Titles.

[tigressA]

I really think I will just say, "You say you're not my boyfriend. You say we're 'very very good friends'. Since we're just 'very very good friends', you can say goodbye to having sex with me. You can say goodbye to us making plans for weekend visits. If we ever go out, I'll pay my own way and pay you for gas (he has NEVER let me do this). You can say goodbye to hugs and kisses, say hello to friendly handshakes. You can say goodbye to hearing any romantic intimacies like 'I miss you', 'I'm thinking of you'. Say hello to just being a 'very very good friend', because that's the way you said you want it. All the stuff you've been getting is for boyfriends only."

[threebyfate]

Whoah Tigress, settle down. How about something like this?

 

After our discussion yesterday, I've thought about it some more and it continues to bother me. I need to discuss our relationship status a little more.

[LittleTiger]

I really think I will just say, "You say you're not my boyfriend. You say we're 'very very good friends'. Since we're just 'very very good friends', you can say goodbye to having sex with me. You can say goodbye to us making plans for weekend visits. If we ever go out, I'll pay my own way and pay you for gas (he has NEVER let me do this). You can say goodbye to hugs and kisses, say hello to friendly handshakes. You can say goodbye to hearing any romantic intimacies like 'I miss you', 'I'm thinking of you'. Say hello to just being a 'very very good friend', because that's the way you said you want it. All the stuff you've been getting is for boyfriends only."

 

tigress, be careful here. Are you normally this aggressive or have people just been winding you up.

 

carhill has the best suggestion. It's far less confrontational and more likely to give you the answers you need.

[tigressA]

Whoah Tigress, settle down. How about something like this?

 

After our discussion yesterday, I've thought about it some more and it continues to bother me. I need to discuss our relationship status a little more.

 

Yeah, I know I should go about it like this. And I will.

 

LT, I do tend to become that aggressive, yes. It's something I've been working on. It's gotten to the point where I only think about it and end up going the more effective, non-confrontational route.

 

The present I got for him came in the mail just now...these 2 photo collages, one of some pictures he's taken, the other with pictures of him and his friends (including me). They look beautiful. I think he'll really like them...

[threebyfate]

Rather than hit him with a 2x4 out of the blue, just get some clarity. If clarity isn't to your liking, you can always walk away from your arrangement.

 

If clarity is fine, the two of you will have talked your way through this issue in a civil way and have learned something about miscommunication and not folding to fear of loss.

 

In essence, each person has their own ultimate power in any kind of relationship. Stay or go.

[tigressA]

I already had kind of messed up and sent him an email that was somewhat abrasive. I followed it up with something much less so, explaining that I was just frustrated. So I think if he reads those before we talk next time he's going to feel like he was hit by a 2x4. Oh well. It can be fixed.

[Awesome Username]

Oh well, I think it was justified. You can only hide your anger so much. Keep us updated!

[threebyfate]

Good luck!

 

Just remember to dial down the drama while discussing this with him. I know you're hurt since you feel you've been betrayed in some way, that he might have misled you. And maybe he has but clarity will define it so you can make an educated decision about how to proceed or not.

 

Once again, you have the ultimate power to walk away so he doesn't hold all the cards. I would recommend that during your discussion, you take back some of your power even if you're going to stay. He can't always have his way and has to learn to respect your feelings too, prior to making relationship impacting decisions.

[luvnpain]

I don't think you need to come out of left field with him, but i don't exactly agree that you need to do anymore talking about you. You need to talk about him, and what his views are on gf/bf, and how his culture plays into it. I mean, not even related to you, just learning about his culture to better understand him. I would have been googling the heck out of it as soon as i met someone from a culture that i am not familiar with.

 

OP lives in her head. I don't get why you analyze your feelings so much. When he said you were not his gf, it made you feel something (hurt) but you didn't say anything (communicate). You thought about it, and mulled it over, and i don't get that. You shouldn't wonder if it's ok to feel a certain way. You feel it, so it's valid and needs to be addressed as both of your feelings should be acknowledged. You should consider your needs too, not constantly try to morph into what he needs.

