LoveLace Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I have ALWAYS struggled with too much of 1 person. Every college roommate got on my last nerve, and pretty much every BF I've had got on my nerves, too. Even my best friends will get on my nerves if I'm around them too much. Luckily at work our staff is so huge that none of them get on my nerves really. Anyway, with boyfriends from my past, there were times that I was downright crabby because they were on my nerves so much and it would start arguments. I am an only child so I"ve always had my own space, I'm convinced if I had grown up with siblings that I wouldn't have this problem? I've only been with my new BF for almost a month, and he's already getting on my nerves often. We only see each other twice a week or so, aside from that we do talk on the phone; and it gets on my last nerve that he talks so much I can barely get a word in at times. My mind will drift so I'm not even listening anymore, then it feels like I can't stand the sound of his voice (even though his voice is actually sexy) and I'll have to get off the phone. He's already noticed me being crabby a couple times, and he's starting to ask why I'm even with him because I appear to not even like him...even though I do like him a lot. He's very generous, smart and fun but of course something about him has to get on my nerves. If I date shy guys, it gets on my nerves that they are shy. I have already explained to my BF that I need my "Me" time and I get it. But somehow he still gets on my nerves and I'm starting to wonder if I"ll ever be able to tolerate anyone enough to keep a relationship going. My BF treats me better than anyone ever has and he's a really good guy, I don't want to lose him. I'm worried that I will lose him with me feeling irritated so easily. How in the world am I supposed to change this?!! :(
BackUpOrGetStung Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Take up smoking weed. Whatever is bugging you, won't nearly as much afterward.
Ariadne Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 First you complain because you don't have a bf. Then because you have too much bf. I guess too much of a good thing is not so bad.
Author LoveLace Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 First you complain because you don't have a bf. Then because you have too much bf. I guess too much of a good thing is not so bad. Well of course I hate being lonely like anyone else. In the past when I had this problem I just thought the BF was annoying me. But I realize it's ME that's the problem now because I'm re living it with a new BF. However he's on a kick with trying to get me into computer games. I've told him 3 times that it's a fine hobby to have with his buddies and his son; but it's not something I'll ever get interested in. I explained it's not my idea of quality time with him. I explained I'm open to learning about new things, but computer games is not one of them. And after all that, he still tried to force it again last night, so I really snapped at him and said look, I'm a girl and I'm not into it. He said well, lots of girls are. I said if that's the kind of girl you want, then I'm not for you. I was very angry that he's been trying to force me into this over and over, despite my reluctance. There are plenty of other interests we have in common and I explained we are not going to have EVERYthing in common, and that is perfectly okay. But he still doesn't seem to get it 100%. Now he thinks I only snapped because I was crabby after work. But I snapped because I don't like being forced to be a person I'm not. So that was just another example of him getting on my nerves. And if he continues to try and get me into something he knows I won't, I won't be able to tolerate it. Computer games is something he does with his friends and his son, with what little spare time he has, so it's not really all that often; but it IS a favorite hobby for him which is fine because he has lots of other hobbies too. But it seems so important to him that I share this interest, and I never will. It's not who I am and I won't suddenly become that person. So at this point I'm worried that we will even last.
Cracker Jack Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Sounds like you're forcing yourself to be in a relationship right now. Everyone has flaws. However, the things you've mentioned about him...really don't seem to be that big of a deal. At least you understand that this is a problem that is exclusive with you moreso than anything else. And about the computer game--I think your response was a bit much, but it's done with. I just hope you don't push this one away because you can't stop being annoyed with him.
Star Gazer Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Well of course I hate being lonely like anyone else. In the past when I had this problem I just thought the BF was annoying me. But I realize it's ME that's the problem now because I'm re living it with a new BF. I think your problem is that you become desperate for a relationship, that you enter into one with the first guy that shows a lot of interest (which this guy showed - a LOT of interest, unreasonably so, IMO). Once you actually get to know him, you think "ewww." You need to work on getting to know a guy before entering into a relationship with him.
skydiveaddict Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 aw, to me (not one to take advice from for sure), it sounds like you have a very active and intelligent mind. I bet a shrink would tell you that's why you get irritated. Your mind is one or more steps ahead of the people you are talking to. I guess you must learn the virtue of patience. I'm also willing to bet it doesn't happen just with your bf.
Kamille Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I used to have the same problem. My guess is, you're spending way too much time with someone you just met, you miss your old routines and you need time to yourself. Instead of slowly letting someone into your life, you rushed through the initial stage of dating. But fear not! There is a solution: make time for yourself. Get back to some of the activities you did before you met your bf. You'd not only doing this for yourself, you'd also be doing this guy and your budding relationship a favor.
Author LoveLace Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 aw, to me (not one to take advice from for sure), it sounds like you have a very active and intelligent mind. I bet a shrink would tell you that's why you get irritated. Your mind is one or more steps ahead of the people you are talking to. I guess you must learn the virtue of patience. I'm also willing to bet it doesn't happen just with your bf. Yeah I'm sure that I probably think too much about most things. And yes, it has not only been a problem with guys, but girls too. Things seem to really tick me off easily at times.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Smoke some weed and your symptoms of being an uptight, spaz will decrease significantly.
