Lostinlove930 Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I'm not sure if this it the right place to post this but I just want to tell anyone who is thinking about having an affair to really consider the consequences. I'm not talking about the possibility of your spouse finding out or the possibilitiy of ruining your marriage, I'm talking about the possibility of falling in love with someone you can't have. I've read other posts here and some people claim that you can't love two people at the same time, but I am living proof that you can. I struggle everyday with the decision that I have made. I was going through a rough time in my marriage and decided to turn to another man. I had no idea I'd fall in love with this man, and should have known better. My H started taking steps to make our marriage better, and I've started loving him even more as well. What's left is a mess of a woman who is so torn. Everytime I think of leaving OM or OM and I talk about stopping, my heart breaks into a million pieces, but everytime I think of not being with my H, the same thing happens. It's a horrible place to be. I hurt everyday because I make such a stupid choice. I can hardly enjoy the little time I get with OM because I know it will never be more. I can hardly enjoy time with my H because I know I'm doing him wrong and that I'm not the woman he thinks I am. I am an adult and I am ashamed that I made the choice that I did, but it's not fun. I don't enjoy my cake and eat it too without a whole lot of tears and heartache that come with it. I guess my advice is if your marriage is worth fighting for, don't give up and turn to someone else. Even if you're lonely, give your H or W a chance first. Don't try to make things better or more tolerable by turning away. Sure, I have good days. There are days when I can juggle these two men and things seem ok, but the bottom line is I have to lay my head down and night thinking about this mess and wake up in the morning thinking about it. I wish I could just leave OM and love my H only. I believe I can do that one day, but I feel so weak and broken. I keep waiting until I'm stronger but I don't know if that will ever come. I have already suffered many of the consequences of my actions. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I have nothing but sympathy for others going through this. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to be in this situation. I never thought I could love another man like I do my H. Sometimes I wonder if I really do love him that much or if I'm clouded by the strong emotional and sexual relationship. OM and I have been together for 4 months. We both fell in love fast. I've been married 12 years. Again, it is thrilling at first and if you meet someone, it's very hard to think about the consequences. The thrill is not worth the pain. I feel burdened and hurt and unhappy. I feel lost and I don't know what to do or how to handle it anymore. This kind of pain is worse than anything I've ever gone through.
thomasb Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Welcome. My dear you have to make a choice before your whole world blows up in your face. Have you thought about individual counselling. It might be a great help to you. It really did help me.
ladydesigner Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I'm not sure if this it the right place to post this but I just want to tell anyone who is thinking about having an affair to really consider the consequences. I'm not talking about the possibility of your spouse finding out or the possibilitiy of ruining your marriage, I'm talking about the possibility of falling in love with someone you can't have. I've read other posts here and some people claim that you can't love two people at the same time, but I am living proof that you can. I struggle everyday with the decision that I have made. I was going through a rough time in my marriage and decided to turn to another man. I had no idea I'd fall in love with this man, and should have known better. My H started taking steps to make our marriage better, and I've started loving him even more as well. What's left is a mess of a woman who is so torn. Everytime I think of leaving OM or OM and I talk about stopping, my heart breaks into a million pieces, but everytime I think of not being with my H, the same thing happens. It's a horrible place to be. I hurt everyday because I make such a stupid choice. I can hardly enjoy the little time I get with OM because I know it will never be more. I can hardly enjoy time with my H because I know I'm doing him wrong and that I'm not the woman he thinks I am. I am an adult and I am ashamed that I made the choice that I did, but it's not fun. I don't enjoy my cake and eat it too without a whole lot of tears and heartache that come with it. I guess my advice is if your marriage is worth fighting for, don't give up and turn to someone else. Even if you're lonely, give your H or W a chance first. Don't try to make things better or more tolerable by turning away. Sure, I have good days. There are days when I can juggle these two men and things seem ok, but the bottom line is I have to lay my head down and night thinking about this mess and wake up in the morning thinking about it. I wish I could just leave OM and love my H only. I believe I can do that one day, but I feel so weak and broken. I keep waiting until I'm stronger but I don't know if that will ever come. I have already suffered many of the consequences of my actions. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I have nothing but sympathy for others going through this. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to be in this situation. I never thought I could love another man like I do my H. Sometimes I wonder if I really do love him that much or if I'm clouded by the strong emotional and sexual relationship. OM and I have been together for 4 months. We both fell in love fast. I've been married 12 years. Again, it is thrilling at first and if you meet someone, it's very hard to think about the consequences. The thrill is not worth the pain. I feel burdened and hurt and unhappy. I feel lost and I don't know what to do or how to handle it anymore. This kind of pain is worse than anything I've ever gone through. Yep been there and done that and it is HELL. I suggest you make a decision, it sounds like you want to stay M. I would end the A and reinvest in your M, go to IC and to a MC. You have a long road ahead of you. Good luck!
