for the dumpee!

 

You must go exclusive and move forward in the relationship. Never go backwards (friend, FWB, FB, etc.) in a relationship. In my opinion, the commitment should be stronger upon reconciliation. If you are going to rebuild the house start today and use a steel frame.

 

I didn't suggest that you should turn off the romance, but meeting a couple times a month will not get it done.

 

Now back to behavior modification. In my opinion, this only happens if the "dumper" has learned his/her lesson and has suffered through multiple rebound relationships and realizes that the dumpee was a great catch. Unfortunately, this may take years.

 

Good luck!

[mrshuma]

She says she is serious and wants to date exclusively. The distance however, even under the best circumstances, will only allow us to see each other every other weekend. I just want her actions to match her words, I don't know if I am being unreasonable and I should deal with her nonchalance or is my "gut" right on this one?

[Trovador]

IMO, either you want to get back together or not...

 

If you want her back, this invalidates other insights into the relationship...

 

Meaning, why do you care if she feels the same? What are you afraid of?

 

If you want her back, you are giving her all the power and accepting that she might do wrong again, because those are the clausules of a rehashed relationship...

 

Worse, we know the same **** will happen again and we pretend this time it will be better...

 

So, go back to her but keep your expectations at the lowest level...

[mrshuma]

Trovador: I do want back together, I love this girl and we were together for almost 7 years. I planned on proposing this year and I thought we would grow old together.

 

The last five months have been the toughest time of my life and one thing I have learned during this period is I need to put myself ahead of anyone or anything.

 

Reconciliations are difficult enough, long distance on top of that makes it even tougher. If she isn't in this 100% then I am not sure I am willing to take that chance after everything that has transpired. I am just struggling with how I should proceed.

[Banker Chick]

It's so tough because in this situation you are both usure about the other's intentions so you each try to play it cool. I was in a similar situation. During a heated argument two months ago my ex said he needed some "time and space". Because he still wanted to be friends but wouldn't consider us in a relationship I said no way. That started a month and 1/2 of NC, LC, Full Contact, etc. I would honestly say it was progressing (we were at the point on saying I love you, spending a couple weekends together, etc.). For me though, I felt we should be spending more time together but I was careful to not make too many demands since he was technically the dumper (although he contends it was me since he never said he wanted to "break up"...whatever) and because one of the major reasons we broke up was bc he was so swamped with school and work.

 

Well, he just didn't seem to have as much interest in getting together. Both times we got together I suggested it although he enthusiastically agreed. He said several times that he couldn't wait to see me and when I suggested maybe Thanksgiving he said that was way too long. However, a few weekends went by and he didn't suggest anything. The final straw came a couple weekends ago when he didn't say anything about getting together (granted I didn't mention it either) and then when I tried to get ahold of him he finally responded that he'd been up at the sports bar with a buddy watching football. The way I looked at it, he could have spent that time with me or at least talking to me on the phone. I know, I know, I didn't mention getting together either which is sorta my point to you. I think from what you've posted she's really making the effort to hang out. Just be careful you don't play too many games.

 

After my example a couple weekends ago I realized this just wasn't a relationship I wanted to work at any longer. I have since gone NC and he probably doesn't even really understand why but it doesn't matter to me anymore. I was tired of analyzing and overanalyzing and worrying about everything. It just wasn't worth it.

Edited October 23, 2010 by Banker Chick

[mrshuma]

It's so tough because in this situation you are both usure about the other's intentions so you each try to play it cool. I was in a similar situation. During a heated argument two months ago my ex said he needed some "time and space". Because he still wanted to be friends but wouldn't consider us in a relationship I said no way. That started a month and 1/2 of NC, LC, Full Contact, etc. I would honestly say it was progressing (we were at the point on saying I love you, spending a couple weekends together, etc.). For me though, I felt we should be spending more time together but I was careful to not make too many demands since he was technically the dumper (although he contends it was me since he never said he wanted to "break up"...whatever) and because one of the major reasons we broke up was bc he was so swamped with school and work.

 

Well, he just didn't seem to have as much interest in getting together. Both times we got together I suggested it although he enthusiastically agreed. He said several times that he couldn't wait to see me and when I suggested maybe Thanksgiving he said that was way too long. However, a few weekends went by and he didn't suggest anything. The final straw came a couple weekends ago when he didn't say anything about getting together (granted I didn't mention it either) and then when I tried to get ahold of him he finally responded that he'd been up at the sports bar with a buddy watching football. The way I looked at it, he could have spent that time with me or at least talking to me on the phone. I know, I know, I didn't mention getting together either which is sorta my point to you. I think from what you've posted she's really making the effort to hang out. Just be careful you don't play too many games.

 

After my example a couple weekends ago I realized this just wasn't a relationship I wanted to work at any longer. I have since gone NC and he probably doesn't even really understand why but it doesn't matter to me anymore. I was tired of analyzing and overanalyzing and worrying about everything. It just wasn't worth it.

 

Good for you to go with NC. It is so much easier to deal with the situation once in NC. I've been NC a couple of times and it allowed me to clear my head and think straight. These last 3 weeks though its different because of her initiating all this contact and since we already met up once. I don't want to tell her what I expect from her either because then I won't know her true intentions. I know it shouldn't be this hard and I am over-analyzing everything at times its pretty clear that I either need to date her for awhile and if it remains status quo then just end it, or end it now and tell her I need more of a commitment or I am moving on. I just don't know what to do lol, I change my opinion everyday and I can usually make the correct decision and stick to it just not in this situation.

[mrshuma]

anyone else?