Titles.

[tigressA]

If this were to happen to me, I would wonder if he met anyone else on the trip that he is attracted to. I would also wonder if now that he had time away to reflect, he is having second thoughts about the relationship. Yeah, I would freak - but I am not exactly normal so you are better off listening to others.

 

Pill is horrible. I went on a low dose pill to regulate my periods, and I was determined to stick it out despite side effects. While it worked for the periods, I was feeling exhausted, nauseated (this was particularly bad as it was there ALL the time, to the point where I couldn't eat out because the smell of food would make me want to throw up), bloated, breast tenderness etc etc. I switched brands and I was also on it for 2 years so I gave it more than a fair shot - the side effects never really went away.

 

Not a very long time ago I would've been in the same place, mentally. But I trust him, and on top of that I have no reason to put any stock whatsoever into either of those possibilities, or any others that would spell t-h-e e-n-d for us.

 

Thanks for filling me in on your experience with the pill. I have heard other horror stories, but I at least just want to try it. I know that not every case is the same.

[FructoseGrande]

No, it is not obvious. You don't know the OP or the man she's talking about so you can't make sweeping statements about either of them or their relationship.

 

To me, it is quite obvious. Tigress's "boyfriend" or "FWB" or whatever he considers himself made it VERY VERY clear to her that she was NOT to consider him to be her "boyfriend." Which SHOCKED/SURPRISED her.

 

She posted here because she is insecure about her relationship. Her insecurity is very well justified, not just because of this, but because of the fact that it is an ldr and they simply don't spend very much time together at all. Also because of the apparently constant "drama" every time they get together.

 

I "know" them just as well as YOU do. There was no reason for Tigress's "friend" (NOT "boyfriend") to say what he said unless he was trying to send her a very loud and clear message.

 

Oh by the way--most likely the dude is concerned about her using the Pill for a couple of reasons beyond her "safety." 1) If she uses the Pill he loses control over birth control and she can perhaps "forget" to take it and get pg (guys do worry about that sort of stuff); 2) he won't have any justification for using a condom when having sex with her, that means if he's getting some "strange" on the side (although let's face it, maybe Tigress is the "strange" in this relationship), he may be concerned about the fallout if he passes an std along to her.

[tigressA]

Tigress, I'm SO glad you brought this up. I know your situation is basically resolved right now but I have always genuinely wondered whether exclusive = boyfriend/ girlfriend.

 

It sounds like there's no clear cut rhyme or reason to it, though. Anyway- I'm sure the 'boyfriend' title will come in time. That's so strange how people see this so differently.

 

Haha, you're welcome. You're right, there is no clear-cut rhyme or reason. It's not the brightest idea to just assume anything in the dating realm. If you want to be sure, you need to talk about it. I do know there are people out there who would be like "What the hell? We've been boyfriend and girlfriend this whole time, right? Or am I missing something?" at their partner bringing up the subject. But those people seem fewer and further between these days.

[FructoseGrande]

I always assumed that once you were exclusive, the respective titles of boyfriend and girlfriend came with that.

 

No actually this is completely backwards. There's no "rule" of any kind that prevents someone from having multiple "boyfriends" or "girlfriends." "Exclusivity" means you dump all of your boyfriends (or girlfriends) except the one that you've chosen to be exclusive with.

 

It astounds me that the OP and I guess everyone else is not willing to take OP's "friend" at his word. I mean, seriously--the guy tells the woman to her face that he is NOT her "boyfriend" and she just doesn't want to believe it.

 

The denial is strong with you paduwan.

[Surrealist]

I have a couple of questions for you. What makes you so certain a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship will inevitably develop from this? Are you open to the possibility that it may not? Is it a possibility that he has friend zoned you so that in the absence of acknowledged commitment he is free to date someone else?

 

EDIT Just to say that I was typing this at the same time as FG's post above.

[tigressA]

I guess you completely missed the parts where I said that we have been exclusive from the very beginning, and continue to be. It's just the title of boyfriend/girlfriend that elude us. I was only shocked because I assumed we were boyfriend and girlfriend the whole time. We had never talked about it until today.

[FructoseGrande]

I have a couple of questions for you. What makes you so certain a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship will inevitably develop from this? Are you open to the possibility that it may not? Is it a possibility that he has friend zoned you so that in the absence of acknowledged commitment he is free to date someone else?

