Titles.

[tigressA]

Just to highlight TBF's point, I think all this confusion stems from the fact you never really asked him.

 

You're right. I never asked him at all. I just assumed. We'll be talking, then.

[FructoseGrande]

Just to highlight TBF's point, I think all this confusion stems from the fact you never really asked him.

 

OK so OP posted about her relationship status in a prior thread and it was never resolved.

 

Well if the issue was whether or not she was an "exclusive FWB" it seems like she got her answer, at least as to the "FWB" part.

[Jannah]

BF is apparently not my BF.

 

C and I were talking, and I told him about my plans to go on the Pill. He was concerned and I said, "That's really sweet and I appreciate it, but I've got it under control. No worries." He said, "I'm your very very close friend so concern will always be there." I said, "Very very close friend, eh? I thought you were my 'boyfriend'? :p" He said, "Let the time come, you will get it...

 

Tigress, aside from the "title" aspect, do you think it is at all possible that when you mentioned to "C" your plans with regard to going on the Pill, that he may have been hesitant because he is not 100% sure he wants to relinquish his hand in the birth control aspect?

 

Meaning, he is not fully comfortable yet with you being the sole decision maker in regards to the method of birth control for the two of you.

 

How did you approach the BC convo, exactly? Because from how you wrote it above, he could have been a little rattled by it...

[Tayla]

Sorry if this comes out of left field, had to read thru this and weed out some of the rhetoric to get to this point.

 

My perception was and still is...He is a gent who enjoys the courting stage. Nothing wrong with that stage. Its rather charming and rarely seen in this modern dash to the alter for some couples. So , Tigress, I do hope for just a few moments you could entertain that concept and maybe give food for thought to this. I do get how from your stance it would seem a wee bit hurtful to have him in a sense deny the relationship status'. My grand daddy used to say just cuz a cat doesnt purr doesnt mean its not a cat , so deny though he will, you are both behaving with all the dynamics of a bf/gf relations....

I really am excited for you to be able to have a guy who does want to breathe in the relationship and absorb things before hastily proclaiming things before its time....you are a fine wine that he savors ( meant in a good way).

[FructoseGrande]

You're right. I never asked him at all. I just assumed. We'll be talking, then.

 

You already did. Isn't that the conversation that you started this thread about?

 

You asked him if you were his "girlfriend" and he said no, just his "friend." He didn't have to add the "with benefits" part because obviously you're having sex with him.

 

What more is there to ask him? You've stated in response to one of my posts that you fully believe he is exclusive, in fact you were critical of me questioning this; now you're saying you never asked him about it?

[FructoseGrande]

Sorry if this comes out of left field, had to read thru this and weed out some of the rhetoric to get to this point.

 

My perception was and still is...He is a gent who enjoys the courting stage. Nothing wrong with that stage. Its rather charming and rarely seen in this modern dash to the alter for some couples. So , Tigress, I do hope for just a few moments you could entertain that concept and maybe give food for thought to this. I do get how from your stance it would seem a wee bit hurtful to have him in a sense deny the relationship status'. My grand daddy used to say just cuz a cat doesnt purr doesnt mean its not a cat , so deny though he will, you are both behaving with all the dynamics of a bf/gf relations....

I really am excited for you to be able to have a guy who does want to breathe in the relationship and absorb things before hastily proclaiming things before its time....you are a fine wine that he savors ( meant in a good way).

 

 

Yes but now OP is finally stating that she never really clarified if the relationship was 1) FWB and/or 2) exclusive.

 

This has all just been assumptions on her part.

[Jannah]

Yes but now OP is finally stating that she never really clarified if the relationship was 1) FWB and/or 2) exclusive.

 

This has all just been assumptions on her part.

 

Would you please stop throwing words on behalf of the OP and let HER speak.

 

Geesh.

[tigressA]

Sorry if this comes out of left field, had to read thru this and weed out some of the rhetoric to get to this point.

 

My perception was and still is...He is a gent who enjoys the courting stage. Nothing wrong with that stage. Its rather charming and rarely seen in this modern dash to the alter for some couples. So , Tigress, I do hope for just a few moments you could entertain that concept and maybe give food for thought to this. I do get how from your stance it would seem a wee bit hurtful to have him in a sense deny the relationship status'. My grand daddy used to say just cuz a cat doesnt purr doesnt mean its not a cat , so deny though he will, you are both behaving with all the dynamics of a bf/gf relations....

I really am excited for you to be able to have a guy who does want to breathe in the relationship and absorb things before hastily proclaiming things before its time....you are a fine wine that he savors ( meant in a good way).

