souvlaki Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Got what I wanted. Everything's good. care to fill us in?
Author tigressA Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 It was simple...he messaged me on Skype, saying he got my emails. We are on the exact same page as far as how we feel about each other and what our commitment level is--we are committed solely to each other and to making a serious partnership/marriage viable down the road. There is absolutely no question of that. He also apologized for the "friend" comment. What we disagree on is the semantics of "bf/gf". I explained to him my view--that the commitment we have now is equal to being bf/gf. He explained to me that if he mentioned the word "girlfriend" to his family/friends, they would start planning the wedding--it's that serious for him (just like you said, Jerbear). And we both agree that we are not ready for that yet. The compromise: He willingly acknowledged himself as my boyfriend and me as his girlfriend according to my viewpoint, and asked me to remember the titles do carry much more meaning for him.
Star Gazer Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Sounds good, A. Good on you for using your big girl words and actually communicating with him in a healthy way.
Author tigressA Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 He did express some frustration at my intense desire to know, through explicit verbal affirmation, where everything stands. He said it made him feel like I had lost trust in him just because of one thing that he said (and yeah, I had). "We've had the same commitment this whole time. In my mind everything has been fine." He's so laid-back, and I need explanations of absolutely everything. I analyze things until I'm blue in the face; he just coasts through life, not thinking of much at all.
Star Gazer Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 He did express some frustration at my intense desire to know, through explicit verbal affirmation, where everything stands. He said it made him feel like I had lost trust in him just because of one thing that he said (and yeah, I had). "We've had the same commitment this whole time. In my mind everything has been fine." He's so laid-back, and I need explanations of absolutely everything. I analyze things until I'm blue in the face; he just coasts through life, not thinking of much at all. You're a person who needs verbal affirmation; he doesn't. Do you imagine yourself ever being in a place within a relationship (not necessarily this one, but any relationship), where you wouldn't need constant reassurance?
Idalis Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 He did express some frustration at my intense desire to know, through explicit verbal affirmation, where everything stands. He said it made him feel like I had lost trust in him just because of one thing that he said (and yeah, I had). "We've had the same commitment this whole time. In my mind everything has been fine." He's so laid-back, and I need explanations of absolutely everything. I analyze things until I'm blue in the face; he just coasts through life, not thinking of much at all. I do the same thing. I think its just engrained in me. And although I've improved 1 million percent in my current relationship there are still times when I over-analyze things my bf says. But they are few and far between now. I just read this whole thread!!! It took some weird turns, but I'm glad you had an open conversation about it
Author tigressA Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 You're a person who needs verbal affirmation; he doesn't. Do you imagine yourself ever being in a place within a relationship (not necessarily this one, but any relationship), where you wouldn't need constant reassurance? I do imagine myself being in that place, yes. I know I can get there. This intense desire for verbal affirmation, for knowing "for sure" where everything stands all the time, does stem from insecurities that I would be well rid of. I thought I was doing well with that, "letting go, not sweating the small stuff, realizing that I'm not going to 'know' everything, not everything's going to go my way", but this whole episode was like going two steps back. He's so laid-back and not conscious of things that he tends to think I just rock the boat more often than not, while I think my way of going about things is totally normal and he's kind of whacked (Me: "What are you thinking about?" C:"Nothing." Me: "Really?! That's impossible!" C:"No it isn't.") :laugh:
souvlaki Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 It was simple...he messaged me on Skype, saying he got my emails. We are on the exact same page as far as how we feel about each other and what our commitment level is--we are committed solely to each other and to making a serious partnership/marriage viable down the road. There is absolutely no question of that. He also apologized for the "friend" comment. What we disagree on is the semantics of "bf/gf". I explained to him my view--that the commitment we have now is equal to being bf/gf. He explained to me that if he mentioned the word "girlfriend" to his family/friends, they would start planning the wedding--it's that serious for him (just like you said, Jerbear). And we both agree that we are not ready for that yet. The compromise: He willingly acknowledged himself as my boyfriend and me as his girlfriend according to my viewpoint, and asked me to remember the titles do carry much more meaning for him. Awesome! I KNEW people were overreacting and it entirely had to do with his culture. I have a really good feeling about this guy, Tigress. Really?? You guys are already discussion marriage? I mean that's good, but it's so soon!