 

 

Not only that, but when she asked him for a concrete validation of the "boyfriend/girlfriend" status, he gave a vague assurance this would maybe happen at some undefined point in the unspecified future.

 

That's a classic example of the guy "stringing the girl along." He's not giving her what she wants relationship-wise but in order to keep the sex coming he "tells her what she wants to hear" but in such a way that he never actually has to back it up. He's telling her just enough to keep the sexual part of the relationship going. "Someday" never comes.

 

It (actually when) it all blows up, as it must, he has an easy out: "I never said I was your boyfriend. I told you that we were just dear dear friends. You knew the deal."

 

Clearly the OP's male "friend" perceives this relationship as an FWB relationship, conveniently long distance.

 

Why OP would believe this guy is trustworthy and not doing stuff or trying to with other women when she's not around, after the conversation she had with him, can only be attributed to some very wishful thinking.

 

If the OP's male "friend" is NOT willing to call her his "girlfriend" it's so he can honestly tell any other women he happens to meet, if asked: "I'm seeing someone occasionally but it's just very casual. She's not my girlfriend and I'm not her boyfriend." No other reason.

[xpaperxcutx]

I have to say it paper cut. I just love your photo. It says so much.

Lol eh? Thanks, I guess? I didn't have anything to convey when I took the pic.

[tigressA]

We have not gone out with/had sex with any other people while we've been together, and we don't want to. It's clear to me that yes, the respective titles will come soon. There's nothing to say that they won't, and everything to say that they will.

 

I only posted here to see if other people thought there was a difference between being 'exclusive' and being 'bf/gf', and acted on those differences. Because also as I said, this is the first situation I've been in like that. And from the posts here so far, it seems that yes, some people see a big difference. I got my answer. Now I'm just being patient.

[Titania22]

Lol eh? Thanks, I guess? I didn't have anything to convey when I took the pic.

 

I wasn't trying to be creepy. It was a compliment.

[atlnay]

To me the difference is this:

 

Mutually exclusive means two individuals who choose to have sex with each other and nobody else.

 

A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship means two people who choose to have sex with each other and nobody else AND consider themselves a couple.

 

Big difference! To me anyway.

 

So the big difference is boy/girlfriend actually has a label whereas mutually exclusive...does not?

[Surrealist]

Yeah fair enough its just that from a guy's POV, I would of thought that if he thought he was in an exclusive relationship, he would have no problem with saying he is your boyfriend. I mean really, this arrangement is vague at best. But good luck.

[FructoseGrande]

I guess you completely missed the parts where I said that we have been exclusive from the very beginning, and continue to be.

 

This is inaccurate. You assume exclusivity simply because your male friend may have told you he would be exclusive with you. Whether or not he is actually upholding his end of that bargain is something you simply have no way of actually knowing, particularly since it is an LDR and you have no effective way of monitoring his behavior when you're not around, which is most of the time.

 

You do not know this man anywhere near as well as you would like to make yourself believe, and this is proven by the fact that you were shocked when he told you he did not consider you to be his "girlfriend" nor he your "boyfriend."

 

He is also clearly "stringing you along," giving you vague assurances that "someday" you will be "elevated" to "girlfriend" status. Someday. "Someday" never comes, most of the time.

 

 

 

It's just the title of boyfriend/girlfriend that elude us. I was only shocked because I assumed we were boyfriend and girlfriend the whole time. We had never talked about it until today.

 

But obviously it's not "just" a "title." The willingness to accept and apply the title represents a significant indicator of the level of commitment in the relationship.

 

Which he is thoroughly unwilling to take. And which refusal is what was and is so shocking to you.

 

As it should be.

 

Your feeling of "shock" at his reaction/behavior is your Early Warning System and you are willfully ignoring it.

 

It appears that everyone else is willing to validate you in ignoring your Early Warning System but unfortunately I must go against the prevailing tide because I think you should pay attention to it.

[xpaperxcutx]

I wasn't trying to be creepy. It was a compliment.

 

Lol I wasn't offended. But we're kind of threadjacking here. Lol

 

Sorry Tigress!

[tigressA]

Fructose, we're not going to agree on anything here. I trust him. He has shown numerous times that he cares about me and wants to be with me, and I have shown him the same in return. So yes, we have been and continue to be exclusive, and yes, what I want will come.

