You Go Girl Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Exactly how twisted is it to believe that keeping an affair a secret is the best way to protect a spouse's feelings? IT IS NOT. The best way to repair a marriage is to start respecting the other marriage partner. The best way to show that respect is to be open and honest, admit past transgressions. I really don't see some people's twisted logic. Hiding an affair even after it is over is all about me, me, me, thinking, manipulation through lack of knowledge and the truth, and avoiding consequences. Good try those who advise not confessing, but I'm not going to fall for this illogical thinking when it comes to respecting a partner. If anybody who has cheated (including myself in my past) wants to reconcile, then absolute honesty and respect is necessary. You can't respect a partner and keep an affair secret for all of eternity. Sorry. Knowledge is power.
michelangelo Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Exactly how twisted is it to believe that keeping an affair a secret is the best way to protect a spouse's feelings? IT IS NOT. The best way to repair a marriage is to start respecting the other marriage partner. The best way to show that respect is to be open and honest, admit past transgressions. I really don't see some people's twisted logic. Hiding an affair even after it is over is all about me, me, me, thinking, manipulation through lack of knowledge and the truth, and avoiding consequences. Good try those who advise not confessing, but I'm not going to fall for this illogical thinking when it comes to respecting a partner. If anybody who has cheated (including myself in my past) wants to reconcile, then absolute honesty and respect is necessary. You can't respect a partner and keep an affair secret for all of eternity. Sorry. Knowledge is power. Well said.
porter218 Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 When was the last time anyone changed anyone's mind on here? When have you ever read "Gosh, you're right. I'm sorry" or "Wow! Great point...I never thought of that!" Very recently...IDK..like maybe 2weeks ago. She made a great decision after she had a number of mean responses then she got many helpful ones and made a better decision. Just had to let the stuff that she didn't want to hear sink in over a little time. I am hoping this OP does too. Otherwise she will loose both her H and her OM. Fence riding rarely can last forever.
jthorne Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Well she didn't actually ask for any advice or opinions. I guess she just wanted to share with us her deep pain of cheating on her husband of 12 years and to warn all of us not to do the same lest we find ourselves in her terrible position of suffering. Thanks for your concern OPI enjoyed this post. There is lots to be learned here if one is open to it.
Bryanp Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Maybe you should ask yourself how you would feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? How would you feel to be so humiliated and disrespected as you continue to be toward your husband? I guess it really is only about you.
Owl Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I have no issue with you standing by your opinion. However, you do not know what my experiences have been, so you cannot discredit my advice. Just because I don't agree with you, it doesn't mean that I am wrong. I'd agree that I don't know your experiences...but based on that, I've seen nothing so far to indicate to me that there's any reason to value your advice over mine. I didn't start this path of attempting to tell someone to ignore your advice...I disagreed with your advice with no attempt to discredit the source... And I'd like to agree with your last point, and remind you that it works both ways. Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean that I am wrong. Just because I'm a formerly betrayed spouse doesn't make me wrong either. I hope that the OP at least reads through this thread, and gets some badly needed perspective that does differ from her own. Seeing/knowing what her H is likely going to feel/deal with as a result of her actions might be the catalyst for change that she seems to really need.
LiveWell Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 I never thought I could love another man like I do my H. You don't.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 So if I can sympathize with say, a drug addict, I must be a crackhead? nope. you need to pick better analogies. those that are responding in kind are cut from the same mold...it would be like crack addicts giving their advice to crack addicts.....not people who don't sleep with other people's spouses/cheaters giving her advice on how to clam up. Do you hear yourself when you talk? no, but its obvious you don't with irrelevant analogies Please introduce me to this man I'm boning on the side! You do know I've only been married two weeks,right? I feel bad for BS, but I don't think that being betrayed is an excuse for ridiculous zealotry. uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but you have posted on this forum that you were an OW, no?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 You are speaking from your own experience, which is fine, but this also means that you cannot be objective. The OP can end the other relationship and handle the guilt herself, rather than burdening her husband. I say this because many who confess affairs, only do so the ease their own conscience, not because they want their partner to make an informed choice. When a person chooses to be HONEST... it may come from several shifting levels of motivation. Either way the result is honesty. However, keeping an affair a secret always comes from 1 motivation... Soulcrushing Cowardice. If you have the ability to keep that kind of secret from someone you pretend to "love" its only to avoid consequences to yourself. No other reason truly exists... the rest is just bullcrap rationalizing. Personally, people capable of that level of scumsucking cowardice and selfishness have no place being alive. Just IMHO. I wholeheartedly agree with this statement!! I for one TOTALLY GET the pain you're feeling Lost. Unless you can LEARN to live with 2 men in your life - this pain will not go away. There are many of us that have been in your shoes & felt the kind of pain you're feeling right now. We all made our own decisions on how to either get out of the affair, or for some continue the affair & the marriage. I actually have a friend who continued both affair & marriage for 9 years. To me that seems an eternity. But somehow my friend managed. I hope you make the right decision for you. Because as I've said this before........Sitting on the fence only gets you a chapped @ss. I know! This is pretty solid advice!