Author tigressA Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 Awesome! I KNEW people were overreacting and it entirely had to do with his culture. I have a really good feeling about this guy, Tigress. Really?? You guys are already discussion marriage? I mean that's good, but it's so soon! Well, not REALLY discussing marriage--just like, we both know what we're looking for in each other and in general--a potential future spouse. And we're committed to exploring things solely between us, to see if that potential is there/worth pursuing.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Awesome! I KNEW people were overreacting and it entirely had to do with his culture. I have a really good feeling about this guy, Tigress. Really?? You guys are already discussion marriage? I mean that's good, but it's so soon! :lmao: Let's save the marriage issue for another thread. T, I'm happy for you. The last two pages really did took a wierd turn but I'm glad things worked out the way you wanted.
souvlaki Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Well, not REALLY discussing marriage--just like, we both know what we're looking for in each other and in general--a potential future spouse. And we're committed to exploring things solely between us, to see if that potential is there/worth pursuing. That's great! I like this guy. Now, don't screw this up, Missy.
Author tigressA Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 Thanks, Paper. I really did let it get out of hand. I let the "friend" thing, which was an honest mistake, undermine my trust in our commitment, and I let what some people here on LS said get to me and further undermine it. Then I had other people agreeing with me, blah blah blah...I drove myself nuts. Really starting to learn that there's no point in conjecture; you have to just communicate directly, honestly, openly. Until you get the chance to communicate, just sit still and shut the f*ck up. lol
Star Gazer Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Thanks, Paper. I really did let it get out of hand. I let the "friend" thing, which was an honest mistake, undermine my trust in our commitment, and I let what some people here on LS said get to me and further undermine it. Then I had other people agreeing with me, blah blah blah...I drove myself nuts. Really starting to learn that there's no point in conjecture; you have to just communicate directly, honestly, openly. FWIW, I totally would have felt the same way you did. Sometimes it takes a nudge to take the nervewracking step of actually opening a conversation. Don't give yourself too hard of a time about it. But yes...focus on direct, open, honest, non-temper-tantrum-like communication. It's gone a long way each time you've gone that route, right?
Author tigressA Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 (edited) FWIW, I totally would have felt the same way you did. Sometimes it takes a nudge to take the nervewracking step of actually opening a conversation. Don't give yourself too hard of a time about it. But yes...focus on direct, open, honest, non-temper-tantrum-like communication. It's gone a long way each time you've gone that route, right? Oh yeah, I totally understand why I felt the way I did. I do think I let it spiral out to a most undesirable point, though. Pretty much every single time I've posted here about my relationship with C, things have been blown out of proportion and once we talk to each other it turns out there was little/nothing to worry about in the first place. I would always ask myself, "Should I really post here? It's probably going to turn out to be perfectly fine..." and I was right, but only after driving myself batty by self-conjecture and the conjecture of others. I really should trust my gut more. Edited October 23, 2010 by tigressA
Star Gazer Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Oh yeah, I totally understand why I felt the way I did. I do think I let it spiral out to a most undesirable point, though. Pretty much every single time I've posted here about my relationship with C, things have been blown out of proportion and once we talk to each other it turns out there was little/nothing to worry about in the first place. I would always ask myself, "Should I really post here? It's probably going to turn out to be perfectly fine..." and I was right, but only after driving myself batty by self-conjecture and the conjecture of others. Perhaps you should kinda...test yourself. See if you can resist seeking advice here next time a blip occurs? I do think you tend to do a combination of venting while at the same time seeking drama within your relationship sometimes. It does seem sometimes like you're looking for reasons for it to not work out, to prove something bad to yourself...like that you're undeserving or something. Can you relate to that at all?
