Titles.

[tigressA]

BF is apparently not my BF.

 

C and I were talking, and I told him about my plans to go on the Pill. He was concerned and I said, "That's really sweet and I appreciate it, but I've got it under control. No worries." He said, "I'm your very very close friend so concern will always be there." I said, "Very very close friend, eh? I thought you were my 'boyfriend'? :p" He said, "Let the time come, you will get it..."

 

I was honest and told C that it bothered me. He said he understood, but to just let things come naturally, let's be more acquainted with each other. He said that things are really good and are definitely going in the right direction. I said, "Okay. I can be patient then, knowing that."

 

It just bothered me momentarily because I thought we were already there. Now it turns out that I'm the only one who got off at that particular exit. I always assumed that once you were exclusive, the respective titles of boyfriend and girlfriend came with that. I guess for some other people, like C, those titles are indicative of another level of commitment, a step above exclusivity, instead of on the same step.

 

I'm not going to break up with him over this. We've been exclusive basically from the time we first met, and I trust him when he says "I'll get it". We've been together for several months. I can wait.

 

I just want to know: Is it common to think that the title of boyfriend/girlfriend is a step above exclusivity?

[Feelin Frisky]

Sure, it's common, T. Perhaps this is the only situation where "friend" means something less than good. I don't think anyone would blame you for wondering what's up with that.

[Star Gazer]

I just want to know: Is it common to think that the title of boyfriend/girlfriend is a step above exclusivity?

 

I think it is. Absolutely. I've been exclusive with many more guys than I've had boyfriends.

 

But... (and this is a BIG "but") Given everything you've said about your relationship with C, I'd fully expect him to consider you his girlfriend and himself your boyfriend. If I were in your shoes, I'd be pretty hurt.

 

Get more acquainted?? What's that about??

[Crazy Magnet]

Last I checked they were the same thing but....I'm old. (30)

 

You young whipper snappers may be different. lol

[tigressA]

Get more acquainted?? What's that about??

 

Thinking about it, I understand his perspective when he says that. We haven't been together very long; we've seen each other a handful of times since we're long-distance. Every time we've seen each other there's been some kind of drama. The 'honeymoon phase' didn't really start until he left for his trip. That was like the 'breakthrough' for us.

 

Definitely doesn't mean it didn't bother me, though.

Edited October 21, 2010 by tigressA

[JungleLover]

It means that you are still on probation. He is probably thinking that if anything were to go too far south he could easily escape the relationship without much drama. Little does he know that after building up a sexual relationship with someone over months and being exclusive with that person in it, he will suffer all of the consequences of a normal relationship.

 

Whether the title is out there or not, he is in a nonverbal relationship, I am sure. Just let him get caught holding hands with someone else. I bet you he won't get out of that one easy. What I am saying is that this is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. He will find out the next time he does something that really displeases you.

[LittleTiger]

Yes, it very possible to be mutually exclusive long before you start using the girlfriend/boyfriend tag. I was a commitment-phobe when I was younger and I always hated putting a label on any relationship, even if we were mutually exclusive.

 

However (and I don't want to throw a spanner in the works here but....) I wouldn't be happy about what he said either, if I was you.

 

If you've been seeing him for three months, you're in a LDR and he doesn't consider you boyfriend/girlfriend, are you sure this is a mutually exclusive relationship?

 

What reason did you give for wanting to go on the pill? Did you talk about not using condoms? Maybe he doesn't want the 'no condom' conversation for some reason.

[tigressA]

I guess I'm butt-hurt because he used the word "friend". If he had left that word alone I would've felt better about it. But because he used that word I felt like I'm no more important or special to him than any of his other friends, even though I know that's contrary to the actual situation. I think he just didn't know how else to describe it.

 

I'm just trying to see it from his perspective too, instead of just being all "Me me me!" like I have every time before. I didn't hide the fact that I was upset over what he said. He understood why I was upset. I'm confident that I'll have the title soon; he said as much. I feel better knowing that this way of doing things isn't so unique.

 

Edit: Yes, I know for a fact that this is a mutually exclusive relationship. We established exclusivity months ago; we were basically exclusive by default from the very beginning. I trust him.