 

I understand this. It actually does come off, in some places, almost word-for-word in reference to things he's said about us. The "breathing in the relationship, absorbing things before declaring", etc. And it does fall in line with his cultural upbringing.

 

Jannah, about the BC--I just announced it, really. I said I was planning to go on the pill. At first he asked "What pill? What's wrong, are you okay?" :laugh: I had to clarify and say "Birth control." I explained what it does and he asked me questions like "What are the side effects? Will it affect your long-term fertility?" I laid those answers out on the table and he became really concerned WRT the side effects. He said, "I think you should give it a second thought; I don't want you to go through that stuff." I assured him I'd be fine and if anything did happen, naturally I would stop taking them. The end.

[tigressA]

For anyone who is still confused:

 

We are exclusive. We have been exclusive the entire time we've been together. Exclusive meaning that we do not go out on dates with or sleep with any others. We had a conversation in which he asked me to be exclusive, I said yes, and we also learned through that conversation that we had been so 'by default' from the very beginning.

 

Hope that clears things up.

[Jannah]

Jannah, about the BC--I just announced it, really. I said I was planning to go on the pill. At first he asked "What pill? What's wrong, are you okay?" :laugh: I had to clarify and say "Birth control." I explained what it does and he asked me questions like "What are the side effects? Will it affect your long-term fertility?" I laid those answers out on the table and he became really concerned WRT the side effects. He said, "I think you should give it a second thought; I don't want you to go through that stuff." I assured him I'd be fine and if anything did happen, naturally I would stop taking them. The end.

 

Cultural differences, his response was funny.

 

Alright, well I just thought it might be a possibility when factoring in the full scope of things.

 

The end.

[tigressA]

Cultural differences, his response was funny.

 

Alright, well I just thought it might be a possibility when factoring in the full scope of things.

 

The end.

 

Oh, it was hilarious. I cracked up laughing. And that just made him even more confused. Ah, I foreigners.

[sugarmomma]

BF is apparently not my BF.

 

He said, "I'm your very very close friend so concern will always be there." I said, "Very very close friend, eh? I thought you were my 'boyfriend'? :p" He said, "Let the time come, you will get it..."

 

 

 

I can't imagine having this conversation and picturing him climbing on top of T to get his needs met, saying "whew, that was close. At least she knows where she stands."

 

He is just giving himself wiggle room.

 

T, this is simply a preview of the coming attraction.

 

I would proceed with caution.

[Star Gazer]

And this is exactly what I meant in a past thread when I said exclusivity does not necessarily equate to a relationship...for me, a relationship is being bf/gf, which is a more than just being exclusive...

 

Exclusivity to ME is a relationship, just the same as a friendship is a relationship. The "title" of BF/GF is what elevates the relationship to a higher level. But it's still a relationship.

[carhill]

Dating -> Exclusive dating -> Sexual relations and intimacy -> Boyfriend/Girlfriend (for me this happens automatically with sexual relations) -> Engagement -> Marriage.

 

Any woman whom I've made love with has been introduced to family and friends as my girlfriend. She also knows I love her because I've told her so and she knows I don't make love with people I don't love.

 

Obviously, the OP's 'friend' differs in that regard. The *important* thing is that *their* relationship styles match up. Heck, mine could be in outer space for all I know. Old fart disease. OK, carry on...

[tigressA]

Exclusivity to ME is a relationship, just the same as a friendship is a relationship. The "title" of BF/GF is what elevates the relationship to a higher level. But it's still a relationship.

 

So let me ask you something, SG. When you're exclusive with a guy but you're not boyfriend/girlfriend...what do you call yourselves?

[Star Gazer]

So let me ask you something, SG. When you're exclusive with a guy but you're not boyfriend/girlfriend...what do you call yourselves?

 

If I'm introducing him, I introduce him by name, without title.

 

If I talk about him here, "the guy I'm dating."

 

IME, the exclusive-but-not-yet-BF/GF time period is pretty damn short. A month usually.

[tigressA]

If I'm introducing him, I introduce him by name, without title.

 

If I talk about him here, "the guy I'm dating."

 

IME, the exclusive-but-not-yet-BF/GF time period is pretty damn short. A month usually.

 

Okay...well, I'm just going to have to talk to him. I really have no idea what went through his head when we were talking about it earlier. We've been on the same page about being exclusive, that's for sure--no going on dates/having sex/exchanging romantic sentiments with anyone else but each other. But we're on different wavelengths about what it means beyond that--as in a label/title. That's what this thread was supposed to be about. Semantics.