Author LoveLace Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 (edited) Smoke some weed and your symptoms of being an uptight, spaz will decrease significantly. Lol. All that does is put me to sleep. No fun... I've thought back to all the other guys I had this problem with, and the ones I didn't. I even remember my high school BF, who I was with 3 years, saying what is your problem, you are being a huge b*tch. When he got affectionate I didn't want him to touch me, for some reason I became plain irritable when he was around. And when I look back I don't know why because I don't remember anything specific he'd do to cause this. And I can think of 2 other BF's over the years that I would randomly snap at. Dan never got on my nerves...why? Because we only saw other every few weeks. Because he was a jerk like that. But I can think of habits about him that I KNOW I'd hate if he had been a regular in my life. So I guess he didn't get on my nerves because I didn't have it my mind that I had to put up with him on a constant basis. I only see my BF twice a week, so I get plenty of my alone time. I hate it that he's on my nerves this much already. I think he's a really neat person and he has soo much to offer. But perhaps his active personality is too much for me...always making jokes, happy all the time, etc. Maybe I need some quiet artsy dude However this problem in my past hasn't appeared to happen with any certain personality type, either. And it seems like the older I get, the easier it happens. So Star I don't think it has very much to do with where we are in the dating process. It seems that I eventually run into this problem no matter who or what the case is. Edited October 22, 2010 by LoveLace
reservoirdog1 Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 The pattern I see is that anybody who's in your presence more than just occasionally (BF, other than the one you only saw every few weeks) or superficially (co-workers) gets on your nerves. And it seems to apply universally, from what you've written. Add to that the fact that you want a relationship, or at least you think you do. Somebody else suggested that you might not really be looking for a relationship, but actually just to not feel "alone". Which is a hell of a conflict with your tendency to get annoyed by people who are in your life more than occasionally or superficially. Two things I think you should do: 1. Sit your BF down and tell him what you've told us. Don't focus on the things he does that annoy you, and don't whitewash by telling him that sometimes you need your own space. From what you've written, this problem is much more complex than that. "Come clean" and tell him that this is a persistent problem with you, not just in your relationship with him but in other areas of your life, with friends, co-workers, etc. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you don't know why you have this problem. 2. Speak to a counsellor. This needs to be investigated in some detail, more than you could possibly get from posting on LS (good intentioned though most of us here are). Your BF may find this revelation too much to deal with, but perhaps that's not a bad thing -- because he may find the relationship itself too much to deal with pretty soon if the real problem isn't acknowledged and addressed. At least if he's in the loop and knows that your feelings aren't specifically directed at him, there's a greater chance of salvaging the relationship. I wish you the best in dealing with this.
Tim The Enchanter Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 You're what's known in the trade as a Pain In the Arse.
Ariadne Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 he's on a kick with trying to get me into computer games. I've told him 3 times that it's a fine hobby to have with his buddies and his son; but it's not something I'll ever get interested in. Hey, I know what you mean. My son does that too and won't take no for an answer. Usually he wants me to play level one of some game and watch me. You may be having all these romantic ideas accumulated and now that you have a bf it's disappointing. (But if you have children with him he'll play with them). He sounds like a great guy to have around, but it's a change in lifestyle and you'll have to get used to it. Go with the flow and enjoy!
Author LoveLace Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 Not a bad idea at all resevoir!! I should really just tell him this has been a pattern for me (unfortunately). More than likely he will be pretty understanding about it. But as for making the problem itself go away, I don't know if that's possible...
reservoirdog1 Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 But as for making the problem itself go away, I don't know if that's possible... You won't know until you try, will you? Do you really want to go through life with your potentially happiness limited by this problem? Speak to your doctor and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. There's no shame in that, and it doesn't mean that you're crazy. But it sounds like this problem is making your life worse, and it's been with you for a long time and it's not going anywhere. The greater tragedy would be NOT trying to do something about it and accepting unhappiness.
Ariadne Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 But as for making the problem itself go away, I don't know if that's possible... Yes, just do your thing when he comes to your place. Ex: If he is playing video games you can post in LS. If you feel like you have to enjoy what he does then you'll be annoyed.
eerie_reverie Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 My initial thought was to agree with Star: you're just not that into him, you really wanted a relationship so you "settled" without even realizing you were settling. Which may yet very well be the case... but if this happens with EVERYONE in your life, perhaps it really is you. Is there a possibility that you're depressed?? When I was depressed (which was pretty much my whole life up till the last couple years) everything would annoy the s!ht out of me. No one could do anything right. Nowadays I get a kick out of almost everything.
eerie_reverie Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Incidentally, if a guy I was dating was trying to get me to start playing video games, I'd be annoyed too. It would also be a major turn-off.