Edited October 21, 2010 by tigressA

[USMCHokie]

I think it is. Absolutely. I've been exclusive with many more guys than I've had boyfriends.

 

And this is exactly what I meant in a past thread when I said exclusivity does not necessarily equate to a relationship...for me, a relationship is being bf/gf, which is a more than just being exclusive...

[tigressA]

What reason did you give for wanting to go on the pill? Did you talk about not using condoms? Maybe he doesn't want the 'no condom' conversation for some reason.

 

We're past the conversation. We've already had unprotected sex, more than once. I want to go on the pill primarily as a safeguard against pregnancy, and also to help with my periods as they can get fairly heavy and the cramps are killer. He was asking questions about what could happen, and I was honest with him. He said he doesn't mind going back to using condoms so I don't have to deal with the worry of any of that stuff. He sounded pretty panicked for me when I told him about the side effects. I assured him that I would be fine, and that if anything bad happened I wouldn't take them anymore. Ultimately he said, "Okay."

Edited October 21, 2010 by tigressA

[Titania22]

We're past the conversation. We've already had unprotected sex, more than once. I want to go on the pill primarily as a safeguard against pregnancy, and also to help with my periods as they can get fairly heavy and the cramps are killer. He was asking questions about what could happen, and I was honest with him. He said he doesn't mind going back to using condoms so I don't have to deal with the worry of any of that stuff. He sounded pretty panicked for me when I told him about the side effects. I assured him that I would be fine, and that if anything bad happened I wouldn't take them anymore. Ultimately he said, "Okay."

 

I am with him. I am very anti the pill. The side effects are awful, and they can take away any sex drive you have. I sweet it is very sweet he is concerned.

 

Also as far as your periods are concerned, you could consider moving to organic products (even though they cost more). After about 6months of changing over, your period pain should go away and your flow could become less. (The brand names use chemical that increase your bleeding so they can seel more product.)

[xpaperxcutx]

What??!!!! I thought exclusivity= relationship?

 

I don't know T, I think C is getting all the benefits of an R without being in one. Why do you think he's so hesitant about being in one?

[xpaperxcutx]

If you've been seeing him for three months, you're in a LDR and he doesn't consider you boyfriend/girlfriend, are you sure this is a mutually exclusive relationship?

 

 

Well based on T's opening post, She thought they were in a mutually exclusive bf/gf relationship. Of course, some people like C like to argue about the wording so what I'm gathering, they're in a mutually exclusive sexual relationship?

[tigressA]

I don't think he's hesitant in the way that you're thinking. It was clear from how he explained things that he thinks it's a really big step. As I said, looking at it from his perspective, and from how our relationship has been up until VERY recently, I can understand how he feels.

 

We've been exclusive for the entire time we've been together (3 months), but we did split up for 3 weeks and didn't talk. We've seen each other a handful of times--like 5 or 6 weekends. Sometimes it does feel like we've been together for a lot less than 3 months. So I understand where he's coming from. He does realize why I was upset, and he said he didn't want to make me feel that way. He asked me to be patient with him and let things unfold naturally. He said he feels things have been going in the right direction.

 

For the record, I have referred to myself as his girlfriend, and him as my boyfriend--to him--and he has never said anything about it.

[LittleTiger]

Well based on T's opening post, She thought they were in a mutually exclusive bf/gf relationship. Of course, some people like C like to argue about the wording so what I'm gathering, they're in a mutually exclusive sexual relationship?

 

Without wishing to state the obvious, sometimes a 'mutually exclusive' LDR turns out to be not quite as mutually exclusive as one party believes it to be.

 

However, from what tigressA says, my reasons for questioning the exclusivity don't hold water. The conversation wasn't along the lines I was thinking so yes, we can assume it is mutually exclusive.

 

BUT mutually exclusive does not equal relationship. As StarGazer and USMCHoke have said, I've also been mutually exclusive with guys I didn't consider my boyfriend.

 

To me the difference is this:

 

Mutually exclusive means two individuals who choose to have sex with each other and nobody else.

 

A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship means two people who choose to have sex with each other and nobody else AND consider themselves a couple.

 

Big difference! To me anyway.