[Surrealist]

This is inaccurate. You assume exclusivity simply because your male friend may have told you he would be exclusive with you. Whether or not he is actually upholding his end of that bargain is something you simply have no way of actually knowing, particularly since it is an LDR and you have no effective way of monitoring his behavior when you're not around, which is most of the time.

 

You do not know this man anywhere near as well as you would like to make yourself believe, and this is proven by the fact that you were shocked when he told you he did not consider you to be his "girlfriend" nor he your "boyfriend."

 

He is also clearly "stringing you along," giving you vague assurances that "someday" you will be "elevated" to "girlfriend" status. Someday. "Someday" never comes, most of the time.

 

 

But obviously it's not "just" a "title." The willingness to accept and apply the title represents a significant indicator of the level of commitment in the relationship.

 

Which he is thoroughly unwilling to take. And which refusal is what was and is so shocking to you.

 

As it should be.

 

Your feeling of "shock" at his reaction/behavior is your Early Warning System and you are willfully ignoring it.

 

It appears that everyone else is willing to validate you in ignoring your Early Warning System but unfortunately I must go against the prevailing tide because I think you should pay attention to it.

 

 

Hmmm tigress I think you need to have a really good talk to your 'friend' if you are hoping / anticipating the relationship to develop into a boyfriend / girlfriend status. I agree with what FG is saying here and though it may not be the information you are seeking, it is quite possibly the truth and I don't think you deserve this kind of vague or misleading treatment from this guy. It's been several months, he either is commited in a relatinship, which by default makes him your boyfriend, or he isn't! Kind of annoying if (and I say only if) he is stringing you along for his own selfish reasons.

[Confusedalways]

Tigress- do you think it has anything to do with his culture/ background? I can't help but feel like that must make a difference somehow...?

[FructoseGrande]

We have not gone out with/had sex with any other people while we've been together, and we don't want to.

 

If this was true for your male friend he would have no problem whatsoever with eagerly calling you his "girlfriend." He is obviously at the least "keeping his options open."

 

 

 

 

It's clear to me that yes, the respective titles will come soon. There's nothing to say that they won't, and everything to say that they will.

 

The simple fact is that your friend had every reason to call you "girlfriend" right then and there with no further delay and refused to do so. He vaguely promised that "someday" it would happen. He is "stringing you along."

 

He couldn't even tell you what he was waiting for, could he. You asked him for a higher level of commitment and he told you point blank, "No."

 

 

I only posted here to see if other people thought there was a difference between being 'exclusive' and being 'bf/gf', and acted on those differences.

 

"Exclusive" is a higher level than simple "boyfriend/girlfriend." Not a lower level. You cannot be "exclusive" first (unless of course you're referring purely to sexual exclusivity of the FWB/f-buddy variety, I suppose); you have to develop a bf/gf relationship, and only afterwards can that possibly grow into something deeper that you both want to be "exclusive."

 

If your friend wanted to get you to have sex with him then he would have told you whatever he thought you wanted to hear. If you wanted him to agree that the two of you are "exclusive" that's easy enough for him to do.

 

 

By the way everyone is using the term "mutually exclusive" in an incorrect manner, it actually means two things or people who are "completely incompatible."

 

 

Because also as I said, this is the first situation I've been in like that.

 

Well I believe I have far more relevant experience than most of the people who've posted in your thread, take that for what it's worth. But when a guy tells you point blank you are NOT his "girlfriend", when he has every reason to please you (and hopefully himself?) by eagerly agreeing that yes, this beautiful woman who is sleeping with him is his girlfriend, you better listen up.

 

You can slam me, you can disbelieve me, you can laugh at me. But what you cannot do after this, is every say that NO ONE tried to warn you about this guy you're seeing. HE warned you, himself, and you just don't want to hear it.

 

 

 

And from the posts here so far, it seems that yes, some people see a big difference. I got my answer. Now I'm just being patient.

 

It actually wouldn't surprise me if this guy was married.

[Confusedalways]

Hmmm tigress I think you need to have a really good talk to your 'friend' if you are hoping / anticipating the relationship to develop into a boyfriend / girlfriend status. I agree with what FG is saying here and though it may not be the information you are seeking, it is quite possibly the truth and I don't think you deserve this kind of vague or misleading treatment from this guy. It's been several months, he either is commited in a relatinship, which by default makes him your boyfriend, or he isn't! Kind of annoying if (and I say only if) he is stringing you along for his own selfish reasons.

 

I think THIS is the point of the thread- semantics. This isn't a debate about whether he's running around with other women or not.

