welikeincrowds Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 As the title says, I'm stressing out about nothing. I don't know if it's reversible at this point. Look, this thing is small, so I don't know why I keep thinking about it. Also, I don't know why I'm making you guys read a long-ass post about it. I tried to keep it brief, I swear! I don't want to push her away, and I'm afraid that I did. It's gonna **** up my night if I can't let this go! Tonight my studio is taking me and a co-worker out to dinner at a fancy restaurant to celebrate our birthdays. (My birthday was a few months ago.) My studio is very small -- 4 core staff total including me -- and I am close friends with my two supervisors, and long-term acquainted with the other guy (who is also sharing the co-birthday spot). The other guy is bringing his girlfriend, and my supervisor is bringing her husband. I was asked if I would like to bring the girl that I am seeing. The thing is, this dinner struck me as "girlfriendy." This girl and I have been dating for a little under 2 months and are not officially exclusive, and she has told me more than once that she is not interested in finding a boyfriend. And plus, my studio is crazy, though I love them, they're ****ing nuts. So, I thought that I better not invite her. And then I make a bunch of mistakes that lead me to where I am now. Mistake #1: I mention the dinner. Fast forward to this Tuesday. I lost my better judgment, because I was too busy looking into her eyes or whatever, and asked what she was doing on Thursday. She told me she had plans -- but, when she asked what it was that I had in mind and I told her about this celebration, she became very excited, annoyed that I didn't tell her sooner (I had just found out about it the day before), and said that maybe she could shift things around (although she was clearly torn). I then told her that I was unsure that it was too "girlfriendy", but she seemed to think it didn't matter, because it was for my birthday. But: I've made this mistake before, where I listened to a girl saying "No, it doesn't matter, really!" and then it did. So I was inclined not to trust that again. Anyway, we ended the conversation without really resolving it. Mistake #2: I bring it up again. After we parted ways, I left her a text saying to let me know by Wednesday if she could make it, but not to cancel plans with her good friend if that's what she was doing (I didn't actually know what she had planned instead, as I didn't want to pry). Then, once I had a moment to reconsider the consequences, I sent her back another one ASAP telling her that I thought better of it and for her to not cancel her plans. Yeah, I realize this is retarded. I was and am very conflicted on this stupid ****ing dinner. Mistake #3: I make my last minute decision a sticking point. (And it all took place over text.) When she got home, she texted back saying she'd let me know about Thursday, but that she probably wouldn't be able to be out late (P.S. that annoyed me), and I reminded her that I wanted her to keep her plans. Then the next day, Wednesday, she asked me where/when the birthday dinner was. So I reminded her, again, that she should keep her ****ing plans. She then confronts the point (over text) that I now don't want her to go. I replied by agreeing that I don't want her to come, by admitting that it was unfair to mention it to her, then by saying that it's not time for her to have to meet my crazy family, and finally by telling her to trust me. Again, this took place over text, so I'm not sure exactly how she took it, but in her reply she seemed disappointed. I reminded her that she had plans anyway and that she should have fun. Which brings me to now. It's the night of and I'm still thinking about this ****ty exchange. The reason I did this is, again, because we are not exclusive, and she has told me more than once that she's not looking for a boyfriend. So introducing her to my close neurotic friends and co-workers in a celebratory dinner seems like something I should avoid for the sake of keeping it casual and for self-preservation. Also, I'm not sure how it would be, the interaction between her and these people. They could scare her away . But the reason I'm torn is because I really don't want to push her away. I really would like to do girlfriendy things with her like that. There was a moment where I didn't think this on Tuesday, when I texted her back saying not to come, but now that I've slept on it I keep thinking it would have made me happy to have her there. Even with all these logistical distractions and potential consequences, and even though she couldn't spend the night after -- Okay, so wait. I guess it's better to say: I could just as easily see the night going really wonderfully and romantically, or really not so well and therefore complicating what was supposed to be a fun birthday dinner. So, conflict. I spoke to a friend of mine about it last night and she said that I should just drop it because I already made the decision. She also seemed to be a lot more straightforward about it in general -- she's not my girlfriend, she doesn't go to girlfriendy dinners. But I am not resolved. What do you make of all this? Was I justified in any of it? What should I have done? Even if it's just that you agree with my friend, it'll make me feel a lot better to hear it from you, too. Thanks for reading this.
Andy_K Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 You are trying far too hard to cater to your perception of her needs. Let her make her own decisions, she is an adult! It is not up to you what plans she is willing to cancel. It is up to her. It doesn't matter two hoots that she's said she isn't looking for a boyfriend. If she says it's cool to come, despite the fact that you've mentioned it might be a bit girlfriendy, then that means it's cool and you should leave it at that. The trouble now is that there's no real way for you to say 'actually I did want you to come' without also saying 'I only told you not to because I'm afraid of making a big deal out of it and scaring you off', which will of course make you look like an insecure muppet. Which you are I suggest you just move on from it like your friend says, perhaps with a 'sorry I was an ass about the dinner thing' thrown in somewhere for good measure. But otherwise just leave it before you blow it up even more
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