 

Any discussion pointers?

[Star Gazer]

Okay...well, I'm just going to have to talk to him. I really have no idea what went through his head when we were talking about it earlier. We've been on the same page about being exclusive, that's for sure--no going on dates/having sex/exchanging romantic sentiments with anyone else but each other. But we're on different wavelengths about what it means beyond that--as in a label/title. That's what this thread was supposed to be about. Semantics.

 

Any discussion pointers?

 

Is he the type of guy who's exclusive from the get go? You said you two had been exclusive from the start, and it sounded pretty coincidental. But maybe it's not happenstance but the way he operates? I can see how if he just dates one woman at a time anyway, as a matter of course, that he might not really think you're in the same type of relationship you do (titles aside). So, I'd start there, and ask him how he normally dates (if you don't know already).

 

I'd also just ask him what it means to him to be BF/GF vs. just exclusive. Approach it as though you're just trying to understand how he processes expectations and titles. Once you have that understanding, you can reevaluate.

[tigressA]

Is he the type of guy who's exclusive from the get go? You said you two had been exclusive from the start, and it sounded pretty coincidental. But maybe it's not happenstance but the way he operates? I can see how if he just dates one woman at a time anyway, as a matter of course, that he might not really think you're in the same type of relationship you do (titles aside). So, I'd start there, and ask him how he normally dates (if you don't know already).

 

I'd also just ask him what it means to him to be BF/GF vs. just exclusive. Approach it as though you're just trying to understand how he processes expectations and titles. Once you have that understanding, you can reevaluate.

 

Good points. I will ask him those questions. I don't know if exclusivity from the get-go is the way he operates normally. I never asked him. He did tell me a little of his dating history and he didn't come off like a multi-dater. His one relationship lasted for 5 years.

 

We just happened to be exclusive the first couple of weeks, then we had "the talk" and we were officially exclusive. A few days after we began talking again post-3-week-split, he brought up exclusivity, clearly stating that he had no interest in anyone else and that he wants to see how things go with us, and we've been that way since.

[gypsy_nicky]

TigressA,

 

this is an example of a double bind scenario. UNless you prove wrong by asking him.

 

I think people here are re-assuring you because of actually knowing the foreseen outcome of this (a negative one).... Sometimes its not good enough to know or tell the truth at the present moment.

 

but I'ma gonna have to go with fructose on this one. Your talk on exclusivity has no bearing on what your bf said to you. You have to talk to him clearly about this... I and anyone else can get into a relationship and nod to exclusivity really easy. Of course most people will, how often do you see couples clearly setting about guidelines for an open relationship, or FWB's??

Rarely.

 

Exclusivity is just that, exclusivity, written or unspoken= you don't date other people. What your forgetting (or your bf) is the commitment part. Without this, your bf can stray real easy for any number of reasons he can put out. He has compartmentalized your relationship.

 

A very harsh example is if he finds someone that seems more of an upgrade to his present R. He can leave you that easily.

[tigressA]

I think that's absolutely absurd. Anyone can leave any relationship for the slightest of reasons if they want to, regardless of any commitment they've made.

[Green]

I think that's absolutely absurd. Anyone can leave any relationship for the slightest of reasons if they want to, regardless of any commitment they've made.

 

Yeah but its easier to leave some one you think of as a friends with benefits as oposed to a gf/bf type relationship. He wouldn't even consider you his ex if you're only a friend to him now.

 

He's kinda rude to call you a "friend" when talking to you about birth control.

[Surrealist]

What we do know is this: Currently this guy is not OP's boyfriend no matter which way we slice it up or hw much we speculate.

 

How do we know that? Because he said so himself. Hey I'm not arguing against what your 'friend' said mate.

 

Kind regards

[gypsy_nicky]

Yeah but its easier to leave some one you think of as a friends with benefits as oposed to a gf/bf type relationship. He wouldn't even consider you his ex if you're only a friend to him now.

 

He's kinda rude to call you a "friend" when talking to you about birth control.

 

I agree. Precisely.

[BentSpine]

I think that's absolutely absurd. Anyone can leave any relationship for the slightest of reasons if they want to, regardless of any commitment they've made.

True, anyone can leave. But as posters have indicated, he'll have less guilt leaving AND would also be able to tell a prospective woman that he doesn't have a girlfriend making him look less like an @ss. Make no mistake, you're his FWB and on probation, either because he is waiting for someone more compatible to come along or waiting for your relationship to prove it won't break up again. I would seriously consider Fructose's posts. And finally I would avoid the sarcastic smileys if I wanted to appear grown up.