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 You say you've suffered consquences.. How? By hurting and now having to deal with the fact you love two men? Your H and your OM? I take it your H doesn't know about the affair (yet) and that's why you're able to go on, even if feeling extremely guilty at times, to keep both men in your life. I know you're not malcious, and this isn't intentional, but it IS selfish! It IS unfair to your husband, sooner or later you need to make a choice and stick to it, let one man go - Or you may end up losing both if a D-Day happens. Your H isn't stupid, he knows you and figures something is "up". Yes, you're hurting and it's good that you are well aware that you brought this on yourself... With that said, please get some counselling in so you can become stronger to make a decision one way or the other.
BlackLovely Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I'm not sure if this it the right place to post this but I just want to tell anyone who is thinking about having an affair to really consider the consequences. I'm not talking about the possibility of your spouse finding out or the possibilitiy of ruining your marriage, I'm talking about the possibility of falling in love with someone you can't have. I've read other posts here and some people claim that you can't love two people at the same time, but I am living proof that you can. I struggle everyday with the decision that I have made. I was going through a rough time in my marriage and decided to turn to another man. I had no idea I'd fall in love with this man, and should have known better. My H started taking steps to make our marriage better, and I've started loving him even more as well. What's left is a mess of a woman who is so torn. Everytime I think of leaving OM or OM and I talk about stopping, my heart breaks into a million pieces, but everytime I think of not being with my H, the same thing happens. It's a horrible place to be. I hurt everyday because I make such a stupid choice. I can hardly enjoy the little time I get with OM because I know it will never be more. I can hardly enjoy time with my H because I know I'm doing him wrong and that I'm not the woman he thinks I am. I am an adult and I am ashamed that I made the choice that I did, but it's not fun. I don't enjoy my cake and eat it too without a whole lot of tears and heartache that come with it. I guess my advice is if your marriage is worth fighting for, don't give up and turn to someone else. Even if you're lonely, give your H or W a chance first. Don't try to make things better or more tolerable by turning away. Sure, I have good days. There are days when I can juggle these two men and things seem ok, but the bottom line is I have to lay my head down and night thinking about this mess and wake up in the morning thinking about it. I wish I could just leave OM and love my H only. I believe I can do that one day, but I feel so weak and broken. I keep waiting until I'm stronger but I don't know if that will ever come. I have already suffered many of the consequences of my actions. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I have nothing but sympathy for others going through this. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to be in this situation. I never thought I could love another man like I do my H. Sometimes I wonder if I really do love him that much or if I'm clouded by the strong emotional and sexual relationship. OM and I have been together for 4 months. We both fell in love fast. I've been married 12 years. Again, it is thrilling at first and if you meet someone, it's very hard to think about the consequences. The thrill is not worth the pain. I feel burdened and hurt and unhappy. I feel lost and I don't know what to do or how to handle it anymore. This kind of pain is worse than anything I've ever gone through. Pay no attention to the rude and judgemental comments. This is supposed to be a place to get HELP, not kicked in the face with your actions. You are very brave to post so honestly and that deserves admiration. Nothing is wrong with using your experience to warn others. I would say that ending your affair will bring you the most peace. Whether or not a confession would help you, is a question only you can answer. Your guilt is your penance, sweets. Telling your husband will only upset him and relieve you of your secret.