 

I also don't get (from your past threads) what he has done for you to be so head over heels. Not stuff he says, but stuff he DOES. Maybe you just don't post about it, but actions and words should match. When they don't, believe the actions. Obviously i see the other posters points, and him correcting you on the bf title is an action that doesn't support that he wants you as a gf.

[tigressA]

Once again, you have the ultimate power to walk away so he doesn't hold all the cards. I would recommend that during your discussion, you take back some of your power even if you're going to stay. He can't always have his way and has to learn to respect your feelings too, prior to making relationship impacting decisions.

 

How do I do that??

[threebyfate]

How do I do that??

Tough to say exactly without going into every permutation of possibilities during the discussion. But without accusing or threatening, let him know that you too are in this relationship on a voluntary basis which means that you too have a say in progression and status. If he's as smart as you believe, he'll pick up the blatant cues. If he refuses to do anything about it or is too dumb to pick up on the cues, this might also be a good reason to eject.

[tigressA]

Okay, I understand. Thanks, TBF.

[jerbear]

Guys are not mind readers. Give us direct questions and if there are ambiguities, ask.

 

Ask about BF/GF in his culture?

 

Ask about exclusivity in his culture?

 

Ask and listen. If something bothers you then bring it up and talk.

 

From my perspective, you two are exclusive FWB with a hint of BF/GF w/o the titles. Titles are a way to make it official versus "acting BF/GF".

 

I like your approach about no sex with very very good friends.

[Awesome Username]

By the way, I keep seeing people referencing his culture. Where is this guy from?

[tigressA]

Jerbear, right now I just...don't feel particularly inclined to allow him to excuse what he said with his cultural upbringing. He's been living here for several years; I wonder why he hasn't adapted yet? Maybe because it's convenient for him not to? He should be aware of the way things work over here. You can't be living here, dating American girls, and applying your own cultural logistics to the whole thing.

 

We've been very much like a couple the whole time; that's why I assumed we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

AU, he's Indian. He was born/raised in Kolkata (Calcutta). He's been here in the states for the last 3 years and odd months. He's 27.

[Awesome Username]

OH GOD TIGRESS MY GUY WAS AN INDIAN FROM CALCUTTA TOO and he gave me the exact same jerk around. Jesus Christ!

[souvlaki]

Hey Tigress,

 

I haven't read the whole thread, but I don't have quite the extreme reaction that some people do to what he said. I really believe his culture may play a role in this. I just think it's too soon to make a call. He may just be cautious. And I don't get the sense he views your relationship as an exclusive fwb. But it can't hurt to ask. I would give him the benefit of the doubt now until you have a calm, frank discussion with him in person. Don't let LS get you worked up into a frenzy. Good luck.

[Awesome Username]

Hey Tigress,

 

I haven't read the whole thread, but I don't have quite the extreme reaction that some people do to what he said. I really believe his culture may play a role in this. I just think it's too soon to make a call. He may just be cautious. And I don't get the sense he views your relationship as an exclusive fwb. But it can't hurt to ask. I would give him the benefit of the doubt now until you have a calm, frank discussion with him in person. Don't let LS get you worked up into a frenzy. Good luck.

 

The problem is that though the culture may resist the boyfriend/girlfriend title, it also resists sleeping with your friends and casual relationships. He has already broken his culture's rules by doing this.

 

Tigress, please don't tell me he speaks Bengali and he's a Brahmin.

[how2forgive&2forget]

Dating an Indian boy for a while now. He only refers to me as a "friend." Tells me he loves me, takes good care of me, very affectionate, yet I am not good enough to be introduced as a gf. Parents know nothing about me, yet he wants to show me off to his friends every chance he gets. I think to him I am that chick you can brag to your friends about but will never marry.

 

What advice would you give me TigressA? Because it seems you are going the same road as me. My "bf" tells me to relax everytime I discuss our labels for each other.

 

And yeah, we are supposed to be exclusive.

 

Guys who are usually in love will push for exclusivity and titles as soon as possible. Those who are "unsure"....heh, will string us along until somebody who knocks them off their feet comes along.

