Bewildered - rough times - what are your thoughts?

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Wow, it's good to find this forum. There's some good advice and some stuff that helps me escape. Would love some feedback from others on my situation, too. I'm going to try to keep it brief. Oh, how even the smallest details seem so important. I'm going to try to leave them out while giving an objective view, though. Here goes...

 

I met a guy about 4 years ago and a few months later we moved in together. I had a dependent, not someone who was my child, but who I essentially adopted. He was very into her and he and his family were very supportive of her, as well - financially and emotionally. About 10 months after we met, this guy proposed. We had had some problems and a few months before - shortly after I moved in - I noticed he had been messaging people on an online dating site. This was not the last time this happened - he did this many of the times we broke up over the next couple of years. Apparently no meetings, but it was a huge betrayal nonetheless. We hadn't met on a dating site, so I was actually a bit bothered that he had an account at all. The first time he did this, I thought about leaving, slept on the couch, we made up, etc., but the trust was broken. A few months later, we thought the kinks had worked themselves out and he proposed.

 

Nonetheless, this guy continued to be extremely critical of me... one example that he belabored for years to come was that I "shut him out" during a hike we went on. I told him I just wanted to put my headphones on and focus on working my muscles for a few mins to break a sweat (this was about 15 mins out of a 3.5 hour hike that I focused on me). On the drive home he gave me the cold shoulder and I got frustrated and broke my date to go out to dinner with his parents and him that night. From then on, he complained that "we can't do anything together" - according to him, I am always abandoning him. Case in point, the hike. Oh! How I have heard about that Hike!

 

Also, pretty soon he started complaining about how he had taken x amount of money to do y and he didn't see us making sacrifices for him. I thought it was great that he was so supportive of my dependent and me, but we were fine before him and didn't ask him to make those financial sacrifices. I was pretty surprised and a little leary, actually. While I used to appreciate the things he did, I do not any more because he constantly brings them up as examples of how we have abused him... "pressured him" into doing things he didn't want to do. It's so weird. I don't see it at all.

 

Anyway, over the years we have broken up countless times. I'd say about every 2 months. I want nothing more than peace and stability. He claims he wants the same, but he criticizes so much and I just cannot take it. As soon as I change something (e.g., sharing my budget with him or saving money more, etc.), he moves on to criticizing something else. Inevitably, I can't take it any more and break up with him but cannot stand the feeling of being without him. I really wanted it to work and loved him. We have always gotten back together within a week to 2 weeks and we've always been extremely relieved, etc. But then the crap starts again. The last couple of times we've broken up he said, "You do this and then you never move..." and the reason I haven't moved is usually because he initiates these negotiation conversations.

 

We broke up a few weeks ago and I've signed a lease and am moving out by the end of the month. I know it's the right thing. I just don't feel it's the right thing. He has talked to me some and I have been civil, but gawd, I'm angry and hurt. When he asked me what I'd do differently I told him I just don't think we're right for each other and that I tried too hard. Anyway, I was sad, but solid up until a few days ago when he came up and knocked on my door and asked me to give him some feedback on some innocuous idea he had for one of his vehicles. He also asked if we could go on a road trip together and said he wants to be friends... that I know him better than anyone and he doesn't even have any other real friends.

 

This kinda made me think that he was seeing if we could work things out again by trying to do something together. The next day I signed a lease, went home, and made us both a drink and toasted to the closure, and burst out in tears. Ridiculous! Anyway, his response to my leaving was "Oh, that will be exciting" and explained that he thought it would be exciting for me, etc. He then kept offering to help me move. I'm not letting him help me move. Geez.

 

I'm truly mystified by his desire to be friends. I said I thought being friends would be difficult and he said, "Well, I don't think we'll be double dating any time soon, but..." Here's the thing - every amicable conversation we have leaves me doubting and hurting over what I know I have to do. When I asked him how he was doing with things, he said he still would love nothing more than to be able to work it out, but he has accepted that we would never work out. I said that, though I'm moving and know it's the right thing, it doesn't feel right... and he said it did [feel pretty right] to him... the idea that we could live separately and be happy and "still have a casual conversation here and there" seemed good. That really hurt - I'm dam distraught right now! So I got fed up and called him yesterday and told him that this suggestion that we be friends was not doable for me... that I was not leaving because I wanted to, but because I had to and that every conversation we have only makes it more painful. As always (dude loves to co-opt my feelings) he said it made it worse for him, too. So I told him maybe a year or so from now, perhaps we could be friends, but not now. Of course, he called again an hour later and I didn't answer and avoided him last night.