 

I feel like this was more of a question in general of exactly what you just said. For some (most?) people being committed in a relationship DOES equal boyfriend/ girlfriend. However, for some it doesn't. That doesn't mean they're off chasing other women. It just means there's more to come. That's it.

[threebyfate]

Tigress, do you remember our discussion about being open? One way of confirming where he stands is to ask him if he perceives your relationship as an exclusive FWB. It doesn't have to be an emotionally charged discussion, more information sourcing than energetic.

[FructoseGrande]

Fructose, we're not going to agree on anything here.

 

Why not? Nothing I have written can be shown to be objectively incorrect. I actually agree completely with your basic point, which is that it is kind of shocking that he would reject the idea of using the "boyfriend/girlfriend" labels. The only thing that we really disagree about is, having been concerned enough to post about it, you're now only willing to listen to people who tell you to ignore what you heard him say to you.

 

 

I trust him.

OK then, when he tells you you are NOT to consider yourself his "girlfriend," or he your "boyfriend," why don't you trust that as being how he really feels about the relationship?

 

 

 

He has shown numerous times that he cares about me and wants to be with me, and I have shown him the same in return.

He is giving just enough to this relationship to get what he wants out of it, which obviously is occasional sex with you. He is not even willing to give you the satisfaction of being his "girlfriend." What you asked him for was actually extremely minimal and he was not willing to give you even that.

 

 

So yes, we have been and continue to be exclusive, and yes, what I want will come.

 

No, what HE wants will come.

[tigressA]

Tigress- do you think it has anything to do with his culture/ background? I can't help but feel like that must make a difference somehow...?

 

I definitely do think it does. His culture is really marriage-oriented; there's not a whole lot of 'dating' where he's from, at least not the way we do it here. He wants to get married, and of course, like everyone else, he wants to only do it once. He sees commitment as something really serious, like he's telling the world, "I'm going to marry this woman." Clearly, we're not at that stage yet. But he is committed to getting to that stage, with me.

 

And yes, Confused--it is ONLY about semantics. Fructose and Surrealist are simply arguing their own semantics and spinning it around to make it seem like he's cheating/married/stringing me along, which I have already stated numerous times I do not believe is the case, so I don't know why they keep on arguing it. It's not going to get to me. That isn't what this thread is about.

[xpaperxcutx]

Tigress, do you remember our discussion about being open? One way of confirming where he stands is to ask him if he perceives your relationship as an exclusive FWB. It doesn't have to be an emotionally charged discussion, more information sourcing than energetic.

 

Just to highlight TBF's point, I think all this confusion stems from the fact you never really asked him.

[FructoseGrande]

I definitely do think it does. His culture is really marriage-oriented; there's not a whole lot of 'dating' where he's from, at least not the way we do it here. He wants to get married, and of course, like everyone else, he wants to only do it once. He sees commitment as something really serious, like he's telling the world, "I'm going to marry this woman." Clearly, we're not at that stage yet. But he is committed to getting to that stage, with me.

 

OK so this seems to mean that because of his culture, he is never going to tell you he is committed to you unless and until he is pretty sure he will get married to you.

 

That day may come, or it may never come. Unless and until it does, you are simply a fling to him. And THAT adequately explains his refusal to call you his "girlfriend."

 

 

 

And yes, Confused--it is ONLY about semantics. Fructose and Surrealist are simply arguing their own semantics

 

LOL. Your relationship problems are due to other people's opinions stated after the fact? How can that be? Nothing I nor anyone else have posted caused your friend to deny you girlfriend status nor you to feel "shock" at that denial. It is YOU who are trying to make a REAL issue into one of simple semantics. Your friend is unwilling to call you "girlfriend" because, due to his culture, that "label" has a great deal of significance to him. It means you are on the "marriage track." (According to what you're saying anyway.) So no. It's not just "semantics."

 

and spinning it around to make it seem like he's cheating/married/stringing me along, which I have already stated numerous times I do not believe is the case

,

 

You also "believed" you were his "girlfriend" until he "corrected" you. It is absolutely mind-boggling that you would chastise anyone else for suggesting that your take on the entire situation might be misconstrued.

 

 

so I don't know why they keep on arguing it. It's not going to get to me. That isn't what this thread is about.

 

What is this thread about, really?

 

Did you post simply to have people tell you what you wanted to hear?

[carhill]

Communication, clarity and condoms. Enjoy