[jerbear]

My perspective, the BF/GF is akin to being married; and VERY serious in Indian culture. This is from my Indian friends.

 

So for the benefit of the doubt, you are BF/GF just not official by title.

 

Again from my perspective you are glorified exclusive FWB with unofficial BF/GF titles. NOT BF/GF by title officially, due to culture.

 

T, you can't expect him to assimiliate 100% it is part of his cultural identity.

[xpaperxcutx]

Jerbear, right now I just...don't feel particularly inclined to allow him to excuse what he said with his cultural upbringing. He's been living here for several years; I wonder why he hasn't adapted yet? Maybe because it's convenient for him not to? He should be aware of the way things work over here. You can't be living here, dating American girls, and applying your own cultural logistics to the whole thing.

 

We've been very much like a couple the whole time; that's why I assumed we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

AU, he's Indian. He was born/raised in Kolkata (Calcutta). He's been here in the states for the last 3 years and odd months. He's 27.

 

T, you raised a good point. Even if a person is inclined to follow his/her culture, I absolutely can't see it reflected in someone openingly denying a relationship unless they felt they had something to hide.

 

I have a best friend who's Indian/Hindu. Her parents are extremely strict about who she dates and I' d been told they frown down on interracial relationships. Now I don't know if this is because she's a girl and her parents are being overly protective, but it's my understanding that in the possible future she will marry an Indian man. Right now, she does have an Indian bf whom her parents approve of. However, previously, before she met her current boyfriend, she had a short term relationship with an Italian guy. She used to date the guy secretly behind her parents' backs and often confided in me to help her meet him without her parents knowing.

 

Despite all the secrets, she has admitted that he was her bf and she was his gf. And guess what? They never had sex.

 

What does this say about T? I don't know. But given that he comes from a culture which has strict marital rules, I really wonder if his religion has anything to do with it. Of course we are also aware of men who date outside of their race/culture for fun but still marry within.

[threebyfate]

There are two people involved in this relationship. Culture or not, since when has Tigress's needs ceased to matter as a person?

[xpaperxcutx]

Dating an Indian boy for a while now. He only refers to me as a "friend." Tells me he loves me, takes good care of me, very affectionate, yet I am not good enough to be introduced as a gf. Parents know nothing about me, yet he wants to show me off to his friends every chance he gets. I think to him I am that chick you can brag to your friends about but will never marry.

 

What advice would you give me TigressA? Because it seems you are going the same road as me. My "bf" tells me to relax everytime I discuss our labels for each other.

 

And yeah, we are supposed to be exclusive.

 

Guys who are usually in love will push for exclusivity and titles as soon as possible. Those who are "unsure"....heh, will string us along until somebody who knocks them off their feet comes along.

 

+1

 

If it's true we can't make people fall in love with us, it's also true that no man needs any convincing to know they're in love.

 

I remember reading on another thread where Frutose posted that men are possessive. If that is the case, a man in a relationship who wants a woman to himself would not hesitate to say they're this or that. In fact, I'm certain if a guy really wants a relationship he make it know clearly that he is in one.

[how2forgive&2forget]

These cultural differences may apply to their parents' generation. But believe me there's a lot of sleeping around that happens in the Indian community. There's a billion plus of them for a reason....they are

getting their freak on. Many Indian friends of mine (guys) are man sl*ts...no different from the Jersey Shore cast.

 

Be careful...when a guy is passionately in love he doesn't hesitate.

[Awesome Username]

You know, it would be fine by me of these racist Indian men and their families wanted to date and marry within their race and caste exclusively, but you have people like Tigress and these other women (myself included) that get hurt by it. We get hurt because these people are lying to us and not giving the whole story. Instead of, "Mom and dad want me to marry a woman of my caste before I'm 30, so we can only date casually" we get, "I'm exclusive don't worry...you are not my girlfriend but I am not sleeping with anyone else." They don't care about dangling us on the line because they want us around, but they know that it's never going to be anything serious. Do they give a heads up about the actual situation at hand? Never. It's all self-serving.

 

It's confusing and deceitful, and for those who think I'm overreacting to this situation, I'm not.