Author tigressA Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 (edited) Perhaps you should kinda...test yourself. See if you can resist seeking advice here next time a blip occurs? I do think you tend to do a combination of venting while at the same time seeking drama within your relationship sometimes. It does seem sometimes like you're looking for reasons for it to not work out, to prove something bad to yourself...like that you're undeserving or something. Can you relate to that at all? Oh, I totally do! I realized awhile ago that is what I have been doing the whole time. Part of it is that I feel like perhaps I'm undeserving; most of it has been like "Let's see if he'll still stick around if I push THIS button..." Testing him--I've been using that as a measure of how much he cares. That's why I had to disagree with Kamille's earlier post, that C provokes drama. I'm the one who provokes it, stirs it up, whatever. I don't disagree at all with how he sees me sometimes--as a boat-rocker. Edited October 23, 2010 by tigressA
Star Gazer Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Oh, I totally do! I realized awhile ago that is what I have been doing the whole time. Part of it is that I feel like perhaps I'm undeserving; most of it has been like "Let's see if he'll still stick around if I push THIS button..." Testing him--I've been using that as a measure of how much he cares. That's why I had to disagree with Kamille's earlier post, that C provokes drama. I'm the one who provokes it, stirs it up, whatever. I don't disagree at all with how he sees me sometimes--as a boat-rocker. I was there too, in my early 20's. You'll grow out of it, eventually...after you instinctively learn what result you'll get from certain negative behavior. I just hope you won't destroy a lot of relationships in the process, like I did... Sometimes I wish I had a home movie of my entire dating history to show gals what not to do. A sort of entire 10-season series of "How to Lose a Guy [by Insert Destructive Pattern Here]."
LisaLee Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 He's so laid-back, and I need explanations of absolutely everything. I analyze things until I'm blue in the face; he just coasts through life, not thinking of much at all. Boy, can I relate to this. That is just like my boyfriend. Fortunately my SO has the patience of a saint. I over analyze things so much I annoy myself, so I have no freaking clue how he manages to put up with me. Me: So when you say blahedy blah, do you mean blahblah, or do you mean blahblahblah? Him: Uhhh.... huh? I'm trying to stop, and I'm actually doing better than how I usually am, but I have my days. I think Star put it best: some people need verbal affirmation. And of course in my case I take the affirmation and dissect it to pieces.
Green Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 I was there too, in my early 20's. You'll grow out of it, eventually...after you instinctively learn what result you'll get from certain negative behavior. I just hope you won't destroy a lot of relationships in the process, like I did... Sometimes I wish I had a home movie of my entire dating history to show gals what not to do. A sort of entire 10-season series of "How to Lose a Guy [by Insert Destructive Pattern Here]." hmmm I wonder what will happen in DC could you make a home movie of that please
Surrealist Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 This thread still served a good purpose, if that prompted the OP to investigate her concerns and get things clarified, then great! We can look at the glass half-full.
Star Gazer Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 hmmm I wonder what will happen in DC could you make a home movie of that please That's really rude.
Author tigressA Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 Ahh, I love you SG and LL...you ladies just really cracked me up. :laugh: I do see how this pattern of mine is destructive, self-sabotaging. I will try what you suggested, SG--not posting here the next time a blip comes up, and see how I handle it dealing with just my own thoughts/opinions/feelings, and of course C's as well when we communicate.
Star Gazer Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Ahh, I love you SG and LL...you ladies just really cracked me up. :laugh: I do see how this pattern of mine is destructive, self-sabotaging. I will try what you suggested, SG--not posting here the next time a blip comes up, and see how I handle it dealing with just my own thoughts/opinions/feelings, and of course C's as well when we communicate. I do NOT mean to discourage you from posting here, but LS is just training wheels. Eventually you gotta learn how to ride on your own. Ya know?
Author tigressA Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 Precisely. I won't stop posting here altogether; I like participating in other threads, and I have a nice rapport with quite a few people. But I think it is time for me to hang up the training wheels when it comes to my own stuff, barring something devastatingly wonderful, or devastatingly devastating.
LisaLee Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 I do see how this pattern of mine is destructive, self-sabotaging... Yes, but in fairness you're very reasonable about it. It's like a part of you knows you're just getting ahead of yourself, but for that moment in time you can't help yourself. And you do recognize what you have a tendency to do, and are making an honest effort to move beyond it. I think you're neato-bandito for being so open minded about your behaviors. Many are not that way at all.
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