anne1707 Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I have been where you are only for me it dragged on for nearly three years. I can tell you now that the pain you are feeling will only get worse - and it will be nothing compared to the pain your H would feel if he finds out. You are leading a half life and letting both your H and OM have scraps (not meaning to be hard). You need to decide what you want and act on it: if its your H then you need to end it with the OM now and go NC (I would also favour telling your H though not all will support this idea) and I would definitely recommend MCif its your OM then be honest with your H, tell him, get divorced and let him get on with his lifeor neither - then be fair to both and end it with bothThe longer you let this go on the harder it will get and the chances of your H finding out for himself will increase
woinlove Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Whether or not a confession would help you, is a question only you can answer. Your guilt is your penance, sweets. Telling your husband will only upset him and relieve you of your secret. I think there is more involved than guilt and upset. From your perspective, it depends on what kind of M you have, you want, and you might be capable of. It is difficult to establish real intimacy without openness and honesty about such an important issue. From your H's perspective, I haven't read any BS's posts saying they wished their spouses had continued to deceive them. People usually want the truth so that they can make their own decision. If you love your H, you will want to try to take his feelings into account, as well as your own, in deciding whether to continue the deception.
Owl Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 And this is where we disagree, BL. Telling her H is what will actually clear the air, and set the stage for true healing in either direction. Telling her H might salve her conscience...but having sat in her H's position, I personally feel that telling him is the right thing to do. It gives him back the power to make choices in his marriage that she's been denying him... He can choose to stay with her and reconcile, or choose to free her to be with OM. Telling him isn't a bad thing. And that's why my advice to the OP here is to do that...sit down, make a choice on what you want...which relationship you want to keep...and move in that direction...ending the other relationship. If you feel you can't choose...then tell your H, and see what HIS choice is.
BlackLovely Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 And this is where we disagree, BL. Telling her H is what will actually clear the air, and set the stage for true healing in either direction. Telling her H might salve her conscience...but having sat in her H's position, I personally feel that telling him is the right thing to do. It gives him back the power to make choices in his marriage that she's been denying him... He can choose to stay with her and reconcile, or choose to free her to be with OM. Telling him isn't a bad thing. And that's why my advice to the OP here is to do that...sit down, make a choice on what you want...which relationship you want to keep...and move in that direction...ending the other relationship. If you feel you can't choose...then tell your H, and see what HIS choice is. You are speaking from your own experience, which is fine, but this also means that you cannot be objective. The OP can end the other relationship and handle the guilt herself, rather than burdening her husband. I say this because many who confess affairs, only do so the ease their own conscience, not because they want their partner to make an informed choice.
anne1707 Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 But how do you recover the marriage if the H does not know just how bad things are? The H needs to know so he can recognise the true state of the marriage and, if he chooses, work on recovery with his wife in an informed way
WTFBBQ Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Sometimes I wonder if I really do love him that much or if I'm clouded by the strong emotional and sexual relationship. OM and I have been together for 4 months. We both fell in love fast. I've been married 12 years. I smell affair fog. Try taking out trash, laundering stinky underwear, paying bills with the OM and then come back and tell us if 4 months of sex equals 12 years of marriage.
woinlove Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 The OP can end the other relationship and handle the guilt herself, rather than burdening her husband. I say this because many who confess affairs, only do so the ease their own conscience, not because they want their partner to make an informed choice. Even if one ignores the feelings of the H, what kind of M can one have with the continuing deception of keeping this a secret? I think it would leave the M weak and vulnerable, but even if the M survives the continuing deception of this secret, can the two people be happy with the distance such a secret creates?
confusedinkansas Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 The OP can end the other relationship and handle the guilt herself, rather than burdening her husband. I say this because many who confess affairs, only do so the ease their own conscience, not because they want their partner to make an informed choice. I wholeheartedly agree with this statement!! I for one TOTALLY GET the pain you're feeling Lost. Unless you can LEARN to live with 2 men in your life - this pain will not go away. There are many of us that have been in your shoes & felt the kind of pain you're feeling right now. We all made our own decisions on how to either get out of the affair, or for some continue the affair & the marriage. I actually have a friend who continued both affair & marriage for 9 years. To me that seems an eternity. But somehow my friend managed. I hope you make the right decision for you. Because as I've said this before........Sitting on the fence only gets you a chapped @ss. I know!