SilentVoice Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Maybe I need some quiet artsy dude This won't help . I can't tell you what will but I know this won't. I have the same problem as you . This is not only with my dating relationships ,it is with all relationships. I have tried dating all types of guys. After two weeks , it is always like please don't call me . My mother asked me why I broke up with a nice guy I was dating , my response was -- "He texts me everyone morning to update me on his day.".. I personally don't mind this , but after a while I tend to find little things in people that annoy me to push them away. My ex -- I hated the noise he made when he ate. I thought about that so much that I ended it after a while . I have dated guys who would brag about the things their owned -- I got sick of that. So I decided to date guys who were more mellow -- got sick of that. I have dated them all. I plan to get some therapy or something. Since the only type of relationships I can tolerate are FBs. Which I am also getting sick of. May friends just tell me I should have just been born with a dick, no offense to men. But on the outside it just seems I have no emotions. I guess I am just a natural "B#T$H"
t0ri Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 (edited) I have the same problem, Lovelace, and mine is especially bad when I'm PMS'ing. I used to have the same problem. My guess is, you're spending way too much time with someone you just met, you miss your old routines and you need time to yourself. This is the case with myself. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year, and spent the first 6-7 months with him NON stop. Now that I've patterned that in his head, he can't understand when I want to spend time alone. He literally does not understand the concept of wanting to be alone, and gets on the defensive about it, making it into a big deal that I "don't want to hang out with HIM," when really the point is that I want to hang out with MYSELF. So in turn, this all sparks a fight, which irritates the heck out of me and honestly pushes me away. However, he's recently starting to get better about me needing/wanting alone time. So that's awesome because I definitely missed my old routines and alone time. But still, things I thought were cute and endearing in the earlier stages of our relationship really get on my nerves at times now; ie, him talking to me in a certain accent. I also liked that he was all over me until recently, and now I feel smothered sometimes, and honestly want to tell him to get off my back. I also am starting to hate the way he fights with me, and how moody, needy, and sensitive he is. I swear he's more of a girl than I am. I think my pushing myself away is making him a tad insecure, which is also irritating me. I feel awful about it all, but I'm just being honest with myself. The good about him FAR outweigh the bad, though. I've been this way with all past boyfriends . It's not all the time though, and is definitely much worse when I'm PMS'ing. I think in the past, for me, I became this way because I settled. But in my case now, I don't really think that's the case. My ex -- I hated the noise he made when he ate. I thought about that so much that I ended it after a while . This cracked me up. Edited October 22, 2010 by t0ri
SilentVoice Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 This cracked me up. Haha he would sit there and I can hear everything he was chewing . And he would slurp at his food. It was so gross. For the sake of someone he was eating a damn dounut and I could hear him still. Soup! Oh no it was hell. P.S - I didn't end it because of this . We just didn't have time for each other anymore. We are still friends. He lives in my home town. But everytime I think of him -- I hear the noises . But he was great all around but this help push me away from at certain times.
Author LoveLace Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 Wow! It's pretty comforting to learn I'm not the only one with this problem. I don't feel like I've "settled" with this guy...I think he's the best choice I've made in a very long time. I'm attracted to him, I love how smart he is, how generous he is, how caring and affectionate he is (which isn't over the top...but I guess in time I have potential to start thinking so) and I love that he is outgoing and adventurous. Even though he's into computer games, it's not something that consumes that much of his time. He works 12 hour days and puts a lot of time into fixing his house up. And in spare time he likes to spend it with friends and family. So that's everything I've wanted to find in a boyfriend. But there ARE some things about his personality that I will have to learn to tolerate if I want to be with him. One of them is when he tries to make funny jokes that are not funny...annoying yes...but not a deal breaker by any means. And I think he's gotten the hint about me and the computer games...he hasn't said anything since I bit his poor head off about it Plus, I was very much in love with the guys in my past that I had this problem with. Had things worked out with them, it would not have been settling at all. But the reason they ended was because 2 of them were still just too hung up on their Ex's. I had caught them both too fresh out of really serious relationships...not a problem at all with the new guy I've wondered if it's just an anxiety problem in general. Because I also tend to get real hot with long lines, other drivers, etc, and usually have to concentrate pretty hard to prevent getting too P.O.'d over it. I have a depression history but now it's only a situational thing, which hasn't happened in a quite awhile now. So maybe if I take anti-anxiety meds then things won't bother the crap outta me as much..or take up yoga As of now I can't wait to see my BF tomorrow...and if I don't get through the day without feeling annoyed, now THAT might depress me...
welikeincrowds Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 I've wondered if it's just an anxiety problem in general. My family likes to say "we don't suffer fools." Also, anxiety runs in my family. I don't know if that's relevant, though. Personally, I'm attracted to irritability. I find it charming. I can thank my ****ed up family for that one. My fiercely loyal and adoring family for whom too-long fingernails and slow walking are the most egregious offenses. **** it, man. You're doing just ****ing fine.
Author LoveLace Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 Haha he would sit there and I can hear everything he was chewing . And he would slurp at his food. It was so gross. For the sake of someone he was eating a damn dounut and I could hear him still. Soup! Oh no it was hell. P.S - I didn't end it because of this . We just didn't have time for each other anymore. We are still friends. He lives in my home town. But everytime I think of him -- I hear the noises . But he was great all around but this help push me away from at certain times. LOL. Luckily I haven't come across anything like that here...he doesn't even snore, thank goodness!!
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