 

Soon I'll be moving. I hope I'm relieved and that this sense of loss gets better, not worse. I'm still scared I'd try again. Part of me is afraid he would too and the other part is afraid that he is truly done. So confused!

 

Thanks for reading and please do let me know what you think of any or all of the above... what a cycle! And every time I'm about to break it (I've never been this close... having signed a lease, etc.) I choke and flounder and get this deep sense of loss and emptiness.

Edited October 21, 2010 by lapse

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Am I getting the NC treatment? j/k It's only been a couple of hours. It's only been a couple of hours. rofl

 

Just to add - and this is really absurd:

 

When I feel myself in these moments thinking I'm primed to move right on, I get this horrible nausea. It's like I don't want to get over him because then it will truly be over.

 

Bah.

[Idalis]

I want nothing more than peace and stability.

 

I read your post and this jumped out at me. You say you want peace and stability yet everything you've done is a step in the opposite direction.

 

This relationship sounds emotionally draining, and the fact that you seem to have a minor in your car is rather frightening. What would drive you to be in this type of environment? Are you afraid to be alone?

 

Its hard to walk away from someone, that is a given, but from an outsiders perspective, what you're walking away from is a wreck, and I think he's right to say that you would not work out. It sounds like you've tried, and he's tried (in his own way) and yet it hasn't worked. There's a song out there that says 'sometimes love just ain't enough'. I think this may be the case here.

 

I think four years of your life is enough to spend in this kind of back-and-forth environment. You, and your dependent need stability! I just don't know how this can be healthy for you. I hope you stick to your decision of leaving, and not staying friends. His treatment of you is not that of a friend.

 

Good luck!

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This relationship sounds emotionally draining, and the fact that you seem to have a minor in your car is rather frightening. What would drive you to be in this type of environment? Are you afraid to be alone?

 

 

Here's the thing... it did *not* start out this way. It started out fabulously and, inch by inch, got horrifyingly bad.

 

Thanks for your concern for my dependent. Actually, I did feel for a long time that she was one of the reasons I stayed so long. I wanted her to feel that her support system was wider than just me. A month ago she and I moved her (she is 19 now) into an apartment (which I did to protect her because he was starting to treat her the way he treated me... saying absurd, disrespectful things). And within 2 days of moving her out, I said I was done. It is actually *such* a relief that she is not here through this last argument. It makes it much easier to leave because it only directly affects me and him.

 

Anyway, it doesn't get nightmarish overnight. It's kinda like getting overweight. For years, you eat this and that... all junk. And then one day you look and the mirror and say, what the hell.

 

ETA: Wow. On second thought, it is just like gaining weight. I did go through a year after an injury when I gained 20 pounds. And every time I ate crap, I was like, "Oh... I need to do something about this... I'll get back to my macros... tomorrow." It was the same way dealing with him... "This is awful. It will be better... tomorrow." Tomorrow. I love ya. Tomorrow! Heh.Our relationship got way out of shape. In the meantime, though, over the last 4 months, I've lost the poundage I gained. Mad stress I tell ya.

 

You know another thing that pisses me off? My dad killed himself in July. You'd think, if someone loved you... if they were your partner and such great emotional support, they'd try to just be easy on ya for a little while after a significant loss like that. Ba5tard barely took a breath away from his nitpicking. I've now watched how he loves to kick people when they're in times of crisis. I'm pissed. I swear.

Edited October 22, 2010 by lapse

[tigerlily94]

I read this and feel like crying for you, lapse. You've been through so much. I think you're right that peace is what you need most in your life right now. Anything that doesn't fit that mold - one shaped like peace - needs to be cut from your life right now. If something can fit into that mold, then perhaps it can be allowed. But I think right now a solid break would be peaceful.

 

Wishing you the best. Really.

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I read this and feel like crying for you, lapse. You've been through so much. I think you're right that peace is what you need most in your life right now. Anything that doesn't fit that mold - one shaped like peace - needs to be cut from your life right now. If something can fit into that mold, then perhaps it can be allowed. But I think right now a solid break would be peaceful.

 

Wishing you the best. Really.

 

Thanks so much, tigerlily. I read your posts and wish the same for you. Peace in mind and soul is what it's all about. Too bad it takes such work (aka torment) to learn how to just be there.

 

I agree a solid break will be peaceful. I moved some stuff today and should be completely moved tomorrow. It was a lot easier emotionally than I thought it would be. Right now I'm just really pissed, but it's playing an excellent role. He keeps tapping around asking me about stuff, in general (i.e., if I want this or that) - I'm having a hard time being civil, but I definitely don't want to fight. I just want to pretend he doesn't exist. lol