Owl Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 You are speaking from your own experience, which is fine, but this also means that you cannot be objective. The OP can end the other relationship and handle the guilt herself, rather than burdening her husband. I say this because many who confess affairs, only do so the ease their own conscience, not because they want their partner to make an informed choice. I'll accept that my advice is biased. But...here's what doesn't make sense. You claim that telling her H would be a selfish act. I claim, as a husband who has been betrayed, that telling her H is what her H would most likely want her to do. Which of us has the "experience" to give the most credible advice when it comes to what is most likely to benefit her H? You claim this would burden her H...my experience tells me that it would actually free her H to make his own choices. I'll grant my experience prevents me from being completely objective...on the contrary...my experience is what makes my viewpoint and advice the most likely to be what's best for her and her H. I stand by my advice to her.
bentnotbroken Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 You are speaking from your own experience, which is fine, but this also means that you cannot be objective. The OP can end the other relationship and handle the guilt herself, rather than burdening her husband. I say this because many who confess affairs, only do so the ease their own conscience, not because they want their partner to make an informed choice. A person can't be in a honest marriage if someone is lying to the other partner and they are forced to be in the marriage against their will. Not having all the facts is against their will. Who gives a damn why the partner knows, as long as they do to make an informed decision.
bentnotbroken Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I'll accept that my advice is biased. But...here's what doesn't make sense. You claim that telling her H would be a selfish act. I claim, as a husband who has been betrayed, that telling her H is what her H would most likely want her to do. Which of us has the "experience" to give the most credible advice when it comes to what is most likely to benefit her H? You claim this would burden her H...my experience tells me that it would actually free her H to make his own choices. I'll grant my experience prevents me from being completely objective...on the contrary...my experience is what makes my viewpoint and advice the most likely to be what's best for her and her H. I stand by my advice to her. All advice is biased. It comes from those having been lied to and those who did the lying.
butler89 Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 lol... You dont love TWO people... Just one: YOURSELF! And if this is the WORST pain you have ever been through then imagine how you would feel if you found out your husband(or OM depending on your mood) was cheating on you. i had an affair. And i've said this to my husband, and i've said it in therapy. I would much rather have had my husband cheat on me (i have been cheated on before and know it is very painful) than have to have dealt with the emotional abuse, and abandonment that he put me through. If i had to pick one pain i would pick him having had an affair. Basically what i am saying is that there are other vows in marriage that when broken are just as painful. I hate it when BS's act as though the WS has know idea what pain is. Give me a break. You can read my other post to her my story.
BlackLovely Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I'll accept that my advice is biased. But...here's what doesn't make sense. You claim that telling her H would be a selfish act. I claim, as a husband who has been betrayed, that telling her H is what her H would most likely want her to do. Which of us has the "experience" to give the most credible advice when it comes to what is most likely to benefit her H? You claim this would burden her H...my experience tells me that it would actually free her H to make his own choices. I'll grant my experience prevents me from being completely objective...on the contrary...my experience is what makes my viewpoint and advice the most likely to be what's best for her and her H. I stand by my advice to her. I have no issue with you standing by your opinion. However, you do not know what my experiences have been, so you cannot discredit my advice. Just because I don't agree with you, it doesn't mean that I am wrong.
BlackLovely Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 A person can't be in a honest marriage if someone is lying to the other partner and they are forced to be in the marriage against their will. Not having all the facts is against their will. Who gives a damn why the partner knows, as long as they do to make an informed decision. I give a damn, thank you very much.
bentnotbroken Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 i had an affair. And i've said this to my husband, and i've said it in therapy. I would much rather have had my husband cheat on me (i have been cheated on before and know it is very painful) than have to have dealt with the emotional abuse, and abandonment that he put me through. If i had to pick one pain i would pick him having had an affair. Basically what i am saying is that there are other vows in marriage that when broken are just as painful. I hate it when BS's act as though the WS has know idea what pain is. Give me a break. You can read my other post to her my story. Of course married people hurt each other. So what you are saying is you stab me I stab you and all is well, that's some jacked up shiggidity.
bentnotbroken Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I give a damn, thank you very much. You stated you haven't been a WS so why would you give a damn what the reason why a WS would tell a BS. I know one person too many who has gotten an STD to give a damn if they were told they were cheated on out of revenge or pity. As long as they know and can protect themselves.