Dexter Morgan Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Every time someone says what they see it is judgmental. It happens everyday. We all judge each other and each others actions. In the work place, at the restaurant, in the grocery store check outline. Get a grip. Life is full of choices and judgments. and someone can go out into the real world, bestow pain upon someone else's life....then have the nerve to say, "don't you judge me!!"
Dexter Morgan Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but you have posted on this forum that you were an OW, no? To BlackLovely....I was thinking of someone else. I read where you were never an OW. My apologies.
lkjh Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Flat out not confessing is selfish and cruel. Op, you need to tell your H because otherwise you will deprive him of his right to decide what he wants
strength-abounds Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Lostinlove. I was a BS that found out about my ex-wifes affair. She willing admitted to it when I confronted her about it. I understood why the affair happened although I did not condone it. I was also willing to work on our marriage, regardless of the pain I had in my heart simply because I loved my wife and our union. However, she was not sure what path to follow. She was emotionally attached to the OM and myself. Because she could not decide, I had to make the decision to end the marriage. The consequences have been great and profound and I do not know if I can ever get over them. Here is my advice. Tell your H. You owe that to him for spending 12 years with you. With that being said, You need to decide whether you want your marriage to last or not before you tell him. Last piece of advice. Accept the repercussions of your A. You did make the decision to step outside your marriage. I wish you and H good luck.
U2RockZz Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 butler89: you mentioned what 100 problems.....and none of these problems have anything do with you.....don't you think it's more than a BS.....with all these issues how come your H hasn't cheated on you..... "that's why he stayed" ya.... give him a fair share of custody....and money.....let's see where he will be......writing s*** is so easy
BlackLovely Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 To BlackLovely....I was thinking of someone else. I read where you were never an OW. My apologies. Thank you, DM. I would strongly suggest researching posts, before you blindly accuse people. All that does is make you look silly. I am so sorry that your wife cheated on you. At least you had enough self respect to walk away. Hold your head up and don't let bitterness turn you into someone who posts made up nonsense.
bentnotbroken Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Thank you, DM. I would strongly suggest researching posts, before you blindly accuse people. All that does is make you look silly. I am so sorry that your wife cheated on you. At least you had enough self respect to walk away. Hold your head up and don't let bitterness turn you into someone who posts made up nonsense. It doesn't make him look silly. It was just a mistake that he apologized for. Dang. We all make them on here. There are lot of similar names. And those who don't walk away and decide to work on their relationships does not mean they all lack self respect but they are infused with a courage that is not only admirable but wonderful to see.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Thank you, DM. I would strongly suggest researching posts, before you blindly accuse people. All that does is make you look silly. no, your username simply is very similar to whom I was thinking. and if I wanted to really look silly, I wouldn't have acknowledged my mistake:o I am so sorry that your wife cheated on you. At least you had enough self respect to walk away. Hold your head up and don't let bitterness turn you into someone who posts made up nonsense. oh, not bitter about life, or future relationships or women at all........but when it comes to cheaters and people that sleep with other peoples' spouses....I reserve the right to be disgusted:)
katielee Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 yep, I've been there. And, I told my husband after 3 weeks. Was the WORST pain both of us have been in. And, my hubby told OM's wife. I feel very guilty about this - to have been the source of pain for her and her children. I am someone who usually does right by people, and I failed miserably...
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