[Stung]

In my many years of dating experience, becoming exclusive generally equated becoming bf/gf--but perhaps that's partly a generational thing, different lingo. In my experience, a boyfriend could be anything from casual to serious, the word itself didnt' have strictly serious connotations. Maybe I have fewer boyfriends on my past relationship roster than I think .

 

I'd definitely be hurt if someone I thought of as my boyfriend corrected me to let me know that he didn't consider himself as such. But then I would be working out of my own cultural paradigm in which exclusivity implies bf/gf.

[xpaperxcutx]

In my many years of dating experience, becoming exclusive generally equated becoming bf/gf--but perhaps that's partly a generational thing, different lingo. In my experience, a boyfriend could be anything from casual to serious, the word itself didnt' have strictly serious connotations. Maybe I have fewer boyfriends on my past relationship roster than I think .

 

 

This is my believe as well, but I guess it's time to brush up on my dating 101.

[tigressA]

Yeah, it was the 'correction' that hurt. But I was the one who just assumed that we were in a mutually exclusive bf/gf relationship. Key word.

 

I'm not really concerned about it anymore. There's no question about us being sexually exclusive, and from the way our conversation went it doesn't seem like I'll be waiting too much longer for everything else.

[Titania22]

This is my believe as well, but I guess it's time to brush up on my dating 101.

 

I have to say it paper cut. I just love your photo. It says so much.

[LittleTiger]

In my many years of dating experience, becoming exclusive generally equated becoming bf/gf--but perhaps that's partly a generational thing, different lingo.

 

I think I'm older than you Stung so I'm not sure it's a generational thing. I suspect it may be more a person's attitude to being in a committed relationship that causes the delay in wanting to use a label. Some people just like to take things a little slower than others.

 

My own partner called me his girlfriend long before I was comfortable with the title and I was in love with him almost from day one. I wasn't long out of my previous relationship and the title of girlfriend to somebody new just didn't sit well with me at the start.

 

tigress, I think you just need to wait a little longer and you'll have the title you want. I know what he said must have hurt but I honestly don't think it means he feels any less for you than if he was using the label already. It's all just semantics.

[tigressA]

tigress, I think you just need to wait a little longer and you'll have the title you want. I know what he said must have hurt but I honestly don't think it means he feels any less for you than if he was using the label already. It's all just semantics.

 

I know. I was just taken aback because of my assumption. I've never been in a situation wherein exclusivity didn't also mean being boyfriend/girlfriend. I do think he likes to take things slower than I tend to. I know he cares a lot for me; it comes through in everything he says and does. I just have to be a little more patient. It will be really lovely when the time comes, I'm sure.

[FructoseGrande]

It is very significant.

 

It means that he is definitely having sex with other women or at least leaving that possibility open.

 

If you ever find out, he can always say: "I never said I was your boyfriend."

 

You're long distance?

 

Oh this is so so obvious.

[LittleTiger]

It is very significant.

 

It means that he is definitely having sex with other women or at least leaving that possibility open.

 

If you ever find out, he can always say: "I never said I was your boyfriend."

 

You're long distance?

 

Oh this is so so obvious.

 

No, it is not obvious. You don't know the OP or the man she's talking about so you can't make sweeping statements about either of them or their relationship.

[OceanGirl]

If this were to happen to me, I would wonder if he met anyone else on the trip that he is attracted to. I would also wonder if now that he had time away to reflect, he is having second thoughts about the relationship. Yeah, I would freak - but I am not exactly normal so you are better off listening to others.

 

Pill is horrible. I went on a low dose pill to regulate my periods, and I was determined to stick it out despite side effects. While it worked for the periods, I was feeling exhausted, nauseated (this was particularly bad as it was there ALL the time, to the point where I couldn't eat out because the smell of food would make me want to throw up), bloated, breast tenderness etc etc. I switched brands and I was also on it for 2 years so I gave it more than a fair shot - the side effects never really went away.

[Confusedalways]

Tigress, I'm SO glad you brought this up. I know your situation is basically resolved right now but I have always genuinely wondered whether exclusive = boyfriend/ girlfriend.

 

It sounds like there's no clear cut rhyme or reason to it, though. Anyway- I'm sure the 'boyfriend' title will come in time. That's so strange how people see this so differently.