BlackLovely Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 BL, you come off as selfish as Lost Thanks dear. Do you feel better now that you called me "selfish"? I hope so. I'm sure that you will want to get into a war with me over this, but I am not interested. I have no time for posters that resort to insulting people, who don't agree with them. I am much too mature for that and I hope that you gain some maturity in time.
GorillaTheater Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I have no issue with you standing by your opinion. However, you do not know what my experiences have been, so you cannot discredit my advice. Just because I don't agree with you, it doesn't mean that I am wrong. This? After discrediting Owl's opinion because, based on his experiences, he "can't be objective"? That's rich.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I'm not sure if this it the right place to post this but I just want to tell anyone who is thinking about having an affair to really consider the consequences. I'm not talking about the possibility of your spouse finding out or the possibilitiy of ruining your marriage, I'm talking about the possibility of falling in love with someone you can't have. I've read other posts here and some people claim that you can't love two people at the same time, but I am living proof that you can. I struggle everyday with the decision that I have made. I was going through a rough time in my marriage and decided to turn to another man. I had no idea I'd fall in love with this man, and should have known better. My H started taking steps to make our marriage better, and I've started loving him even more as well. What's left is a mess of a woman who is so torn. Everytime I think of leaving OM or OM and I talk about stopping, my heart breaks into a million pieces, but everytime I think of not being with my H, the same thing happens. It's a horrible place to be. I hurt everyday because I make such a stupid choice. I can hardly enjoy the little time I get with OM because I know it will never be more. I can hardly enjoy time with my H because I know I'm doing him wrong and that I'm not the woman he thinks I am. I am an adult and I am ashamed that I made the choice that I did, but it's not fun. I don't enjoy my cake and eat it too without a whole lot of tears and heartache that come with it. I guess my advice is if your marriage is worth fighting for, don't give up and turn to someone else. Even if you're lonely, give your H or W a chance first. Don't try to make things better or more tolerable by turning away. Sure, I have good days. There are days when I can juggle these two men and things seem ok, but the bottom line is I have to lay my head down and night thinking about this mess and wake up in the morning thinking about it. I wish I could just leave OM and love my H only. I believe I can do that one day, but I feel so weak and broken. I keep waiting until I'm stronger but I don't know if that will ever come. I have already suffered many of the consequences of my actions. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I have nothing but sympathy for others going through this. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to be in this situation. I never thought I could love another man like I do my H. Sometimes I wonder if I really do love him that much or if I'm clouded by the strong emotional and sexual relationship. OM and I have been together for 4 months. We both fell in love fast. I've been married 12 years. Again, it is thrilling at first and if you meet someone, it's very hard to think about the consequences. The thrill is not worth the pain. I feel burdened and hurt and unhappy. I feel lost and I don't know what to do or how to handle it anymore. This kind of pain is worse than anything I've ever gone through. you know what, I read this and all I hear is "me me me"...how this is affecting you and how you sympathize with other cheaters in the same situation. bottom line, bull###t if you loved your husband you wouldn't be cheating on him. yes, its not worth the pain.....not worth the pain that you are putting your husband through, if he knows. and if he doesn't know you are still hurting him. but all we hear is how you are hurt because you can't truly have the other man permanently. utterly selfish.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Pay no attention to the rude and judgemental comments. This is supposed to be a place to get HELP, not kicked in the face with your actions. its not her actions I take exception with....its that she only cares about herself....she only mentions that she is in pain....not because she is betraying her husband, but because she can't truly be with the other man. nothing judgemental about it. and even if it was....spare us. judgement is nothing compared to what she is doing to her H in real life.
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